Lessons from Philippians 4

So I have been thinking a lot lately about my "favorite verses." There are so many snippets of scripture that speak to me, in different ways through different seasons of my life. I have struggled to narrow down a list of favorites. But I'm trying to find my top choices. To focus on them as sources of encouragement I can scatter around my physical world to remind me how great my God is and to help me stay focused on Him every day. I'm highly distractable, I need reminders. I admit it. Anyway... God showed me today the beauty of an entire chapter. I'm in love with Philippians 4. It has become my first favorite chapter of the Bible. I'm tempted to start memorizing it. But I'll probably forget to start and then get mad at myself for not following through. Its what I do. But I did feel compelled to highlight the amazing messages scattered through these 23 verses, so here's my list:

-agree with each other in the Lord

-help these women

-Rejoice in the Lord always, again Rejoice!

-let your gentleness be evident to all

-The Lord is near

-Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God

-The peace of god, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds

-Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things

-What you see and receive and learn from mentors, put it into practice

-the God of peace will be with your

-Learn to be content whatever the circumstances

-know what it is to be in need and know what it is to have plenty, learn the secret of eing content in any and every situation- well fed or hungry, living in plenty or in want

-I can do everything through him who gives me strength

-Share in one another's troubles

-Send aid to those in need

-God will meet all of your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus

-Greet others in Christ

-The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ will be with your spirit.

What amazing messages. What a chapter rich with messages, lessons, and reminders for my soul. Philippians 4... full of life for my aching soul, full of hope for my empty heart, full of reminders for my lost mind. Thank you God for opening my eyes to this treasure.

A year

Wow, a full year has gone by since I wrote here. It's crazy how time flies, yet seems to stand still. So much has happened since my last post, so many changes and emotions, and struggles this past year. And I'm still facing a mountain. Some days I'm sick of climbing. Some days I'm scared to fall right back to the bottom where I started. Some days I just want to scramble as fast and hard as I can and get to the top. Today, I just want to learn to appreciate the view. I want to stop waiting for the peak to look around, but to start seeing the beauty that is revealed to me every day, every step of the way. I want to feel myself growing stronger during the journey, to appreciate the way this has stretched and strengthened and empowered me. I want to love the breeze across my face, the sun on my skin, and the cool rock under my hands. I've never understood people who climb and say "just don't look down." Because for me, looking down is half the fun. Seeing where I've been, what I've already done, how much I've accomplished gives me the strength and the courage to keep going. For me it's often easier to look down, than it is to look up.

So I feel a bit crazy. Like I'm riding this out of control roller coaster, cresting these hills only to plummet once again. Hoping for the safety of the turnstiles while still thrilled by the excitement of the ride (well, excitement coupled with sheer terror, if that makes any sense at all). I'm holding on, white knuckled, eyes wide in anticipation, fear, excitement, adrenaline. As I think through the experience of riding a coaster and how it seems to correlate with my life, I come to some interesting realizations.

First and foremost, I want my life to be more progressive than a coaster. Not that zipping along at high speeds isn't "moving." It certainly is movement at it's most exhilarating. But movement doesn't always imply progress, unfortunately. If you think about it, you can really enjoy a coaster. You can enjoy it over and over. But it will never change. The track takes you back to the same station every time. You crest the same hills, fly over the same track. Over and over you will circle, never really going anywhere. Even the most exciting coaster would start to get old, boring, complacent even after a couple dozen loops, don't you think? I don't want infinite circles of the same track for my life. I want to go somewhere. Mentally, physically, spiritually... I want to be transformed continually, becoming more and more like what God wants me to be every day. Sure, I am who I am, and there is such JOY in being me (when I remember to BE... see yesterday's post). And there are things about me - talents, gifts, habits, hurts, characteristics that God molded into me that will always be a part of the very fiber of my being. But I am so imperfect, and God knows it. He told me that He'd be spending a lifetime working on me, if only I'd let Him- and that He would carry on that work until the day of completion in Christ. So I don't want to be stuck in an endless loop. I want to be learning, growing, stretching, morphing into His plan for my life.

The second lesson (and this one slapped me across the face... and trust me, it hurt- but aren't those the best kind?) that God placed on my heart was about trust. When that roller coaster gets terrifying (in a thrilling way... sick, huh), I never question whether or not I'll make it back to the station. I never try to steer the car in another direction, or find a way to apply brakes to the train. Sure, I may hold on for dear life. I may scream a little or even give the restraint a quick tug-check. But I just believe in the safety of the design. I trust that the car will stay on track, that I will stay in my seat, that the brakes will work when they are supposed to, and that the forces at work will all come together to make for a thrilling but safe ride. So why is it so hard for me to trust God with the same child-like faith? Why do I try to manipulate my position to find a place that feels "safer" to me? Why do I try to slam on brakes that don't exist or that I have no control over? Why do I look all around me for reassurances that the track will still be there and my car will stay on it? Why can't I just sit tight, hold on to Him for dear life, and enjoy the thrill and terror and exhiliration and blessing of life here on earth. When I'm riding that roller coaster, I just know that I am safe. My mind doesn't question it. And when I'm sitting in my closet at 6:30am every day with my coffee and my Bible I know I am safe. It is the safest, most peaceful, most fulfilling, most essential part of my day. If only I could carry that same faith and peace and trust with me in all hours of my life. I wouldn't have to look anywhere else for safety or fulfillment or affirmation... because there is only one place where I am safe. One place to be fulfilled. One power that can affirm me. And He's with me all the time.

So as I do this thing we call life, my prayer is that I learn to live my life like a roller coaster... with unquestioning faith and trust. But that I never let myself live like a roller coaster... repeating the same mistakes and habits or becoming complacent in my walk. And hopefully I'll learn to enjoy the terrifying thrills with sheer abandon, while always seeking the next coaster along the way.

No matter what...

God has a funny way of keeping me straight. And I have a bad habit of needing to be taught the same thing over and over...

So lately I've had a lot going on. Needless to say anyone would agree that I've had good right to be overwhelmed, anxious, moody. But several things have really come together for me recently and my perspective has opened up so beautifully. You see, I'm finally realizing that worrying about something, being anxious or overwhelmed is just a futile attempt to wrestle control of my circumstances from God. Who am I to think that any worry I have will change a minute of my future. God has it all mapped out already. Sure, it may be tough. Of course there will be hard times, painful times, frustrating times. But God planned those too. And He will not move through them. He will be right by my side, walking with me, carrying me through each of those moments- if only I will wrap my arms around his neck and hold on tight.

You see, I have allowed myself to over analyze, to evaluate and plan, to estimate and manipulate as much as I possibly could to try to make things easier. Or to try to figure out what is coming next, or where I will end up next year. I have worried, and stressed, and complained, and cried over things that I had no control over and no influence on... and not one ounce of my effort made any difference in the outcome. I've prayed and cried and pleaded my case before God, begging Him to take away my pain, or to at least give me a glimpse of hope for what lies ahead beyond it. And sure, He could take it all away in a blink. He could spare me the tough times and get rid of my challenges. But I would miss the lessons learned in living through the struggles. I'd miss an opportunity to grow closer to Him as I learn to trust in His provision and keep my faith in His providence. I would never be able to say "I know" because I really wouldn't. So I rejoice in the plans He has for me.

And I am me. I am who He made me. I am everything He planned for me to be... and there is great JOY in that. I bake cookies and feed my kids the cookie dough. I sing songs at the top of my lungs and giggle with my kids as we dance around the kitchen with cleaning supplies. I take pictures all the time with any quality, size, or output camera I can get my hands on. I snuggle with all that I have and I breathe deeply when I'm holding someone I love, trying to let their scent permeate my soul, leaving an imprint of my love for them deep in my senses. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the busy, or the worry, or the trying... that I forget to just BE. I forget the things that make me ME... the little things that make up my every day.

So I'm remembering to trust in Him. To know He's got it. To believe and trust and love Him no matter what. And to always BE the me He made me... for there is joy in me.

Take two

So I've been learning a lot lately about how things don't always go as I had planned them. Someone told me once that every time you make a 5-year plan God throws you a curve ball. I am learning more and more how true this is. I'm learning that walking by faith means trusting that God has so much more for me than a 5-year plan. That He has a future for me where I live a life of fullness. Living each day trying to control or manipulate or figure out my own life is pointless, frustrating, detrimental even. But looking moment by moment to Him and living in His plans will bring me freedom from being responsible for my own tomorrows, and confident that my life will be all He designed it to be.

But this lesson isn't easy. I have made many plans for my life through the years. I've lived with expectations, with goals, with dreams of what I thought life should look like. And times have come and gone where I felt like I've failed in some goal, or fallen short in my accomplishments, or missed out on something I expected to come. Often this makes me try harder, fight tougher, manipulate and control things to try to stuff my current situation into the framework of my own flawed ideas for how things should be. You see, I read recently that God is most powerfully present even when he seems most apparently absent. So instead perhaps I should have been accepting this deviation from my own plan as God's message that it is not my plans, but His that will guide my life. He told me that He has plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a future. So why should I try to force my life to fit some picture my small, earthly brain envisioned?

But it can be heartbreaking to let go of a dream, frustrating to fall short of a goal, disappointing to experience an unmet expectation. Sometimes our ideas of life seem so good, so happy, so perfect, that we want to believe they came straight from Him. We want to see them come to fruition, to let them play out the way we imagine them to. And when we get the message, no matter how clear, that this isn't exactly how God planned it, we can have trouble letting go of what we believed was our destiny. We can let our circumstances cause us to question God... "why CAN'T I have it this way God?" "Can't you see that this would make me happy?" "What else could be better than this, just let me do it my way!" One response is to blame God, to pull away, to pull into ourselves and avoid hearing His message. But I learned recently that we have the opportunity to chose intimacy with God over our circumstances in every situation. Only in letting go of our own ideas and turning to God, truly trusting Him, drawing into Him, and letting Him lead the way, can we be free from our own disappointment.

Our other problem is that we want to hide. We don't want anyone to see that we failed. We don't want to admit that we had misguided dreams or unrealistic expectations. We want to put the happy face on for the world, and pretend like we have it all together. We want everyone around us to think we are already walking in the peace and confidence that we can only dream of. So we hide, we cover up, we bear our burdens alone. We don't talk about our dreams, especially when they are shattered. We don't share our hurts or or hopes, we don't admit our weaknesses or our wounds. We fight vulnerability and we pretend to need noone. But we can't ever expect to build authentic community with other believers without opening up our hearts, tearing down the walls, and living openly. Once we admit that we've had broken dreams, it frees everyone around us to admit that they have too. It opens up a pathway of communicaton that can only draw us closer together. And God wants community here on earth. He wants us to help one another, to draw from each other's strengths, to support and encourage each other. He said a cord of three strands is not easily broken. In breaking down the walls and entwining our hearts with other believers we can become stronger in our faith.

He loves me outrageously

So another year of MOPs comes to a close today. We had our final MOPs meeting this morning in the form of a fantastic waffle brunch with some amazing time of fellowship and sharing. As we bid farewell to this year, we also bid farewell to our precious mentor mom, Beth. Beth has been an amazing source of genuine, authentic, God-inspired love and support to every one of us this year. She has blessed us over and over again with her wisdom and her messages (that have often spoken straight into the depths of my heart), and beyond that with her true love and concern for each of us. She will be missed tremendously... but she didn't leave without blowing our minds (and speaking to my soul) one last time. And this time she didn't even use her own words. She shared two videos with us, but the one that really shook me up was one with words by Graham Cooke from "Inheritance." In this powerful message I was reminded that God loves me 100%. He loves me exactly as I am, right now. Not the way I want to be, not the way I see myself. But just as I am. He won't love me any more or any less if I change the way that I am, or look, or act. He loves me 100%. Not because of anything I've done. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more, and nothing I can do that will make Him love me less. Isn't that amazing? He loves me 100%... because He loves me, because He loves me, because He loves me. Because it is His nature to love. He loves me with a radical love that I can not even understand, He loves me outrageously, and He wants me to overflow with that outrageous love and love Him back. But, and this is the part that really struck me, I can only love Him as much as I love myself. Wow.... what terrible limits to set on the outrageous love I could otherwise give back to Him. How can I let my own insecurities and negative self images stand between me and loving my God, who loves me 100%, outrageously, because He just DOES. But the good news is that He wants to set me free from myself. Graham reminds me that God wants to free me from how I see myself, from the smallness of my thinking about myself, from shame, and low self esteem, and despair... He wants to break down every barrier and in His love, to make me feel good about myself.

How amazing is that message? That my God- who has plenty to keep Him busy, wants to take the time to delight in me. He makes Himself available to me, completely, any day, all the time, in every way. He wants to hold me close, to shake up my world, to chase away the things that hold me back. He wants me to call on Him, so that He can shower me with his 100%, unconditional, always in abundance love. Because He just loves me. And in the self loathing, in the despair, in the sorrow that I allow myself to wallow in, I am only cheating Him by limiting the love I can return to Him. I am hurting Him by not appreciating and rejoicing in His love and His delight in me. And if only I will allow Him in, He'll chase away all of the fear, dobut, insecurity, and pain. He'll fill me up as only He can, and He'll show me how to receive His outrageous love. He'll widen my ability to acecpt it, and He'll expand my area to share it. And His outrageous, life-changing love will flow freely through me, in a way I have yet to even imagine. Wow.

Dreams

So I've been thinking lately about dreaming. About how wonderful it is to imagine the things God has in store, to anticipate and eagerly await the wonders that He has planned for us. Not to forget about the joys of today, but to rest in the promises that tomorrow will come anew and that His love for us and his joy for us will grow with each day. But there is an inherent problem here for me. You see, too often in this world my dreams turn quickly into hopes. I start to imagine how I would see my future- what I would choose for my tomorrow, and my dream turns into a hope for that specific thing or situation. Any sign that this hope may be fulfilled excites me, encourages me, fuels my desire. And soon my hopes turn to expectations. Expectations that my plan for the next step will come to fruition, that my desires will be met in the way I think they should be, that my agenda will be followed as I set it. Then the tide turns, my expectations go unmet, my hopes unfulfilled, and my dreams that once brought me joy and anticipation now bring me nothing more than disappointment and despair. My heart breaks, my hopes are shattered, I question my worth, my abilities, even my security in God's promises. And I'm left pondering if it was ever worth dreaming to begin with...

But the problem is not in the dreaming. You see, I believe that God wants us to dream. He wouldn't have promised us hope, a future, joy, life to the fullest if He didn't want us to believe that it would come, look forward to it with anticipation and excitement. But for me I think the problems start when I begin to replace my dreams of God's plans with hopes in my own ideas. When I start thinking I can see past the next minute, when I start pretending I have any control over what tomorrow will bring, when I start setting up my own guidelines for how that joy should look or how that fullness should feel. Once I have put my hopes in my own ideas, then I am walking outside of His promises. I am expecting something that He never told me He'd give. And worse, this often involves putting my hopes and expectations into something or someone here on this earth. And I've learned too many times that we are all human. We WILL all fail. I will fail, and so will everyone I come into contact with. Only God is God, and when I start putting hope in things or people instead of fully in Him I WILL be let down. I will fall, because the things of this earth were not meant to hold me up. People will come and go. They will surprise, and encourage, and love, and lift up. But they will also fail. Because only God can hold the gigantic expanse of my insecurities. Only God can fill the enormous void in my heart. Only God can heal the depths of my wounded soul.

So I'm praying hard right now. My initial response is to just give up, stop dreaming. To settle for the mundane, never hoping for "fullness." For if we never dream we can never be disappointed. It is safe to just accept things as they are, to just "get by" and never take the risk for something more. It has worked before, for me and for many others in this life. But no matter how many times I try to ignore the dreams, they still stir in my heart. God brings them back to the surface, whispers gently to me, nudges me to delight in them. I'm praying that I would learn to dream without allowing my own hopes and expectations to take over. To dream only of what God reveals to me, to continually gaze into His eyes as he slowly tells me the story of my life, to hold tight to His hand as He walks (and sometimes dances) me through it. For only in letting go of the responsibility of making my own agenda can I relax and enjoy the one He has already made for me. And I'm quite sure that His is much more fun anyway.