New Every Morning

A year

2011-07-08T04:19:00.000-07:00

Wow, a full year has gone by since I wrote here. It's crazy how time flies, yet seems to stand still. So much has happened since my last post, so many changes and emotions, and struggles this past year. And I'm still facing a mountain. Some days I'm sick of climbing. Some days I'm scared to fall right back to the bottom where I started. Some days I just want to scramble as fast and hard as I can and get to the top. Today, I just want to learn to appreciate the view. I want to stop waiting for the peak to look around, but to start seeing the beauty that is revealed to me every day, every step of the way. I want to feel myself growing stronger during the journey, to appreciate the way this has stretched and strengthened and empowered me. I want to love the breeze across my face, the sun on my skin, and the cool rock under my hands. I've never understood people who climb and say "just don't look down." Because for me, looking down is half the fun. Seeing where I've been, what I've already done, how much I've accomplished gives me the strength and the courage to keep going. For me it's often easier to look down, than it is to look up.

2010-07-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

So I feel a bit crazy. Like I'm riding this out of control roller coaster, cresting these hills only to plummet once again. Hoping for the safety of the turnstiles while still thrilled by the excitement of the ride (well, excitement coupled with sheer terror, if that makes any sense at all). I'm holding on, white knuckled, eyes wide in anticipation, fear, excitement, adrenaline. As I think through the experience of riding a coaster and how it seems to correlate with my life, I come to some interesting realizations.

First and foremost, I want my life to be more progressive than a coaster. Not that zipping along at high speeds isn't "moving." It certainly is movement at it's most exhilarating. But movement doesn't always imply progress, unfortunately. If you think about it, you can really enjoy a coaster. You can enjoy it over and over. But it will never change. The track takes you back to the same station every time. You crest the same hills, fly over the same track. Over and over you will circle, never really going anywhere. Even the most exciting coaster would start to get old, boring, complacent even after a couple dozen loops, don't you think? I don't want infinite circles of the same track for my life. I want to go somewhere. Mentally, physically, spiritually... I want to be transformed continually, becoming more and more like what God wants me to be every day. Sure, I am who I am, and there is such JOY in being me (when I remember to BE... see yesterday's post). And there are things about me - talents, gifts, habits, hurts, characteristics that God molded into me that will always be a part of the very fiber of my being. But I am so imperfect, and God knows it. He told me that He'd be spending a lifetime working on me, if only I'd let Him- and that He would carry on that work until the day of completion in Christ. So I don't want to be stuck in an endless loop. I want to be learning, growing, stretching, morphing into His plan for my life.

The second lesson (and this one slapped me across the face... and trust me, it hurt- but aren't those the best kind?) that God placed on my heart was about trust. When that roller coaster gets terrifying (in a thrilling way... sick, huh), I never question whether or not I'll make it back to the station. I never try to steer the car in another direction, or find a way to apply brakes to the train. Sure, I may hold on for dear life. I may scream a little or even give the restraint a quick tug-check. But I just believe in the safety of the design. I trust that the car will stay on track, that I will stay in my seat, that the brakes will work when they are supposed to, and that the forces at work will all come together to make for a thrilling but safe ride. So why is it so hard for me to trust God with the same child-like faith? Why do I try to manipulate my position to find a place that feels "safer" to me? Why do I try to slam on brakes that don't exist or that I have no control over? Why do I look all around me for reassurances that the track will still be there and my car will stay on it? Why can't I just sit tight, hold on to Him for dear life, and enjoy the thrill and terror and exhiliration and blessing of life here on earth. When I'm riding that roller coaster, I just know that I am safe. My mind doesn't question it. And when I'm sitting in my closet at 6:30am every day with my coffee and my Bible I know I am safe. It is the safest, most peaceful, most fulfilling, most essential part of my day. If only I could carry that same faith and peace and trust with me in all hours of my life. I wouldn't have to look anywhere else for safety or fulfillment or affirmation... because there is only one place where I am safe. One place to be fulfilled. One power that can affirm me. And He's with me all the time.

So as I do this thing we call life, my prayer is that I learn to live my life like a roller coaster... with unquestioning faith and trust. But that I never let myself live like a roller coaster... repeating the same mistakes and habits or becoming complacent in my walk. And hopefully I'll learn to enjoy the terrifying thrills with sheer abandon, while always seeking the next coaster along the way.

No matter what...

2010-07-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

God has a funny way of keeping me straight. And I have a bad habit of needing to be taught the same thing over and over...

So lately I've had a lot going on. Needless to say anyone would agree that I've had good right to be overwhelmed, anxious, moody. But several things have really come together for me recently and my perspective has opened up so beautifully. You see, I'm finally realizing that worrying about something, being anxious or overwhelmed is just a futile attempt to wrestle control of my circumstances from God. Who am I to think that any worry I have will change a minute of my future. God has it all mapped out already. Sure, it may be tough. Of course there will be hard times, painful times, frustrating times. But God planned those too. And He will not move through them. He will be right by my side, walking with me, carrying me through each of those moments- if only I will wrap my arms around his neck and hold on tight.

You see, I have allowed myself to over analyze, to evaluate and plan, to estimate and manipulate as much as I possibly could to try to make things easier. Or to try to figure out what is coming next, or where I will end up next year. I have worried, and stressed, and complained, and cried over things that I had no control over and no influence on... and not one ounce of my effort made any difference in the outcome. I've prayed and cried and pleaded my case before God, begging Him to take away my pain, or to at least give me a glimpse of hope for what lies ahead beyond it. And sure, He could take it all away in a blink. He could spare me the tough times and get rid of my challenges. But I would miss the lessons learned in living through the struggles. I'd miss an opportunity to grow closer to Him as I learn to trust in His provision and keep my faith in His providence. I would never be able to say "I know" because I really wouldn't. So I rejoice in the plans He has for me.

And I am me. I am who He made me. I am everything He planned for me to be... and there is great JOY in that. I bake cookies and feed my kids the cookie dough. I sing songs at the top of my lungs and giggle with my kids as we dance around the kitchen with cleaning supplies. I take pictures all the time with any quality, size, or output camera I can get my hands on. I snuggle with all that I have and I breathe deeply when I'm holding someone I love, trying to let their scent permeate my soul, leaving an imprint of my love for them deep in my senses. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the busy, or the worry, or the trying... that I forget to just BE. I forget the things that make me ME... the little things that make up my every day.

So I'm remembering to trust in Him. To know He's got it. To believe and trust and love Him no matter what. And to always BE the me He made me... for there is joy in me.

Take two

2010-05-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

So I've been learning a lot lately about how things don't always go as I had planned them. Someone told me once that every time you make a 5-year plan God throws you a curve ball. I am learning more and more how true this is. I'm learning that walking by faith means trusting that God has so much more for me than a 5-year plan. That He has a future for me where I live a life of fullness. Living each day trying to control or manipulate or figure out my own life is pointless, frustrating, detrimental even. But looking moment by moment to Him and living in His plans will bring me freedom from being responsible for my own tomorrows, and confident that my life will be all He designed it to be.

But this lesson isn't easy. I have made many plans for my life through the years. I've lived with expectations, with goals, with dreams of what I thought life should look like. And times have come and gone where I felt like I've failed in some goal, or fallen short in my accomplishments, or missed out on something I expected to come. Often this makes me try harder, fight tougher, manipulate and control things to try to stuff my current situation into the framework of my own flawed ideas for how things should be. You see, I read recently that God is most powerfully present even when he seems most apparently absent. So instead perhaps I should have been accepting this deviation from my own plan as God's message that it is not my plans, but His that will guide my life. He told me that He has plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a future. So why should I try to force my life to fit some picture my small, earthly brain envisioned?

But it can be heartbreaking to let go of a dream, frustrating to fall short of a goal, disappointing to experience an unmet expectation. Sometimes our ideas of life seem so good, so happy, so perfect, that we want to believe they came straight from Him. We want to see them come to fruition, to let them play out the way we imagine them to. And when we get the message, no matter how clear, that this isn't exactly how God planned it, we can have trouble letting go of what we believed was our destiny. We can let our circumstances cause us to question God... "why CAN'T I have it this way God?" "Can't you see that this would make me happy?" "What else could be better than this, just let me do it my way!" One response is to blame God, to pull away, to pull into ourselves and avoid hearing His message. But I learned recently that we have the opportunity to chose intimacy with God over our circumstances in every situation. Only in letting go of our own ideas and turning to God, truly trusting Him, drawing into Him, and letting Him lead the way, can we be free from our own disappointment.

Our other problem is that we want to hide. We don't want anyone to see that we failed. We don't want to admit that we had misguided dreams or unrealistic expectations. We want to put the happy face on for the world, and pretend like we have it all together. We want everyone around us to think we are already walking in the peace and confidence that we can only dream of. So we hide, we cover up, we bear our burdens alone. We don't talk about our dreams, especially when they are shattered. We don't share our hurts or or hopes, we don't admit our weaknesses or our wounds. We fight vulnerability and we pretend to need noone. But we can't ever expect to build authentic community with other believers without opening up our hearts, tearing down the walls, and living openly. Once we admit that we've had broken dreams, it frees everyone around us to admit that they have too. It opens up a pathway of communicaton that can only draw us closer together. And God wants community here on earth. He wants us to help one another, to draw from each other's strengths, to support and encourage each other. He said a cord of three strands is not easily broken. In breaking down the walls and entwining our hearts with other believers we can become stronger in our faith.

He loves me outrageously

2010-05-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

So another year of MOPs comes to a close today. We had our final MOPs meeting this morning in the form of a fantastic waffle brunch with some amazing time of fellowship and sharing. As we bid farewell to this year, we also bid farewell to our precious mentor mom, Beth. Beth has been an amazing source of genuine, authentic, God-inspired love and support to every one of us this year. She has blessed us over and over again with her wisdom and her messages (that have often spoken straight into the depths of my heart), and beyond that with her true love and concern for each of us. She will be missed tremendously... but she didn't leave without blowing our minds (and speaking to my soul) one last time. And this time she didn't even use her own words. She shared two videos with us, but the one that really shook me up was one with words by Graham Cooke from "Inheritance." In this powerful message I was reminded that God loves me 100%. He loves me exactly as I am, right now. Not the way I want to be, not the way I see myself. But just as I am. He won't love me any more or any less if I change the way that I am, or look, or act. He loves me 100%. Not because of anything I've done. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more, and nothing I can do that will make Him love me less. Isn't that amazing? He loves me 100%... because He loves me, because He loves me, because He loves me. Because it is His nature to love. He loves me with a radical love that I can not even understand, He loves me outrageously, and He wants me to overflow with that outrageous love and love Him back. But, and this is the part that really struck me, I can only love Him as much as I love myself. Wow.... what terrible limits to set on the outrageous love I could otherwise give back to Him. How can I let my own insecurities and negative self images stand between me and loving my God, who loves me 100%, outrageously, because He just DOES. But the good news is that He wants to set me free from myself. Graham reminds me that God wants to free me from how I see myself, from the smallness of my thinking about myself, from shame, and low self esteem, and despair... He wants to break down every barrier and in His love, to make me feel good about myself.

How amazing is that message? That my God- who has plenty to keep Him busy, wants to take the time to delight in me. He makes Himself available to me, completely, any day, all the time, in every way. He wants to hold me close, to shake up my world, to chase away the things that hold me back. He wants me to call on Him, so that He can shower me with his 100%, unconditional, always in abundance love. Because He just loves me. And in the self loathing, in the despair, in the sorrow that I allow myself to wallow in, I am only cheating Him by limiting the love I can return to Him. I am hurting Him by not appreciating and rejoicing in His love and His delight in me. And if only I will allow Him in, He'll chase away all of the fear, dobut, insecurity, and pain. He'll fill me up as only He can, and He'll show me how to receive His outrageous love. He'll widen my ability to acecpt it, and He'll expand my area to share it. And His outrageous, life-changing love will flow freely through me, in a way I have yet to even imagine. Wow.

Dreams

2010-05-17T06:58:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking lately about dreaming. About how wonderful it is to imagine the things God has in store, to anticipate and eagerly await the wonders that He has planned for us. Not to forget about the joys of today, but to rest in the promises that tomorrow will come anew and that His love for us and his joy for us will grow with each day. But there is an inherent problem here for me. You see, too often in this world my dreams turn quickly into hopes. I start to imagine how I would see my future- what I would choose for my tomorrow, and my dream turns into a hope for that specific thing or situation. Any sign that this hope may be fulfilled excites me, encourages me, fuels my desire. And soon my hopes turn to expectations. Expectations that my plan for the next step will come to fruition, that my desires will be met in the way I think they should be, that my agenda will be followed as I set it. Then the tide turns, my expectations go unmet, my hopes unfulfilled, and my dreams that once brought me joy and anticipation now bring me nothing more than disappointment and despair. My heart breaks, my hopes are shattered, I question my worth, my abilities, even my security in God's promises. And I'm left pondering if it was ever worth dreaming to begin with...

But the problem is not in the dreaming. You see, I believe that God wants us to dream. He wouldn't have promised us hope, a future, joy, life to the fullest if He didn't want us to believe that it would come, look forward to it with anticipation and excitement. But for me I think the problems start when I begin to replace my dreams of God's plans with hopes in my own ideas. When I start thinking I can see past the next minute, when I start pretending I have any control over what tomorrow will bring, when I start setting up my own guidelines for how that joy should look or how that fullness should feel. Once I have put my hopes in my own ideas, then I am walking outside of His promises. I am expecting something that He never told me He'd give. And worse, this often involves putting my hopes and expectations into something or someone here on this earth. And I've learned too many times that we are all human. We WILL all fail. I will fail, and so will everyone I come into contact with. Only God is God, and when I start putting hope in things or people instead of fully in Him I WILL be let down. I will fall, because the things of this earth were not meant to hold me up. People will come and go. They will surprise, and encourage, and love, and lift up. But they will also fail. Because only God can hold the gigantic expanse of my insecurities. Only God can fill the enormous void in my heart. Only God can heal the depths of my wounded soul.

So I'm praying hard right now. My initial response is to just give up, stop dreaming. To settle for the mundane, never hoping for "fullness." For if we never dream we can never be disappointed. It is safe to just accept things as they are, to just "get by" and never take the risk for something more. It has worked before, for me and for many others in this life. But no matter how many times I try to ignore the dreams, they still stir in my heart. God brings them back to the surface, whispers gently to me, nudges me to delight in them. I'm praying that I would learn to dream without allowing my own hopes and expectations to take over. To dream only of what God reveals to me, to continually gaze into His eyes as he slowly tells me the story of my life, to hold tight to His hand as He walks (and sometimes dances) me through it. For only in letting go of the responsibility of making my own agenda can I relax and enjoy the one He has already made for me. And I'm quite sure that His is much more fun anyway.

Right?

2010-05-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

So what defines right anyway? I mean, in most situations that we face in this life there are many different approaches we could take, many various decisions we could make, and several potential outcomes that could be realized. And sure, there are some societal expectations for what is acceptable or good, or conversely unacceptable or frowned upon. But when you really think about it, who defines what is the "right" answer in any situation? Who gets to choose which road is the best one, which outcome is the correct one. And is there really a "correct" answer to most of what we face in life? I'm starting to realize as I get deeper into this life God gave me, that we don't get to decide for anyone but ourselves. I mean, really: who knows the intricate details of any given situation as well as the person(s) involved? Who knows the past influences that each party is affected by, who knows the current challenges that each one faces, who knows the future hopes, dreams, fears that rest on a decision except the one(s) making it. So we can look from the outside of someone else's choice, and we can label it "wrong" or "bad" or any other adjective (including "right" or "smart") all we want. But do we have the authority to judge anyone else? You see, I am learning more personally that the right to judge really doesn't exist here on this earth. God is the one who is in control. He is the only one who knows the plans He has for us, and how they will come to be. He is the one who gave us the free will to make choices, and He is the only one who sits on His throne with the authority to judge our actions.

So I pray now that as I see decisions people have made or are making, that I would be slow to judge, quick to accept, and persistent in loving no matter what the outcome or affect on my life. But moreso, I pray that as I face decisions, choices, changes, that God would hold me close to His heart. That I would look only to Him for guidance in my actions, that I would seek affirmation only in His love, approval only in His law, and that I would yield only to His judgement as each decision passes. For only He knows the deepest desires of my heart, only He can see the darkest corners of my soul, only He knows where He is leading me and the joyful, glorious future He has planned for me. And only He can decide how I will get there. I pray that He brings me through, protected and strong, to the joy and peace that He has waiting for me on the other side of this life.

Fly a kite...

2010-05-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

Life is sailing along, like a kite soaring in the breeze. Sometimes I feel like I'm flying higher than I ever dreamed, caught up in a glorious gust, looking out over the beautiful world, the wind rushing by me and the sun on my back. Then, in an instant the wind shifts, the swell slows, and the kite starts to dive. Sometimes just a little dip, perhaps a fun little spin or two, and then back up to soaring height. Other times a full nose dive ensues... my kite plummeting dangerously towards the sandy beach below, holding tight to the string that both keeps it grounded and helps it soar. But my God is faithful, and just as a crashing impact with the hard ground seems inevitable, the wind shifts again, He blows life into the folds of the kite, and the nose turns upward to soar once again. His grace appears fresh and new, the wind lifts and spreads the fabric, and my kite sails upwards into the breezes of hope, joy, and faith.

Sometimes my faith feels as fragile as that tiny kite string seems, holding the kite as it flies higher and higher. It provides the stability against the wind that keeps the kite high in the air. It provides the tether, the anchor that keeps me from floating aimlessly into the clouds. Yet it is so much smaller than it seems it should be. I would rather hold on to a thick, tough rope, something that would reassure me that it would not break, something that would seem substantial and secure. But a thick heavy rope would weigh the kite down and keep it from flying. It would hinder, yay even prevent what it is designed to help accomplish. But don't we often want more reassurance than what a tiny strand seems to offer? But as we start to trust, allow our kite to fly, we see that this tiny, seemingly fragile strand can, and does, hold us firmly. That it does not snap under the strength of the wind and the twists, turns, and flips life takes us through. It is enough to hold us, if we trust that it will.

Sometimes it is so easy, so glorious to get caught up in the soaring that we want to let go of the strand. To soar up higher, and higher, reaching for the next gust of wind, aiming for the next level of height. But without that tether our kite couldn't stay afloat. Without the anchor God provides, we wouldn't be able to soar. Sure, we'd get blown around by the wind for a time, perhaps even climbing a bit higher. But soon enough the kite would get tossed about by the wind, collapsing onto itself, dropping dangerously from the sky, completely at the whim of the worldly forces. And with no counter resistance to pull it back afloat, our kite would crash into the rocky earth below and shatter into a broken heap. Without holding on to the promises of His word we risk floating off dangerously on our own. You see the thread that seems to sometimes hold us back, really keeps us alive.

So I pray that God helps me soar. That I trust enough to let out lots of kite string and fly higher and higher, reach the peaks of joy while trusting in Him to keep me soaring. But that I would never let go of Him as my anchor, that I would stay tethered in His will. That I can truly enjoy the exhiliration of flying so high that my heart races, while remaining secure in my faith that He is holding me safely in His hands.

To Quiet my Quiet...

2010-04-01T17:39:00.001-07:00

I've begun to realize that I'm too busy. Ok, news flash this is NOT... anyone who knows me knows that I'm always too busy. But lately even my quiet time in the mornings isn't as quiet as it used to be. Now don't get me wrong, if you stand outside the door to my closet you won't hear a thing. But inside my head the gears are flying and my thoughts hit near warp speed. Sure, I read my daily devotional. And yes, I still spend time in The Word. But I'm distracted, preoccupied, consumed with thoughts, stressors, worries, plans, lists... all of the pressing needs of the day haunt me before I even get it started. So I want to quiet my quiet time.

I want to settle those thoughts, postpone the anxieties, release the fears... I want to spend time delighting in my Heavely Father, rejoicing at His feet, and dancing in his presence. If you pray, would you ask that God calm the storm in my mind, settle the waves in my heart, and allow me to refocus on Him, throughout my day, but especially during that precious hour I spend with Him every morning? I no longer want my quiet to be so loud...

Memories

2010-03-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

Some good, comforting, encouraging, uplifting.
Some clouds of opression.
Sweeping in when you least expect: with a song. A smell. A feeling.
Reminders of different times. Unmet expectations. Lost dreams. Failed attempts. Broken trust.
Helpful? Encouraging? Convicting? Exposing? Reminding?
Memories...

Vulnerable

2010-03-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

I'm realizing more and more as time goes on that I hide way too much. Sure, here on this blog I share some things that are more personal. And occasionally one of my posts gets shared with a group of friends during a meeting or some other gathering. But to really open up my heart, even to a few of my closest friends, has been a tough thing to do. Sure, there is my sister (who I will talk to about ANYTHING). And my bff from high school (again... she gets the nitty gritty). But even those relationships ebb and flow. And time pressures and kid distractions get in the way, and sometimes I go days without opening up to anyone here on earth. Thankfully I have gotten much better in my morning time with God, and my "closet time" keeps me going. But I'm starting to realize that even the girlfriends who I meet occasionally for coffe don't truly *know* me the way they should. And it isn't their fault. I hide, even from them.

I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to feel lonely when I need a friend. I don't want to pretend to have it all together because when I need to I want to be able to fall apart. I shared my desire and prompting to more transparency with a group of friends, and then more in depth with one in particular recently. She agreed that I have been really good at projecting the "together" image... she had NO idea the pain, insecurity, and hurt that lies beneath my mask. She encouraged me to open up more, to deepen friendships, to share my story in a whole new way. I'm excited at the idea. Sure, I'm scared to death. I am scared nobody will have time to listen, or nobody will care, or that whoever does will eventually decide I'm not worth the time. Or that I'll invest in deepening a friendship, making myself vulnerable and open, and then that friendship will come to a sudden end for some unforseen reason. But if, in the meantime, it means that I will be able to show His strength through my own weakness... if it means that He will be able to shine through my pain, to speak through my tears... then I will rip off whatever shroud I've been wrapping. I will move every brick, and I will bare my heart for the world to see and learn from. It may take some time. And I may backslide. But I want the world to know that I'm not "fantastic."
I'm imperfect.
I'm broken.
I'm a sinner.
I'm hurting.
I'm learning.
I'm making mistakes.
I'm saved by grace. Forgiven. Loved.

More about me...

2010-03-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

Wanna know more about me?

I'm totally insane. Really! I'm definitely whacked. Especially when I'm tired, or scared, or nervous, or some combination of the above. For me, life hasn't exactly been "charmed" or "easy." I've gotten good at hiding a lot, and good or bad, it works (most of the time... or at least I can pretend that it does). I'm terribly imperfect and considerably flawed. I try to believe that it's okay, but my own expectations for myself are higher than they should be, and I never meet them. I can't even meet the expecation to go easier on myself. The things I've faced in my lifetime I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but they've made me who I am. Many of them unpleasantly, but I try to let them make me stronger. Except that I don't believe that I am.

The things I enjoy I tend to do alone, privately, because I don't want to be judged or to let anyone see that I'm not as good at them as I'd like to be. That would take the joy away. But sometimes it gets lonely. Safe. But lonely.

I'm passionate, but most of the time I don't let it show. I make mistakes, and some days I admit them. But other days I do my best to hide them. I hate being wrong, but I love when someone learns from my mistakes- because then maybe they won't have to feel the pain of making them themselves. I know that it is okay to screw up, and that where it really matters I will be forgiven. But I too often let the fear of being judged by humans keep me from opening up and being real.

Music makes me silly. I sing as loud as I can when I'm alone in the car. Sometimes a song I've sung 100 times suddenly speaks right to my heart with a message I've never before heard. And then I play it over and over again until the message hurts, then heals. I don't cry often, but when I do it is usually because of a memory that something evokes more than what is going on in the present. And I have too many memories that I want to forget. But I have joy and hope and peace so most of the time they don't matter...

I get bored easily. If I'm doing fewer than 3 things at a time I may daydream. And some days I never stop daydreaming...

or just dreaming...

I need my friends.

2010-03-10T19:08:00.001-08:00

I know it. I need my friends. For accountability, for a break from the monotony, for someone to laugh with, smile with, cry with... Even more than ever I realize it now. Now, when I feel like so many of them have drifted away... when I feel a chasm between me and the rest of the world. I know that it is largely imagined, but it feels real to my heart.

I was driving along today and I heard "There is a Way" playing. The part that keeps replaying in my mind says:

What if love became a man
if the word had flesh and bones
Would you recognize His face
if He came to bring you home
You think you're all alone
gotta do it on your own
riding solo....

At first I thought I was being prompted to lean on my girlfriends more. To turn to them, to continue to nurture those relationships. To draw them close and stop "riding solo" so much. And that is true, I KNOW that I need to do that, to be intentional about keeping those friendships in place and healthy. But as much as I need my friends, the message is clear to me now. The rest of the song clearly talks about The Way... The Truth... The Life. The One who has been there all along, waiting for me, yearning for me to turn to Him. Like I've had to learn over and over... He is the only One who will bring fullness. He is the lifeline, come to the rescue, and all I need to do is reach for Him. Lord, continue to turn my heart to You alone, to remind me of the truth that You alone will satisfy, and You alone will never fail, and that only in You will I have an ever present hope.

Getting over myself...

2010-03-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

That is my goal. To learn how to get over myself. Again. And again, until it finally sticks. It is so hard to shake the human tendency towards selfishness, and when you do it slowly creeps back in until it is all consuming once again. Now don't get me wrong... for the most part I'm a pretty selfless person. I honestly tend to think of others first, and I will forgo or give up many things in the interest of making someone I care about happy. On the selfish scale I'm pretty mild in my interactions. But in my mind, in my heart, I can't seem to stop coming back to the realization that I'm too focused on me. Too worried about my own wants and needs. Too anxious for my praise or affirmation. Too focused on how I look, or come across, or act. Too interested in making myself happy. And that's backwards. I shouldn't worry about making myself happy, I should instead seek to help those around me. And I can't be responsible for my own happiness, for there is only One who can secure that peace.

You see, there is so much hurt in this world, so much pain, so much heartache. My life, although not without troubles, is a dream compared to what some others around me face. The pain, the devastation, the struggles, the challenges, the hurt that is everywhere in our world should make me thrilled that my life is as blessed as it is. Yet, I too often lose sight of the pain around me because I'm too focused on my own inconveniences. God doesn't want me looking at my own hangnails when my neighbor's arm is hanging by a tendon. If I can see the pain around me and focus my energy on bringing God's light to a hurting world, how much less significant will my own worries be? How much more will I appreciate the love, and grace, and mercy that He extends to me every day? And how much more awesome will the blessings I'm already enjoying seem?

The other side of this same equation is trying to improve my own mood. I can't make myself happy. Tried. Failed. Repeatedly. It isn't within my own power or control to fill up my own heart with joy. And although things, people, situations here on earth can occasionally bring a smile to my face, none can truly fill my heart with happiness. For true joy comes only from my heavenly Father, who loves me and delights in me. True happiness and fulfillment can only come from Him, for He is the one who will never let me down. Flowers will fade, people will come and go (and fail), music will stop, and the sun will set. But God will never leave me or forsake me, His love is everlasting, and His grace and mercy will greet me anew every day. If I choose to let Him bring me joy, He'll always provide in abundance. And my days of bearing the weight of being responsible for my own moods will be over. I'll rest in His joy, His peace, and be truly free.

One life, that's all I am...

2010-03-03T06:43:00.000-08:00

Right now I can barely stand

If you're everything you say you are

won't you come close, and hold my heart?

He is SO good!

2010-02-28T16:50:00.000-08:00

I have very little time right now. Well, today. Well, this week... oh heck, this month! But despite my schedule being ridiculously packed and over the top full, God has met me right where I am. He blesses my every day, and He helps me keep my mind focused and my priorities straight. He provides the support, love, and assurances that I need, and He catches me when I stumble. And just when I need to hear from Him, He opens up heaven and pours down a message all over my heart. He is so good... despite what I am.
:)

Enjoy these lyrics from Tenth Avenue North, this is

Hold my Heart

How long must I pray

Must I pray to You?

How long must I wait

Must I wait for you?

How long ‘til I see your face

See you shining through

I'm on my knees

Begging you to notice me

I'm on my knees

Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain

One voice in the sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If you're everything you say you are

Would you come close, and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid,

afraid to close my eyes

So much can slip away

before I say goodbye

But if there's no other way

I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees

Begging you to turn to me

I'm on my knees

Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers

Your promises remain

I can't see but I'll take my chances

To hear you call my name

You look great!

2010-02-24T07:26:00.001-08:00

I spent most of the night back and forth between half asleep delirium and bolting for the bathroom, only to end up repeatedly cleaning up the toilet after C threw up. Every hour on the hour he was back in there, coughing, gagging, and miserable. I felt so bad for him that I barely noticed my own exhaustion. By 6am he was pale, dazed, and dragging himself limply around. Obviously he wasn't going to school, and my plans for the day succumbed to the need to stay at home with him. We got set for a day of snuggling on the couch and made plans to stop by the store after taking B to preschool to stock up on popsicles, gatorade, and saltines. As we dropped B off at preschool and let the teachers know the deal, the sweet school director said, "well for the night you had you look great!" Bwaahaaaahaaa! I was dressed in an oversized hoodie sweatshirt, and a ratty pair of jeans, and my bushy hair was held back by an elastic in an attempt to hide the damp places where puke had been wiped out only hours before. My contacts weren't a consideration, and my glasses didn't even begin to hide the sunken circles under my tired eyes. Great was the farthest thing from how I felt. I looked pretty rotten, and I went out in public that way. Wow... how I've changed.

You see, there was a time in my life (actually more recently than I care to admit) that I would have been mortified for anyone to find me at home looking that way, let alone out in public. I feel insecure enough, inadequate enough, imperfect enough on my own without giving the world evidence to hold against me. So I clean up, I get dressed, I try to fix the outside. I try to look like I have it all together. I try to appear to be cool, calm, competent, confident even. But really, on the inside I'm filled with fear, insecurity, and just general ugliness. God is so good, though. He is working on my issues. He's changing my perspective and helping me realize that what is on the outside isn't really important. In 1 Samuel 16:7 we learn that He doesn't look at what man looks at. Man looks at the outside, but He looks at the heart. And He wants us to fill our heart with His love. To get rid of the sin, the untrue thoughts, the impure attitudes, the lies the enemy wants us to believe about ourselves. And He wants us to let Him be the center of our lives. He wants us to be filled with His love, His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness that were secured through His perfect sacrifice. He wants the cross to be the center of our hearts, and if we focus on that, His love will shine through in all we do.

So my new goal is to find a balance. I still don't want to look like I'm falling apart on the outside, but I also don't want to always feel the need to hide my inside. I want to share my imperfections so that I can come to grips with the need to surround myself with friends, fellowship, and mutual support. I want to admit my struggles so that I can find His healing. I want to be imperfect and weak, for it is in my weakness that His power is made perfect. I pray for transparency in my life, so that I may be a witness to His amazing power. And I pray that He continue to fill me with the cross, so that I may never forget who I am in Him.

Blessings

2010-02-22T07:26:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had something that you were trying to do that kept getting mixed up. Rescheduled, cancelled, postponed. Did you let it frustrate you, upset you, disappoint you? I know I have been guilty of all of those reactions. And even now as I'm learning to see things as blessings instead of curses it can still be hard to avoid those emotions altogether. But I'm so impressed by how good God is. Without me even asking for it He is helping my perspective shift, helping me see how sometimes a change of plans can be an opportunity. He gave me a few unexpected moments of free time today, and they are turning into an amazing blessing. Plans that were cancelled only 13 hours ago would have otherwise upset and frustrated me, and instead He is showing me how He planned for my morning (and probably my entire day) to go. Even as much as waking up this morning... He is rewarding my desire to spend every morning with Him first, and blessing me with unexpected extra moments of sleep, time for exercise, for projects to get done, and for more focused time with Him.

I have been getting up at 6:30 lately. The kids know they aren't allowed to come out of their bedrooms until 7:30, so I set my coffee pot up in my bathroom, set the timer on it for 6:15, and by 6:30 I am greeted by a quiet house and a hot cup of coffee. I take that into my closet and have a full hour to spend with my God. We talk, I read, I study, and usually I cry. It is the best way to start my day, and it shapes my attitude for the rest of the day. Today I looked at the clock, saw 6:23 and decided I'd take advantage of that extra 7 minutes to keep my eyes closed. Mistake. Or was it? When I opened my eyes again it was 7:28 and I panicked. But just for a moment, as I felt that voice stirring in me, saying 'it's okay... I have other plans.' So I stopped panicking, and went about getting the kids up and ready for school. Once I had them dropped off I could come back home (because of my other plans that were just cancelled late last night) and spend as long as I wanted sitting in my closet, reading, praying, crying, reading some more, and calling out to my God with no hesitation, no worry about who would hear, or who I would disturb, no pressure that a little hand would open the door. It was an awesome, unexpected, unbridled time that I needed so desperately. I was rejuvenated by such an awesome time that I decided to go for a run. I rarely get to run past the end of my treadmill, so I put on my outdoor running shoes and a sweatshirt, and took off. After 2 miles and several songs on my mp3 player belted throughout my subdivision my neighbors might think I'm nuts, but I feel great. And now God continues to bless me as my Christian music rocks through the walls of my house, and I plan to spend some time working on a home project and reading over and prayerfully considering the agenda for tonight's meetings. Cancelled plans that would have otherwise left me disappointed and discouraged have turned into an extra hour of sleep, some priceless time with my Abba, an energizing 2 mile run, and some time to feel productive. What an awesome blessing.

So what has disappointed you lately. How could it have been a blessing in disguise? How can you look for God's surprises in your cancellations?

Song

2010-02-18T15:03:00.001-08:00

Have you heard this song. It is by JJ Heller, called Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

Messages

2010-02-18T14:53:00.000-08:00

You know, it is funny. I always used to wonder when I was a kid how people said they heard God speak to them. I didn't really get it. Did some loud powerful voice boom down from above? Was there an audible noise that they heard, just as they heard me or any other human talking? Did the radio go static, then sputter in and out a bit before God's voice tuned in loud and clear for a conversation? I imagined all sorts of ways to hear God speak. But I never really understood how it worked, until I learned to listen. And God is even more creative than my wild imaginations ever were. And more faithful, and more powerful.

God speaks to me whenever I still myself enough to listen. Gentle murmurings to my heart that I can only feel, songs sung by someone else played at just the right moment, stories told, words spoken, writings that have been around for years surfacing at just the right moment. In so many amazing ways He speaks. He knows what is in my heart, the good and the bad. The joy and the struggle. And He speaks to both. He speaks even when He knows I probably won't listen. And the more I hear His voice, His message, the more I feel how intimately and personally He knows me, and wants me to know Him, and the more I long for more. More moments to listen, more messages from Him, more self-control to follow His plan and walk His paths, more of His amazing, life-changing, humbling, fulfilling, awesome grace and mercy. I am saved by the blood of Christ, a child of God, secure in my place with Him in heaven some day. But I don't want that to be it. I want to walk with Him every day that I'm here on earth. I don't want to wait for heaven to spend time adoring, loving, and drawing closer to Him... I want to hear his messages now. Pray that I will take more time to listen.

Timing

2010-02-17T17:11:00.000-08:00

His timing is always perfect, isn't it?

I must admit I've had some struggles lately. Some things that I've fought with and some areas I've felt weak. I have felt like Paul: I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. I know that God desires more from me, and I know I am the only one who can make the necessary changes to give Him more. I feel weary with all that I am juggling, and I feel like I have no hope for rest.

I unexpectedly had some time to myself tonight, as P is out late at work. Exhausted, I got dinner accomplished and the kids put to bed on my own, and I totally wanted to collapse on the couch and take a nap. But for some reason I decided to have a cup of coffee (yes, that is the 4th one today! Ack!) and suddenly I felt infused with an energy and craving for some quiet time. Maybe it was God whispering at just the right moment, and my heart being open to hearing it. Or maybe it was just the smell of coffee that made me think of mornings and waking up with God and a cup of java. Either way, I took my cup to the closet and opened my Bible. I'm SO glad I did. God truly is good, and He has messages written in just the right words to meet every need and every situation. His living Word will always be the source.

As I worked through a lesson in my current study I felt closer to my God, encouraged by His provision in the story I was studying, humbled by His power and the faith of His people. And I thought I was learning more about His history, growing in knowledge of Him, His promises, His faithfulness, His dependability. Until I realized He had a message for me, now, tonight. Out of nowhere I ended up in a different chapter (heck, I went from Old Testament to New!) and landed in Acts, chapter 3 verses 19-20. And boy did I need to read these words tonight.

So you must change your hearts and lives! Come back to God and He will forgive your sins. Then the Lord will send the time of rest. And He will send Jesus, the One He chose to be the Christ.

Thank you, Father, for being slow to anger, quick to forgive, and full of mercies that are truly new every morning. Thank you for the time of rest, and for your Son, who secured our place with you, our identity in you, and welcomes us home when we've gone astray.

The Appointment

2010-02-17T11:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, let's face it. Life has just gotten busy. I know, the kids are still preschoolers. I can hear it now, "just wait until they are teenagers," "you know it is only going to get worse," "you haven't seen anything yet!" But honestly, I'm just feeling busy. I have a lot on my plate, my dear hubby has a ton on his, and the kids are increasingly adding to the weekly schedule. I have found that it is becoming more and more difficult to juggle the collective "family" calendar, and that the one that holds my obligations is looking more and more jam-packed. I have lessons, meetings, classes, gatherings, outings, workdays, appointments, and commitments. But there is one appointment that keeps me sane through the others. And it is the one I've never written down. And the one I'm most likely to skip, unfortunately.

I've only recently gotten really disciplined at keeping this appointment (and by recently I mean in the past few years). And even today I miss it when I've worked a late night or have an early morning. It is my daily appointment with my closet. Well, I guess I should say in my closet, because my clothes are the farthest thing from my mind when I stumble in there around 6:30 am. I'm there to meet my Father, and if I make it there and spend time with Him, everything else about my day seems to go better. It started out with a book that I wanted to study, which led to a series of studies, a year of reading the Bible cover to cover, and many other books, reflections, exercises, and studies along the way. My time with God has become so vital that I feel lost without it. I get irritable, I make poor choices, and I'm more easily influenced by the sin and sway of the world. Starting my day in my closet gets me good and grounded for everything life throws at me for the next 23 hours.

It was so easy to make excuses, to say I didn't have time. And it still is. Sometimes I rationalize that I need the sleep or I can't stay awake enough to focus. But when I honestly look at how much that time changes my day (and my life) I can't afford to go without it. The benefit far outweighs the cost, and I would be stupid to miss that precious investment in my day. And God is pushing on my heart right now. Amidst the busyness, the chaos, the hectic pace I'm keeping, He's telling me I need to give Him more. He's asking for more time, more faithfulness in showing up, more delighting in Him and more purposeful devotions. But how can I manage that? How can I fit it in? How can I survive on even less sleep? Yet I can hear the whisper of His voice, begging me for more, promising me that He will fill the places I can't reach, asking me to give it all back to Him, reassuring me that He will work out the rest. How can I not? How can I go one more day without setting that alarm clock just a little earlier, without starting to look for how He wants my days to begin and following His design? If you pray, pray for me now. Pray for my mornings to be earlier, for my appointments to be deeper, for my coffee to be stronger, and for my faithfulness to endure. For this appointment is the one that can change my life. How can I not show up?

Firsts...

2010-02-15T00:44:00.001-08:00

I was thinking today, and I just had to journal about what I came up with. It isn't really a new or astonishing revelation, but God really cemented a lesson in my heart today. I was thinking about how God blesses us when we bring Him our firsts. Like my quiet time. I used to think I was way too busy to spend an hour with God every day. If I had a minute to focus on prayer and quiet time, I was lucky! No matter how well I planned, something always came up or interrupted. But finally I just made a choice to get up early and spend time with God then. Sure, I work crazy hours, often until 3am (getting home closer to 4am!) - see the time stamp on this post for instance. And sure, I'm usually pretty grouchy if I haven't gotten my rest. And honestly I've never in my life been a morning person. But it kept coming back to me, that God deserved those first few moments of my day. That those were the times least likely to be interrupted, distracted, or shoved aside for some other chore or responsibility. So I decided to give it a try. There are many mornings that I'd much rather stay in bed when I smell the coffee brewing, or would much rather pull the blankets tighter around me than climb out from under them. But when I am faithful to my committment and I crawl out of bed and meet God in my closet for those first few moments of my day, He truly comes through for me. I am filled with a peace I otherwise couldn't imagine, a patience that comes from well beyond my capabilities, a strength that is far from my own. He blesses my socks off all day long, simply because I came to Him first. I gave Him my first moments, my first thoughts, my first fears and wishes and anxieties, and desires.

It worked the same way with money, really. We have never made as much money as our intelligence/earning potential says we should. We choose to be public servants instead, but that is another story. My point is that we've never had an excess of money to throw around. Things have been tight- at times tighter than others. There was a time before we decided to be a tithing family that we couldn't have dreamed of giving that much money "away." A series of messages were laid on our hearts that led to us taking the step to tithing. Trust me, we couldn't imagine how it would work, where the money would come from, what we'd miss or forfeit to make it happen. But we knew we were supposed to do it, that God expected His tithe, and that we needed to make it work. Really, we realized that everything we had we owed to Him anyway, so we rejoiced that He let us keep a full 90%! We went in a single day from throwing whatever extra cash we had in our pockets into the offering plate, to writing out a check for at least 10% every week. It was huge, and we were scared. But when we brought God the first, he blessed the daylights out of the rest. Suddenly things stretched farther, money just happened to come in unexpectedly at the same time as an unanticipated expense. Things just worked, in ways that we still to this day often don't understand. But I know that God's hand is all over it. He loves that we bring our first to Him, and He provides more than we need and then some with what we have left. His mercies overflow, his goodness endures, and our storerooms are filled abundantly.

So I want to learn to bring God my first in everything I do. I want to make it my goal to always give God the first of anything I have. My desires, my needs, my hopes, my dreams... I want to bring them to Him first and lay them at His feet. I know that He will meet me there, that He will be faithful to His promises, and that He will bless me in abundance. I pray that the earthly distractions will fall away, that my heart will be filled with His affection, and that I will rejoice in his goodness forever. To seek Him first in all that I do, that is my prayer.

Weary

2010-02-11T10:59:00.000-08:00

So I got in bed at a reasonable hour last night (well... reasonable as compared to the 4:20am hour of the night before). I got a decent night's sleep. I woke up at a respectable hour this morning. I had my usual cup of morning coffee. Yet I'm still exhausted. I think things have just caught up with me today, and I need to rest. I'm weary of holding my eyes open, but I'm weary of the pressures and burdens I feel I am carrying. I know in my head what I need to do, but my shoulders need a break from the weight of it all.

So, I'm going to log off of this computer, turn on my local Christian radio station, flip on the gas-log fireplace, and curl up under my blanket. I'm hoping God sends some sweet, heart-changing tunes my way, and rocks me off to some much-needed sleep.
I hope your afternoon is equally peaceful.

Today...

2010-02-10T11:48:00.000-08:00

Hey, pictures are a post at least, right?

Insecurity

2010-02-09T10:13:00.000-08:00

I'm doing an amazing Bible Study with an amazing group of women. God really knew what He was doing when he led me to this group. I'm constantly challenged, inspired, molded, and encouraged by this awesome group of Godly women. We're in the middle of Beth Moore's Esther study (have I mentioned that already? Sorry!) I've studied Esther before, but Beth's study is turning out to be an awesome fresh look at this amazing story.

One thing that stood out to me last night during our gathering was Beth's message about meanness, about how it is usually preceded by a feeling of threat, and that it is often based in insecurity. She said that anger is a source of power for those who feel they have none otherwise. And she said that we should identify the source of threat and address our insecurities. One thing that really touched me was when she talked about healing our insecurities in a God way. She expounded that we should be careful not to look for earthly approval, affirmation, or assurances to meet these insecurities. Beth reminded me that we can't look to anyone on this earth to meet our emotional needs or heal our personal insecurities. For if we do, we will want and need more earthly healing, will push to find it, and will be disappointed. Because humans are imperfect, and human reassurances will fade, human supports will fail, and human relationships will disappoint us. Every one of them at least once, and most more than once. Unfortunately, nobody on this earth is or can be perfect. Only one source can bring true and lasting healing, only one friend can be an unfailing support, only one ear will always be there to listen. And that one is The One, the I Am, the One and Only, the Beginning and the End, the Almighty God. He is the only one we should look to for healing, for meeting our needs, for filling up our hearts, and for covering our insecurities. For any moment we spend searching for earthly help and hope is one less moment we spend seeking Him fully. And that is the only way we'll truly be found- in seeking Him wholly.

Winter Wonderland

2010-02-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

Wow, this has been quite the winter for snow and icy weather! We had our first big snow back in December, coinciding with my family's Christmas party. It was crazy fun to sled and tromp togeher with Aunts, Uncles, and cousins in the snow, and crazy insane to drive home in the madness. But we survived and fun was had by all. The second big snow came last weekend, while I was working and P and the kids stayed home to play. I camped out with friends in town after working late, then came home and shoveled and played in the snow. Weekend snow storm take 2 was this weekend, and again I was working, camping out, and working during the worst of the weather. The kids haven't been to school in a week and a half, and the only time they've been away from our yard or house was for a brief 45 minute gymnastics class on Thursday. I think cabin fever is common among our friends, but we're actually doing pretty well around here. I am hopeful that this is a sign that we may actually survive homeschooling next year! (Yes, we're still leaning towards that as our schooling choice!) We've done workbook pages, colored, written Christmas thank-you's (yes, a little behind, but they're done!), taken adventure walks through the woods, built a (now flattened) snowman, done music and reading lessons, painted, read LOTS of books, and done geography studies with our new globe. The kids are actually behaving better overall than I would say they had in weeks past, and my sanity is as secure as ever (not saying much, but hey, what do you want!?!) :)

I'm excitedly looking forward to my women's Bible Study group tonight, we're doing Beth Moore's Esther study. We had a week of because of the weather, during which time I've been devouring Becky Tirabassi's Let Prayer Change your Life. I'm feeling confident that God is moving in my heart, getting ready to launch me into a new season of drawing nearer to Him and leaning on Him in all things. I am filled with nervous anticipation, self doubt, and excitement. Funny how these things work, huh!?!

On another note, this weather isn't very conducive to outdoor exercise! I have recently been considering moving forward in my goal of finishing a sprint-distance triathlon. I have researched local races, looked into training programs, and talked with my big sis about doing it together. (Well, she'll smoke me time-wise, but we'll at least go to the same race on the same day!) I still need to do more research about bikes, find a place to swim, and get outside and do it! I'll train with my mountain bike for now, and watch for opportunities to get a street bike. I'm hoping to find a reasonably priced way to swim (and a time of the week to accomplish this! Ha Ha Ha!) Running is always possible on the treadmill, but I KNOW that I'll have to fit in some street runs sooner than later. Meanwhile I stay on the treadmill alternating hills with speed work.

Okay, so this has been more rambling thoughts than really a post about our winter weather, but hey... you're still reading! *giggle* Okay, this meets my goal of posting more. Like I said, quantity will precede quality. But hopefully someday God will facilitate both hand in hand. For now... have a fantastic day!

Letting go... and holding on

2010-02-05T06:03:00.000-08:00

So, plans change, things shift, then something happens and they change again. It is funny how I've stopped stressing about the details so much and am learning to just go with the flow. Take this week, for instance. P had been planning to pick up a much needed dog crate from the southside, but got called away yesterday. Initially I planned to make the 1 hour trip down with the kids and get it myself, until the kind friend we're picking it up from offered for P to just reschedule for today. Great! So this morning I was planning to drop the kids at school, run a quick errand, have an hour or so to myself, then visit with my friend for an hour before heading back to pick the kids up. Change of plans #1 (for today) hit with a phone call from the kids' teacher telling me school had been closed because of weather. Okay. I can deal, the kids will just have to come with me to my girlfriend's house, and the errand can easily wait. Meanwhile, the phone rings again and it is P. He's gotten called away again and doesn't think he'll make it to pick up the crate. No problem. The kids and I have some free time before heading to my girlfriend's house, so we'll head down today. I rouse them up and am hurrying to get them warmly dressed and ready to hit the road, knowing the drive might take a bit longer because of weather, and am hoping to get this done a bit early before things get too scary out there. In the back of my mind I have a small feeling of hesitation, knowing it may not be the safest idea to hit the road with the rain/sleet falling and my two precious angels in the car, but poor puppy simply can not fit in his current abode another night. So I prepare to press on. I call my girlfriend and we plan to play it by ear, but possibly meet a little later than originally scheduled, but to include lunch together at her place. Until... yet another phone call. P reports (to my delight) that he may actually be able to make it after all. He's handled the call he had and is able to swing by and pick up the crate himself as originally planned. Phew. By now my plans have changed many times, but I'm still not at all stressed. What happened to me? Anyway, I get the kids back out of their jackets and into warm socks and snuggly clothes, and let them settle down with an activity to pass some time while I regroup. I glance outside and see something falling, something that looks suspiciously like snow but sounds and feels more like icy rain. Yeah, God knew we shouldn't be out driving an hour down and an hour back in this weather. And I still don't know whether or not we'll try to go visit with our friend, or if we'll call another friend in the neighborhood instead. (One in walking distance!) Either way, I'm learning to let go of my own plans, my own ideas and rigid schedules. I'm learning to let God work things out, to hold on to His hand, and to listen to His nudgings.

I still have so far to go but the desire is growing within me to draw closer to God. I know I need to. I know I want to. I'm just working out exactly how to. God has placed some ideas, resources, tools in my hands, and I'm on the verge of using them to the fullest potential. I pray that God helps me make the committment needed to really make it work.

Wow!

2010-02-04T10:26:00.001-08:00

So I realized that I've been journaling privately a LOT lately- on paper and in private. I guess there have been some things I just couldn't bring myself to "put out there" if you will. I have been facing some insecurities, trudging through some knee-deep muck of life, and just withdrawing. I guess in some ways it is good to be private and introspective at times, to really connect with God alone and quietly seek His words on things. But what I'm realizing more and more as time goes on that I lose a level of accountability. I know that there are few (if any) people who read this blog. That is fine. It is really here for me, and for whatever plans God has for it. But knowing it is out there, public, and available to anyone God might want it to reach does tend to add a certain layer of accountability for me. I can't put it into words well, but I know what I mean, so that is what matters.

So, I'm going to try to do better. I'm going to set a goal to post something on here at least 3 times a week. Sure, I'd love to say I'll post every day! But realistically... I would probably fail and be left feeling more inadequate than I already have lately. So I'm setting a smaller goal, one more attainable and reasonable. And one that is definitely open for revision once it is consistently met. :) So... look out below, because some days you may pop in here and find random, rambling, insanity! But at least it will be current! :)

Oh how He loves us...

2009-11-24T06:50:00.000-08:00

My heart has been heavy lately. I have struggled with grief, with loneliness, with sadness. I have filled my moments with commitments, obligations, errands, anything to fill up the emptiness I have felt inside. But it hasn't worked. For there is only one thing that can calm the hurt in my heart right now, and He's been there all along. You see, pressing in to God is the only way to soothe the loneliness. I've learned that before, but I forget it time and time again. Every time I start feeling lonely I turn to something else to fill up the space. Phone calls. Committees. Projects. Anything, everything I can think up to keep me busy and not able to acknowledge or truly feel the hurt. But God doesn't want me to fill the empty space. He wants me to turn to Him, press in to Him, let Him fill those spaces and make me more truly whole.

I truly believe that God made us for community with each other. That he wants us to have earthly friends, relationships to sustain us here on earth. That we can do so much more in His name when we come together and help and encourage each other. But He said first to "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your soul, all of your mind, and all of your strength." Leaning on Him first is the only way to live. Our husbands, friends, sisters here on earth are just human. They will let us down. They don't want to, they don't mean to, but they will. And we will let them down too, because we are imperfect and fallen. But God will never let us down. He is there today, tomorrow, and always. He is ever present help and comfort.

So maybe God uses loneliness not to hurt us, but to remind us to run to Him. Maybe He is teaching me, over and over again (as His lessons for me often have to be) that He is the one to look to first when my heart is hurting, when I ache with loneliness. My prayer today is that I would pray more. That when I want to reach for my phone to call a friend that I would stop and call out to my God first. That I would look to Him first for comfort, peace, strength, and encouragement. That I would rely on Him to meet me where I am, see me at my worst, and love me anyway.

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves...

Giving Thanks

2009-11-16T16:12:00.000-08:00

As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches I feel the need to refocus on the reasons for the upcoming seasons. Too often the hustle and bustle of this time of year can blur the real purpose for the holidays. So I am going to focus as much as I can these next few weeks on being thankful, noticing the blessings and miracles around me, and praising our awesome God for all He does.

Today I am thankful that I have a job. A job that allows us to maintain our lifestyle- living where we do and with comfortable means while at the same time keeping me home with the kids 5 days out of each week. A job that recognizes initiative and accomplishments and allows me to feel like I can maintain a level of professional acheivement. A job where I can make a difference in people's lives, no matter how small.

I am thankful for a beautiful home, fabulous neighbors, the food to eat every day, the furniture to hold my tired bones when I need to cuddle up and read, or when I need to crash and sleep. I am thankful for two cars that are reliable, clothes that keep us covered and warm, a dog and a cat and five fish to make us smile, and lots of toys for the kids, books for Mom, and movies for Dad.

I am thankful for friends, near and far, who care enough to reach out. Friends who offer words of comfort when I'm hurting most, who extend invitations when I'm at my least sociable, and care about my struggles. I'm thankful for family who love me no matter what, for the way they forgive my imperfections as if they don't even exist. For the people who surround me every day and make life less lonely.

There are so many things I am thankful for. Yet somehow my selfish, earthly heart tends to forget or overlook these bountiful blessings until I intentionally start to list them. Once I start looking for things worthy of gratitude and praise, my heart overflows with the abundance of blessings my God has showered me with. So I will continue to be looking, noticing, appreciating the things in life that I have, not because of what I've done to deserve them, but through the grace of my Father, from whom all things come. Feel free to join me, and see how it lifts your mood!

Focus

2009-11-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

It is funny how the mere act of shifting your focus can change everything. One day you're walking around, noticing how dead, lifeless, sad, hopeless your flowers are. The arrangement that was meant to bring you comfort and joy in a time of grief is looking sadder than your heart has felt.

That's pretty much how I've been lately. Focused on what I thought I needed or deserved that I didn't find. Moping around lamenting the wilting petals, the fallen leaves. I have been letting the negative rule my thoughts, consume my emotions, and keep me feeling lost, alone, hurt, angry, and just plain sad. It built, it spiraled, and before long I realized I was sitting there, unsure of why I felt as sad as I did. I mean, I have a right to grieve. I have lost someone I love dearly, and that loss hurts. But I also have a real peace about it. I have also known from long ago that death isn't something to fear, but to rejoice. I will miss Aunt Boo dearly, but I know she is dancing with our Jesus. So the depths of my sadness were inexplicable at this point.

So I've been trying to refocus. I've been naming (and praising God for) the wonderful things He's done these past few weeks. I've been rejoicing in how He showed up in the details, and gave me the opportunity to be there for my Mom in amazing ways. I've been thanking Him for allowing me to share this experience with several other friends who are grieving their own losses, and how it has helped me truly relate and build bridges that may not have otherwise been built. I have been looking at the things I've learned, the things He has changed and is still changing, and the ways He truly has this in His hands and will use it for His good. And I'm humbly praising Him for being my calm, my support, my ever present help in the storm. For carrying me through as He has always done before, and reminding me that I truly can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

And suddenly my load seems lighter, my mood brighter, my day more manageable, and my tommorrow more appealing. Suddenly the obstacles don't seem so insurmountable, and the hurts don't seem so intentional. The things that angered and frustrated me are forgiveable, and my hope is renewed. God is good, and He will see me through. He will provide and He will supply and He will support and He will comfort. And everything else will fade away. If I keep my eyes on Him, all things are new.

Grief

2009-11-09T11:04:00.000-08:00

It is well documented that grief comes in stages. Although everyone has a somewhat different experience, we all know we can expect certain emotions to hit us, and in a predictable pattern. That should make it easier, right? Wrong. It is not easier to me, even though I've studied (on many occasions) grief, death, dying, and the associated emotions. I have examined them from many perspectives, but living through it brings a whole new experience.

It is funny how it takes something big to make you realize how very alone you are. In your darkest moments, you wonder how there is nobody you feel you can call (or nobody that answers when you do). In your deepest pain you realize there is nobody there to offer a shoulder or a tissue. Now don't get me wrong. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who has been an unbelievable rock lately. He has picked me up (over and over), kept me going, changed his schedule, worked, helped, loved, and just done whatever it took to be whatever I needed. And my family is amazing. But we're ALL grieving right now. Each in our own way. And sometimes, in that time of pain, you just want someone who you are certain won't fall apart beside you. Someone who will help you bear that burden, though it wasn't theirs before you brought it to them, they will take it on to help you. Someone who isn't hurting and struggling and grieving already and can offer a different kind of comfort, support.

It is pretty funny. I am no stranger to death. I have a real peace about it, actually. I am comfortable with death, with dying, with the promise of a future that salvation offers us. But somehow the enormity of these past few weeks has overcome me. The financial responsibilities. The physical labor of moving furniture, and the finality of taking apart the surroudings and possessions that are all that is left of an earthly life and boxing them up, getting rid of them in a matter of days. The emotional burden of being strong for everyone around me. The exhaustion of repeated travel and disrupted routine. I need to rest in my savior's arms and surrender it to Him. For ONLY He has been there from the beginning. Only He will bear any burden. And although I will still long for arms around me, only He can truly give me comfort.

This has been disjointed, rambling, disconnected, and maudlin... but that is my heart right now.

Faith

2009-11-04T10:37:00.001-08:00

I was reading in my Bible today in the eighth chapter of Luke. I came across the story where Jesus falls asleep on the boat, and a storm comes along. The boat begins to fill with water and the followers are afraid. They wake Jesus, yelling, "Master, we will drown!" Jesus wakes up, calms the wind and waves, and says, "Where is your faith?"

It really got me thinking. You know, if I had lived back then, seen what Jesus- God in flesh- could do every day, watched miracles, healings, resurrections... faith may not have been so hard. If I could touch His hand, then watch that hand heal the sick, if I could be there to see the waves subside and feel the wind die away, if I could hear His voice with my ears, speaking His truth and peace every day, then perhaps believing would be simple. For then I'd be believing in something tangible, something I could perceive with my senses. Yet, even those with Him, his closest followers, lacked faith to some degree. He asked even them, "Where is your faith?"

So I started thinking, even though they could see the miracles He did every day, why didn't they have the faith He expected of them? Perhaps because they lacked the same abilities to control the wind and waves, because their own power wasn't sufficient to heal every disease or return life to the dead at any time. Perhaps because even as they watched, they didn't understand the truth in what they were seeing, or grasp the magnitude of what they were experiencing. Perhaps they were looking for some power or authority of their OWN to believe in, rather than resting in the assurances and the authority of their God.

So what did Jesus mean when He asked, "Where is your faith?" Was he implying that they could have calmed the storm themselves? Was he saying that they were equal to Him in ability to perform miracles? Should I believe that I, in my own power, want to will a storm to end that I will have that ability? Now, don't get me wrong. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that God can intervene in amazing ways. But in my own power, in my own authority, I can control nothing. Nothing at all. I have to believe that God is in control. Because the thing I DO know for certain is that my God will show up. Really, He's always been there anyway. I know that He wrote the story, and He controls the outcome. So if a storm comes, should I have faith that I can stop the storm? Personally, I don't think so. But I can rest in the faith that God will greet me on the other side of the waves. That He will hold my hand until the wind dies down. That something bigger and greater is lying on the other side of the rain clouds, and He will show it to me in His time. I don't have to pretend that I can stop the rain or calm the winds. I just have to believe that God will complete the work He started in me, and that because He has a plan for my life, and my future, I don't have to fear the storms that overtake me.

Tuesdays Unwrapped

2009-11-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

I realize that as of late I have been remiss at posting much of anything on here. There are many varied excuses, some related to the sheer speed at which life seems to by passing by, some piggybacking on recent illnesses that circulated through our home, even one alluding to more personal private journaling taking precedence lately. But alas, the fact remains that I have been remiss. So I'm sorry. In an attempt to restimulate my blogging I have decided to start trying to participate in blog gatherings (aka carnivals) for a while, just to get myself writing here again. I'll start today!

Every Tuesday women gather over at chattingatthesky.com to celebrate the little things, to be grateful for the everday, to practice appreciation for the moments that make up life. So today, I join in. (If you want to learn more click here. )

Today I am pausing to celebrate the way God truly shows up in the details. Even amidst the chaos, the unexpected, the painful, and the challenging moments of life, He is there orchestrating a perfect plan. He looks past the hang ups that slow us down, He works out the details that we overlook, and He provides in a way that we never thought possible. Some skeptics may call it coincidence, or fate, or even good luck. But I know that the God I serve has me in the palm of His hand, He knows my every thought, and He knows the way my week will come together, the way I will work through things that I don't yet even know are coming. I celebrate that as I've grown closer to Him, as I've learned to trust in His ways (that are so much higher than my own), as I've learned to claim the promises of His word, that He has always shown up in the details of my life. He has laid the path for me, removed the obstacles, and some days even picked up my feet for me and kept me walking. What an amazing blessing to serve a God who is so intimately concerned with the moments of my life.

Avoidance

2009-10-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

Is there anything in your life you are avoiding? Any task, any obstacle, any phone call or chore or improvement? I often find that if something is daunting I just avoid it. Like my laundry room. Contrary to most mothers, I don't avoid DOING the laundry. I just avoid cleaning the laundry room. Maybe it has something to do with how small and crowded it is. Maybe it is because it has heavy, large appliances that aren't exactly easy to move around and clean under or behind. Maybe it is because it doubles as the pet room- the one they sleep, eat, and "use the box" in. Which makes it even more important to clean it regularly. But for me, it always just seems out of reach. I never want to take the time to clean it up, so I barrel through there, trying not to look at the fluff of fur that flits across the floor as I woosh past, pretending not to notice the dried drip of animal food on the sides of the dog bowl, completely avoiding the layer of dust forming atop and behind the washer and dryer. And don't even mention the fingerprint smudges around the doorknobs, those are pretty much omnipresent in our home.

Well, unfortunately it is all too easy to just avoid the tough things. Pain from past mistakes or hurts that haunts us, eating away at our happiness or our fullness of life. Chores that sit unfinished, unstarted even, that grow in size as they remain ignored. Phone calls that grow more necessary and will require more apolgies the longer they remain undialed. Wounds that grow deeper and break us apart more completely the longer they are left untreated. Sure, ignoring it now helps numb some of the pain, helps us forget some of the work that lies ahead- if only briefly. But the thing about avoidance is that the problem only grows as it is left untended. The dust gets thicker, the wound gets deeper, the stain gets tougher, and the pile grows taller. And eventually, if you want things to improve, you have to just jump in. You have to just push against the washer until it moves across the floor, get down on your knees, and start sweeping, vacuuming, and scrubbing out those dark places. You have to pour peroxide into the wound, cleaning out the debris and crust and caked on dirt before the hole will start to heal. And it's tough, you sweat, you bleed, you cry... but it is only then that true progress can be made- true healing can begin. It is only then that you can truly start to move beyond the initial problem, and towards the joy of completion.

Today I cleaned out my laundry room, and boy did it feel good. I can walk in there now and smell the fresh scent of Murphy's Oil Soap, feel smooth, clean floors beneath my feet, and run my hands over a dust-free, clean set of laundry appliances. And God spoke to my heart as I cleaned, and convicted me to stop avoiding the things that I don't like. He prompted me to truly start to examine my life for areas I've been dodging, and He challenged me to consciously start tackling the things that may hurt... for only then can I truly heal, grow, and smell the fresh aroma of progress.

How deep is your hue?

2009-10-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

I found myself pondering the other day... trust me- that can be a scary and unpredictable thing! So anyway, I saw a color swatch- you know what I mean, right? One of those slips you pick up from the paint store, 5 or 6 inches long with as many shades of the same color lined up along it's length. A sample of color, for you to bring home and check out in the lighting where you intend to apply it. Somehow in the twisted depths of my brain, that paint color swatch got me thinking about faith, specifically the depths of faith and growing closer to God. Don't ask, I probably couldn't even begin to figure out how the connection was initially made, but if you stay with me, you might see the connection... eventually.

You see, I was saved many, many years ago. I accepted Jesus as my lord and savior, and I asked him to forgive my sins and save my life. I know that on that day I was saved. I was no longer plain white "base" paint, I had color. The life saving, future changing color of salvation. I had chosen my hue (a nice blue if you like imagery) and I had asked for a squirt of dye. And nothing... nothing anywhere, anytime, can ever take that color away. Spread me as thin as you want, put me in whatever light you wish... I am no longer "white base" but am now "blue." Changed, forever. I'd like to say that from that day forward I was a perfect Christian, never sinning, always growing closer to God through study, prayer, and devotion, and always living exactly as Christ would have lived. Obviously: I wasn't. Honestly I just floated along as "saved" for a long time. Occasionally I'd make a step by doing a Bible study or signing up to serve in one area or another, sometimes I'd make a commitment and stay focused on keeping it- keeping myself in church and fellowship with other believers more regularly. But for the most part I didn't go far. I may have dreamed of a deep, rich, full blue... but in reality I was barely baby blue. A baby Christian for more years that should have been allowed, blessed with "Bible smarts" but not necessarily deeply connected to my God. Thanks to that wonderful and amazing God, I finally woke up. I realized that, although "saved," I wasn't living the way He designed. I wasn't growing the way He desired. I realized that my faith, my salvation, my character meant more to me than a decision in a land far away and a time long ago.

God put people, places, situations, books, studies, and time in my life in just the right way to open my eyes to the pitiful, pale shade of blue that I was letting my life stay. The more I realized how little I had grown the more I yearned to grow more. I disciplined myself for daily Bible reading and devotions, I started learning how to have a fuller prayer life, I tuned in to God's voice in my life, and I started exploring the gifts He gave me and figuring out how to best use them as He desires. And I feel so much deeper now. My heart is more in love with my God than it was the day I made that decision. I have prayed and studied and begged for God to deepen my faith, to grow my spirit, and He has been faithful. He has poured His word, His love, His mercy, His grace, and His wisdom into my life, as color in a paint can, and I am on my way to becoming the shade of blue that I love and desire to be. And what is likely the best part... is that He will never quit until the day of Christ Jesus. He will keep showing up as I seek Him, keep deepening my hue until the day comes when the earthly will pass away. And I will stand before His throne, and my truest desire is to hear the words, "well done." I hope that on that day I will stand, the deepest hue of beautiful blue that I've ever seen.

Friendship

2009-10-03T06:18:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with someone from work yesterday, and the question came up, "what is the friendship attraction between Y and Z." (Obviously, Y and Z stand for two other women we work with.) I couldn't really answer with much other than convenience and proximity. You see these two women are so very different it is hard to understand why they have a friendship such as they do. One is young, newly married, no children, college graduate currently enrolled in graduate studies, loyal, honest, humble... the other is different in almost every way. She's at least 10 years older, no college degree, two kids, married for quite some time, very self-important and self-focused, and will not hesitate to step on you if it saves her hide. Yet these two women are called "friends." It really got me thinking about friendship... the ones I have, the way each differs, and if my frienships are pleasing to God- following according to His design.

I realized that I have several different types of friends. Those who lift me up, those who keep me grounded, those who encourage me, and those I try to encourage. I know that God intended for us to live in community, in fellowship with others, helping each other and sharing burdens together. He wants us to be a loving people, a true community that brings his love to life every day for each other. And in many cases, my friendships do just that. Take A, for example, my dear sweet friend who I had coffee and cheese toast with yesterday. Whenever I get the chance to truly chat with her I realize how blessed I am to have her in my life. She encourages me and lifts my spirits in ways she probably doesn't even realize. We are alike in many ways, and she truly cares about my heart. And I truly care about hers, very much. I can only hope that our friendship of mutual support will continue to blossom in the years ahead. Or my friend B, who I've known for many years. We are different in more ways than we're alike, but we share similar "heart characteristics" if you will, and we've seen each other through many struggles, mistakes, triumphs, and failures. I know our friendship will last, as it has already weathered the tests of time, distance, and heartache. Then there are some co-workers that come to mind. There are a few who I have connected with intellectually that I feel don't have the spiritual connection that I'd love to see them develop. Some are more openly resistant to it than others, but because of our time together at work and our intellectual comraderie I still name them "friends." My desire for these women is to be a witness of Christ's love, so that at the very least a seed of "wow, something is different about her" is planted in their hearts. The danger in these friendships is that I will sacrifice my own high standards and participate in their gossip or less than Christ-like discussions. So far I've managed to realize the downward trend before it becomes an issue, but I realize that I have to be intensely aware of the tone of conversation. Lately I've also added a new group of friends, those who I've already known and appreciated, but I've only recently discovered that they share my faith. As I become more bold and willing to talk about my own beliefs I am learning who shares it and who shuns it. And I'm praying that God will help me grow closer to those who share it, and help me stay strong and bold about sharing it with those who don't yet.

So, my prayer is that I will continue to develop and sustain friendships that are pleasing to God. I know that His design includes sharing life with others, and I pray that I do that in a healthy, beneficial way that glorifies Him and His purpose.

Independence

2009-09-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

What a funny thing. And why is it so consuming to us sometimes?

Lately my C has been pushing his boundaries. For the past 3 years he's been pretty dependent and accepting of me. He let me do things for him, clean him, feed him, take care of him. Don't get me wrong, he has started taking on these tasks as he is physically able- but for the most part he trusts me to take care of him. He knows I will be there when he wakes up in the morning, that there will be clothes for him to wear that fit him well and keep him warm. He knows I will fix something for him to eat for breakfast, that I will clean up the dishes, do his laundry, drive him places, keep him safe... you know, the basic neccesities of life will be handled responsibly. And yet he has reached that age where he wants more control over his moments. He is resisting some of the boundaries, pushing the limits, trying to wrestle control and authority away- one decision at a time. Suddenly the oatmeal that he would have eaten happily without question a week ago is detestable to him and he demands Cheerios today instead. Out of the blue he wants to put his own shoes on, and furthermore he wants to wear the most ridiculous, too small, non-matching pair he can find- mainly because it is not the pair I had set out for him. He doesn't want to put his toys away when I say it is time to clean up, and he doesn't care that I think it is bath time because HIS schedule doesn't allow for bath at that particular moment.

It has been a bit frustrating to say the least- in case you couldn't tell. I know it is a normal part of life, a part of growing up, stretching his wings, and turning into a little guy who will (hopefully) eventually turn into an amazing man. So I try to take a deep breath, extend grace and mercy while still instilling discipline, and help guide and direct him. My heart's truest hope is that I can help him fill his heart with a desire to be Christ-like, and to properly direct this independent energy towards a life of love and service for God. That I can every so gently and (VERY) gradually start to let him lean less on me, and learn to turn to his heavenly Father for the details.

And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. God must feel like this every day He looks at me. Like I'm feeling now. I am C's Mom, I know what is best and I want everything life offers to be available to him. I want him to be the best he can be, to do all he can do, and to love his life every step of the way. I want him to trust me, to continue to rely on me, to let me help him and love him and keep him safe. I know that I will start letting go a little at a time, and I know even more poignantly that I can only hold on so tight. But I want his little eyes to keep turning to me, his little heart to keep reaching for me, and his little hands to keep holding onto me. And how much more does God want that for my life. He takes care of even the sparrow, so I know He will do so much more for me, if only I let Him. If only I trust Him, rely on Him, live for Him, how much more will he bless me, care for me, and truly enrich my life beyond any earthly measure. He will not force me into anything I won't choose for myself. But He is longing for me to keep turning my eyes to Him, resting in Him when I am weary, and running to Him when my forays into independence leave me flat on my back.

So why is it so hard for me to learn this lesson and make it stick. Why do I keep trying to wrestle back control of my own world? Why do I continually stomp my feet, let out a whine, and assert my own stubborn independence? Maybe that is my area of weakness, or my greatest struggle, or my cross to bear. However you want to see it, I realize now that I need to be alert to my own independence. I know that I need to constanly remember to submit to His will, to seek His comfort, and to trust in His provision. For when I am contently resting in Him, snuggled deep into His arms with my face buried in His chest... that is when I am truly at peace. Like a babe in his mother's arms, that is when my soul truly finds rest.

Yet again...

2009-09-16T11:40:00.001-07:00

God is so awesome!

I have had a rough patch lately, just a small one, but one nonetheless. I don't know what sparked it, but it was probably many things strung together. I love fall, school supplies, cool, crisp air, the changing and falling leaves, and football season. I love so many things about this season, and I was so surprised when I felt the all-too-familiar restlessness start to creep back into my heart. I thought I had moved past those feelings... feelings of anticipation of the unknown, feelings of unsettledness, feelings that something was missing, or not right, or about to be not right... But yet, there they were all over again. That funny, restless state that haunted me for so long.

The kids have started preschool, B has turned 4, C is now 3, and they are moving into a new season. B is enjoying her horseback riding lessons immensely, and she continues to be a sweetheart with an amazing love for people, helping, and God. She hits me with droves of questions, some of them impressively off the wall (where do the germs come out of when we sneeze?) and others impressively deep (how can God be in so many people at the same time?) C has decided to assert his independence and is pushing his boundaries every day. I am pushing back, but trying to do it in a loving but firm way that imparts discipline and a heart for God. It isn't always easy, trust me. Every day I question if I'm doing it right, or good enough, or even just enough to get by.

Work is going well, I'm enjoying my job, taking on new responsibilities, and enjoying opportunities to excel and share my knowledge and experience. The more I take on, though, the more I want to take on. Which is good, but not perfect. I do enjoy what I do, and I enjoy being a leader in informal as well as formal ways. But I know that left unchecked my ambition would run away with me and leave my true responisibilities behind. And that is what God wrote on my heart. Yet again...

I was driving along, minding my own business, only half paying attention to the music playing in my car. I was thinking about a conversation I had just overheard between two other respected leaders in my profession. They were talking about how much longer they each had before finishing their Master's Degrees, what their plans were beyond them, and how their career paths were shaping up. Part of me was, once again, longing for the chance to go back to school, to get started on my doctorate and start letting my formal education catch up with where my brain (and heart) think it already should be. I was starting to dream of ways I could balance it- going back to school- from financial and family/schedule perspectives. Then, out of the blue, suddenly the music in my car seemed louder. It really wasn't, I totally know that, but God shifted my focus and really made me hear what was being sung. This is what I heard.

I'm leting go of this life I've planned for me, and my dreams
I'm loosing control of my destiny,
it feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe.

This is a giant leap of faith
trusting and trying to embrace
the fear of the unknown
beyond my comfort zone.
But I'm letting go

Suddenly a song I've heard, sung, and really learned from in the past took on a new meaning in my heart. Well, it isn't a new lesson by any means. But it is one of the ones that God has to teach me over and over. I'm a pretty quick learner and I remember things very well. But there are a few things God has to beat over my head repeatedly, and even then I sometimes don't really get it for good. But this is one of them: It isn't all about me. My purpose is not to make Rachel happy. My purpose is not to prove how big I am, how smart I am, how much I can do, or how far I can go. God's design is for me to serve... to look beyond my own stubborn ego and truly focus on what is in front of me. My home, my husband, my family. It isn't about my own dreams for higher education (or the letters I can put after my name). It isn't about knowing what is coming every minute of every day in every week ahead. It isn't even about feeling comfortable in every situation. To truly live for God means to get over myself, let go of whatever fantasy idea I dreamed up, and to give my life for those around me. It is to walk with Him, wherever that leads, even when I can't see past the footfalls in front of me. It is to trust that His ways are so much bigger, His plan so much better, and His reward so much sweeter. And although it may be scary and uncomfortable sometimes, I keep walking, keep looking to Him, and keep trusting Him to bring this work to completion.

The peace is back... the peace of letting go of my dreams, and opening my heart to whatever God sends my way. And it is so sweet.

Wow!

2009-09-11T12:21:00.001-07:00

I suddenly realized it had been a rather LONG time since I had posted here! Sorry!

So I have been in an unsettled place lately. The fun of summer had worn thin, the anticipation of a new school year was large on the horizon, the fun of a big vacation still to come, the uncertainty of some adjustments and tough weeks loomed ahead. C turned three and decided he was suddenly very independent and cared very little what I had to say. This also led to some sibling squabbles that I had been blessed to avoid thus far. So far they are minimal and easily abated, but yes, the day has finally come. They still adore each other and profess to be best friends, but they have figured out what it is to disagree with each other.

School is back in swing, which means more consistent patterns in the neighborhood. Families are back at home, and the faces we know as our community are once again familiar sights. B and C are both in preschool this year, and so far are absolutely loving it. They literally JUMP out of the van during drop off, and trot into school happily exclaiming, "bye mom!" without a second thought. This is good, I know, but I can't say I wouldn't mind a little more remorse as they leave me behind. ;) Having them both in preschool, and knowing that B will be ready for Kindergarten next year, has left me very anxious about how and where they will be schooled. I have started looking into many options, some of which I never would have dreamed of pursuing, but I know God will guide the process. It does prompt some serious anxiety if I allow myself to really think about it!

B is in preschool M,W,F and C goes on M,W. I am still on MOPs leadership, which fills up my 'free' time on Wednesdays. But I am thrilled that I will be free on Monday mornings. Now, mind you, I work pretty much every other Monday, but I don't have to go in until 10:30- which will give me about an hour free on those days. And the Mondays that I don't work I will have a few hours. Today I sent C in since Monday was a holiday this week, so today was officially my first day with "free" time. I came home, got dinner in the crock-pot, aired up the tires on my bike, and went for a 10.8 mile ride. I know. Insane. I haven't ridden my bike in probably 2 years or more. I just eased back in, right? The worst part was that I was on a pretty major road with a pretty nonexistent shoulder and some hills that didn't seem so impressive until I had to pedal up them. Wow. Anyway, this is all part of my figuring out of that triathlon dream will ever come to fruition. I'm certainly not getting any younger! :)

Okay, enough random ramblings. I guess I should go check the crock pot and play a few rounds of Chutes and Ladders before Dad gets home. I'm so glad we're starting to settle into yet another "new normal" around here. I hope it helps allay this restlessness... Uh oh... I hear shouts of "No, sissy!" Better run!

The Umbrella

2009-08-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

I was using an object lesson with my kids the other day, one I read about in a book. It seemed to make sense, and I thought I'd try it out as a way to help them understand why there are rules and why they have to follow them. The basic lesson is this: parents are like an umbrella, and the rain is bad things happening. As long as you follow the rules and stay under the umbrella of your parent's protection, then you, for the most part, will stay dry and safe. But when you disobey and step outside of the protetction of the umbrella, you are opening yourself up to the rain- the consequences- the negative in the world. Well... you know how God works in my heart. For every lesson I think I'm teaching my children, God throws at least one back in my heart.

You see, as I was drawing the picture of the umbrella, the rain, and the kids standing safely under cover, it decided I had to draw another, bigger umbrella above the one that I had first drawn. I had to draw the "God" umbrella, because parents are accountable to and protected by Him. It made sense, and the kids seemed to get the idea. But God wrote it more deeply on my heart. You see, He will protect us, and He will keep us safe. We, as Christians, just need to draw near to Him, stay under the umbrella of His protection and obey His laws and He will keep us from getting soaked in the rainstorms of life. There WILL be storms, rain WILL come, difficult times WILL appear. And sometimes, even if we are under the umbrella, the hems of our pants may get a little damp. But the closer we draw to Him, the one holding the handle of the umbrella, the less the waters of the worlds' crisis will soak us. Conversely, if we decide to step out from under His cover, we run the risk of getting hosed.

It may not seem bad at first. It may be a bright sunny day without a cloud in sight. We may think it is okay to just push the envelope a little, peek out from under the edge, enjoy the warm, sunny weather. And honestly, it may be nice out there in the sun. The warmth of sunshine may feel good on our skin, the breeze more refreshing on our faces without that umbrella in the way. So we start walking along, still near to His will, but not quite in it. We can see exactly how He would like us to stay close, right up against Him, but we're having fun out here in the sun! We still know He's there, and we're not even too far away. But suddenly, the storm hits. The rain comes without warning, and the clouds darken the sky. We're left standing on our own- soaking wet, not able to clearly see the umbrella past the torrents of rain between us. We run around, searching for that safety, wishing we hadn't stepped outside of that protection to begin with, crying for Him to save us.

And He is good. He is still there, and His umbrella always has room for us to come running back. He will take us back into his arms, brush our wet hair from our eyes, and dry us with his mercy. Sure, He wishes that we never left to begin with. But the miracle of his gift of salvation is that He offers it over and over to anyone who will take it. But for me, I'm tired of the mayhem of running in the rain. Sure, the sun is fun to play in, but the safety of being in His arms during the storms is worth missing out on any earthly pleasure I can imagine. So I make it my goal to ignore the temptations of the world, to turn my eyes to Him, even when the world seems sunny. To keep my focus on staying at His side, so that when the rains come, I need just jump into his arms, right at the center of the umbrella.

Letting go

2009-08-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

I am a very forgiving person. I don't typically hold grudges, and I am usually very quick to forgive and forget. I even avoid confrontation and just let things slide off of me rather than seething or grumbling about them repeatedly. But sometimes, every once in a while, something gets to me. It hadn't happened in a while, fortunately, and I didn't really have any one person or event that came to mind when asked "what is bugging you?" But right now... there is something. Well, I guess I should say: recently, there was something. Because I pray that God has truly changed my heart about this and helped me let it go for good.

You see, there once was a girl who I got to know. Not a "best friend" by any means, but someone I began to chat with, relate to, and even trust in many ways. We had a lot in common, and shared similar views on some things. We helped each other out and I even began to enjoy having the chance to be around this girl. At one point during our growing friendship she made me a promise. A promise that I believed, as I had seen her keep the same promise to someone else. Somewhere along the way she decided that it was okay to break this promise. And she did. And when she did it left me feeling used, betrayed, and disrespected. I felt like my feelings, my life was so unimportant to her that she could just walk away from this promise without a second thought. It hurt, and I won't deny it. And the emotional impact of her decision was far worse than the undelivered goods of the promise. It was no longer about what I didn't get, it was suddenly about what I meant (or didn't mean) to her. And that hurt.

This promise was broken quite some time ago. Way longer ago than I care to admit, even to myself. But the pain is still there. And every once in a while, like these past few days, the pain resurfaces- usually because of a comment or an action that remind me of my unimportance in her world. I struggled horribly this weekend. I let anger seethe in my heart. I let my soul wrench with the repeated experience of the pain of betrayal. I let my heart ache, once again, over hurts that should have long since been healed. I cried, I yelled, and I cried some more, begging God to take away these destructive, rotting feelings in my heart. Little by little I started feeling it loosen up, I started feeling the iceberg melt, started letting the anger subside. But at the core, the pain was still there. Until today. I was reading a book about parenting and discipline and teaching to the very heart of our children. I was thumbing through a section filled with scripture that is useful for speaking God's will to their hearts, for adding validity to the rules and expectations our discipline is to enforce. And just when I thought I was trying to be a better parent to my kids, God once again reminded me that becoming a better mother is as much about becoming a better ME. Scriptures began assaulting the anger in my heart. I was flooded with Proverbs 11:24, Luke 6:30-31, Ephesians 4: 26-27, Proverbs 19:11, Romans 12:18, and most importantly, Proverbs: 20:22 : Do not say, 'I'll pay you back for this wrong!' Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you.

I was overcome by God's grace, filled with His love, and assaulted with His convicting words. I pray that He continues to use these words to soften my heart, to help me find that (usually so freely available) forgiveness that He expects from me, to end the bitterness that this situation has brought to my life. For only He can heal me. Only He can give peace to my heart. And ultimately, only He can judge.

The Potter

2009-08-21T11:44:00.000-07:00

"Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand." Jeremiah 18:6

I have struggled over the years with my faults. Accepting myself for who, what, and how I am. I can list many "flaws," too many to even begin to start laying out. I have been frustrated with my emotional weaknessess, discouraged by my physical imperfections, and embarrased by my social shortcomings. I have often wished to be more. More beautiful, more intelligent, more graceful, more cheerful, more intentional, more likeable. If I allow myself to be, I will inevitably be my own worst critic. I will wish that my flaws would just melt away, and that I could be more "ideal." I have even found myself weeping over what I see as an impossible fault. But God doesn't see it that way. He doesn't ever shed a tear about any aspect of who I am. He doesn't look at me with disappointment or discouragement over what He made me to be.

God made me this way. He put dimples in the surface of my heart. He put ridges in the contour of my emotions, gave shape to the intricacies of my unique personality. He built my body, bones, flesh, and all, exactly how He intended. He is the Potter, and He had a unique, specific purpose in mind when He shaped me. He knew exactly what my life would hold, how it may be a reservoir of hope, a vessel of courage, a basin of belief to the world around me. He knows every aspect of my life, even the ones I label "flawed" or "imperfect" or "irregular." But He doesn't agree. His hand shaped each of those places in my life, and He purposefully designed each and every one. I am starting to get the feeling that He is heartbroken when He hears me discounting and despairing over my imperfections. That He hopes I can someday see the amazing purpose that He had in mind when He uniquely and fearfully made ME. me. I get so excited at that possibility.

Temper tantrums

2009-08-16T21:14:00.001-07:00

I just love how God meets me right when I need him.

I had one of those mornings today. You know the kind- somehow you don't get enough coffee on board quite early enough, everyone seems to have their own agenda, none of which mesh well together, and several tired, impatient people end up with miscommunications and miffed feelings. So I was driving to church, alone in my car, with my family in the van in front of me. I was feeling mad, I was feeling hurt, I was feeling self righteous indignation about who knows what. I had let frustration creep in and convince me that I was unloved, unimportant, and disrespected. I was vaccillating between tears and anger, screaming harsh words as loud as I could, so much that my throat got sore. I wallowed in self pity, in anger, and in my own selfishness. I was in the midst of a full blown temper tantrum. And I didn't want out. I wanted apologies. I didn't want God to soften my heart, ease my pain- not at all. I wanted groveling, foot kissing, "I'm wrong" spouting apologies, and furthermore I wanted doting appreciation for everything I had done all week- no- all month long.

Well. God knew better. He knew that I didn't need that. He knew that if I started getting that kind of treatment, then I would start thinking I deserved it. And honestly, the impatience and the griping and the misunderstandings of the morning were as much my fault as anyone elses. I started to feel my anger simmering down, my heart softening like butter set on a warm stovetop. Wait a second! No way! Not this time. My anger flared up again and I wrestled with God. Come on! I've come so far! I'm so much less selfish these days. My expectations are so much fewer and I really do try hard all the time to serve, to love, to act for everyone except me... doesn't that earn me a day of moping. Doesn't that buy me at least one groveling apology!?!? I shook my fists in my mind and stomped my feet like a 2 year old. I could just see in my mind's eye how my heart must have looked to God. Do you remember the troll dolls with the wild hair in bright neon colors? I bet right then God looked at my heart and saw a pink-haired troll doll, shaking her fists and stomping her feet, yelling, "Me me me me me!!!"

But God is good. And He knows what we need, even when it isn't what we think we need. I wanted an earthly apology. I wanted appreciation and acknowledgement from people- people who, like me, are imperfect and incapable of meeting my every desire or need. My radio suddenly became quite clearly audible, as Third Day sang Call My Name loudly through the speakers of my car.

"It's been so long since you felt like you were loved
so what went wrong
but do you know there's a place where you belong
here in my arms
when you feel like you're alone in your sadness
it seems like no one else in this whole world cares
and you want to get away from the madness
you just call my name and i'll be there
you just call my name and i'll be there
the pain inside has erased your hope for love
soon you will find
that i'll give you all that your heart could ever want
and so much more."

My temper tantrum soon turned to tears. At first they were tears of frustration, that once again the things I swore I deserved and would hold onto in anger until I received... once again these things were melting away in importance. Once again God was softening my heart and I would be the one to give in. But the frustration over these realities soon turned to praise. To elation that God is so good that He can fill me up with His love and His presence, that He can meet my every need in a way that is so much deeper than words spoken by earthly lips can ever match. To tears of overwhelming thanks, that God could use words I have heard sung dozens of times to reach into a lonely part of my heart and fill me up with what He knew I needed. My temper tantrum was over. I didn't like letting go of the selfish, angry, indignation that my mind had so neatly justified. But the fullness that God put in it's place was so much sweeter, so much more comforting, and so much more lasting. And the peace it brings will never fail me. His love will sustain me, despite my tantrums.

Perspective

2009-08-14T16:55:00.001-07:00

It is funny how something can really feel so very different depending on what your perspective is when you approach it. Looking at something with a doubtful, negative eye can really make it hard to accept or appreciate. But seeing the good in the same situation and making the best of what is left can really change the way you feel about it.

For instance, there was recently an opportunity for some career changes around here. The hope was that they would improve our financial situation, give us more flexibility in our family schedule, and relieve a little frustration that currently exists. The possibility was very good that this change would happen, and we allowed ourselves to dream a little and get quite excited about what it would mean for us. As with anything, there were some "cons" (if you will) to this opportunity, but while we were dreaming those weren't as apparent. Well, the opportunity didn't end up becoming all we had hoped for, and the change won't be coming anytime soon. At first it was a tough blow, we were both disappointed, let down, even a little angry that our hopes had been yanked from us. But after a few days, a lot of prayer, and a little hindsight it is easy to see that things as they are right now are still pretty good. We have both accepted fully that the change wasn't meant to be, and we have an amazing peace about it. Now it would be easy to focus on the lost dreams, the things we were looking forward to that now won't become reality, to pout about missed opportunities. There was a time in my life that I would have gotten stuck there, probably for quite some time, and I would have moped around for days, miffed that it fell through. But God has changed my heart, and He truly helps me accept that His ways are higher than my ways. And when I look at the things of this earth with my own eyes, they sometimes might not make sense. But God can see so much more. He can see the whole picture, the missing pieces that He has yet to drop into place. He knows the plans He has for us, and He will carry them through. So I'm trying to look at things from God's perspective. Sometimes that means I may not be able to see where I'm going or what is coming.

Like last night, when I got called into work. It was 11pm and I was heading into the ER instead of sleeping soundly in my bed. I was thrown together, my contacts at home in their case, and my glasses sported sleepily on the bridge of my nose. I stepped out of my air-conditioned car into the muggy, humid night and headed for the door of the ER. Within seconds the moisture in the air completely fogged up my lenses. I couldn't see more than shadows and movements, barely able to see anything beyond the inch between my eyeballs and my glasses. But I knew where the ER was and I trusted that it would still be there. So I kept walking. It was a bit disconcerting, trekking along in the dark parking lot, unable to really see where I was going, relying on the noises around me to tell me if the ambulance I spotted on the way in was moving towards me or still parked in my path. But I knew that the ER would be right where I last knew it to be. I knew where the curbs in the parking lot were, and where the access panel to the doors is mounted. So I kept walking, and eventually I made it through the doors and into the familiar walls of the ER. Sometimes it is like that with God. I know He is there, I know He will take me down the path that He designed for my life. I just have to trust and walk, using His word and the reassurance of the many fulfilled promises He has already blessed me with as my guide. And when the humidity fogs my lenses and I can't see more than glimpses and shadows of what is in front of me, I can keep walking, knowing that He never moves, He never changes, and He will never let me down.

So I praise Him, for this ever growing ability to stop looking at my life circumstances through flawed, shielded, earthly eyes. I praise Him for the way He is continually growing and stretching my ability to see things with a God perspective- even when that means I can't see more than an inch in front of my face. I praise Him for the peace that He brings me and the trust that grows through these perspectives.

Busy...

2009-08-12T03:56:00.000-07:00

So life seems to just be running on without my consent. Every day I turn around and something else has found it's way onto my calendar. I feel like I can't even keep up some days. The good news is that most of it is fun, happy, rewarding stuff. The bad news is that I'm exhausted. I need a break, yet again. And the possibility that loomed just ahead that may have offered that break... well, it isn't happening. So onward I plug. Back to more of the same.

I'm just going to have to start writing more. It usually keeps me sane ;)

Everyday Rewards

2009-07-29T12:46:00.001-07:00

Do you ever feel like your days are just pointless repetition? Like you lost yourself somewhere along the way of laundry, vacuum cleaners, sippy cups, and toy boxes. And lets not forget the seemingly daily frustration of discipline. Don’t you sometimes feel like a recording, saying over and over, “pick up your clothes,” “take your plate to the sink,” “don’t run in the house,” “be gentle with the dog’s ears,” “no fighting!” Does it ever leave you feeling worn out, run down, craving something that feels like success, hoping for something to make you feel proud? And yet, as you look into the little eyes of the kids who you adore, somehow you can find the strength to get up and do it all over again.
I know that I have struggled through the years I’ve called ‘motherhood’ thus far. It all seemed like such a great idea. I would have kids, I’d be a great mom, they’d love me, and listen, and obey, and we’d play and have fun together, and life would be grand. But somehow the chores piled up, the struggles seemed to start outnumbering the successes, and the frustrations of life started to blur my view of this “perfect family” that I was building. I have tried many different times to find ways to fix these frustrated or discouraged times: taking on a new responsibility in hopes that I’d be able to feel proud of some success; looking for a new friendship or group to join to feel more like I belonged and mattered; immersing myself in reading everything I could find that was remotely related to my perceived faults to try to “better” myself. Don’t get me wrong, none of these things have been bad. All of them are probably good, honorable efforts that shouldn’t be discounted as strategies for improvement. But none of them brought the peace and fulfillment that I was truly searching for.
Until one day: Psalm 119: 37 jumped into my heart and really shook it up. “Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word” (NIV). God’s word says that to truly live we should serve. We should put ourselves, our dreams, our perceptions last, and truly seek his heart. If we can somehow find a way to stop looking at ourselves through our own warped and twisted eyes, and start looking at God’s world through His eyes, then maybe we wouldn’t feel so lost in our own shortcomings, frustrated by our own mishaps, and disappointed in our own unmet expectations. You see, God wants us to serve. To be His hands and feet, to be Christ here on earth and live out the love, compassion, and outreach that He modeled while He was here. When we take our focus off ourselves, and start turning it towards those around us who we can serve, then God is not only thrilled by our actions, but glorified through our life. Suddenly the dishes and laundry aren’t hopeless chores, but ways we can bless our husbands and children by keeping their home welcoming and peaceful. And acting as referee in yet another sibling squabble isn’t a sign of my failure, it is a perfect opportunity to teach life skills and talk about God’s grace, forgiveness, and mercy.
I am starting to learn an amazing lesson: that I can seek fulfillment in many different ways, but they usually leave me feeling just as empty. But when I start seeking God, my heart is blessed with the most amazing, brimming over, never-ending fulfillment that only He can provide. Oh what sweet reward.

"Definining" moments... and healing

2009-07-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity last night to have a great chat with my Bible study buddy, Marla. We talked about "defining" moments or issues or comments that we endured that have affected the way we are as people. Specifically, we looked at things that hurt us or wounded us that have shaped how we see ourselves and the thoughts and feelings that have come from them.

One thing that spoke to me was the concept of not wanting to be "defined" by these issues. Sure, they shaped who we are, and they have had lasting effects on our personalities, coping skills, and self talk. But should we just say "that is who I am" and move on in life, allowing them the power to continually keep a door open for attack? I think not. I think the true goal is to first become aware of how these issues developed, acknowledge their contribution to our past and present, and then find a way to heal those wounds and replace them with the truths of God's love. That is where I think I am right now. I have really become painfully aware of some of my hangups, and when/why they began. I am still working on the "heal and replace" part. It is a tough road, as some of my issues have a long and deep rooted past in my life story. It isn't easy to undo that. But as much as they have shaped who I am today, I refuse to let them warp who I will be tomorrow. I am committed to turning back to God's words, His promises, His affirmations, His comfort and truly speaking that truth to my heart, so that tomorrow I can grow in His way alone.

Another whirlwind week!

2009-07-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

And still going.
I have to say that it has been an amazing, awesome, absolutely blessed week.
We had our wonderful 10-year anniversary getaway. We had SO much fun and came hope intact (with quite a few bumps, scrapes, and bruised that we proudly wear as battle scars.) I've made P into a Rock-climbing lover, a dream I've had since we met! Wooo hooo!! Neither of us can wait for our next chance at an adventure getaway, but we're SO glad to be home with our little loves. Brianna's birthday is in full swing, and she's crashed out napping after her fabulous party this morning. She had school friends over this morning and they had SO much fun. It was a great morning, and we're looking forward to the rest of the day.
A few more days of chaos left (meetings, Dr appointments, etc) and hopefully we'll settle down again soon.
For now... we keep on keeping on!

Not ME! Monday!

2009-07-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

This let-it-all-out blog carnival was created by MckMama. I love to read her blog and feel more human! But just so you know, I would never have anything to post on a topic like this! Not ME!

If you were watching me make cookies with my two kiddos, you would NEVER hear me say, "wait a second, I gotta put the cocoa in before you lick it- it will taste so much better!" Not me! I would never encourage kids to put their fingers in the bowl.

And my daughter most certainly did NOT fall off of a kitchen chair, while she was NOT standing on it stirring a bowl of cherry-flax-bran muffins. And when she didn't fall, taking the entire glass mixing bowl with her, my first thought was certainly NOT, "I hope she doesn't break my favorite mixing bowl!" Furthermore, as I gathered her up onto my lap and comforted her after she didn't fall, I most certainly did not use my finger to scoop up a big dollop of batter off the cabinet and drop it back into the (not broken) mixing bowl. Not me! I'm WAY too sanitary for that.

I definitely did NOT steal my neighbor's internet connection this morning when mine was mysteriously down for an hour or so. I would never do such a thing! Not ME!

I am NOT leaving my kids with my sister for two nights this week. Even if it is my 10th wedding anniversary on Friday, I would NEVER saddle my sister with that responsibility- she has enough on her plate with her own four kids. And I definitely did NOT buy a wild, wet, crazy yard sprinkler toy and get my kids all pumped up about "sharing it with their cousins" this week. I'd never set my sweet sister up for a house full of 6 wet, dirty kids!

When I caught a squirrel pilfering from my garden, I definitely did not sic my pets, the rodent killing dog and cat, on it. My cat has never brought me (3) dead squirrels, and my dog certainly doesn't kill mice, moles, and voles. We are humane lovers of all creatures here! And I have never heard my 3 year old say "look, another dead animal" while we're enjoying dinner! Not ME!

Finally, I would never sit and laugh and blog while my kids nap instead of packing for my 10th anniversary trip. Not ME!

And on, and on, and on...

2009-07-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like that is how my to-do list goes. On. And on. And on.
It is funny, I say "yes" to little things. Oh, that's easy. No problem! I can take care of that. And before long, the little things are piling up. A mountain stares me in the face. And I don't even know where to start. Amazing how "little" things can suddenly feel amazingly crushing. I shouldn't be surprised. I've done it a thousand times. I resolve to keep my calendar clear, to keep days open, to try to simplify and do less. And then I turn around and my calendar is suddenly more ink than bare page. And each little activity, each obligation, each committment is wonderful. Joyful. Rewarding. Each, in and of itself, is a blessing. But the sum of the parts is insurmoutable. Alone, that is. Because once again, I am reminded that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. No, I'm not saying it is okay to over-commit. But I can climb this again-way-too-high hill ahead of me, because He is behind me. And I really CAN do "it" - even if "it" means saying no and letting go of a few things. :)

So suddenly...

2009-07-03T05:49:00.001-07:00

There have been several big things in my family lately that have made me realize just how suddenly life can change. Someone get sick, someone makes a mistake, someone reaches a breaking point, or someone gets horrible news. Any number of things can happen that have the potential to completely change life as we know it into something outside of our wildest imagination. It can be heartbreaking, hope shattering, overwhelming, and desolation inducing. Our only hope is to turn to our Lord, to reach to him with every fiber of our being, to lean on his strength and trust in His promises. To rest in the knowledge that "all things work together for the good of those called according to His purpose."

Just a Mom! warning some gross content ahead!

2009-07-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

So, one joy we're experiencing this week is the task of taking a stool sample to the pediatrician's office. Brianna was SO excited, "I get to poop in that hat!" she gleefully explained to her brother. Finally the moment came and the job was done. Now for the task of moving it (with gloves and specimen sticks) to the specimen cup. She was SO curious and absolutely begged to do it herself, and she's pretty dexterous, so I let her have at it. Yes. I did. I set a 3 year old loose with two popsicle-like sticks and a turd, and let her try to move it to a cup. I am proud to say that she did an amazing job. She transferred that poo more skillfully than many of the ER nurses I've worked with over the years. Not a smear outside of the cup, turd totally intact with minimal smushage. Yes, she did great. What a proud mommy moment! HA!

So I said to my able-handed, brilliant, adventurous little angel, "you did a great job with that sweetie! Are you going to be a doctor when you grow up?" To which she matter-of-factly replied, "nope, just a Mom!" How insightful my little love. :)

Whirlwind

2009-07-02T11:13:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how sometimes a week that seems pretty void on the calendar can so quickly fill up and fly by! That is how this week has been for us. One day after another, one thing spinning to the next, chores piling up - waiting to be done, running from one obligation to the next appointment, to yet another surprise trip somewhere... Suddenly it is Thursday and my week is almost over and somehow I have to find the time to finish some of the chores so that the house is in decent shape for me to work 3 of the next 4 days.

We're amidst a bit of a mystery around here, hoping to get good news, or at least some answers. We're gearing up for a trip in a few weeks, leaving the kids overnight for the first time ever, and I should be preparing, making lists, or even packing. I should be planning a little birthday party for my girl, getting ready to invite some of her friends over for a get-together. We should be relaxing, doing a whole lot of nothing, and just enjoying the summer days... but somehow the freight train of life has been barreling through and we can't jump off.

I feel like I just need a break. I need to catch up. I need to catch my breath. I need to feel like I have some grip of control on something. But I'm just running, best I can, trying to keep up, trying not to get left behind, trying to do a halfway decent job in the process, but constantly feeling like I'm lagging just behind where I want to be. I need a sabbatical. From life. Or maybe a maid. Or both.

What do they see?

2009-06-30T07:13:00.000-07:00

I was recently spending some time in reflection, worship, and prayer, and something was on my heart. I was considering how I have changed in one particular area- my feelings about what people think of me. It used to be that I really worried about what others thought of me. I was concerned with being liked, with people thinking I was smart or funny or talented, with people respecting or admiring me. I truly yearned for human acceptance and affirmation. Well, God has brought me far, and although I'm not completely freed from wanting to be liked in this world, I am much less affected and driven by the need for human acceptance and praise. This is such a freeing and delightful blessing.

So anyway, suddenly, during my quiet time with God I was hit with the question: "what do people see when they look at me." And suddenly, this question took on a new purpose in my heart. I no longer want to be able to answer things like "they like me" or "they think I'm smart" or "they think I'm talented." Suddenly I want them to see much less of me and more of Jesus in me. I don't want them to notice the gifts God has given me, but instead to see how God is glorified by how I use those gifts. I want to truly honor God with every thing I do.

I realized that it doesn't matter what other people see when they look at me, but at the same time it does matter what people see when they look at me- maybe now more than ever. It no longer matters to who I am, but it matters to who God is. It no longer matters to my heart what others see, but it matters many times more to God's kingdom. The opinions of others no longer have control of my life, they won't change a thing about me or about how I see myslef. I will no longer allow them to make a difference to my heart, but I want them to make every difference in their hearts. I want them to see what God has done for me, and what he continues to do for me every day. I want them to see Him glorified when they look at me, and to see how amazing his gifts can be when put to good use. I want them to see more of Him, and less of me. I want them to see His peace, His glory, His strength, His grace, His gifts, and His love to shine through, so that they will want to feel those same things in their own lives, and to discover and use the talents they have been blessed with for His glory too.

So it no longer matters what they see, but strangely, it now matters more than ever. It doesn't matter to who I am, but it is all important to who God is. Praise the Lord, for his goodness and mercy endure forever.

Miserable

2009-06-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

Not me!
But there has been much misery around our home the past 2 days. Out of nowhere yesterday morning, my Brianna announced, "Mommy, the snot is in my nose and I don't like it!!!" She was so sincere, even to the point of being angry at said snot. How cute! Poor little bug just felt miserable the rest of the day. She still played hard, as she is known to do, but whenever there was down time, she was snuggled on a pillow, in my arms, or in her bed, often whining or crying. I took advantage of the chance to snuggle her as much as I could. I want her to remember feeling comforted, enveloped in hugs, and snuggled close whenever she feels miserable. I want her to know all of the earthly love I can give her, so that she gets but a glimpse of God's awesome comforting love from above.

Well, as life would have it, today Caleb has been a bit "off." He's cried more tears today than in the past month, and most without good reason. Every little thing has set him off, just making him moan and bawl. So today is his day to snuggle. Except when his sister, who is still not 100%, is in my arms. Then a "discuusion" ensues over who gets which side of Mama's lap. What a sweet argument to referee! :) I'm so blessed.

Funny story- we're planning a trip in September (I'll write more about it at some point, I'm sure) that entails a flight for the four of us. We're debating the stroller issue. We'll definitely want one at our destination, but P isn't sure he'll want to deal with bringing one through the airport, dealing with it during security searches, and checking it at the plane. So we're trying to sort through how we would manage in the airport with 2 adults, 2 preschoolers (having just turned 3 and 4), and 4 carry-on bags. Without anyone or anything getting trampled. Or stolen. Or lost in the chaos. So, to get back to my point, I was talking about how the last time Brianna flew she was 8 weeks old, and she and I flew to Florida, just us two. I was saying how easy it was then because I just wore her on my chest and my hands were totally free for luggage, etc. Well, that got me thinking... last time I vacuumed Caleb was upset, so I put him in my ABC in a back carry. It worked great! Well, that wasn't so long ago, and if we could vacuum in it, then why couldn't we traverse an airport together? He won't grow that much between now and September, will he? So I decided to give it a try and see how he did in it, and if I could find a reasonable carry that could get us through an airport. Well, Caleb was not interested in cooperating with various ways of me wearing him, but fortunately his sister was dying to be strapped to my back. So... after trying several different options I decided that I could easily wear either of them through the airport with very little difficulty! And the best part is that my ABC balls up smaller than a sweatshirt, so it will be easy to stuff into my carry-on when not in use. So yes, my daughter (who is almost 4) got worn all over the house on a day she is sick. Indulgent. We were both in heaven. :)

Little mirrors

2009-06-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

I have heard it dozens of times, "She looks just like you!" I have to admit, I beam inside when I hear that. She is a gorgeous, delightful little girl and I am proud to hear it said that she resembles me in any small way. But lately I've learned more and more how watching my little ones can be like looking into little mirrors... in so many ways. When I am going about my daily routine I am never doing it in secret. Even in the comfort and privacy of my own home, I always have someone (well two someones actually) watching me. My little ones are learning, each and every day, how to act by watching me. They watch what I do, they watch what I say, they watch my attitude, my interactions, my moods, and my reactions. I am constantly under scrutiny- and not for criticism's sake, but as a model to two of the most important people in my life.

I saw it even more clearly this past Sunday. It was a fabulous day where we got to celebrate my wonderful hubby for the awesome Father that he is. I am truly blessed to have him on my team in this parenting adventure- he has proved more than once lately that he helps me be what I am all the time. But I digress... so all morning I was telling the kids, "tell Daddy happy Father's Day! Don't forget it is a special day, we need to give him lots of extra love today!" I prompted and urged them, and they would say it whenever prompted, but I was hoping they'd just do it spontaneously, without encouragement. Finally I gave up. It didn't seem to mean the same thing when it was prompted and scripted for them, so I stopped forcing them to say it. But it was still Father's Day, and I was determined to make it special for P. We had a great day together, doing whatever he wanted to do and eating what he wanted to eat. I prayed over our meals and always included a thanks to our heavenly Father for the amazing earthly father who leads our home. I thanked and praised him over and over for specific ways he keeps our family going, and for being the great father that he is. Well, before long the kids were doing it too, without me asking! They saw me lavishing him with praise and thanks and love, and they joined right in. It was awesome, and I hope P felt loved and appreciated.

But the thing I realized most of all out of that day was how much more important it is to model good character than it is to talk about good character. They are watching. They are learning more from what they see me than from what I tell them to do. Wow. What an honor. And what pressure! The Bible says that what is in the heart will come out when your guard is down, and I pray every day that God will grow and change and perfect my heart so that it is completely true to Him. I pray that I can heal and release all of the negative, hurtful, and unGodly things in my heart, so that my little loves will never see them modeled. I pray that, even under pressure, I can be an example of how to live, how to love, and how to serve. So that the scrutiny that I live under every day can be a testimony to God's healing, awesome, uplifting power and the amazing life that comes along with it.

I'm really growing up these days. You know, I thought I was all grown up. But I was wrong. The older my kids get and the more I grow as a Mom, the more I realize how important it is for me to be the best me that I can- the real me that God designed. At home is where my heart is truly growing, changing, and becoming more like God intended. And I am really liking it.

My Whirlwind...

2009-06-23T04:47:00.001-07:00

Wow, I've been going, going, going since last Tuesday! I'm exhausted, WAY behind on my household stuff, and just plain ready for a break.

It all started with a wonderful visit with our dear Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin here in Richmond. We spent Wednesday at their home playing, fellowshipping, eating, and just having fun. We unfortunately had to rush home in time for me to have a phone conference that afternoon, and then we spent the evening packing. Thursday morning we loaded up and hit the road early and headed up to Springfield for 7 dentist appointments in under 24 hours. Yes, we do go to Springfield to go to the dentist (some things are worth driving for!) and yes, the four of us did have 7 appointments in under 24 hours- count with me. We all had checkups/cleanings Thursday morning (the first 4 appointments), then we headed back to my mother-in-law's house for lunch. We put the kids down for naps and got things settled there and then P and I headed back to the dentist for appointments #5 & 6. From our last visit to the dentist we knew that I had two fillings that needed attention, and my dear P had 3.What we found out in the morning visit was that P had another 4 areas of concern. So that afternoon I got my 2 spots taken care of and P got 3 of his fixed. We took his Mom out for dinner for her birthday, then got the kids in bed and took a long walk down memory lane for P and his Mom. It was neat to see pictures, toys, and videos of his childhood. Friday morning P got up bright and early again and headed back to the dentist to get 2 more spots taken care of (appointment #7!) Luckily the other two areas are minor enough that they think they may resolve on their own, so my poor husband was finally ready to have feeling back in his face. While he was in the dental chair, the kids, mother-in-law, and I headed out to the stables where she keeps her horse and teaches lessons. On the way I was yawning incessantly, and I couldn't figure out why... other than the fact that I'd been up way late fixing a computer for MIL, but I had a cup of coffee with breakfast just as I always do... until dear MIL announced that she had switched to drinking decaf! Well, I drink half-caff at home, and let me tell you, there is a difference! :)

We had a blast at the stables. MIL arranged for two of the lesson ponies to be available for us to put the kids on, and hubby met us there and got to ride his horse again. This sweet horse has really become his mother's now, but it was the one he rode and showed in competitions during his high school years. The kids took many walks around the ring on those two ponies, and they had so much fun. Brianna even got to sit up on "daddy's horse" and walk a bit. It was a fabulous morning, but a lot of work for a mama to keep up with two preschoolers and groom, tack, and hold onto two ponies at the same time. I was exhausted and a little tense by the time we left. But we all made it home safely, except for my big toe that got squished by a pony, but that's okay.

We got home Friday just in time for dinner, and put the tired kids to bed in their own rooms. We spent Friday night unloading, unpacking, and sorting through the boxes of toys P had brought back with us. Saturday I headed off to work and spent my typical 12 hours of fun in the ER. Sunday morning brought Father's day, and we headed to the early 9am service at church. Afterwards, P wanted to do something fun, so we decided to check out a local pool/water park. Caleb preferred to people-watch from my lap, so I relaxed in the sun while Brianna and P splashed, swam, and took the slides dozens of times all day. We all had a LOT of fun and came home wet, tired, and happy. Sunday evening we spent some time unloading the waterlogged clothes and towels, cleaned up a bit, and visited with our neighbors, enjoying the beautiful summer night on the back porch.

Yesterday morning Brianna and I headed out to her Monday morning horseback riding lesson where we were joined by a friend and her little girl who were previewing the lesson. Brianna had a FABulous ride. I was just so proud of her and amazed at how beautiful she looks up on horseback. After lessons we had to rush home so I could take a quick shower before heading to work. I don't think my patient's would have liked it if I came in smelling like horse dung and hay. Just a guess. I had 17 minutes to clean up, quick change, and get on the road to work. I worked a short 8 hour shift yesterday, then headed straight to a meeting of the church leadership team. I got home around 10:30... and had to spend a long time weeding through my Inbox. I finally headed to bed, just to hear the phone ring around 4:30, poor P got called out by work, and I hope he's still wide awake enough to make it through his day.

Wow... I'm tired just writing it all. And glad to have NOTHING on my calendar today. Now my To-Do list... that is another story. :)

Phew!

2009-06-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well, we just returned home from an exhausting, whirlwind trip. After 7 dental appointments, a trip to the barn, a dinner out, and a birthday celebration, we're all beat.

I'll update as soon as I can, but for now, just know I'm not abandoning blogging- just tuckered out!
:)

Not me! Tuesday?!?

2009-06-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! MckMama hosts this fabulous blog carnival every week, and to get myself posting again I thought I'd join in!

First of all, I have to say that I most certainly did not wait until Tuesday to post a Not Me! post! Never! I would never procrastinate and totally miss the point of a carnival by jumping on board way late. And even if I did, I would not wait until almost bedtime on Tuesday night to write said post!

And since we're on the topic of procrastination, I did not wait until the last minute to work on Father's Day gifts... and I did not lock myself in my closet this afternoon, reportedly "reading" while I scrambled to get it done.

I did not walk out to check on my garden in my pajamas today, and I most certainly did not run into my neighbor while wearing those pajamas.

I absolutely did not get off the treadmill and head straight for the fridge tonight, and I certainly did not sit and snack for the rest of the evening. I would never!

Well, this is a totally lame post, one which I would never publish. No! Not Me!

The first fruit...

2009-06-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well, it is official. I have now eaten something that my garden grew. Today I plucked the first, juicy, ripe tomato off of the vine and devoured it with my lunch! I am, of course, the only one in my house who eats tomatoes, so let's hope that the harvest is plenty enough to keep my voracious tomato appetite satisfied, without overwhelming me. I have 4 tomato plants total: one that will make big yellow tomatoes (the first one to bear a ripened, edible fruit), one that will make big red tomatoes, and two that will make smaller, yellow, pear-shaped fruit. I'm hoping the variety will keep me from getting overwhelmed. Here is the beauty that I ate today:

I'm pretty psyched about my garden. I have always wanted to have one, to grow things that I can actually eat and enjoy. I bought the Square Foot Gardening book many years ago, and tried a few of the ideas in it. But I thought I could still do it my own way, so that attempt really didn't go far. That was my last try for a while, until this year. I decided I was ALL in this time, and I was going to give it a go. So, I bought some wood, built raised boxes for beds, sectioned them off, and started much of my current crop from seed. I did buy the tomatoes, cukes, and peppers already established, but everything else came from seed packets. I have lettuce, spinach, carrots, radishes, marigolds, basil, beans, and sunflowers, all seemingly doing pretty well so far! I am a bit impatient (you'd have never guessed, would you?!?) so it is slow going in my mind, but I guess God knew I needed that "patience" lesson yet again when He prompted me to plant and tend this garden. Hmmm. When will I ever really get that one? :)

It has been fun for all of us to enjoy this garden. Even the kids get excited to see things growing and they thought it was amazing to watch me eat the tomato that they had just seen hanging from the vine moments before. They weren't impressed enough to actually eat some themselves... but that is another story.

In other news, I'm feeling much better today, thank you very much. It is funny how just when you think things are going along great, all of the sudden you get smacked in the face with a no-good, totally awful, exceedingly frustrating, very bad day. Well, at least I do. I don't know if it is Satan knocking at my door, or if it is my own tendency towards pessimism, or if it is just a fact of life here on earth... but I'm definitely subject to getting knocked down every once in a while. The amazing part is that God always helps me back up. He picks me up, brushes off the dirt, cleans up whatever wound I suffered, wraps me in a huge hug, and scoots me back on my way again. New every morning... His love and mercy let me start over every day, fresh and renewed.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it here, but I start my day in the closet every morning. I try to wake up before the rest of the house, I fix my morning cup of coffee (I know, gotta have a vice, and especially now that I'm not pregnant or nursing), and sneak back into my closet. That is where I sit, read my Bible, pray, and study God's word. That is my time with God, my time to recharge, my time to start off on the right foot. It isn't a habit that I developed until recently, but God knows how MUCH I have needed it for too long before I started it. And I am thankful that God has given me the discipline and commitment to do it faithfully. Mornings without my closet would just be a bad start to the day. I have a huge window in my closet, and where I sit the rising sun shines right in to greet me. I see it as it peeks through the clouds and streams through the trees. And as it brightens my little closet, it lights up my mind, chases the darkness and cobwebs of sleep away, and gives me a bright outlook on whatever the day holds. God meets me there, every morning, cheering my soul in a way only He can. Since I've started giving God the "first fruits" of my day, He has multiplied the blessings He showers me with throughout the rest of my waking hours. He truly is so good.

Well, this has turned into a bit of a rambling little post, so before I take you on another tangent, I'll just go enjoy the sun a little. I have some books that have been begging to be read, and some bills that didn't get paid yesterday when I chose sleep over productivity. Have a fruitful day!

I can't do it...

2009-06-11T11:36:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here, completely blah.
I am tired. I am frustrated. I am totally unmotivated. I have no less than a half dozen things I could or should be doing, but I can't kick myself into doing a single one of them. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to clean. I don't want to work. I don't want to balance the checkbook. I can't even bring myself to pick up the phone and call a girlfriend who I've been dying to chat with for weeks. All I really want to do is curl up on the couch and close my eyes.

I don't know why. I haven't had a particularly overwhelming week. I haven't had any excessive pressures or demands the past few days. I actually have a dinner out with old friends to look forward to tomorrow night. But, right now, right here, I'm drained. All of the sudden I'm left feeling wiped out.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity," and for me, this time, right now, is for rest. So, my dear friends: happy naptime.

I want to be her...

2009-06-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

I was reading Angie's blog today, specifically her post entitled Her, here. Now just to set the record straight, I don't want to be Angie. Let's just get that out there. But I want to be the her that she talks about in that post. I want to make that her a part of my everday life. To be "odd" as my pastor spoke about this past Sunday- to have people around me say "there's just something different about you." To be a voice of encouragement, a touch of love, a song of hope, a breath of peace to the lives that surround me every day- the hearts that I have the honor of touching as I go about my daily activities.

You see, my eyes have been opened a lot lately, to many hurts and needs all around me. I have realized that people I work with are facing struggles that I had no idea existed. Some of them the everyday battles of being a working wife and mother, some of them the temptations and demands of keeping a hectic pace, and yet others the deep, heart wrenching pain and uncertainty of life altering decisions. I have become more tuned in to the heart worries of some of my mommy-friends- feeling the weight of their struggles, the ache of their pains, and the frustrations of their battles. I have had my eyes opened to these and many more places in my daily walk where I can reach out, dig in, set an example, share a story, or offer hope. I have been faced with the realization that there are pains all around me, and that God needs hands here on this earth to work through, mouths to speak through, words to move through.

I want to be used. I want to be her as Angie said... to let God use my hands to touch someone and let them feel His healing power. I want to be a vessel for Him, a witness, an example, an encourager, a healer, a helper, a lover. I want to tell everyone around me how amazing His love is, how strong His power is, how healing His mercy is, and how perfect His will is. I want His light, His love, His heart to shine through me and touch everyone within my reach. I pray that He would take the me away, and fill me with her. Fill me with the her that He designed me to be so much that the me no longer has a place in my heart. I want to be the selfless servant that God intended for me, so that His will is best reflected in my actions and in my life. What an honor, to be the hands and feet of our precious Lord. I want to be her!

Nevermind

2009-06-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

I was just going to write this huge long story about my day yesterday. I was going to tell you all about how I got my feelings hurt and had a tough day. I was going to whine about things other people did and said, and how I let them get to me and bug me.

But I changed my mind. I have to do that sometimes. Change my mind. If I don't I will find myself wallowing in self pity or sinking into a state of maudlin mood and woe. So I changed my mind. Not only about writing out the (really insignificant) story, but about how it affected me. I will not let something so earthly and meaningless make me question myself.

So... I had a great day today! The drama at church went FANtastic (if I do say so myself- which is probably really wrong since it was a monologue. Done by me. But it did go really well!) I got to spend some time with my family while they had lunch, tuck my kids into their beds for naps, and then I spent some time visiting with some amazing women from MOPs and eating (waaay too much) yummy food. Afterwards I came home and had a spectacular time playing with my own two kids AND my two beautiful nieces! I have the pleasure of enjoying my sister's two girls while she and her husband, her in-laws, and her two sons go on a fishing trip! The kids LOVED playing with their cousins, they delighted in a bath together, and now they are all tucked in and sleeping soundly. Ahhhh...

God is so good. He reminds me day after day that His love is all that I need. His grace is enough. His delight in me sustains me, and the hurts of this world fall away.

Every day

2009-06-04T03:55:00.000-07:00

So I have really grown a lot over the past few years. The whole motherhood thing has shaken up my life and rearranged my perspective. God has used it, and many other things in my life, to help me really see some truths that I had been ignoring for so long. I have healed, I have grown, I have learned, I have cried, I have rejoiced. And it is barely getting started. I know so well now that God is molding and shaping me every day into what He wants in me. And some of the lessons are hard, some are recurrent, some are painful, but some are beautiful. Like this one.

You see, I've always known that when things got rough I should get on my knees. It is easy to need God and reach out to Him in the trials and the heartaches of life. That part I got many years ago. But what God had to reveal to me in a joyful little "ah-ha!" recently was that I need Him every day! And not only do I need Him, but He is right there with me, an ever present friend, all day, every day. Now don't get me wrong. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and knew all along that He was living in me. I kinda got that whole thing. But I never got the closeness, the comraderie, the every day deep seated very real need to have an intimacy and dialogue with Him every step of the way.

Maybe I'm not really doing this justice because it seemed so clear and so exciting when God revealed it to me, but as I type it just seems like 'duh!' But it is amazing to me to live my every day knowing that God loves me, that He is watching my every move, that I can turn to Him with a whisper or a shout, a song or a cry, and that He is right there ready to pick me up and dance me around the room. Isn't that amazing?! This big, awesome God doesn't wait until we're in crisis to check on us. He doesn't get too busy with other things to look down on us. He takes time to enjoy our happy days as well as our sad ones, our busy days and our lazy days, our ups and our downs. He's right there. He wants to be my best friend, and yours.

I need Him, every day, every step, every moment, every milestone. And He meets me right where I am. How awesome is that?!

Not Me! Monday!

2009-06-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! MckMama has this fabulous habit of making me feel more human. So for the first time, I decided to join in the Not Me! Monday! carnival.

First of all, I do not ever have anything to say in this type of carnival. I would never be anything less than a perfect, flawless creature.

So you would completely understand that I definitely did not tell my son yesterday to wait until I had the flour mixed in before licking the cookie dough straight from the bowl. I would not allow him to stick his fingers in there, flour or no flour! And this morning when we arrived at the barn I did not allow my 3 year old to use the port-a-john because I did not forget to make her pee before we left our own home, a mere 10 minutes away. Furthermore I would have never had to go so bad that I couldn’t wait for her to finish, and I did not drop trou and squat over the urinal part of said port-a-john to relieve myself because I would never forget to go at home myself! And since we’re on the topic of her riding lessons, I did not, by any means, compare the “safety knot” used to tie the horse in her stall to the “quick release knot” I had tied two days before to restrain a ventilated patient’s hands. Never! Not me!

After riding lessons I certainly did not allow my kids to have a race down the aisle of the grocery store while using boxes of pasta as maracas. And it certainly was not me who stood in the doorway of the grocery store bathroom with my cart while I did not allow my three year old to use a stall without help or supervision. No way, not me!

I do not think I will start keeping a list of my favorite stories because I have not said out loud, “this belongs on Not Me! Monday” during the week. I would never have stories that would be at all interesting for that sort of thing!

The name says it all.

2009-06-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

Well, God is good. And his mercies truly are new every morning. Just ask Caleb, who is back to his charming, sweet self today. :)

We've had a pretty fantastic day so far. The weather is beautiful, the kids have been happy, and I'm feeling pretty good overall. I am quite over my own lack of motivation for all things remotely resembling exercise, so pray that I get past this slump. I would SO much rather sit out on my patio in the sun with a great book than go sweat on the treadmill. I have about 4 or 5 books that I am currently reading, and I would so much rather spend time on one of them instead of working out. But... as I looked through pictures of Brianna's horseback riding lessons that were taken this morning, I couldn't help but notice how my own rump is rivaling that of the pony she rides. Ewww. I suppose the treadmill will somehow have to fit into my afternoon nap-time activities. Maybe right between mopping the kitchen and paying the bills. I guess time in the sun will have to come once the kids are awake (which means no relaxing and no reading, but hey, they're more fun anyway!)

My gardens are coming along nicely. Today I noticed that I officially have 4 tomatoes so far. Two are pretty big and will be ripening soon, one is about the size of a ping pong ball, and the other is marble sized. And there are multiple other flowering fruit-bearing shoots that will hopefully start producing soon too! How exciting. I harvested my first crop of radishes this weekend- the ones that grew on the front porch. It was a pretty pitiful grouping, only 3 worth eating out of a handful of plants. But I actually ate something I grew from seed! And Brianna just finished off the last of her cherries from her tree- she got a whole THREE this year! The garlic has sent up central shoots, so it will soon be time for me to read up on harvesting and drying that. I'm praying for a nice harvest of garlic, I'd like to replant some and still have plenty to cook with this summer.

Well, I suppose that is enough random musings for the day. I am off to start one of the naptime chores. Hmmmm, where to begin. Happy afternoon!

Talk to me!

2009-05-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

My poor Caleb had a really rough day today. I am not sure why, if he were a few years younger I'd swear he was teething. Maybe the pollen has his ears draining or his sinuses aching. I never did figure out why, but he was grouchy, moody, and angry a lot of the day today. I went in to get him up this morning and he greeted me with "I'm not READY to get up yet!" This is after he's been awake for a good 15 minutes, at least. So I cheerfully give him a good morning kiss and tell him that he's welcome to join the rest of us when he's ready to start his day. After tinkering around a bit upstairs, getting the kids' outfits for the day picked out, putting away the pile of laundry that my amazing husband washed the day before (thanks sweetie!), and getting Brianna ready to head downstairs, Caleb was still sitting in his bed. In the dark. In silence. Odd, coming from my little Mr. Smiley who usually enthusiastically greets his sister with, "Mornin' Belle!" as he runs out of his room every day.

So, I gently nudged him out of his bed and enticed him to join us downstairs for some breakfast. I think it was the promise of pancakes that helped, but that is beside the point. We had a decent breakfast hour, all things considered. He actually ate all of his pancakes, wolfed down his strawberries, then asked for bacon. After 5 minutes of debating with him about the fact that we were, regrettably, OUT of bacon, he insisted on checking for himself. At which point I said "Go ahead, check!" He popped over to the fridge, opened the drawer, found no bacon (shocker!), then quickly decided to have turkey pepperoni for breakfast. Ewww. But oh well, protein is good in the morning, right? After breakfast we were all getting dressed, shod, and combed for church when Caleb decided that it just wasn't for him. He wanted nothing to do with putting his clothes on, so he stripped off his pajamas and ran away from me. Repeatedly. The first time I made a joke of it, you know, a little game, thinking maybe he just wanted to play. He didn't. He really didn't want his clothes on- which is unusual since we have never been the "bare bottom" type of household. I think he was just too interested in his remote controlled digging truck. But I digress... so I chased him down and began to show him just how NOT joking I had become. He slithered away one too many times and after a stern warning he was taken straight to time out. As I was telling him "You are in time out for..." he reared back and slapped my face. Oh. My. Stars. Ummm, this is NOT okay, and this is very NOT normal for him. I was FUMING. So I said "You will get an extra punishment for that when your time out is over." And I went to the garage to quickly figure out what that extra punishment would be. After I put out the flames in my ears.

And that was just before church. During Sunday School he refused to do the craft. After church he hid between the door and the wall, just watching through the crack and not socializing like he normally does. After lunch he threw a HUGE tantrum resisting his nap. Thankfully he slept fabulously for over 2.5 hours at nap time, and I was SO hopeful that his evening would turn around and be SO much better than his morning had been. Oh, but was I wrong. Once again I cheerfully greeted him once I heard evidence on his monitor that he was awake. Once again he firmly planted his bottom on his pillow and refused to leave his bed. I tried to cheer him up, entice him out, but to no avail. He wanted to "stay in bed still sleeping" at all costs. Eventually I got busy making dinner and Brianna went outside to help Daddy wash the car, and at some point Caleb heard that there *might* be motorcycles at the neighbor's house. Which FINALLY got him out of his room. But once outside he must have put in ear plugs because there was nothing telling me he could hear a thing I said to him. And even better, at dinner time Caleb decided he didn't want to eat, he was ready for bath. So he refused to come to the table. Now, I really don't have a problem with my kids going to bed hungry if they refuse to eat the food I put in front of them. But I do feel strongly about the fact that we sit down together as a family around the dinner table. So yet another struggle ensued, landing Caleb back in time out. After his time was served and his apologies offered I buckled him into his booster back at the table. At which point he smacked his plate, sending it into his sister's lap and launching his dinner across the room. Yes, he went back to time out, this time bawling. I was pulling out my hair (figuratively of course) at this point, so frustrated and confused. What is going on with him!?!? I wondered. Why has he been so angry and disobedient and contradictory today? I just couldn't figure it out. Something had his mood soured and I didn't know what it was. I was frustrated. I was worn out from the constant disciplining. I was saddened to see him acting this way. I was hurting for him, feeling his frustration and displeasure, but truly unable to figure out why he felt this way. I was questioning my parenting, searching for where I went wrong.

You know, in retrospect, today's outbursts may have been largely about control. He is two. He wants it. I am his mom. I have it. He is trying to wrestle it away. I will not give in. Sure, I give him reasonable choices and allow him some levels of independence. But at the core of it, his Daddy and I are the authority. Or maybe that wasn't it at all. At one point during dinner- in between his many trips to time out- I bluntly asked him, "Caleb, what is wrong, buddy? Why are you having such a rough day?" He wouldn't answer. All he would say was, "No me want to talk about it." And most of the time he'd just ignore me and whine or moan. Now, rationally, I know that I was unlikely to get an emotionally mature response from a frustrated 2 year old. But my instinct was to beg him to talk to me. To implore him to open up, tell me what was wrong so I could help him fix it. He had no way to understand that I could probably fix whatever was irritating him with something completely simple. If he was hurting, I could medicate him. If he needed snuggles, I could curl him up on my lap. If he was hot, I could turn the air on. If he was tired, I could offer him rest. If only he'd tell me what was wrong... if only he'd talk to me!

As I was cuddling him this evening and reading him a book before bed (our night DID finally end on a happy, snuggly, loving note), I got the message loud and clear. And it has been refined and enhanced to me as I take the time to write. God whispered in my ear... sweetheart... talk to me! You see, prayer has never been my strongest gift. I admit, I have struggled with it and need to constantly work on it. But the times that I have deepened my prayer life have been the times I was closest to my Lord... and the times I was at most peace in my heart. Lately I've been letting life get by me. I've kept up with my Bible reading and with my devotionals. But my prayer time has been slacking. At the same time I've been overwhelmed with commitments, expectations, deadlines, and emotional drains. I've gotten into a rut of just "surviving" instead of truly living. And I presume that my mood hasn't exactly been all roses and sunshine. But those of you who have noticed don't have to confirm that too emphatically, please. I can imagine God, looking down at me. First saying "sweetheart... I am your Father. I will always have control." Oh, isn't that a lesson I've had to learn about 15 million times. And then when I get increasingly frustrated, when I start losing it and acting ridiculously like a 2 year old, I can just hear God whispering, "talk to me. Tell me what you need. Ask for my help. I can heal you. I can calm you. I can strengthen you. I can carry you. Just talk to me." Wow. How amazing. My problems are nothing for Him. He can make them disappear with a wave of His hand. And He can carry me through anything He chooses to let me endure. And if I just lean on Him, reach for His hand, I don't have to feel out of control. For His control is far more perfect than mine could ever be.

Broken Pieces, yet again

2009-05-30T06:56:00.001-07:00

This is one of my earliest and favorite blog posts. It resurfaces so many times, and has again come to the forefront of my conscience. Usually when that happens, someone needs to hear it's message, occasionally that someone is me. So, enjoy!

I’ve been working on this table for my son, cutting, building, and finally placing a tile mosaic on top. It really has been a fun and rewarding experience, making something special for C. I started with a square, boring piece of wood, a length of trim, some (also square and boring) blue and white tiles, and lots of love. I measured, calculated, cut, stained, smashed, arranged, and affixed these things together and the end result promises to be beautiful.

I think it is like that with our lives, with God as the craftsman. He shapes us, cutting off pieces to create a more interesting and pleasing form, sands us to smooth our edges and make us less rough. He cuts and rearranges things, never leaving them the way we thought they should go, but fitting them together perfectly to fill the purpose he had for them. Just as I applied stain to the wood, our lives are stained with experiences and interactions.

It is a big change, a tough cut, a blemish at first, but what emerges in the end is a more beautiful and pleasing color, a deeper finish that proudly displays our grain, a smooth edge to greet the world with, a complete rim to hold our life together. Then, just when we think we’re looking pretty good, God shows us that He isn’t finished yet. Like my table- once I had the trim on and the legs finished, the stain done and the poly on, it was a functional table. It was more beautiful, it had purpose, it was equipped to do the job it was made for. But I wasn’t finished yet- for I had a more beautiful product in mind. I envisioned a more full potential, not just function, but beauty. And just as I took simple (but functional) square tiles and smashed them into pieces, we sometimes have to face things in our lives that feel like we’re being broken apart. For in the breaking, the beginnings of our future emerge. In enduring the shattered moments we begin to become what we are made for.

As I put the broken tiles together my vision began to emerge- a sailboat appeared, and it was more beautiful than even I imagined that I could make (this is my first mosaic- so my expectations weren’t too high of course). If we give God the broken pieces, if we continue to submit to His will, he will make something beautiful out of them- something far more beautiful that we could have even imagined. But even then the work isn’t done. For next I had to cover the sailboat in grout, smearing the tile with sticky, thick, mud-like grout. It looked awful for a while, messy and rough, but the grout filled the spaces between the pieces, set them together and bonded them to each other, provided a cohesion between them so that they would be more permanently fixed in their beautiful form.

Now I have to go clean the tiles, sponging them off and polishing them each so that their shiny surface can shine through and the beautiful sailboat will be visible once again. God keeps working on us, polishing the tiles of our lives, filling the cracks in our form, perfecting the image He has of us. And He has promised that He will bring the work He began in us to completion. I am sure that the wood I bought, the tiles I picked, the nails I chose didn’t expect to be cut, stained, smashed, or smeared. Had they known they would have probably fought me, begged to be left alone and “complete” as they thought they were. But because they were yielded to my hand, cut and refit, broken and rearranged, they are now something beautiful, something that I love and adore.

As I look at this table in the years ahead I will be filled with love for my son, I will remember the effort, and the thought, and the work that I put into it for him, and I hope that he enjoys the beauty of it. But I will also remember how much I am like that table with God as my craftsman. I will remember how broken I have felt and how shattered my heart has been, and I will praise God for the image He has for my future. It will be a reminder to continually yield to Him, for the end result promises to be more wonderful than I can even imagine.

Have we met?

2009-05-28T11:14:00.001-07:00

So, my daughter is dreadfully shy. If you know me IRL you may here me calling her my "brave girl," mostly because I do believe that kids will live up to what you expect of them. The more I apologized for her in public, telling people "she's just so shy," the more she seemed to stuff her head in my thigh and refuse to speak when spoken to. So I have started calling her my brave girl, hoping it will build her confidence and help her learn that she doesn't have to shy away from every new person she encounters. We'll see if it helps...

Meanwhile my eyes have been opened (thanks God) to my own way of greeting people, especially those I don't know. It came from many angles, from MOPs, from church Leadership Team, from work... you know how it is, God realizes he isn't getting your attention with a subtle clue and so He hits you from every major area in your life. :) So anyway, I realized that I tend to gravitate towards those I know well, look for familiar faces when I enter a room, and head towards and chat with those I am most comfortable with. Sure, it seems natural enough, and even sounds okay. But I realized that it isn't okay. First of all, I am supposed to be a leader in all of those areas. Which means that I am responsible for making people who don't know anyone (or even who don't know many people) feel welcomed and comfortable. How am I welcoming people if I'm only talking to the people I know best? Chances are if I know them well, then they probably know several, if not many, other people well too. I shouldn't be out to satisfy my own comfort or search for my own "safe zone." I should be reaching out to people I don't know, getting to know their stories, making them feel welcomed and comfortable. I should be making new connections and facilitating connections between people that wouldn't have otherwise have been discovered.

And beyond my responsibility to offer hospitality on behalf of the organization that I am representing, I need to SHOW my daughter what it means to be welcoming. I need to model friendliness and confident cordiality. If she sees me making a beeline to the people I always talk to, shying away from new faces, walking by those I've not met, how will she ever know how to graciously greet an unfamiliar face? How will she know how to introduce herself to someone new? How will she see Jesus's penchant for welcoming the unnoticed and including the overlooked modeled in my behavior? Because when it comes down to it, that is what I want, right? I want my children to see Jesus through me. I want them to learn to be like Him in all that they do. And I want the rest of the world to see Him too.

So. If I've never formally greeted you I apologize. I'm sorry, have we met? I'm Rachel. It is so nice to see you here!

I'm different

2009-05-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

So I was in the drama today at church. Sometimes in our worship we incorporate non-traditional elements into our services: the pastor will show a video, we'll have a drama, or something like that. Anyway, about 4 years ago we used to have drama pretty regularly, nearly every week for a while there. I was very active in the ministry, researching scripts to match the message, helping cast roles, and make props, and acting in many of the scenes. I even coordinated the drama team for a while, just before Caleb was born and I had to step down and focus on having two babies for a while. Over the past few months we've been using drama again and it is becoming more regular. So this week I was asked to act in the drama that was chosen for today's service. It went very well, neither Julia nor I forgot our lines, the timing went great, and I think the message got across the way it should have.

But I realized something huge today as I was waiting backstage, singing along with the praise music, waiting for my time to go onstage. I am not who I was. I am very different than I was back when I was last active in the drama ministry. In a lot of ways, actually. It was harder for me to memorize my lines, for one. And I couldn't just run up to church for a rehearsal anytime I wanted either- now I had to work around naps, bedtimes, and child care timing. But more importantly, I really wasn't thinking about me. I didn't care who was looking at me. I didn't worry whether or not people would think I did a good job. I wasn't stressed or panicked about how I would be seen by everyone watching. You see, a few years ago I would have been engrossed in my lines just minutes before the scene started, worried about looking silly if I forgot a line, but knowing them SO totally well that there was no chance I'd bobble one. I would have been primping, rehearsing in my head, and worrying about "getting it perfect." Well today I was just lost in the music, praising my God. I was standing there- well- dancing there, backstage, eyes closed, face upturned, in the pitch black darkness, singing to my King. Not stressed, not worried, not even thinking about going out there just moments away. Don't get me wrong, I read over my lines once backstage. And I didn't want to mess up - because I wanted people to actually hear the message and get the picture firmly in their heads. But I wasn't at all stressed about how *I* would look. I didn't care about what people would think of *me* today. It suddenly hit me just how much I've grown these past few years.

I thought becoming a Mom would be about raising a kid. Molding, shaping, teaching, loving another little life, directing them in the way they should go. And it is... but I had no idea how much different it would make me. I had no idea how much peace I would find in living outside of me. How quickly and smoothly God would shift my focus outside of myself. And how refreshing and fulfilling it would be to feel this way. See, all those years I was trying to find fulfillment by looking for personal approval or earthly affirmation or human accolades. Little did I know that true fulfillment comes from a far different place. I'm much more fulfilled now that I'm not searching to be fulfilled. And I can't wait for everything else God has to teach me.

I love being different.

I like it better here!

2009-05-23T04:47:00.001-07:00

So yesterday morning I took on the kids in a game of Candy Land, followed by a round of Chutes and Ladders. I have to say that I LOVED playing games with my kids! They are just barely old enough to get the concept and really enjoy it, and I was just in heaven. I look forward to many hours of playing board games, card games, and word games with them. But I digress, so back to the story. So we were just a few moves into the first game of Candy Land. Caleb draws the coveted lollipop card- the one that allowed him to jump past 3/4 of the board and go straight to the "yoyeee pwincess!!!" that is just one turn away from the finish. He was THRILLED, and he just adored putting his playing piece next to that Princess of All Things Sugar. Brianna and I chugged along on the board, one little turn at a time, and every time it got to Caleb's turn he'd draw a card as he was supposed to, but then he'd leave his playing piece right where it was. "No me want to move two blue, me want to stay on pwincess!" So I let him. Turn after turn his little blue piece sat still, right there, always with great opportunities to sail ahead and win before we were halfway through the board. But he wasn't interested. He was in a "happy place" a "comfort zone" and he wasn't budging. Just think- he missed the opportunity to win the prize because he refused to move.

Don't we get that way in life sometimes? I sure know I do. Find a comfort zone and refuse to budge. Sit in a happy place and resist moving from my haunches. God gives me chance after chance to move forward, to reach for his prize, but "No me want to!" If we don't let God grow us, stretch us, and lead us then just imagine the chances we may miss. So I am going to remember the "yoyeee pwincess" when I feel hesitant to take a big move or make steps forward. I'm going to remember Caleb and how comfortable it was there for him, but how many opportunities he missed and how, ultimately, Brianna overtook him and won instead of him (not that he really cared!) But I don't want to ever miss God's prize for me because I refused to leave my comfort zone. Do you?

Faster than the speed of time

2009-05-22T03:47:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a wonderful day. My little girl, my firstborn, my baby princess finished her first year of preschool. She and the dozen or so other kids got up and sang songs like My God is So Big and Be Careful Little Eyes What You See. She was SO brave, standing up there the entire time, grinning at me - when she wasn't looking around wide eyed at all of the audience, and singing every word to every one of the songs. I couldn't have been more proud.

She has grown up SO much this year, and I am just more in love with her every day. She started school very shy, very attached to me, and very unsure about making friends. She had fine, wispy hair, a baby face, and short toddler legs. Well, you don't have to take my word for it, just look:

That picture was taken just before we left for her first day of preschool. Well, an entire school year has FLOWN by, and she is turning into quite the little girl. (Sorry, can't bring myself to call her a young lady quite yet.) Those toddler legs have stretched out, her hair has filled in, her face has matured, and she is becoming more gorgeous every day. She still loves her mama and prefers staying home to going anywhere, but she is not nearly as shy and has several friends she wants to invite over this summer. One little girl even came up to her yesterday and said "by Brianna, I love you!" And this is a little girl I was worried was picking on her until I got the real scoop from the teacher. Funny how a 3 year-old's stories can sound so different than reality! So here is my love now, just before her last day of her first year of preschool:

Gosh, I just love that little princess!
And don't worry. I have plenty of bragging to do on Caleb, and on my hubby. So stay tuned! :)

Have you ever...

2009-05-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever mowed a 3/4 acre yard riding a Craftsman mower with a 2 year old on your R leg and a 3 year old on your L leg? Try steering with your arms wrapped around two toddlers, and keeping the lines straight when your visual field is blocked by said toddlers' heads!

It is truly a blast!

Look how BIG you're getting!

2009-05-20T11:40:00.001-07:00

I have found myself saying this a lot lately. It seems that time flies by, and all of the sudden my two babies are both looking like preschoolers! Even my Caleb is stretching out and looking leaner, taller, and more like a boy than a baby. What happened!?!

So I was thinking about growing up. How fast it goes. How when it is happening you always want to hit that next stage so fast, reach that next milestone or earn that next privilege so quickly even though it seems like FOREVER while you're waiting. And how now, I wish time would slow down. Now that I'm grown up I want to hold the hands on the clock so that my babies stay small and I get to enjoy these stages before they're gone. I started asking God why He let us grow up so fast, when I used to beg Him to let me be more grown up.

But a message came through. We're not done yet. Not me. Not you. Not your grandma. Trust me, nobody is finished. See, in God we can keep growing as long as we are willing. Think about God's creations, are there many things you can think of that stop growing altogether? Plants send out new sprouts, trees bud new leaves, even we animals grow new hair and fingernails and sometimes 'padding and insulation' if we indulge our appetites! :) But beyond the physical aspects of growth, God will stretch us, grow us, mold us as long as we let Him. We become reborn "babies" of the faith when we accept Christ as our savior. If we study His word and draw near to Him we will grow into more mature christians, learning to defeat the lusts and temptations of the world and overcome Satan's grip on our lives. And even then we can continue to grow, to mature in our faith until we become fathers (or mothers) in the faith, truly knowing our God so closely, so intimately, that we feel like we've never known life without Him. And you don't have to believe me, you can look at 1 John 2: 12-14 if you want proof. ;)

So, today I marvel at how big my kids are getting. I reminisce about how quickly these years have gone. I mourn the passing of their infancy and pray for the ability to cherish every moment of every day as they grow. But I also praise God that He delights in growing me up. That He never lets me get too big to stretch, too shiny to polish, or too smart to learn. And mostly, I praise Him for walking beside me and picking me up every time I fall.

Who am I?

2009-05-19T11:04:00.001-07:00

Who am I?
I am just me. Just Rachel. On my own: never enough, but with God: more than sufficient.

I am a child of God. Not perfect, just forgiven. Not "fixed," but an ever continuing work in progress. I am loved by my heavenly father, not by any accomplishment of my own, but by His unfailing grace and mercy. I am a sinner who stumbles, messes up, and backslides more than I care to admit. But I am washed clean every day, refreshed and renewed at every whisper of His name. I am saved from the depths of despair and set firmly on a rock. The wind blows hard up on this rock, but the strength of my redeemer holds me strong. I lean on Him and I am not moved. I am beautiful in His eyes, strong in His power, and alive forever because of His Son.

I am a wife. I am blessed to share my life with P, an amazing husband and father and friend. I am learning every day to be a better wife, but luckily he's not giving up on me yet. We've been through many ups, downs, and ruts together, and God is constantly working and molding us into the team He designed us to be. This year we will celebrate 10 years of marriage together, and that is just the beginning of our story.

I am a mother. After an unexpected struggle and a lot of lessons about patience, timing, and who is really in control (and He still has to teach me this one over and over sometimes...), I was blessed to spend nearly 4 years of my life either pregnant, nursing, or both. Our precious Brianna entered our lives in July 2005, and her brother Caleb couldn't wait long and made his arrival in August 2006. These two loves fill my days with laughter, joy, frustration, lessons (for me as much as for them!), excitement, worry, passion, fear, and more smiles than I can even count. I am honored to be called their Mom, and I am constantly praying that God will protect them, bless them, and draw them close to Him even when I foul up.

I am a photographer. Well, I like to think of myself as one anyway. I mean "photographer" is defined as: a person who takes a photograph using a camera. I do that. I have never claimed to be a professional photographer- that has an altogether different definition! But I love to capture life with my camera. Life. Through the lens. I think my pictures help me feel, help me better define the moments I have lived by capturing and rekindling the emotion present the moment the shutter released. My camera has helped me adjust my focus more than once, to see life more clearly and to appreciate it more fully.

I am a nurse. I have spent the past 17 years of my life in the profession of Emergency Medicine, from one vantage point or another. I started in the back of an ambulance, spent some time on fire trucks, worked as an ER tech, and then settled in as an ER nurse. I love my job a little bit more than I hate it. I love the ways I get to touch lives. I love making a difference, meeting someone in one of their darkest or scariest moments and having the chance to bring them light. I hate how easy it is to let it harden my heart, how easy it is to let the pain haunt me, how easy it can be to forget the moments of light and lose them in the mundane and frustrating.

I am a teacher. I have always enjoyed showing, teaching, helping. I teach a few professional courses, and have taught others through the years. But now I mostly love teaching my kids. I love using big words and helping them learn all about them. I love showing them how to do things and watching them master a new skill or soar past a milestone. I love watching their little minds blossom and explode with new understanding, new connections, and new confidence.

I am a friend. To the many women: sisters, aunts, cousins, coworkers, colleagues, and commiserators who are gracious enough to claim me. I know that each of them has blessed me more than I could ever hope to repay, and I count myself blessed to have them in my lives.

I am a child of God. And that is what makes it all worthwhile. That is what keeps me going. That is what makes every morning a gift, and every evening worth celebrating. Because for all of the surprises that life can bring- the frustrations, the mistakes, the challenges, the struggles- I can always rest in the certainty that is my salvation. God's grace and mercy is new every morning, and it is enough for me.

New Every Morning

A year

No matter what...

Take two

He loves me outrageously

Dreams

Right?

Fly a kite...

To Quiet my Quiet...

Memories

Vulnerable

More about me...

I need my friends.

Getting over myself...

One life, that's all I am...

He is SO good!

You look great!

Blessings

Song

Messages

Timing

The Appointment

Firsts...

Weary

Today...

Insecurity

Winter Wonderland

Letting go... and holding on

Wow!

Oh how He loves us...

Giving Thanks

Focus

Grief

Faith

Tuesdays Unwrapped

Avoidance

How deep is your hue?

Friendship

Independence

Yet again...

Wow!

The Umbrella

Letting go

The Potter

Temper tantrums

Perspective

Busy...

Everyday Rewards

"Definining" moments... and healing

Another whirlwind week!

Not ME! Monday!

And on, and on, and on...

So suddenly...

Just a Mom! *warning* some gross content ahead!

Whirlwind

What do they see?

Miserable

Little mirrors

My Whirlwind...

Phew!

Not me! Tuesday?!?

The first fruit...

I can't do it...

I want to be her...

Nevermind

Every day

Not Me! Monday!

The name says it all.

Talk to me!

Broken Pieces, yet again

Have we met?

I'm different

I like it better here!

Faster than the speed of time

Have you ever...

Look how BIG you're getting!

Who am I?

Just a Mom! warning some gross content ahead!