More about me...

Wanna know more about me?

I'm totally insane. Really! I'm definitely whacked. Especially when I'm tired, or scared, or nervous, or some combination of the above. For me, life hasn't exactly been "charmed" or "easy." I've gotten good at hiding a lot, and good or bad, it works (most of the time... or at least I can pretend that it does). I'm terribly imperfect and considerably flawed. I try to believe that it's okay, but my own expectations for myself are higher than they should be, and I never meet them. I can't even meet the expecation to go easier on myself. The things I've faced in my lifetime I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but they've made me who I am. Many of them unpleasantly, but I try to let them make me stronger. Except that I don't believe that I am.

The things I enjoy I tend to do alone, privately, because I don't want to be judged or to let anyone see that I'm not as good at them as I'd like to be. That would take the joy away. But sometimes it gets lonely. Safe. But lonely.

I'm passionate, but most of the time I don't let it show. I make mistakes, and some days I admit them. But other days I do my best to hide them. I hate being wrong, but I love when someone learns from my mistakes- because then maybe they won't have to feel the pain of making them themselves. I know that it is okay to screw up, and that where it really matters I will be forgiven. But I too often let the fear of being judged by humans keep me from opening up and being real.

Music makes me silly. I sing as loud as I can when I'm alone in the car. Sometimes a song I've sung 100 times suddenly speaks right to my heart with a message I've never before heard. And then I play it over and over again until the message hurts, then heals. I don't cry often, but when I do it is usually because of a memory that something evokes more than what is going on in the present. And I have too many memories that I want to forget. But I have joy and hope and peace so most of the time they don't matter...

I get bored easily. If I'm doing fewer than 3 things at a time I may daydream. And some days I never stop daydreaming...

or just dreaming...