What do they see?

I was recently spending some time in reflection, worship, and prayer, and something was on my heart. I was considering how I have changed in one particular area- my feelings about what people think of me. It used to be that I really worried about what others thought of me. I was concerned with being liked, with people thinking I was smart or funny or talented, with people respecting or admiring me. I truly yearned for human acceptance and affirmation. Well, God has brought me far, and although I'm not completely freed from wanting to be liked in this world, I am much less affected and driven by the need for human acceptance and praise. This is such a freeing and delightful blessing.

So anyway, suddenly, during my quiet time with God I was hit with the question: "what do people see when they look at me." And suddenly, this question took on a new purpose in my heart. I no longer want to be able to answer things like "they like me" or "they think I'm smart" or "they think I'm talented." Suddenly I want them to see much less of me and more of Jesus in me. I don't want them to notice the gifts God has given me, but instead to see how God is glorified by how I use those gifts. I want to truly honor God with every thing I do.

I realized that it doesn't matter what other people see when they look at me, but at the same time it does matter what people see when they look at me- maybe now more than ever. It no longer matters to who I am, but it matters to who God is. It no longer matters to my heart what others see, but it matters many times more to God's kingdom. The opinions of others no longer have control of my life, they won't change a thing about me or about how I see myslef. I will no longer allow them to make a difference to my heart, but I want them to make every difference in their hearts. I want them to see what God has done for me, and what he continues to do for me every day. I want them to see Him glorified when they look at me, and to see how amazing his gifts can be when put to good use. I want them to see more of Him, and less of me. I want them to see His peace, His glory, His strength, His grace, His gifts, and His love to shine through, so that they will want to feel those same things in their own lives, and to discover and use the talents they have been blessed with for His glory too.

So it no longer matters what they see, but strangely, it now matters more than ever. It doesn't matter to who I am, but it is all important to who God is. Praise the Lord, for his goodness and mercy endure forever.

Miserable

Not me!
But there has been much misery around our home the past 2 days. Out of nowhere yesterday morning, my Brianna announced, "Mommy, the snot is in my nose and I don't like it!!!" She was so sincere, even to the point of being angry at said snot. How cute! Poor little bug just felt miserable the rest of the day. She still played hard, as she is known to do, but whenever there was down time, she was snuggled on a pillow, in my arms, or in her bed, often whining or crying. I took advantage of the chance to snuggle her as much as I could. I want her to remember feeling comforted, enveloped in hugs, and snuggled close whenever she feels miserable. I want her to know all of the earthly love I can give her, so that she gets but a glimpse of God's awesome comforting love from above.

Well, as life would have it, today Caleb has been a bit "off." He's cried more tears today than in the past month, and most without good reason. Every little thing has set him off, just making him moan and bawl. So today is his day to snuggle. Except when his sister, who is still not 100%, is in my arms. Then a "discuusion" ensues over who gets which side of Mama's lap. What a sweet argument to referee! :) I'm so blessed.

Funny story- we're planning a trip in September (I'll write more about it at some point, I'm sure) that entails a flight for the four of us. We're debating the stroller issue. We'll definitely want one at our destination, but P isn't sure he'll want to deal with bringing one through the airport, dealing with it during security searches, and checking it at the plane. So we're trying to sort through how we would manage in the airport with 2 adults, 2 preschoolers (having just turned 3 and 4), and 4 carry-on bags. Without anyone or anything getting trampled. Or stolen. Or lost in the chaos. So, to get back to my point, I was talking about how the last time Brianna flew she was 8 weeks old, and she and I flew to Florida, just us two. I was saying how easy it was then because I just wore her on my chest and my hands were totally free for luggage, etc. Well, that got me thinking... last time I vacuumed Caleb was upset, so I put him in my ABC in a back carry. It worked great! Well, that wasn't so long ago, and if we could vacuum in it, then why couldn't we traverse an airport together? He won't grow that much between now and September, will he? So I decided to give it a try and see how he did in it, and if I could find a reasonable carry that could get us through an airport. Well, Caleb was not interested in cooperating with various ways of me wearing him, but fortunately his sister was dying to be strapped to my back. So... after trying several different options I decided that I could easily wear either of them through the airport with very little difficulty! And the best part is that my ABC balls up smaller than a sweatshirt, so it will be easy to stuff into my carry-on when not in use. So yes, my daughter (who is almost 4) got worn all over the house on a day she is sick. Indulgent. We were both in heaven. :)

Little mirrors

I have heard it dozens of times, "She looks just like you!" I have to admit, I beam inside when I hear that. She is a gorgeous, delightful little girl and I am proud to hear it said that she resembles me in any small way. But lately I've learned more and more how watching my little ones can be like looking into little mirrors... in so many ways. When I am going about my daily routine I am never doing it in secret. Even in the comfort and privacy of my own home, I always have someone (well two someones actually) watching me. My little ones are learning, each and every day, how to act by watching me. They watch what I do, they watch what I say, they watch my attitude, my interactions, my moods, and my reactions. I am constantly under scrutiny- and not for criticism's sake, but as a model to two of the most important people in my life.

I saw it even more clearly this past Sunday. It was a fabulous day where we got to celebrate my wonderful hubby for the awesome Father that he is. I am truly blessed to have him on my team in this parenting adventure- he has proved more than once lately that he helps me be what I am all the time. But I digress... so all morning I was telling the kids, "tell Daddy happy Father's Day! Don't forget it is a special day, we need to give him lots of extra love today!" I prompted and urged them, and they would say it whenever prompted, but I was hoping they'd just do it spontaneously, without encouragement. Finally I gave up. It didn't seem to mean the same thing when it was prompted and scripted for them, so I stopped forcing them to say it. But it was still Father's Day, and I was determined to make it special for P. We had a great day together, doing whatever he wanted to do and eating what he wanted to eat. I prayed over our meals and always included a thanks to our heavenly Father for the amazing earthly father who leads our home. I thanked and praised him over and over for specific ways he keeps our family going, and for being the great father that he is. Well, before long the kids were doing it too, without me asking! They saw me lavishing him with praise and thanks and love, and they joined right in. It was awesome, and I hope P felt loved and appreciated.

But the thing I realized most of all out of that day was how much more important it is to model good character than it is to talk about good character. They are watching. They are learning more from what they see me than from what I tell them to do. Wow. What an honor. And what pressure! The Bible says that what is in the heart will come out when your guard is down, and I pray every day that God will grow and change and perfect my heart so that it is completely true to Him. I pray that I can heal and release all of the negative, hurtful, and unGodly things in my heart, so that my little loves will never see them modeled. I pray that, even under pressure, I can be an example of how to live, how to love, and how to serve. So that the scrutiny that I live under every day can be a testimony to God's healing, awesome, uplifting power and the amazing life that comes along with it.

I'm really growing up these days. You know, I thought I was all grown up. But I was wrong. The older my kids get and the more I grow as a Mom, the more I realize how important it is for me to be the best me that I can- the real me that God designed. At home is where my heart is truly growing, changing, and becoming more like God intended. And I am really liking it.

My Whirlwind...

Wow, I've been going, going, going since last Tuesday! I'm exhausted, WAY behind on my household stuff, and just plain ready for a break.

It all started with a wonderful visit with our dear Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin here in Richmond. We spent Wednesday at their home playing, fellowshipping, eating, and just having fun. We unfortunately had to rush home in time for me to have a phone conference that afternoon, and then we spent the evening packing. Thursday morning we loaded up and hit the road early and headed up to Springfield for 7 dentist appointments in under 24 hours. Yes, we do go to Springfield to go to the dentist (some things are worth driving for!) and yes, the four of us did have 7 appointments in under 24 hours- count with me. We all had checkups/cleanings Thursday morning (the first 4 appointments), then we headed back to my mother-in-law's house for lunch. We put the kids down for naps and got things settled there and then P and I headed back to the dentist for appointments #5 & 6. From our last visit to the dentist we knew that I had two fillings that needed attention, and my dear P had 3.What we found out in the morning visit was that P had another 4 areas of concern. So that afternoon I got my 2 spots taken care of and P got 3 of his fixed. We took his Mom out for dinner for her birthday, then got the kids in bed and took a long walk down memory lane for P and his Mom. It was neat to see pictures, toys, and videos of his childhood. Friday morning P got up bright and early again and headed back to the dentist to get 2 more spots taken care of (appointment #7!) Luckily the other two areas are minor enough that they think they may resolve on their own, so my poor husband was finally ready to have feeling back in his face. While he was in the dental chair, the kids, mother-in-law, and I headed out to the stables where she keeps her horse and teaches lessons. On the way I was yawning incessantly, and I couldn't figure out why... other than the fact that I'd been up way late fixing a computer for MIL, but I had a cup of coffee with breakfast just as I always do... until dear MIL announced that she had switched to drinking decaf! Well, I drink half-caff at home, and let me tell you, there is a difference! :)

We had a blast at the stables. MIL arranged for two of the lesson ponies to be available for us to put the kids on, and hubby met us there and got to ride his horse again. This sweet horse has really become his mother's now, but it was the one he rode and showed in competitions during his high school years. The kids took many walks around the ring on those two ponies, and they had so much fun. Brianna even got to sit up on "daddy's horse" and walk a bit. It was a fabulous morning, but a lot of work for a mama to keep up with two preschoolers and groom, tack, and hold onto two ponies at the same time. I was exhausted and a little tense by the time we left. But we all made it home safely, except for my big toe that got squished by a pony, but that's okay.

We got home Friday just in time for dinner, and put the tired kids to bed in their own rooms. We spent Friday night unloading, unpacking, and sorting through the boxes of toys P had brought back with us. Saturday I headed off to work and spent my typical 12 hours of fun in the ER. Sunday morning brought Father's day, and we headed to the early 9am service at church. Afterwards, P wanted to do something fun, so we decided to check out a local pool/water park. Caleb preferred to people-watch from my lap, so I relaxed in the sun while Brianna and P splashed, swam, and took the slides dozens of times all day. We all had a LOT of fun and came home wet, tired, and happy. Sunday evening we spent some time unloading the waterlogged clothes and towels, cleaned up a bit, and visited with our neighbors, enjoying the beautiful summer night on the back porch.

Yesterday morning Brianna and I headed out to her Monday morning horseback riding lesson where we were joined by a friend and her little girl who were previewing the lesson. Brianna had a FABulous ride. I was just so proud of her and amazed at how beautiful she looks up on horseback. After lessons we had to rush home so I could take a quick shower before heading to work. I don't think my patient's would have liked it if I came in smelling like horse dung and hay. Just a guess. I had 17 minutes to clean up, quick change, and get on the road to work. I worked a short 8 hour shift yesterday, then headed straight to a meeting of the church leadership team. I got home around 10:30... and had to spend a long time weeding through my Inbox. I finally headed to bed, just to hear the phone ring around 4:30, poor P got called out by work, and I hope he's still wide awake enough to make it through his day.

Wow... I'm tired just writing it all. And glad to have NOTHING on my calendar today. Now my To-Do list... that is another story. :)

Phew!

Well, we just returned home from an exhausting, whirlwind trip. After 7 dental appointments, a trip to the barn, a dinner out, and a birthday celebration, we're all beat.

I'll update as soon as I can, but for now, just know I'm not abandoning blogging- just tuckered out!
:)

Not me! Tuesday?!?

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! MckMama hosts this fabulous blog carnival every week, and to get myself posting again I thought I'd join in!

First of all, I have to say that I most certainly did not wait until Tuesday to post a Not Me! post! Never! I would never procrastinate and totally miss the point of a carnival by jumping on board way late. And even if I did, I would not wait until almost bedtime on Tuesday night to write said post!

And since we're on the topic of procrastination, I did not wait until the last minute to work on Father's Day gifts... and I did not lock myself in my closet this afternoon, reportedly "reading" while I scrambled to get it done.

I did not walk out to check on my garden in my pajamas today, and I most certainly did not run into my neighbor while wearing those pajamas.

I absolutely did not get off the treadmill and head straight for the fridge tonight, and I certainly did not sit and snack for the rest of the evening. I would never!

Well, this is a totally lame post, one which I would never publish. No! Not Me!

The first fruit...

Well, it is official. I have now eaten something that my garden grew. Today I plucked the first, juicy, ripe tomato off of the vine and devoured it with my lunch! I am, of course, the only one in my house who eats tomatoes, so let's hope that the harvest is plenty enough to keep my voracious tomato appetite satisfied, without overwhelming me. I have 4 tomato plants total: one that will make big yellow tomatoes (the first one to bear a ripened, edible fruit), one that will make big red tomatoes, and two that will make smaller, yellow, pear-shaped fruit. I'm hoping the variety will keep me from getting overwhelmed. Here is the beauty that I ate today:

I'm pretty psyched about my garden. I have always wanted to have one, to grow things that I can actually eat and enjoy. I bought the Square Foot Gardening book many years ago, and tried a few of the ideas in it. But I thought I could still do it my own way, so that attempt really didn't go far. That was my last try for a while, until this year. I decided I was ALL in this time, and I was going to give it a go. So, I bought some wood, built raised boxes for beds, sectioned them off, and started much of my current crop from seed. I did buy the tomatoes, cukes, and peppers already established, but everything else came from seed packets. I have lettuce, spinach, carrots, radishes, marigolds, basil, beans, and sunflowers, all seemingly doing pretty well so far! I am a bit impatient (you'd have never guessed, would you?!?) so it is slow going in my mind, but I guess God knew I needed that "patience" lesson yet again when He prompted me to plant and tend this garden. Hmmm. When will I ever really get that one? :)

It has been fun for all of us to enjoy this garden. Even the kids get excited to see things growing and they thought it was amazing to watch me eat the tomato that they had just seen hanging from the vine moments before. They weren't impressed enough to actually eat some themselves... but that is another story.

In other news, I'm feeling much better today, thank you very much. It is funny how just when you think things are going along great, all of the sudden you get smacked in the face with a no-good, totally awful, exceedingly frustrating, very bad day. Well, at least I do. I don't know if it is Satan knocking at my door, or if it is my own tendency towards pessimism, or if it is just a fact of life here on earth... but I'm definitely subject to getting knocked down every once in a while. The amazing part is that God always helps me back up. He picks me up, brushes off the dirt, cleans up whatever wound I suffered, wraps me in a huge hug, and scoots me back on my way again. New every morning... His love and mercy let me start over every day, fresh and renewed.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it here, but I start my day in the closet every morning. I try to wake up before the rest of the house, I fix my morning cup of coffee (I know, gotta have a vice, and especially now that I'm not pregnant or nursing), and sneak back into my closet. That is where I sit, read my Bible, pray, and study God's word. That is my time with God, my time to recharge, my time to start off on the right foot. It isn't a habit that I developed until recently, but God knows how MUCH I have needed it for too long before I started it. And I am thankful that God has given me the discipline and commitment to do it faithfully. Mornings without my closet would just be a bad start to the day. I have a huge window in my closet, and where I sit the rising sun shines right in to greet me. I see it as it peeks through the clouds and streams through the trees. And as it brightens my little closet, it lights up my mind, chases the darkness and cobwebs of sleep away, and gives me a bright outlook on whatever the day holds. God meets me there, every morning, cheering my soul in a way only He can. Since I've started giving God the "first fruits" of my day, He has multiplied the blessings He showers me with throughout the rest of my waking hours. He truly is so good.

Well, this has turned into a bit of a rambling little post, so before I take you on another tangent, I'll just go enjoy the sun a little. I have some books that have been begging to be read, and some bills that didn't get paid yesterday when I chose sleep over productivity. Have a fruitful day!