He is SO good!

I have very little time right now. Well, today. Well, this week... oh heck, this month! But despite my schedule being ridiculously packed and over the top full, God has met me right where I am. He blesses my every day, and He helps me keep my mind focused and my priorities straight. He provides the support, love, and assurances that I need, and He catches me when I stumble. And just when I need to hear from Him, He opens up heaven and pours down a message all over my heart. He is so good... despite what I am.
:)

Enjoy these lyrics from Tenth Avenue North, this is

Hold my Heart

How long must I pray

Must I pray to You?

How long must I wait

Must I wait for you?

How long ‘til I see your face

See you shining through

I'm on my knees

Begging you to notice me

I'm on my knees

Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain

One voice in the sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If you're everything you say you are

Would you come close, and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid,

afraid to close my eyes

So much can slip away

before I say goodbye

But if there's no other way

I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees

Begging you to turn to me

I'm on my knees

Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers

Your promises remain

I can't see but I'll take my chances

To hear you call my name

To hear you call my name

You look great!

I spent most of the night back and forth between half asleep delirium and bolting for the bathroom, only to end up repeatedly cleaning up the toilet after C threw up. Every hour on the hour he was back in there, coughing, gagging, and miserable. I felt so bad for him that I barely noticed my own exhaustion. By 6am he was pale, dazed, and dragging himself limply around. Obviously he wasn't going to school, and my plans for the day succumbed to the need to stay at home with him. We got set for a day of snuggling on the couch and made plans to stop by the store after taking B to preschool to stock up on popsicles, gatorade, and saltines. As we dropped B off at preschool and let the teachers know the deal, the sweet school director said, "well for the night you had you look great!" Bwaahaaaahaaa! I was dressed in an oversized hoodie sweatshirt, and a ratty pair of jeans, and my bushy hair was held back by an elastic in an attempt to hide the damp places where puke had been wiped out only hours before. My contacts weren't a consideration, and my glasses didn't even begin to hide the sunken circles under my tired eyes. Great was the farthest thing from how I felt. I looked pretty rotten, and I went out in public that way. Wow... how I've changed.

You see, there was a time in my life (actually more recently than I care to admit) that I would have been mortified for anyone to find me at home looking that way, let alone out in public. I feel insecure enough, inadequate enough, imperfect enough on my own without giving the world evidence to hold against me. So I clean up, I get dressed, I try to fix the outside. I try to look like I have it all together. I try to appear to be cool, calm, competent, confident even. But really, on the inside I'm filled with fear, insecurity, and just general ugliness. God is so good, though. He is working on my issues. He's changing my perspective and helping me realize that what is on the outside isn't really important. In 1 Samuel 16:7 we learn that He doesn't look at what man looks at. Man looks at the outside, but He looks at the heart. And He wants us to fill our heart with His love. To get rid of the sin, the untrue thoughts, the impure attitudes, the lies the enemy wants us to believe about ourselves. And He wants us to let Him be the center of our lives. He wants us to be filled with His love, His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness that were secured through His perfect sacrifice. He wants the cross to be the center of our hearts, and if we focus on that, His love will shine through in all we do.

So my new goal is to find a balance. I still don't want to look like I'm falling apart on the outside, but I also don't want to always feel the need to hide my inside. I want to share my imperfections so that I can come to grips with the need to surround myself with friends, fellowship, and mutual support. I want to admit my struggles so that I can find His healing. I want to be imperfect and weak, for it is in my weakness that His power is made perfect. I pray for transparency in my life, so that I may be a witness to His amazing power. And I pray that He continue to fill me with the cross, so that I may never forget who I am in Him.

Blessings

Have you ever had something that you were trying to do that kept getting mixed up. Rescheduled, cancelled, postponed. Did you let it frustrate you, upset you, disappoint you? I know I have been guilty of all of those reactions. And even now as I'm learning to see things as blessings instead of curses it can still be hard to avoid those emotions altogether. But I'm so impressed by how good God is. Without me even asking for it He is helping my perspective shift, helping me see how sometimes a change of plans can be an opportunity. He gave me a few unexpected moments of free time today, and they are turning into an amazing blessing. Plans that were cancelled only 13 hours ago would have otherwise upset and frustrated me, and instead He is showing me how He planned for my morning (and probably my entire day) to go. Even as much as waking up this morning... He is rewarding my desire to spend every morning with Him first, and blessing me with unexpected extra moments of sleep, time for exercise, for projects to get done, and for more focused time with Him.

I have been getting up at 6:30 lately. The kids know they aren't allowed to come out of their bedrooms until 7:30, so I set my coffee pot up in my bathroom, set the timer on it for 6:15, and by 6:30 I am greeted by a quiet house and a hot cup of coffee. I take that into my closet and have a full hour to spend with my God. We talk, I read, I study, and usually I cry. It is the best way to start my day, and it shapes my attitude for the rest of the day. Today I looked at the clock, saw 6:23 and decided I'd take advantage of that extra 7 minutes to keep my eyes closed. Mistake. Or was it? When I opened my eyes again it was 7:28 and I panicked. But just for a moment, as I felt that voice stirring in me, saying 'it's okay... I have other plans.' So I stopped panicking, and went about getting the kids up and ready for school. Once I had them dropped off I could come back home (because of my other plans that were just cancelled late last night) and spend as long as I wanted sitting in my closet, reading, praying, crying, reading some more, and calling out to my God with no hesitation, no worry about who would hear, or who I would disturb, no pressure that a little hand would open the door. It was an awesome, unexpected, unbridled time that I needed so desperately. I was rejuvenated by such an awesome time that I decided to go for a run. I rarely get to run past the end of my treadmill, so I put on my outdoor running shoes and a sweatshirt, and took off. After 2 miles and several songs on my mp3 player belted throughout my subdivision my neighbors might think I'm nuts, but I feel great. And now God continues to bless me as my Christian music rocks through the walls of my house, and I plan to spend some time working on a home project and reading over and prayerfully considering the agenda for tonight's meetings. Cancelled plans that would have otherwise left me disappointed and discouraged have turned into an extra hour of sleep, some priceless time with my Abba, an energizing 2 mile run, and some time to feel productive. What an awesome blessing.

So what has disappointed you lately. How could it have been a blessing in disguise? How can you look for God's surprises in your cancellations?

Song

Have you heard this song. It is by JJ Heller, called Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

Messages

You know, it is funny. I always used to wonder when I was a kid how people said they heard God speak to them. I didn't really get it. Did some loud powerful voice boom down from above? Was there an audible noise that they heard, just as they heard me or any other human talking? Did the radio go static, then sputter in and out a bit before God's voice tuned in loud and clear for a conversation? I imagined all sorts of ways to hear God speak. But I never really understood how it worked, until I learned to listen. And God is even more creative than my wild imaginations ever were. And more faithful, and more powerful.

God speaks to me whenever I still myself enough to listen. Gentle murmurings to my heart that I can only feel, songs sung by someone else played at just the right moment, stories told, words spoken, writings that have been around for years surfacing at just the right moment. In so many amazing ways He speaks. He knows what is in my heart, the good and the bad. The joy and the struggle. And He speaks to both. He speaks even when He knows I probably won't listen. And the more I hear His voice, His message, the more I feel how intimately and personally He knows me, and wants me to know Him, and the more I long for more. More moments to listen, more messages from Him, more self-control to follow His plan and walk His paths, more of His amazing, life-changing, humbling, fulfilling, awesome grace and mercy. I am saved by the blood of Christ, a child of God, secure in my place with Him in heaven some day. But I don't want that to be it. I want to walk with Him every day that I'm here on earth. I don't want to wait for heaven to spend time adoring, loving, and drawing closer to Him... I want to hear his messages now. Pray that I will take more time to listen.

Timing

His timing is always perfect, isn't it?

I must admit I've had some struggles lately. Some things that I've fought with and some areas I've felt weak. I have felt like Paul: I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. I know that God desires more from me, and I know I am the only one who can make the necessary changes to give Him more. I feel weary with all that I am juggling, and I feel like I have no hope for rest.

I unexpectedly had some time to myself tonight, as P is out late at work. Exhausted, I got dinner accomplished and the kids put to bed on my own, and I totally wanted to collapse on the couch and take a nap. But for some reason I decided to have a cup of coffee (yes, that is the 4th one today! Ack!) and suddenly I felt infused with an energy and craving for some quiet time. Maybe it was God whispering at just the right moment, and my heart being open to hearing it. Or maybe it was just the smell of coffee that made me think of mornings and waking up with God and a cup of java. Either way, I took my cup to the closet and opened my Bible. I'm SO glad I did. God truly is good, and He has messages written in just the right words to meet every need and every situation. His living Word will always be the source.

As I worked through a lesson in my current study I felt closer to my God, encouraged by His provision in the story I was studying, humbled by His power and the faith of His people. And I thought I was learning more about His history, growing in knowledge of Him, His promises, His faithfulness, His dependability. Until I realized He had a message for me, now, tonight. Out of nowhere I ended up in a different chapter (heck, I went from Old Testament to New!) and landed in Acts, chapter 3 verses 19-20. And boy did I need to read these words tonight.

So you must change your hearts and lives! Come back to God and He will forgive your sins. Then the Lord will send the time of rest. And He will send Jesus, the One He chose to be the Christ.

Thank you, Father, for being slow to anger, quick to forgive, and full of mercies that are truly new every morning. Thank you for the time of rest, and for your Son, who secured our place with you, our identity in you, and welcomes us home when we've gone astray.

The Appointment

Okay, let's face it. Life has just gotten busy. I know, the kids are still preschoolers. I can hear it now, "just wait until they are teenagers," "you know it is only going to get worse," "you haven't seen anything yet!" But honestly, I'm just feeling busy. I have a lot on my plate, my dear hubby has a ton on his, and the kids are increasingly adding to the weekly schedule. I have found that it is becoming more and more difficult to juggle the collective "family" calendar, and that the one that holds my obligations is looking more and more jam-packed. I have lessons, meetings, classes, gatherings, outings, workdays, appointments, and commitments. But there is one appointment that keeps me sane through the others. And it is the one I've never written down. And the one I'm most likely to skip, unfortunately.

I've only recently gotten really disciplined at keeping this appointment (and by recently I mean in the past few years). And even today I miss it when I've worked a late night or have an early morning. It is my daily appointment with my closet. Well, I guess I should say in my closet, because my clothes are the farthest thing from my mind when I stumble in there around 6:30 am. I'm there to meet my Father, and if I make it there and spend time with Him, everything else about my day seems to go better. It started out with a book that I wanted to study, which led to a series of studies, a year of reading the Bible cover to cover, and many other books, reflections, exercises, and studies along the way. My time with God has become so vital that I feel lost without it. I get irritable, I make poor choices, and I'm more easily influenced by the sin and sway of the world. Starting my day in my closet gets me good and grounded for everything life throws at me for the next 23 hours.

It was so easy to make excuses, to say I didn't have time. And it still is. Sometimes I rationalize that I need the sleep or I can't stay awake enough to focus. But when I honestly look at how much that time changes my day (and my life) I can't afford to go without it. The benefit far outweighs the cost, and I would be stupid to miss that precious investment in my day. And God is pushing on my heart right now. Amidst the busyness, the chaos, the hectic pace I'm keeping, He's telling me I need to give Him more. He's asking for more time, more faithfulness in showing up, more delighting in Him and more purposeful devotions. But how can I manage that? How can I fit it in? How can I survive on even less sleep? Yet I can hear the whisper of His voice, begging me for more, promising me that He will fill the places I can't reach, asking me to give it all back to Him, reassuring me that He will work out the rest. How can I not? How can I go one more day without setting that alarm clock just a little earlier, without starting to look for how He wants my days to begin and following His design? If you pray, pray for me now. Pray for my mornings to be earlier, for my appointments to be deeper, for my coffee to be stronger, and for my faithfulness to endure. For this appointment is the one that can change my life. How can I not show up?