Lessons from Philippians 4

So I have been thinking a lot lately about my "favorite verses." There are so many snippets of scripture that speak to me, in different ways through different seasons of my life. I have struggled to narrow down a list of favorites. But I'm trying to find my top choices. To focus on them as sources of encouragement I can scatter around my physical world to remind me how great my God is and to help me stay focused on Him every day. I'm highly distractable, I need reminders. I admit it. Anyway... God showed me today the beauty of an entire chapter. I'm in love with Philippians 4. It has become my first favorite chapter of the Bible. I'm tempted to start memorizing it. But I'll probably forget to start and then get mad at myself for not following through. Its what I do. But I did feel compelled to highlight the amazing messages scattered through these 23 verses, so here's my list:

-agree with each other in the Lord

-help these women

-Rejoice in the Lord always, again Rejoice!

-let your gentleness be evident to all

-The Lord is near

-Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God

-The peace of god, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds

-Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things

-What you see and receive and learn from mentors, put it into practice

-the God of peace will be with your

-Learn to be content whatever the circumstances

-know what it is to be in need and know what it is to have plenty, learn the secret of eing content in any and every situation- well fed or hungry, living in plenty or in want

-I can do everything through him who gives me strength

-Share in one another's troubles

-Send aid to those in need

-God will meet all of your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus

-Greet others in Christ

-The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ will be with your spirit.

What amazing messages. What a chapter rich with messages, lessons, and reminders for my soul. Philippians 4... full of life for my aching soul, full of hope for my empty heart, full of reminders for my lost mind. Thank you God for opening my eyes to this treasure.

A year

Wow, a full year has gone by since I wrote here. It's crazy how time flies, yet seems to stand still. So much has happened since my last post, so many changes and emotions, and struggles this past year. And I'm still facing a mountain. Some days I'm sick of climbing. Some days I'm scared to fall right back to the bottom where I started. Some days I just want to scramble as fast and hard as I can and get to the top. Today, I just want to learn to appreciate the view. I want to stop waiting for the peak to look around, but to start seeing the beauty that is revealed to me every day, every step of the way. I want to feel myself growing stronger during the journey, to appreciate the way this has stretched and strengthened and empowered me. I want to love the breeze across my face, the sun on my skin, and the cool rock under my hands. I've never understood people who climb and say "just don't look down." Because for me, looking down is half the fun. Seeing where I've been, what I've already done, how much I've accomplished gives me the strength and the courage to keep going. For me it's often easier to look down, than it is to look up.

So I feel a bit crazy. Like I'm riding this out of control roller coaster, cresting these hills only to plummet once again. Hoping for the safety of the turnstiles while still thrilled by the excitement of the ride (well, excitement coupled with sheer terror, if that makes any sense at all). I'm holding on, white knuckled, eyes wide in anticipation, fear, excitement, adrenaline. As I think through the experience of riding a coaster and how it seems to correlate with my life, I come to some interesting realizations.

First and foremost, I want my life to be more progressive than a coaster. Not that zipping along at high speeds isn't "moving." It certainly is movement at it's most exhilarating. But movement doesn't always imply progress, unfortunately. If you think about it, you can really enjoy a coaster. You can enjoy it over and over. But it will never change. The track takes you back to the same station every time. You crest the same hills, fly over the same track. Over and over you will circle, never really going anywhere. Even the most exciting coaster would start to get old, boring, complacent even after a couple dozen loops, don't you think? I don't want infinite circles of the same track for my life. I want to go somewhere. Mentally, physically, spiritually... I want to be transformed continually, becoming more and more like what God wants me to be every day. Sure, I am who I am, and there is such JOY in being me (when I remember to BE... see yesterday's post). And there are things about me - talents, gifts, habits, hurts, characteristics that God molded into me that will always be a part of the very fiber of my being. But I am so imperfect, and God knows it. He told me that He'd be spending a lifetime working on me, if only I'd let Him- and that He would carry on that work until the day of completion in Christ. So I don't want to be stuck in an endless loop. I want to be learning, growing, stretching, morphing into His plan for my life.

The second lesson (and this one slapped me across the face... and trust me, it hurt- but aren't those the best kind?) that God placed on my heart was about trust. When that roller coaster gets terrifying (in a thrilling way... sick, huh), I never question whether or not I'll make it back to the station. I never try to steer the car in another direction, or find a way to apply brakes to the train. Sure, I may hold on for dear life. I may scream a little or even give the restraint a quick tug-check. But I just believe in the safety of the design. I trust that the car will stay on track, that I will stay in my seat, that the brakes will work when they are supposed to, and that the forces at work will all come together to make for a thrilling but safe ride. So why is it so hard for me to trust God with the same child-like faith? Why do I try to manipulate my position to find a place that feels "safer" to me? Why do I try to slam on brakes that don't exist or that I have no control over? Why do I look all around me for reassurances that the track will still be there and my car will stay on it? Why can't I just sit tight, hold on to Him for dear life, and enjoy the thrill and terror and exhiliration and blessing of life here on earth. When I'm riding that roller coaster, I just know that I am safe. My mind doesn't question it. And when I'm sitting in my closet at 6:30am every day with my coffee and my Bible I know I am safe. It is the safest, most peaceful, most fulfilling, most essential part of my day. If only I could carry that same faith and peace and trust with me in all hours of my life. I wouldn't have to look anywhere else for safety or fulfillment or affirmation... because there is only one place where I am safe. One place to be fulfilled. One power that can affirm me. And He's with me all the time.

So as I do this thing we call life, my prayer is that I learn to live my life like a roller coaster... with unquestioning faith and trust. But that I never let myself live like a roller coaster... repeating the same mistakes and habits or becoming complacent in my walk. And hopefully I'll learn to enjoy the terrifying thrills with sheer abandon, while always seeking the next coaster along the way.

No matter what...

God has a funny way of keeping me straight. And I have a bad habit of needing to be taught the same thing over and over...

So lately I've had a lot going on. Needless to say anyone would agree that I've had good right to be overwhelmed, anxious, moody. But several things have really come together for me recently and my perspective has opened up so beautifully. You see, I'm finally realizing that worrying about something, being anxious or overwhelmed is just a futile attempt to wrestle control of my circumstances from God. Who am I to think that any worry I have will change a minute of my future. God has it all mapped out already. Sure, it may be tough. Of course there will be hard times, painful times, frustrating times. But God planned those too. And He will not move through them. He will be right by my side, walking with me, carrying me through each of those moments- if only I will wrap my arms around his neck and hold on tight.

You see, I have allowed myself to over analyze, to evaluate and plan, to estimate and manipulate as much as I possibly could to try to make things easier. Or to try to figure out what is coming next, or where I will end up next year. I have worried, and stressed, and complained, and cried over things that I had no control over and no influence on... and not one ounce of my effort made any difference in the outcome. I've prayed and cried and pleaded my case before God, begging Him to take away my pain, or to at least give me a glimpse of hope for what lies ahead beyond it. And sure, He could take it all away in a blink. He could spare me the tough times and get rid of my challenges. But I would miss the lessons learned in living through the struggles. I'd miss an opportunity to grow closer to Him as I learn to trust in His provision and keep my faith in His providence. I would never be able to say "I know" because I really wouldn't. So I rejoice in the plans He has for me.

And I am me. I am who He made me. I am everything He planned for me to be... and there is great JOY in that. I bake cookies and feed my kids the cookie dough. I sing songs at the top of my lungs and giggle with my kids as we dance around the kitchen with cleaning supplies. I take pictures all the time with any quality, size, or output camera I can get my hands on. I snuggle with all that I have and I breathe deeply when I'm holding someone I love, trying to let their scent permeate my soul, leaving an imprint of my love for them deep in my senses. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the busy, or the worry, or the trying... that I forget to just BE. I forget the things that make me ME... the little things that make up my every day.

So I'm remembering to trust in Him. To know He's got it. To believe and trust and love Him no matter what. And to always BE the me He made me... for there is joy in me.

Take two

So I've been learning a lot lately about how things don't always go as I had planned them. Someone told me once that every time you make a 5-year plan God throws you a curve ball. I am learning more and more how true this is. I'm learning that walking by faith means trusting that God has so much more for me than a 5-year plan. That He has a future for me where I live a life of fullness. Living each day trying to control or manipulate or figure out my own life is pointless, frustrating, detrimental even. But looking moment by moment to Him and living in His plans will bring me freedom from being responsible for my own tomorrows, and confident that my life will be all He designed it to be.

But this lesson isn't easy. I have made many plans for my life through the years. I've lived with expectations, with goals, with dreams of what I thought life should look like. And times have come and gone where I felt like I've failed in some goal, or fallen short in my accomplishments, or missed out on something I expected to come. Often this makes me try harder, fight tougher, manipulate and control things to try to stuff my current situation into the framework of my own flawed ideas for how things should be. You see, I read recently that God is most powerfully present even when he seems most apparently absent. So instead perhaps I should have been accepting this deviation from my own plan as God's message that it is not my plans, but His that will guide my life. He told me that He has plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a future. So why should I try to force my life to fit some picture my small, earthly brain envisioned?

But it can be heartbreaking to let go of a dream, frustrating to fall short of a goal, disappointing to experience an unmet expectation. Sometimes our ideas of life seem so good, so happy, so perfect, that we want to believe they came straight from Him. We want to see them come to fruition, to let them play out the way we imagine them to. And when we get the message, no matter how clear, that this isn't exactly how God planned it, we can have trouble letting go of what we believed was our destiny. We can let our circumstances cause us to question God... "why CAN'T I have it this way God?" "Can't you see that this would make me happy?" "What else could be better than this, just let me do it my way!" One response is to blame God, to pull away, to pull into ourselves and avoid hearing His message. But I learned recently that we have the opportunity to chose intimacy with God over our circumstances in every situation. Only in letting go of our own ideas and turning to God, truly trusting Him, drawing into Him, and letting Him lead the way, can we be free from our own disappointment.

Our other problem is that we want to hide. We don't want anyone to see that we failed. We don't want to admit that we had misguided dreams or unrealistic expectations. We want to put the happy face on for the world, and pretend like we have it all together. We want everyone around us to think we are already walking in the peace and confidence that we can only dream of. So we hide, we cover up, we bear our burdens alone. We don't talk about our dreams, especially when they are shattered. We don't share our hurts or or hopes, we don't admit our weaknesses or our wounds. We fight vulnerability and we pretend to need noone. But we can't ever expect to build authentic community with other believers without opening up our hearts, tearing down the walls, and living openly. Once we admit that we've had broken dreams, it frees everyone around us to admit that they have too. It opens up a pathway of communicaton that can only draw us closer together. And God wants community here on earth. He wants us to help one another, to draw from each other's strengths, to support and encourage each other. He said a cord of three strands is not easily broken. In breaking down the walls and entwining our hearts with other believers we can become stronger in our faith.

He loves me outrageously

So another year of MOPs comes to a close today. We had our final MOPs meeting this morning in the form of a fantastic waffle brunch with some amazing time of fellowship and sharing. As we bid farewell to this year, we also bid farewell to our precious mentor mom, Beth. Beth has been an amazing source of genuine, authentic, God-inspired love and support to every one of us this year. She has blessed us over and over again with her wisdom and her messages (that have often spoken straight into the depths of my heart), and beyond that with her true love and concern for each of us. She will be missed tremendously... but she didn't leave without blowing our minds (and speaking to my soul) one last time. And this time she didn't even use her own words. She shared two videos with us, but the one that really shook me up was one with words by Graham Cooke from "Inheritance." In this powerful message I was reminded that God loves me 100%. He loves me exactly as I am, right now. Not the way I want to be, not the way I see myself. But just as I am. He won't love me any more or any less if I change the way that I am, or look, or act. He loves me 100%. Not because of anything I've done. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more, and nothing I can do that will make Him love me less. Isn't that amazing? He loves me 100%... because He loves me, because He loves me, because He loves me. Because it is His nature to love. He loves me with a radical love that I can not even understand, He loves me outrageously, and He wants me to overflow with that outrageous love and love Him back. But, and this is the part that really struck me, I can only love Him as much as I love myself. Wow.... what terrible limits to set on the outrageous love I could otherwise give back to Him. How can I let my own insecurities and negative self images stand between me and loving my God, who loves me 100%, outrageously, because He just DOES. But the good news is that He wants to set me free from myself. Graham reminds me that God wants to free me from how I see myself, from the smallness of my thinking about myself, from shame, and low self esteem, and despair... He wants to break down every barrier and in His love, to make me feel good about myself.

How amazing is that message? That my God- who has plenty to keep Him busy, wants to take the time to delight in me. He makes Himself available to me, completely, any day, all the time, in every way. He wants to hold me close, to shake up my world, to chase away the things that hold me back. He wants me to call on Him, so that He can shower me with his 100%, unconditional, always in abundance love. Because He just loves me. And in the self loathing, in the despair, in the sorrow that I allow myself to wallow in, I am only cheating Him by limiting the love I can return to Him. I am hurting Him by not appreciating and rejoicing in His love and His delight in me. And if only I will allow Him in, He'll chase away all of the fear, dobut, insecurity, and pain. He'll fill me up as only He can, and He'll show me how to receive His outrageous love. He'll widen my ability to acecpt it, and He'll expand my area to share it. And His outrageous, life-changing love will flow freely through me, in a way I have yet to even imagine. Wow.

Dreams

So I've been thinking lately about dreaming. About how wonderful it is to imagine the things God has in store, to anticipate and eagerly await the wonders that He has planned for us. Not to forget about the joys of today, but to rest in the promises that tomorrow will come anew and that His love for us and his joy for us will grow with each day. But there is an inherent problem here for me. You see, too often in this world my dreams turn quickly into hopes. I start to imagine how I would see my future- what I would choose for my tomorrow, and my dream turns into a hope for that specific thing or situation. Any sign that this hope may be fulfilled excites me, encourages me, fuels my desire. And soon my hopes turn to expectations. Expectations that my plan for the next step will come to fruition, that my desires will be met in the way I think they should be, that my agenda will be followed as I set it. Then the tide turns, my expectations go unmet, my hopes unfulfilled, and my dreams that once brought me joy and anticipation now bring me nothing more than disappointment and despair. My heart breaks, my hopes are shattered, I question my worth, my abilities, even my security in God's promises. And I'm left pondering if it was ever worth dreaming to begin with...

But the problem is not in the dreaming. You see, I believe that God wants us to dream. He wouldn't have promised us hope, a future, joy, life to the fullest if He didn't want us to believe that it would come, look forward to it with anticipation and excitement. But for me I think the problems start when I begin to replace my dreams of God's plans with hopes in my own ideas. When I start thinking I can see past the next minute, when I start pretending I have any control over what tomorrow will bring, when I start setting up my own guidelines for how that joy should look or how that fullness should feel. Once I have put my hopes in my own ideas, then I am walking outside of His promises. I am expecting something that He never told me He'd give. And worse, this often involves putting my hopes and expectations into something or someone here on this earth. And I've learned too many times that we are all human. We WILL all fail. I will fail, and so will everyone I come into contact with. Only God is God, and when I start putting hope in things or people instead of fully in Him I WILL be let down. I will fall, because the things of this earth were not meant to hold me up. People will come and go. They will surprise, and encourage, and love, and lift up. But they will also fail. Because only God can hold the gigantic expanse of my insecurities. Only God can fill the enormous void in my heart. Only God can heal the depths of my wounded soul.

So I'm praying hard right now. My initial response is to just give up, stop dreaming. To settle for the mundane, never hoping for "fullness." For if we never dream we can never be disappointed. It is safe to just accept things as they are, to just "get by" and never take the risk for something more. It has worked before, for me and for many others in this life. But no matter how many times I try to ignore the dreams, they still stir in my heart. God brings them back to the surface, whispers gently to me, nudges me to delight in them. I'm praying that I would learn to dream without allowing my own hopes and expectations to take over. To dream only of what God reveals to me, to continually gaze into His eyes as he slowly tells me the story of my life, to hold tight to His hand as He walks (and sometimes dances) me through it. For only in letting go of the responsibility of making my own agenda can I relax and enjoy the one He has already made for me. And I'm quite sure that His is much more fun anyway.

Right?

So what defines right anyway? I mean, in most situations that we face in this life there are many different approaches we could take, many various decisions we could make, and several potential outcomes that could be realized. And sure, there are some societal expectations for what is acceptable or good, or conversely unacceptable or frowned upon. But when you really think about it, who defines what is the "right" answer in any situation? Who gets to choose which road is the best one, which outcome is the correct one. And is there really a "correct" answer to most of what we face in life? I'm starting to realize as I get deeper into this life God gave me, that we don't get to decide for anyone but ourselves. I mean, really: who knows the intricate details of any given situation as well as the person(s) involved? Who knows the past influences that each party is affected by, who knows the current challenges that each one faces, who knows the future hopes, dreams, fears that rest on a decision except the one(s) making it. So we can look from the outside of someone else's choice, and we can label it "wrong" or "bad" or any other adjective (including "right" or "smart") all we want. But do we have the authority to judge anyone else? You see, I am learning more personally that the right to judge really doesn't exist here on this earth. God is the one who is in control. He is the only one who knows the plans He has for us, and how they will come to be. He is the one who gave us the free will to make choices, and He is the only one who sits on His throne with the authority to judge our actions.

So I pray now that as I see decisions people have made or are making, that I would be slow to judge, quick to accept, and persistent in loving no matter what the outcome or affect on my life. But moreso, I pray that as I face decisions, choices, changes, that God would hold me close to His heart. That I would look only to Him for guidance in my actions, that I would seek affirmation only in His love, approval only in His law, and that I would yield only to His judgement as each decision passes. For only He knows the deepest desires of my heart, only He can see the darkest corners of my soul, only He knows where He is leading me and the joyful, glorious future He has planned for me. And only He can decide how I will get there. I pray that He brings me through, protected and strong, to the joy and peace that He has waiting for me on the other side of this life.

Fly a kite...

Life is sailing along, like a kite soaring in the breeze. Sometimes I feel like I'm flying higher than I ever dreamed, caught up in a glorious gust, looking out over the beautiful world, the wind rushing by me and the sun on my back. Then, in an instant the wind shifts, the swell slows, and the kite starts to dive. Sometimes just a little dip, perhaps a fun little spin or two, and then back up to soaring height. Other times a full nose dive ensues... my kite plummeting dangerously towards the sandy beach below, holding tight to the string that both keeps it grounded and helps it soar. But my God is faithful, and just as a crashing impact with the hard ground seems inevitable, the wind shifts again, He blows life into the folds of the kite, and the nose turns upward to soar once again. His grace appears fresh and new, the wind lifts and spreads the fabric, and my kite sails upwards into the breezes of hope, joy, and faith.

Sometimes my faith feels as fragile as that tiny kite string seems, holding the kite as it flies higher and higher. It provides the stability against the wind that keeps the kite high in the air. It provides the tether, the anchor that keeps me from floating aimlessly into the clouds. Yet it is so much smaller than it seems it should be. I would rather hold on to a thick, tough rope, something that would reassure me that it would not break, something that would seem substantial and secure. But a thick heavy rope would weigh the kite down and keep it from flying. It would hinder, yay even prevent what it is designed to help accomplish. But don't we often want more reassurance than what a tiny strand seems to offer? But as we start to trust, allow our kite to fly, we see that this tiny, seemingly fragile strand can, and does, hold us firmly. That it does not snap under the strength of the wind and the twists, turns, and flips life takes us through. It is enough to hold us, if we trust that it will.

Sometimes it is so easy, so glorious to get caught up in the soaring that we want to let go of the strand. To soar up higher, and higher, reaching for the next gust of wind, aiming for the next level of height. But without that tether our kite couldn't stay afloat. Without the anchor God provides, we wouldn't be able to soar. Sure, we'd get blown around by the wind for a time, perhaps even climbing a bit higher. But soon enough the kite would get tossed about by the wind, collapsing onto itself, dropping dangerously from the sky, completely at the whim of the worldly forces. And with no counter resistance to pull it back afloat, our kite would crash into the rocky earth below and shatter into a broken heap. Without holding on to the promises of His word we risk floating off dangerously on our own. You see the thread that seems to sometimes hold us back, really keeps us alive.

So I pray that God helps me soar. That I trust enough to let out lots of kite string and fly higher and higher, reach the peaks of joy while trusting in Him to keep me soaring. But that I would never let go of Him as my anchor, that I would stay tethered in His will. That I can truly enjoy the exhiliration of flying so high that my heart races, while remaining secure in my faith that He is holding me safely in His hands.

To Quiet my Quiet...

I've begun to realize that I'm too busy. Ok, news flash this is NOT... anyone who knows me knows that I'm always too busy. But lately even my quiet time in the mornings isn't as quiet as it used to be. Now don't get me wrong, if you stand outside the door to my closet you won't hear a thing. But inside my head the gears are flying and my thoughts hit near warp speed. Sure, I read my daily devotional. And yes, I still spend time in The Word. But I'm distracted, preoccupied, consumed with thoughts, stressors, worries, plans, lists... all of the pressing needs of the day haunt me before I even get it started. So I want to quiet my quiet time.

I want to settle those thoughts, postpone the anxieties, release the fears... I want to spend time delighting in my Heavely Father, rejoicing at His feet, and dancing in his presence. If you pray, would you ask that God calm the storm in my mind, settle the waves in my heart, and allow me to refocus on Him, throughout my day, but especially during that precious hour I spend with Him every morning? I no longer want my quiet to be so loud...

Memories

Some good, comforting, encouraging, uplifting.
Some clouds of opression.
Sweeping in when you least expect: with a song. A smell. A feeling.
Reminders of different times. Unmet expectations. Lost dreams. Failed attempts. Broken trust.
Helpful? Encouraging? Convicting? Exposing? Reminding?
Memories...

Vulnerable

I'm realizing more and more as time goes on that I hide way too much. Sure, here on this blog I share some things that are more personal. And occasionally one of my posts gets shared with a group of friends during a meeting or some other gathering. But to really open up my heart, even to a few of my closest friends, has been a tough thing to do. Sure, there is my sister (who I will talk to about ANYTHING). And my bff from high school (again... she gets the nitty gritty). But even those relationships ebb and flow. And time pressures and kid distractions get in the way, and sometimes I go days without opening up to anyone here on earth. Thankfully I have gotten much better in my morning time with God, and my "closet time" keeps me going. But I'm starting to realize that even the girlfriends who I meet occasionally for coffe don't truly *know* me the way they should. And it isn't their fault. I hide, even from them.

I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to feel lonely when I need a friend. I don't want to pretend to have it all together because when I need to I want to be able to fall apart. I shared my desire and prompting to more transparency with a group of friends, and then more in depth with one in particular recently. She agreed that I have been really good at projecting the "together" image... she had NO idea the pain, insecurity, and hurt that lies beneath my mask. She encouraged me to open up more, to deepen friendships, to share my story in a whole new way. I'm excited at the idea. Sure, I'm scared to death. I am scared nobody will have time to listen, or nobody will care, or that whoever does will eventually decide I'm not worth the time. Or that I'll invest in deepening a friendship, making myself vulnerable and open, and then that friendship will come to a sudden end for some unforseen reason. But if, in the meantime, it means that I will be able to show His strength through my own weakness... if it means that He will be able to shine through my pain, to speak through my tears... then I will rip off whatever shroud I've been wrapping. I will move every brick, and I will bare my heart for the world to see and learn from. It may take some time. And I may backslide. But I want the world to know that I'm not "fantastic."
I'm imperfect.
I'm broken.
I'm a sinner.
I'm hurting.
I'm learning.
I'm making mistakes.
I'm saved by grace. Forgiven. Loved.

More about me...

Wanna know more about me?

I'm totally insane. Really! I'm definitely whacked. Especially when I'm tired, or scared, or nervous, or some combination of the above. For me, life hasn't exactly been "charmed" or "easy." I've gotten good at hiding a lot, and good or bad, it works (most of the time... or at least I can pretend that it does). I'm terribly imperfect and considerably flawed. I try to believe that it's okay, but my own expectations for myself are higher than they should be, and I never meet them. I can't even meet the expecation to go easier on myself. The things I've faced in my lifetime I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but they've made me who I am. Many of them unpleasantly, but I try to let them make me stronger. Except that I don't believe that I am.

The things I enjoy I tend to do alone, privately, because I don't want to be judged or to let anyone see that I'm not as good at them as I'd like to be. That would take the joy away. But sometimes it gets lonely. Safe. But lonely.

I'm passionate, but most of the time I don't let it show. I make mistakes, and some days I admit them. But other days I do my best to hide them. I hate being wrong, but I love when someone learns from my mistakes- because then maybe they won't have to feel the pain of making them themselves. I know that it is okay to screw up, and that where it really matters I will be forgiven. But I too often let the fear of being judged by humans keep me from opening up and being real.

Music makes me silly. I sing as loud as I can when I'm alone in the car. Sometimes a song I've sung 100 times suddenly speaks right to my heart with a message I've never before heard. And then I play it over and over again until the message hurts, then heals. I don't cry often, but when I do it is usually because of a memory that something evokes more than what is going on in the present. And I have too many memories that I want to forget. But I have joy and hope and peace so most of the time they don't matter...

I get bored easily. If I'm doing fewer than 3 things at a time I may daydream. And some days I never stop daydreaming...

or just dreaming...

I need my friends.

I know it. I need my friends. For accountability, for a break from the monotony, for someone to laugh with, smile with, cry with... Even more than ever I realize it now. Now, when I feel like so many of them have drifted away... when I feel a chasm between me and the rest of the world. I know that it is largely imagined, but it feels real to my heart.

I was driving along today and I heard "There is a Way" playing. The part that keeps replaying in my mind says:

What if love became a man
if the word had flesh and bones
Would you recognize His face
if He came to bring you home
You think you're all alone
gotta do it on your own
riding solo....

At first I thought I was being prompted to lean on my girlfriends more. To turn to them, to continue to nurture those relationships. To draw them close and stop "riding solo" so much. And that is true, I KNOW that I need to do that, to be intentional about keeping those friendships in place and healthy. But as much as I need my friends, the message is clear to me now. The rest of the song clearly talks about The Way... The Truth... The Life. The One who has been there all along, waiting for me, yearning for me to turn to Him. Like I've had to learn over and over... He is the only One who will bring fullness. He is the lifeline, come to the rescue, and all I need to do is reach for Him. Lord, continue to turn my heart to You alone, to remind me of the truth that You alone will satisfy, and You alone will never fail, and that only in You will I have an ever present hope.

Getting over myself...

That is my goal. To learn how to get over myself. Again. And again, until it finally sticks. It is so hard to shake the human tendency towards selfishness, and when you do it slowly creeps back in until it is all consuming once again. Now don't get me wrong... for the most part I'm a pretty selfless person. I honestly tend to think of others first, and I will forgo or give up many things in the interest of making someone I care about happy. On the selfish scale I'm pretty mild in my interactions. But in my mind, in my heart, I can't seem to stop coming back to the realization that I'm too focused on me. Too worried about my own wants and needs. Too anxious for my praise or affirmation. Too focused on how I look, or come across, or act. Too interested in making myself happy. And that's backwards. I shouldn't worry about making myself happy, I should instead seek to help those around me. And I can't be responsible for my own happiness, for there is only One who can secure that peace.

You see, there is so much hurt in this world, so much pain, so much heartache. My life, although not without troubles, is a dream compared to what some others around me face. The pain, the devastation, the struggles, the challenges, the hurt that is everywhere in our world should make me thrilled that my life is as blessed as it is. Yet, I too often lose sight of the pain around me because I'm too focused on my own inconveniences. God doesn't want me looking at my own hangnails when my neighbor's arm is hanging by a tendon. If I can see the pain around me and focus my energy on bringing God's light to a hurting world, how much less significant will my own worries be? How much more will I appreciate the love, and grace, and mercy that He extends to me every day? And how much more awesome will the blessings I'm already enjoying seem?

The other side of this same equation is trying to improve my own mood. I can't make myself happy. Tried. Failed. Repeatedly. It isn't within my own power or control to fill up my own heart with joy. And although things, people, situations here on earth can occasionally bring a smile to my face, none can truly fill my heart with happiness. For true joy comes only from my heavenly Father, who loves me and delights in me. True happiness and fulfillment can only come from Him, for He is the one who will never let me down. Flowers will fade, people will come and go (and fail), music will stop, and the sun will set. But God will never leave me or forsake me, His love is everlasting, and His grace and mercy will greet me anew every day. If I choose to let Him bring me joy, He'll always provide in abundance. And my days of bearing the weight of being responsible for my own moods will be over. I'll rest in His joy, His peace, and be truly free.

One life, that's all I am...

Right now I can barely stand

If you're everything you say you are

won't you come close, and hold my heart?

He is SO good!

I have very little time right now. Well, today. Well, this week... oh heck, this month! But despite my schedule being ridiculously packed and over the top full, God has met me right where I am. He blesses my every day, and He helps me keep my mind focused and my priorities straight. He provides the support, love, and assurances that I need, and He catches me when I stumble. And just when I need to hear from Him, He opens up heaven and pours down a message all over my heart. He is so good... despite what I am.
:)

Enjoy these lyrics from Tenth Avenue North, this is

Hold my Heart

How long must I pray

Must I pray to You?

How long must I wait

Must I wait for you?

How long ‘til I see your face

See you shining through

I'm on my knees

Begging you to notice me

I'm on my knees

Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain

One voice in the sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If you're everything you say you are

Would you come close, and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid,

afraid to close my eyes

So much can slip away

before I say goodbye

But if there's no other way

I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees

Begging you to turn to me

I'm on my knees

Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers

Your promises remain

I can't see but I'll take my chances

To hear you call my name

To hear you call my name

You look great!

I spent most of the night back and forth between half asleep delirium and bolting for the bathroom, only to end up repeatedly cleaning up the toilet after C threw up. Every hour on the hour he was back in there, coughing, gagging, and miserable. I felt so bad for him that I barely noticed my own exhaustion. By 6am he was pale, dazed, and dragging himself limply around. Obviously he wasn't going to school, and my plans for the day succumbed to the need to stay at home with him. We got set for a day of snuggling on the couch and made plans to stop by the store after taking B to preschool to stock up on popsicles, gatorade, and saltines. As we dropped B off at preschool and let the teachers know the deal, the sweet school director said, "well for the night you had you look great!" Bwaahaaaahaaa! I was dressed in an oversized hoodie sweatshirt, and a ratty pair of jeans, and my bushy hair was held back by an elastic in an attempt to hide the damp places where puke had been wiped out only hours before. My contacts weren't a consideration, and my glasses didn't even begin to hide the sunken circles under my tired eyes. Great was the farthest thing from how I felt. I looked pretty rotten, and I went out in public that way. Wow... how I've changed.

You see, there was a time in my life (actually more recently than I care to admit) that I would have been mortified for anyone to find me at home looking that way, let alone out in public. I feel insecure enough, inadequate enough, imperfect enough on my own without giving the world evidence to hold against me. So I clean up, I get dressed, I try to fix the outside. I try to look like I have it all together. I try to appear to be cool, calm, competent, confident even. But really, on the inside I'm filled with fear, insecurity, and just general ugliness. God is so good, though. He is working on my issues. He's changing my perspective and helping me realize that what is on the outside isn't really important. In 1 Samuel 16:7 we learn that He doesn't look at what man looks at. Man looks at the outside, but He looks at the heart. And He wants us to fill our heart with His love. To get rid of the sin, the untrue thoughts, the impure attitudes, the lies the enemy wants us to believe about ourselves. And He wants us to let Him be the center of our lives. He wants us to be filled with His love, His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness that were secured through His perfect sacrifice. He wants the cross to be the center of our hearts, and if we focus on that, His love will shine through in all we do.

So my new goal is to find a balance. I still don't want to look like I'm falling apart on the outside, but I also don't want to always feel the need to hide my inside. I want to share my imperfections so that I can come to grips with the need to surround myself with friends, fellowship, and mutual support. I want to admit my struggles so that I can find His healing. I want to be imperfect and weak, for it is in my weakness that His power is made perfect. I pray for transparency in my life, so that I may be a witness to His amazing power. And I pray that He continue to fill me with the cross, so that I may never forget who I am in Him.

Blessings

Have you ever had something that you were trying to do that kept getting mixed up. Rescheduled, cancelled, postponed. Did you let it frustrate you, upset you, disappoint you? I know I have been guilty of all of those reactions. And even now as I'm learning to see things as blessings instead of curses it can still be hard to avoid those emotions altogether. But I'm so impressed by how good God is. Without me even asking for it He is helping my perspective shift, helping me see how sometimes a change of plans can be an opportunity. He gave me a few unexpected moments of free time today, and they are turning into an amazing blessing. Plans that were cancelled only 13 hours ago would have otherwise upset and frustrated me, and instead He is showing me how He planned for my morning (and probably my entire day) to go. Even as much as waking up this morning... He is rewarding my desire to spend every morning with Him first, and blessing me with unexpected extra moments of sleep, time for exercise, for projects to get done, and for more focused time with Him.

I have been getting up at 6:30 lately. The kids know they aren't allowed to come out of their bedrooms until 7:30, so I set my coffee pot up in my bathroom, set the timer on it for 6:15, and by 6:30 I am greeted by a quiet house and a hot cup of coffee. I take that into my closet and have a full hour to spend with my God. We talk, I read, I study, and usually I cry. It is the best way to start my day, and it shapes my attitude for the rest of the day. Today I looked at the clock, saw 6:23 and decided I'd take advantage of that extra 7 minutes to keep my eyes closed. Mistake. Or was it? When I opened my eyes again it was 7:28 and I panicked. But just for a moment, as I felt that voice stirring in me, saying 'it's okay... I have other plans.' So I stopped panicking, and went about getting the kids up and ready for school. Once I had them dropped off I could come back home (because of my other plans that were just cancelled late last night) and spend as long as I wanted sitting in my closet, reading, praying, crying, reading some more, and calling out to my God with no hesitation, no worry about who would hear, or who I would disturb, no pressure that a little hand would open the door. It was an awesome, unexpected, unbridled time that I needed so desperately. I was rejuvenated by such an awesome time that I decided to go for a run. I rarely get to run past the end of my treadmill, so I put on my outdoor running shoes and a sweatshirt, and took off. After 2 miles and several songs on my mp3 player belted throughout my subdivision my neighbors might think I'm nuts, but I feel great. And now God continues to bless me as my Christian music rocks through the walls of my house, and I plan to spend some time working on a home project and reading over and prayerfully considering the agenda for tonight's meetings. Cancelled plans that would have otherwise left me disappointed and discouraged have turned into an extra hour of sleep, some priceless time with my Abba, an energizing 2 mile run, and some time to feel productive. What an awesome blessing.

So what has disappointed you lately. How could it have been a blessing in disguise? How can you look for God's surprises in your cancellations?

Song

Have you heard this song. It is by JJ Heller, called Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still