Vulnerable

I'm realizing more and more as time goes on that I hide way too much. Sure, here on this blog I share some things that are more personal. And occasionally one of my posts gets shared with a group of friends during a meeting or some other gathering. But to really open up my heart, even to a few of my closest friends, has been a tough thing to do. Sure, there is my sister (who I will talk to about ANYTHING). And my bff from high school (again... she gets the nitty gritty). But even those relationships ebb and flow. And time pressures and kid distractions get in the way, and sometimes I go days without opening up to anyone here on earth. Thankfully I have gotten much better in my morning time with God, and my "closet time" keeps me going. But I'm starting to realize that even the girlfriends who I meet occasionally for coffe don't truly *know* me the way they should. And it isn't their fault. I hide, even from them.

I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to feel lonely when I need a friend. I don't want to pretend to have it all together because when I need to I want to be able to fall apart. I shared my desire and prompting to more transparency with a group of friends, and then more in depth with one in particular recently. She agreed that I have been really good at projecting the "together" image... she had NO idea the pain, insecurity, and hurt that lies beneath my mask. She encouraged me to open up more, to deepen friendships, to share my story in a whole new way. I'm excited at the idea. Sure, I'm scared to death. I am scared nobody will have time to listen, or nobody will care, or that whoever does will eventually decide I'm not worth the time. Or that I'll invest in deepening a friendship, making myself vulnerable and open, and then that friendship will come to a sudden end for some unforseen reason. But if, in the meantime, it means that I will be able to show His strength through my own weakness... if it means that He will be able to shine through my pain, to speak through my tears... then I will rip off whatever shroud I've been wrapping. I will move every brick, and I will bare my heart for the world to see and learn from. It may take some time. And I may backslide. But I want the world to know that I'm not "fantastic."
I'm imperfect.
I'm broken.
I'm a sinner.
I'm hurting.
I'm learning.
I'm making mistakes.
I'm saved by grace. Forgiven. Loved.