Everyday Rewards

Do you ever feel like your days are just pointless repetition? Like you lost yourself somewhere along the way of laundry, vacuum cleaners, sippy cups, and toy boxes. And lets not forget the seemingly daily frustration of discipline. Don’t you sometimes feel like a recording, saying over and over, “pick up your clothes,” “take your plate to the sink,” “don’t run in the house,” “be gentle with the dog’s ears,” “no fighting!” Does it ever leave you feeling worn out, run down, craving something that feels like success, hoping for something to make you feel proud? And yet, as you look into the little eyes of the kids who you adore, somehow you can find the strength to get up and do it all over again.
I know that I have struggled through the years I’ve called ‘motherhood’ thus far. It all seemed like such a great idea. I would have kids, I’d be a great mom, they’d love me, and listen, and obey, and we’d play and have fun together, and life would be grand. But somehow the chores piled up, the struggles seemed to start outnumbering the successes, and the frustrations of life started to blur my view of this “perfect family” that I was building. I have tried many different times to find ways to fix these frustrated or discouraged times: taking on a new responsibility in hopes that I’d be able to feel proud of some success; looking for a new friendship or group to join to feel more like I belonged and mattered; immersing myself in reading everything I could find that was remotely related to my perceived faults to try to “better” myself. Don’t get me wrong, none of these things have been bad. All of them are probably good, honorable efforts that shouldn’t be discounted as strategies for improvement. But none of them brought the peace and fulfillment that I was truly searching for.
Until one day: Psalm 119: 37 jumped into my heart and really shook it up. “Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word” (NIV). God’s word says that to truly live we should serve. We should put ourselves, our dreams, our perceptions last, and truly seek his heart. If we can somehow find a way to stop looking at ourselves through our own warped and twisted eyes, and start looking at God’s world through His eyes, then maybe we wouldn’t feel so lost in our own shortcomings, frustrated by our own mishaps, and disappointed in our own unmet expectations. You see, God wants us to serve. To be His hands and feet, to be Christ here on earth and live out the love, compassion, and outreach that He modeled while He was here. When we take our focus off ourselves, and start turning it towards those around us who we can serve, then God is not only thrilled by our actions, but glorified through our life. Suddenly the dishes and laundry aren’t hopeless chores, but ways we can bless our husbands and children by keeping their home welcoming and peaceful. And acting as referee in yet another sibling squabble isn’t a sign of my failure, it is a perfect opportunity to teach life skills and talk about God’s grace, forgiveness, and mercy.
I am starting to learn an amazing lesson: that I can seek fulfillment in many different ways, but they usually leave me feeling just as empty. But when I start seeking God, my heart is blessed with the most amazing, brimming over, never-ending fulfillment that only He can provide. Oh what sweet reward.

"Definining" moments... and healing

I had the opportunity last night to have a great chat with my Bible study buddy, Marla. We talked about "defining" moments or issues or comments that we endured that have affected the way we are as people. Specifically, we looked at things that hurt us or wounded us that have shaped how we see ourselves and the thoughts and feelings that have come from them.

One thing that spoke to me was the concept of not wanting to be "defined" by these issues. Sure, they shaped who we are, and they have had lasting effects on our personalities, coping skills, and self talk. But should we just say "that is who I am" and move on in life, allowing them the power to continually keep a door open for attack? I think not. I think the true goal is to first become aware of how these issues developed, acknowledge their contribution to our past and present, and then find a way to heal those wounds and replace them with the truths of God's love. That is where I think I am right now. I have really become painfully aware of some of my hangups, and when/why they began. I am still working on the "heal and replace" part. It is a tough road, as some of my issues have a long and deep rooted past in my life story. It isn't easy to undo that. But as much as they have shaped who I am today, I refuse to let them warp who I will be tomorrow. I am committed to turning back to God's words, His promises, His affirmations, His comfort and truly speaking that truth to my heart, so that tomorrow I can grow in His way alone.

Another whirlwind week!

And still going.
I have to say that it has been an amazing, awesome, absolutely blessed week.
We had our wonderful 10-year anniversary getaway. We had SO much fun and came hope intact (with quite a few bumps, scrapes, and bruised that we proudly wear as battle scars.) I've made P into a Rock-climbing lover, a dream I've had since we met! Wooo hooo!! Neither of us can wait for our next chance at an adventure getaway, but we're SO glad to be home with our little loves. Brianna's birthday is in full swing, and she's crashed out napping after her fabulous party this morning. She had school friends over this morning and they had SO much fun. It was a great morning, and we're looking forward to the rest of the day.
A few more days of chaos left (meetings, Dr appointments, etc) and hopefully we'll settle down again soon.
For now... we keep on keeping on!

Not ME! Monday!

This let-it-all-out blog carnival was created by MckMama. I love to read her blog and feel more human! But just so you know, I would never have anything to post on a topic like this! Not ME!

If you were watching me make cookies with my two kiddos, you would NEVER hear me say, "wait a second, I gotta put the cocoa in before you lick it- it will taste so much better!" Not me! I would never encourage kids to put their fingers in the bowl.

And my daughter most certainly did NOT fall off of a kitchen chair, while she was NOT standing on it stirring a bowl of cherry-flax-bran muffins. And when she didn't fall, taking the entire glass mixing bowl with her, my first thought was certainly NOT, "I hope she doesn't break my favorite mixing bowl!" Furthermore, as I gathered her up onto my lap and comforted her after she didn't fall, I most certainly did not use my finger to scoop up a big dollop of batter off the cabinet and drop it back into the (not broken) mixing bowl. Not me! I'm WAY too sanitary for that.

I definitely did NOT steal my neighbor's internet connection this morning when mine was mysteriously down for an hour or so. I would never do such a thing! Not ME!

I am NOT leaving my kids with my sister for two nights this week. Even if it is my 10th wedding anniversary on Friday, I would NEVER saddle my sister with that responsibility- she has enough on her plate with her own four kids. And I definitely did NOT buy a wild, wet, crazy yard sprinkler toy and get my kids all pumped up about "sharing it with their cousins" this week. I'd never set my sweet sister up for a house full of 6 wet, dirty kids!

When I caught a squirrel pilfering from my garden, I definitely did not sic my pets, the rodent killing dog and cat, on it. My cat has never brought me (3) dead squirrels, and my dog certainly doesn't kill mice, moles, and voles. We are humane lovers of all creatures here! And I have never heard my 3 year old say "look, another dead animal" while we're enjoying dinner! Not ME!

Finally, I would never sit and laugh and blog while my kids nap instead of packing for my 10th anniversary trip. Not ME!

And on, and on, and on...

Sometimes I feel like that is how my to-do list goes. On. And on. And on.
It is funny, I say "yes" to little things. Oh, that's easy. No problem! I can take care of that. And before long, the little things are piling up. A mountain stares me in the face. And I don't even know where to start. Amazing how "little" things can suddenly feel amazingly crushing. I shouldn't be surprised. I've done it a thousand times. I resolve to keep my calendar clear, to keep days open, to try to simplify and do less. And then I turn around and my calendar is suddenly more ink than bare page. And each little activity, each obligation, each committment is wonderful. Joyful. Rewarding. Each, in and of itself, is a blessing. But the sum of the parts is insurmoutable. Alone, that is. Because once again, I am reminded that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. No, I'm not saying it is okay to over-commit. But I can climb this again-way-too-high hill ahead of me, because He is behind me. And I really CAN do "it" - even if "it" means saying no and letting go of a few things. :)

So suddenly...

There have been several big things in my family lately that have made me realize just how suddenly life can change. Someone get sick, someone makes a mistake, someone reaches a breaking point, or someone gets horrible news. Any number of things can happen that have the potential to completely change life as we know it into something outside of our wildest imagination. It can be heartbreaking, hope shattering, overwhelming, and desolation inducing. Our only hope is to turn to our Lord, to reach to him with every fiber of our being, to lean on his strength and trust in His promises. To rest in the knowledge that "all things work together for the good of those called according to His purpose."

Just a Mom! *warning* some gross content ahead!

So, one joy we're experiencing this week is the task of taking a stool sample to the pediatrician's office. Brianna was SO excited, "I get to poop in that hat!" she gleefully explained to her brother. Finally the moment came and the job was done. Now for the task of moving it (with gloves and specimen sticks) to the specimen cup. She was SO curious and absolutely begged to do it herself, and she's pretty dexterous, so I let her have at it. Yes. I did. I set a 3 year old loose with two popsicle-like sticks and a turd, and let her try to move it to a cup. I am proud to say that she did an amazing job. She transferred that poo more skillfully than many of the ER nurses I've worked with over the years. Not a smear outside of the cup, turd totally intact with minimal smushage. Yes, she did great. What a proud mommy moment! HA!

So I said to my able-handed, brilliant, adventurous little angel, "you did a great job with that sweetie! Are you going to be a doctor when you grow up?" To which she matter-of-factly replied, "nope, just a Mom!" How insightful my little love. :)

Whirlwind

It is amazing how sometimes a week that seems pretty void on the calendar can so quickly fill up and fly by! That is how this week has been for us. One day after another, one thing spinning to the next, chores piling up - waiting to be done, running from one obligation to the next appointment, to yet another surprise trip somewhere... Suddenly it is Thursday and my week is almost over and somehow I have to find the time to finish some of the chores so that the house is in decent shape for me to work 3 of the next 4 days.

We're amidst a bit of a mystery around here, hoping to get good news, or at least some answers. We're gearing up for a trip in a few weeks, leaving the kids overnight for the first time ever, and I should be preparing, making lists, or even packing. I should be planning a little birthday party for my girl, getting ready to invite some of her friends over for a get-together. We should be relaxing, doing a whole lot of nothing, and just enjoying the summer days... but somehow the freight train of life has been barreling through and we can't jump off.

I feel like I just need a break. I need to catch up. I need to catch my breath. I need to feel like I have some grip of control on something. But I'm just running, best I can, trying to keep up, trying not to get left behind, trying to do a halfway decent job in the process, but constantly feeling like I'm lagging just behind where I want to be. I need a sabbatical. From life. Or maybe a maid. Or both.