Memories

Some good, comforting, encouraging, uplifting.
Some clouds of opression.
Sweeping in when you least expect: with a song. A smell. A feeling.
Reminders of different times. Unmet expectations. Lost dreams. Failed attempts. Broken trust.
Helpful? Encouraging? Convicting? Exposing? Reminding?
Memories...

Vulnerable

I'm realizing more and more as time goes on that I hide way too much. Sure, here on this blog I share some things that are more personal. And occasionally one of my posts gets shared with a group of friends during a meeting or some other gathering. But to really open up my heart, even to a few of my closest friends, has been a tough thing to do. Sure, there is my sister (who I will talk to about ANYTHING). And my bff from high school (again... she gets the nitty gritty). But even those relationships ebb and flow. And time pressures and kid distractions get in the way, and sometimes I go days without opening up to anyone here on earth. Thankfully I have gotten much better in my morning time with God, and my "closet time" keeps me going. But I'm starting to realize that even the girlfriends who I meet occasionally for coffe don't truly *know* me the way they should. And it isn't their fault. I hide, even from them.

I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to feel lonely when I need a friend. I don't want to pretend to have it all together because when I need to I want to be able to fall apart. I shared my desire and prompting to more transparency with a group of friends, and then more in depth with one in particular recently. She agreed that I have been really good at projecting the "together" image... she had NO idea the pain, insecurity, and hurt that lies beneath my mask. She encouraged me to open up more, to deepen friendships, to share my story in a whole new way. I'm excited at the idea. Sure, I'm scared to death. I am scared nobody will have time to listen, or nobody will care, or that whoever does will eventually decide I'm not worth the time. Or that I'll invest in deepening a friendship, making myself vulnerable and open, and then that friendship will come to a sudden end for some unforseen reason. But if, in the meantime, it means that I will be able to show His strength through my own weakness... if it means that He will be able to shine through my pain, to speak through my tears... then I will rip off whatever shroud I've been wrapping. I will move every brick, and I will bare my heart for the world to see and learn from. It may take some time. And I may backslide. But I want the world to know that I'm not "fantastic."
I'm imperfect.
I'm broken.
I'm a sinner.
I'm hurting.
I'm learning.
I'm making mistakes.
I'm saved by grace. Forgiven. Loved.

More about me...

Wanna know more about me?

I'm totally insane. Really! I'm definitely whacked. Especially when I'm tired, or scared, or nervous, or some combination of the above. For me, life hasn't exactly been "charmed" or "easy." I've gotten good at hiding a lot, and good or bad, it works (most of the time... or at least I can pretend that it does). I'm terribly imperfect and considerably flawed. I try to believe that it's okay, but my own expectations for myself are higher than they should be, and I never meet them. I can't even meet the expecation to go easier on myself. The things I've faced in my lifetime I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but they've made me who I am. Many of them unpleasantly, but I try to let them make me stronger. Except that I don't believe that I am.

The things I enjoy I tend to do alone, privately, because I don't want to be judged or to let anyone see that I'm not as good at them as I'd like to be. That would take the joy away. But sometimes it gets lonely. Safe. But lonely.

I'm passionate, but most of the time I don't let it show. I make mistakes, and some days I admit them. But other days I do my best to hide them. I hate being wrong, but I love when someone learns from my mistakes- because then maybe they won't have to feel the pain of making them themselves. I know that it is okay to screw up, and that where it really matters I will be forgiven. But I too often let the fear of being judged by humans keep me from opening up and being real.

Music makes me silly. I sing as loud as I can when I'm alone in the car. Sometimes a song I've sung 100 times suddenly speaks right to my heart with a message I've never before heard. And then I play it over and over again until the message hurts, then heals. I don't cry often, but when I do it is usually because of a memory that something evokes more than what is going on in the present. And I have too many memories that I want to forget. But I have joy and hope and peace so most of the time they don't matter...

I get bored easily. If I'm doing fewer than 3 things at a time I may daydream. And some days I never stop daydreaming...

or just dreaming...

I need my friends.

I know it. I need my friends. For accountability, for a break from the monotony, for someone to laugh with, smile with, cry with... Even more than ever I realize it now. Now, when I feel like so many of them have drifted away... when I feel a chasm between me and the rest of the world. I know that it is largely imagined, but it feels real to my heart.

I was driving along today and I heard "There is a Way" playing. The part that keeps replaying in my mind says:

What if love became a man
if the word had flesh and bones
Would you recognize His face
if He came to bring you home
You think you're all alone
gotta do it on your own
riding solo....

At first I thought I was being prompted to lean on my girlfriends more. To turn to them, to continue to nurture those relationships. To draw them close and stop "riding solo" so much. And that is true, I KNOW that I need to do that, to be intentional about keeping those friendships in place and healthy. But as much as I need my friends, the message is clear to me now. The rest of the song clearly talks about The Way... The Truth... The Life. The One who has been there all along, waiting for me, yearning for me to turn to Him. Like I've had to learn over and over... He is the only One who will bring fullness. He is the lifeline, come to the rescue, and all I need to do is reach for Him. Lord, continue to turn my heart to You alone, to remind me of the truth that You alone will satisfy, and You alone will never fail, and that only in You will I have an ever present hope.

Getting over myself...

That is my goal. To learn how to get over myself. Again. And again, until it finally sticks. It is so hard to shake the human tendency towards selfishness, and when you do it slowly creeps back in until it is all consuming once again. Now don't get me wrong... for the most part I'm a pretty selfless person. I honestly tend to think of others first, and I will forgo or give up many things in the interest of making someone I care about happy. On the selfish scale I'm pretty mild in my interactions. But in my mind, in my heart, I can't seem to stop coming back to the realization that I'm too focused on me. Too worried about my own wants and needs. Too anxious for my praise or affirmation. Too focused on how I look, or come across, or act. Too interested in making myself happy. And that's backwards. I shouldn't worry about making myself happy, I should instead seek to help those around me. And I can't be responsible for my own happiness, for there is only One who can secure that peace.

You see, there is so much hurt in this world, so much pain, so much heartache. My life, although not without troubles, is a dream compared to what some others around me face. The pain, the devastation, the struggles, the challenges, the hurt that is everywhere in our world should make me thrilled that my life is as blessed as it is. Yet, I too often lose sight of the pain around me because I'm too focused on my own inconveniences. God doesn't want me looking at my own hangnails when my neighbor's arm is hanging by a tendon. If I can see the pain around me and focus my energy on bringing God's light to a hurting world, how much less significant will my own worries be? How much more will I appreciate the love, and grace, and mercy that He extends to me every day? And how much more awesome will the blessings I'm already enjoying seem?

The other side of this same equation is trying to improve my own mood. I can't make myself happy. Tried. Failed. Repeatedly. It isn't within my own power or control to fill up my own heart with joy. And although things, people, situations here on earth can occasionally bring a smile to my face, none can truly fill my heart with happiness. For true joy comes only from my heavenly Father, who loves me and delights in me. True happiness and fulfillment can only come from Him, for He is the one who will never let me down. Flowers will fade, people will come and go (and fail), music will stop, and the sun will set. But God will never leave me or forsake me, His love is everlasting, and His grace and mercy will greet me anew every day. If I choose to let Him bring me joy, He'll always provide in abundance. And my days of bearing the weight of being responsible for my own moods will be over. I'll rest in His joy, His peace, and be truly free.

One life, that's all I am...

Right now I can barely stand

If you're everything you say you are

won't you come close, and hold my heart?