Oh how He loves us...

My heart has been heavy lately. I have struggled with grief, with loneliness, with sadness. I have filled my moments with commitments, obligations, errands, anything to fill up the emptiness I have felt inside. But it hasn't worked. For there is only one thing that can calm the hurt in my heart right now, and He's been there all along. You see, pressing in to God is the only way to soothe the loneliness. I've learned that before, but I forget it time and time again. Every time I start feeling lonely I turn to something else to fill up the space. Phone calls. Committees. Projects. Anything, everything I can think up to keep me busy and not able to acknowledge or truly feel the hurt. But God doesn't want me to fill the empty space. He wants me to turn to Him, press in to Him, let Him fill those spaces and make me more truly whole.

I truly believe that God made us for community with each other. That he wants us to have earthly friends, relationships to sustain us here on earth. That we can do so much more in His name when we come together and help and encourage each other. But He said first to "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your soul, all of your mind, and all of your strength." Leaning on Him first is the only way to live. Our husbands, friends, sisters here on earth are just human. They will let us down. They don't want to, they don't mean to, but they will. And we will let them down too, because we are imperfect and fallen. But God will never let us down. He is there today, tomorrow, and always. He is ever present help and comfort.

So maybe God uses loneliness not to hurt us, but to remind us to run to Him. Maybe He is teaching me, over and over again (as His lessons for me often have to be) that He is the one to look to first when my heart is hurting, when I ache with loneliness. My prayer today is that I would pray more. That when I want to reach for my phone to call a friend that I would stop and call out to my God first. That I would look to Him first for comfort, peace, strength, and encouragement. That I would rely on Him to meet me where I am, see me at my worst, and love me anyway.

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves...

Giving Thanks

As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches I feel the need to refocus on the reasons for the upcoming seasons. Too often the hustle and bustle of this time of year can blur the real purpose for the holidays. So I am going to focus as much as I can these next few weeks on being thankful, noticing the blessings and miracles around me, and praising our awesome God for all He does.

Today I am thankful that I have a job. A job that allows us to maintain our lifestyle- living where we do and with comfortable means while at the same time keeping me home with the kids 5 days out of each week. A job that recognizes initiative and accomplishments and allows me to feel like I can maintain a level of professional acheivement. A job where I can make a difference in people's lives, no matter how small.

I am thankful for a beautiful home, fabulous neighbors, the food to eat every day, the furniture to hold my tired bones when I need to cuddle up and read, or when I need to crash and sleep. I am thankful for two cars that are reliable, clothes that keep us covered and warm, a dog and a cat and five fish to make us smile, and lots of toys for the kids, books for Mom, and movies for Dad.

I am thankful for friends, near and far, who care enough to reach out. Friends who offer words of comfort when I'm hurting most, who extend invitations when I'm at my least sociable, and care about my struggles. I'm thankful for family who love me no matter what, for the way they forgive my imperfections as if they don't even exist. For the people who surround me every day and make life less lonely.

There are so many things I am thankful for. Yet somehow my selfish, earthly heart tends to forget or overlook these bountiful blessings until I intentionally start to list them. Once I start looking for things worthy of gratitude and praise, my heart overflows with the abundance of blessings my God has showered me with. So I will continue to be looking, noticing, appreciating the things in life that I have, not because of what I've done to deserve them, but through the grace of my Father, from whom all things come. Feel free to join me, and see how it lifts your mood!

Focus

It is funny how the mere act of shifting your focus can change everything. One day you're walking around, noticing how dead, lifeless, sad, hopeless your flowers are. The arrangement that was meant to bring you comfort and joy in a time of grief is looking sadder than your heart has felt.

That's pretty much how I've been lately. Focused on what I thought I needed or deserved that I didn't find. Moping around lamenting the wilting petals, the fallen leaves. I have been letting the negative rule my thoughts, consume my emotions, and keep me feeling lost, alone, hurt, angry, and just plain sad. It built, it spiraled, and before long I realized I was sitting there, unsure of why I felt as sad as I did. I mean, I have a right to grieve. I have lost someone I love dearly, and that loss hurts. But I also have a real peace about it. I have also known from long ago that death isn't something to fear, but to rejoice. I will miss Aunt Boo dearly, but I know she is dancing with our Jesus. So the depths of my sadness were inexplicable at this point.

So I've been trying to refocus. I've been naming (and praising God for) the wonderful things He's done these past few weeks. I've been rejoicing in how He showed up in the details, and gave me the opportunity to be there for my Mom in amazing ways. I've been thanking Him for allowing me to share this experience with several other friends who are grieving their own losses, and how it has helped me truly relate and build bridges that may not have otherwise been built. I have been looking at the things I've learned, the things He has changed and is still changing, and the ways He truly has this in His hands and will use it for His good. And I'm humbly praising Him for being my calm, my support, my ever present help in the storm. For carrying me through as He has always done before, and reminding me that I truly can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

And suddenly my load seems lighter, my mood brighter, my day more manageable, and my tommorrow more appealing. Suddenly the obstacles don't seem so insurmountable, and the hurts don't seem so intentional. The things that angered and frustrated me are forgiveable, and my hope is renewed. God is good, and He will see me through. He will provide and He will supply and He will support and He will comfort. And everything else will fade away. If I keep my eyes on Him, all things are new.

Grief

It is well documented that grief comes in stages. Although everyone has a somewhat different experience, we all know we can expect certain emotions to hit us, and in a predictable pattern. That should make it easier, right? Wrong. It is not easier to me, even though I've studied (on many occasions) grief, death, dying, and the associated emotions. I have examined them from many perspectives, but living through it brings a whole new experience.

It is funny how it takes something big to make you realize how very alone you are. In your darkest moments, you wonder how there is nobody you feel you can call (or nobody that answers when you do). In your deepest pain you realize there is nobody there to offer a shoulder or a tissue. Now don't get me wrong. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who has been an unbelievable rock lately. He has picked me up (over and over), kept me going, changed his schedule, worked, helped, loved, and just done whatever it took to be whatever I needed. And my family is amazing. But we're ALL grieving right now. Each in our own way. And sometimes, in that time of pain, you just want someone who you are certain won't fall apart beside you. Someone who will help you bear that burden, though it wasn't theirs before you brought it to them, they will take it on to help you. Someone who isn't hurting and struggling and grieving already and can offer a different kind of comfort, support.

It is pretty funny. I am no stranger to death. I have a real peace about it, actually. I am comfortable with death, with dying, with the promise of a future that salvation offers us. But somehow the enormity of these past few weeks has overcome me. The financial responsibilities. The physical labor of moving furniture, and the finality of taking apart the surroudings and possessions that are all that is left of an earthly life and boxing them up, getting rid of them in a matter of days. The emotional burden of being strong for everyone around me. The exhaustion of repeated travel and disrupted routine. I need to rest in my savior's arms and surrender it to Him. For ONLY He has been there from the beginning. Only He will bear any burden. And although I will still long for arms around me, only He can truly give me comfort.

This has been disjointed, rambling, disconnected, and maudlin... but that is my heart right now.

Faith

I was reading in my Bible today in the eighth chapter of Luke. I came across the story where Jesus falls asleep on the boat, and a storm comes along. The boat begins to fill with water and the followers are afraid. They wake Jesus, yelling, "Master, we will drown!" Jesus wakes up, calms the wind and waves, and says, "Where is your faith?"

It really got me thinking. You know, if I had lived back then, seen what Jesus- God in flesh- could do every day, watched miracles, healings, resurrections... faith may not have been so hard. If I could touch His hand, then watch that hand heal the sick, if I could be there to see the waves subside and feel the wind die away, if I could hear His voice with my ears, speaking His truth and peace every day, then perhaps believing would be simple. For then I'd be believing in something tangible, something I could perceive with my senses. Yet, even those with Him, his closest followers, lacked faith to some degree. He asked even them, "Where is your faith?"

So I started thinking, even though they could see the miracles He did every day, why didn't they have the faith He expected of them? Perhaps because they lacked the same abilities to control the wind and waves, because their own power wasn't sufficient to heal every disease or return life to the dead at any time. Perhaps because even as they watched, they didn't understand the truth in what they were seeing, or grasp the magnitude of what they were experiencing. Perhaps they were looking for some power or authority of their OWN to believe in, rather than resting in the assurances and the authority of their God.

So what did Jesus mean when He asked, "Where is your faith?" Was he implying that they could have calmed the storm themselves? Was he saying that they were equal to Him in ability to perform miracles? Should I believe that I, in my own power, want to will a storm to end that I will have that ability? Now, don't get me wrong. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that God can intervene in amazing ways. But in my own power, in my own authority, I can control nothing. Nothing at all. I have to believe that God is in control. Because the thing I DO know for certain is that my God will show up. Really, He's always been there anyway. I know that He wrote the story, and He controls the outcome. So if a storm comes, should I have faith that I can stop the storm? Personally, I don't think so. But I can rest in the faith that God will greet me on the other side of the waves. That He will hold my hand until the wind dies down. That something bigger and greater is lying on the other side of the rain clouds, and He will show it to me in His time. I don't have to pretend that I can stop the rain or calm the winds. I just have to believe that God will complete the work He started in me, and that because He has a plan for my life, and my future, I don't have to fear the storms that overtake me.

Tuesdays Unwrapped

I realize that as of late I have been remiss at posting much of anything on here. There are many varied excuses, some related to the sheer speed at which life seems to by passing by, some piggybacking on recent illnesses that circulated through our home, even one alluding to more personal private journaling taking precedence lately. But alas, the fact remains that I have been remiss. So I'm sorry. In an attempt to restimulate my blogging I have decided to start trying to participate in blog gatherings (aka carnivals) for a while, just to get myself writing here again. I'll start today!

Every Tuesday women gather over at chattingatthesky.com to celebrate the little things, to be grateful for the everday, to practice appreciation for the moments that make up life. So today, I join in. (If you want to learn more click here. )

Today I am pausing to celebrate the way God truly shows up in the details. Even amidst the chaos, the unexpected, the painful, and the challenging moments of life, He is there orchestrating a perfect plan. He looks past the hang ups that slow us down, He works out the details that we overlook, and He provides in a way that we never thought possible. Some skeptics may call it coincidence, or fate, or even good luck. But I know that the God I serve has me in the palm of His hand, He knows my every thought, and He knows the way my week will come together, the way I will work through things that I don't yet even know are coming. I celebrate that as I've grown closer to Him, as I've learned to trust in His ways (that are so much higher than my own), as I've learned to claim the promises of His word, that He has always shown up in the details of my life. He has laid the path for me, removed the obstacles, and some days even picked up my feet for me and kept me walking. What an amazing blessing to serve a God who is so intimately concerned with the moments of my life.

Avoidance

Is there anything in your life you are avoiding? Any task, any obstacle, any phone call or chore or improvement? I often find that if something is daunting I just avoid it. Like my laundry room. Contrary to most mothers, I don't avoid DOING the laundry. I just avoid cleaning the laundry room. Maybe it has something to do with how small and crowded it is. Maybe it is because it has heavy, large appliances that aren't exactly easy to move around and clean under or behind. Maybe it is because it doubles as the pet room- the one they sleep, eat, and "use the box" in. Which makes it even more important to clean it regularly. But for me, it always just seems out of reach. I never want to take the time to clean it up, so I barrel through there, trying not to look at the fluff of fur that flits across the floor as I woosh past, pretending not to notice the dried drip of animal food on the sides of the dog bowl, completely avoiding the layer of dust forming atop and behind the washer and dryer. And don't even mention the fingerprint smudges around the doorknobs, those are pretty much omnipresent in our home.

Well, unfortunately it is all too easy to just avoid the tough things. Pain from past mistakes or hurts that haunts us, eating away at our happiness or our fullness of life. Chores that sit unfinished, unstarted even, that grow in size as they remain ignored. Phone calls that grow more necessary and will require more apolgies the longer they remain undialed. Wounds that grow deeper and break us apart more completely the longer they are left untreated. Sure, ignoring it now helps numb some of the pain, helps us forget some of the work that lies ahead- if only briefly. But the thing about avoidance is that the problem only grows as it is left untended. The dust gets thicker, the wound gets deeper, the stain gets tougher, and the pile grows taller. And eventually, if you want things to improve, you have to just jump in. You have to just push against the washer until it moves across the floor, get down on your knees, and start sweeping, vacuuming, and scrubbing out those dark places. You have to pour peroxide into the wound, cleaning out the debris and crust and caked on dirt before the hole will start to heal. And it's tough, you sweat, you bleed, you cry... but it is only then that true progress can be made- true healing can begin. It is only then that you can truly start to move beyond the initial problem, and towards the joy of completion.

Today I cleaned out my laundry room, and boy did it feel good. I can walk in there now and smell the fresh scent of Murphy's Oil Soap, feel smooth, clean floors beneath my feet, and run my hands over a dust-free, clean set of laundry appliances. And God spoke to my heart as I cleaned, and convicted me to stop avoiding the things that I don't like. He prompted me to truly start to examine my life for areas I've been dodging, and He challenged me to consciously start tackling the things that may hurt... for only then can I truly heal, grow, and smell the fresh aroma of progress.

How deep is your hue?

I found myself pondering the other day... trust me- that can be a scary and unpredictable thing! So anyway, I saw a color swatch- you know what I mean, right? One of those slips you pick up from the paint store, 5 or 6 inches long with as many shades of the same color lined up along it's length. A sample of color, for you to bring home and check out in the lighting where you intend to apply it. Somehow in the twisted depths of my brain, that paint color swatch got me thinking about faith, specifically the depths of faith and growing closer to God. Don't ask, I probably couldn't even begin to figure out how the connection was initially made, but if you stay with me, you might see the connection... eventually.

You see, I was saved many, many years ago. I accepted Jesus as my lord and savior, and I asked him to forgive my sins and save my life. I know that on that day I was saved. I was no longer plain white "base" paint, I had color. The life saving, future changing color of salvation. I had chosen my hue (a nice blue if you like imagery) and I had asked for a squirt of dye. And nothing... nothing anywhere, anytime, can ever take that color away. Spread me as thin as you want, put me in whatever light you wish... I am no longer "white base" but am now "blue." Changed, forever. I'd like to say that from that day forward I was a perfect Christian, never sinning, always growing closer to God through study, prayer, and devotion, and always living exactly as Christ would have lived. Obviously: I wasn't. Honestly I just floated along as "saved" for a long time. Occasionally I'd make a step by doing a Bible study or signing up to serve in one area or another, sometimes I'd make a commitment and stay focused on keeping it- keeping myself in church and fellowship with other believers more regularly. But for the most part I didn't go far. I may have dreamed of a deep, rich, full blue... but in reality I was barely baby blue. A baby Christian for more years that should have been allowed, blessed with "Bible smarts" but not necessarily deeply connected to my God. Thanks to that wonderful and amazing God, I finally woke up. I realized that, although "saved," I wasn't living the way He designed. I wasn't growing the way He desired. I realized that my faith, my salvation, my character meant more to me than a decision in a land far away and a time long ago.

God put people, places, situations, books, studies, and time in my life in just the right way to open my eyes to the pitiful, pale shade of blue that I was letting my life stay. The more I realized how little I had grown the more I yearned to grow more. I disciplined myself for daily Bible reading and devotions, I started learning how to have a fuller prayer life, I tuned in to God's voice in my life, and I started exploring the gifts He gave me and figuring out how to best use them as He desires. And I feel so much deeper now. My heart is more in love with my God than it was the day I made that decision. I have prayed and studied and begged for God to deepen my faith, to grow my spirit, and He has been faithful. He has poured His word, His love, His mercy, His grace, and His wisdom into my life, as color in a paint can, and I am on my way to becoming the shade of blue that I love and desire to be. And what is likely the best part... is that He will never quit until the day of Christ Jesus. He will keep showing up as I seek Him, keep deepening my hue until the day comes when the earthly will pass away. And I will stand before His throne, and my truest desire is to hear the words, "well done." I hope that on that day I will stand, the deepest hue of beautiful blue that I've ever seen.

Friendship

I was chatting with someone from work yesterday, and the question came up, "what is the friendship attraction between Y and Z." (Obviously, Y and Z stand for two other women we work with.) I couldn't really answer with much other than convenience and proximity. You see these two women are so very different it is hard to understand why they have a friendship such as they do. One is young, newly married, no children, college graduate currently enrolled in graduate studies, loyal, honest, humble... the other is different in almost every way. She's at least 10 years older, no college degree, two kids, married for quite some time, very self-important and self-focused, and will not hesitate to step on you if it saves her hide. Yet these two women are called "friends." It really got me thinking about friendship... the ones I have, the way each differs, and if my frienships are pleasing to God- following according to His design.

I realized that I have several different types of friends. Those who lift me up, those who keep me grounded, those who encourage me, and those I try to encourage. I know that God intended for us to live in community, in fellowship with others, helping each other and sharing burdens together. He wants us to be a loving people, a true community that brings his love to life every day for each other. And in many cases, my friendships do just that. Take A, for example, my dear sweet friend who I had coffee and cheese toast with yesterday. Whenever I get the chance to truly chat with her I realize how blessed I am to have her in my life. She encourages me and lifts my spirits in ways she probably doesn't even realize. We are alike in many ways, and she truly cares about my heart. And I truly care about hers, very much. I can only hope that our friendship of mutual support will continue to blossom in the years ahead. Or my friend B, who I've known for many years. We are different in more ways than we're alike, but we share similar "heart characteristics" if you will, and we've seen each other through many struggles, mistakes, triumphs, and failures. I know our friendship will last, as it has already weathered the tests of time, distance, and heartache. Then there are some co-workers that come to mind. There are a few who I have connected with intellectually that I feel don't have the spiritual connection that I'd love to see them develop. Some are more openly resistant to it than others, but because of our time together at work and our intellectual comraderie I still name them "friends." My desire for these women is to be a witness of Christ's love, so that at the very least a seed of "wow, something is different about her" is planted in their hearts. The danger in these friendships is that I will sacrifice my own high standards and participate in their gossip or less than Christ-like discussions. So far I've managed to realize the downward trend before it becomes an issue, but I realize that I have to be intensely aware of the tone of conversation. Lately I've also added a new group of friends, those who I've already known and appreciated, but I've only recently discovered that they share my faith. As I become more bold and willing to talk about my own beliefs I am learning who shares it and who shuns it. And I'm praying that God will help me grow closer to those who share it, and help me stay strong and bold about sharing it with those who don't yet.

So, my prayer is that I will continue to develop and sustain friendships that are pleasing to God. I know that His design includes sharing life with others, and I pray that I do that in a healthy, beneficial way that glorifies Him and His purpose.

Independence

What a funny thing. And why is it so consuming to us sometimes?

Lately my C has been pushing his boundaries. For the past 3 years he's been pretty dependent and accepting of me. He let me do things for him, clean him, feed him, take care of him. Don't get me wrong, he has started taking on these tasks as he is physically able- but for the most part he trusts me to take care of him. He knows I will be there when he wakes up in the morning, that there will be clothes for him to wear that fit him well and keep him warm. He knows I will fix something for him to eat for breakfast, that I will clean up the dishes, do his laundry, drive him places, keep him safe... you know, the basic neccesities of life will be handled responsibly. And yet he has reached that age where he wants more control over his moments. He is resisting some of the boundaries, pushing the limits, trying to wrestle control and authority away- one decision at a time. Suddenly the oatmeal that he would have eaten happily without question a week ago is detestable to him and he demands Cheerios today instead. Out of the blue he wants to put his own shoes on, and furthermore he wants to wear the most ridiculous, too small, non-matching pair he can find- mainly because it is not the pair I had set out for him. He doesn't want to put his toys away when I say it is time to clean up, and he doesn't care that I think it is bath time because HIS schedule doesn't allow for bath at that particular moment.

It has been a bit frustrating to say the least- in case you couldn't tell. I know it is a normal part of life, a part of growing up, stretching his wings, and turning into a little guy who will (hopefully) eventually turn into an amazing man. So I try to take a deep breath, extend grace and mercy while still instilling discipline, and help guide and direct him. My heart's truest hope is that I can help him fill his heart with a desire to be Christ-like, and to properly direct this independent energy towards a life of love and service for God. That I can every so gently and (VERY) gradually start to let him lean less on me, and learn to turn to his heavenly Father for the details.

And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. God must feel like this every day He looks at me. Like I'm feeling now. I am C's Mom, I know what is best and I want everything life offers to be available to him. I want him to be the best he can be, to do all he can do, and to love his life every step of the way. I want him to trust me, to continue to rely on me, to let me help him and love him and keep him safe. I know that I will start letting go a little at a time, and I know even more poignantly that I can only hold on so tight. But I want his little eyes to keep turning to me, his little heart to keep reaching for me, and his little hands to keep holding onto me. And how much more does God want that for my life. He takes care of even the sparrow, so I know He will do so much more for me, if only I let Him. If only I trust Him, rely on Him, live for Him, how much more will he bless me, care for me, and truly enrich my life beyond any earthly measure. He will not force me into anything I won't choose for myself. But He is longing for me to keep turning my eyes to Him, resting in Him when I am weary, and running to Him when my forays into independence leave me flat on my back.

So why is it so hard for me to learn this lesson and make it stick. Why do I keep trying to wrestle back control of my own world? Why do I continually stomp my feet, let out a whine, and assert my own stubborn independence? Maybe that is my area of weakness, or my greatest struggle, or my cross to bear. However you want to see it, I realize now that I need to be alert to my own independence. I know that I need to constanly remember to submit to His will, to seek His comfort, and to trust in His provision. For when I am contently resting in Him, snuggled deep into His arms with my face buried in His chest... that is when I am truly at peace. Like a babe in his mother's arms, that is when my soul truly finds rest.

Yet again...

God is so awesome!

I have had a rough patch lately, just a small one, but one nonetheless. I don't know what sparked it, but it was probably many things strung together. I love fall, school supplies, cool, crisp air, the changing and falling leaves, and football season. I love so many things about this season, and I was so surprised when I felt the all-too-familiar restlessness start to creep back into my heart. I thought I had moved past those feelings... feelings of anticipation of the unknown, feelings of unsettledness, feelings that something was missing, or not right, or about to be not right... But yet, there they were all over again. That funny, restless state that haunted me for so long.

The kids have started preschool, B has turned 4, C is now 3, and they are moving into a new season. B is enjoying her horseback riding lessons immensely, and she continues to be a sweetheart with an amazing love for people, helping, and God. She hits me with droves of questions, some of them impressively off the wall (where do the germs come out of when we sneeze?) and others impressively deep (how can God be in so many people at the same time?) C has decided to assert his independence and is pushing his boundaries every day. I am pushing back, but trying to do it in a loving but firm way that imparts discipline and a heart for God. It isn't always easy, trust me. Every day I question if I'm doing it right, or good enough, or even just enough to get by.

Work is going well, I'm enjoying my job, taking on new responsibilities, and enjoying opportunities to excel and share my knowledge and experience. The more I take on, though, the more I want to take on. Which is good, but not perfect. I do enjoy what I do, and I enjoy being a leader in informal as well as formal ways. But I know that left unchecked my ambition would run away with me and leave my true responisibilities behind. And that is what God wrote on my heart. Yet again...

I was driving along, minding my own business, only half paying attention to the music playing in my car. I was thinking about a conversation I had just overheard between two other respected leaders in my profession. They were talking about how much longer they each had before finishing their Master's Degrees, what their plans were beyond them, and how their career paths were shaping up. Part of me was, once again, longing for the chance to go back to school, to get started on my doctorate and start letting my formal education catch up with where my brain (and heart) think it already should be. I was starting to dream of ways I could balance it- going back to school- from financial and family/schedule perspectives. Then, out of the blue, suddenly the music in my car seemed louder. It really wasn't, I totally know that, but God shifted my focus and really made me hear what was being sung. This is what I heard.

I'm leting go of this life I've planned for me, and my dreams
I'm loosing control of my destiny,
it feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe.

This is a giant leap of faith
trusting and trying to embrace
the fear of the unknown
beyond my comfort zone.
But I'm letting go

Suddenly a song I've heard, sung, and really learned from in the past took on a new meaning in my heart. Well, it isn't a new lesson by any means. But it is one of the ones that God has to teach me over and over. I'm a pretty quick learner and I remember things very well. But there are a few things God has to beat over my head repeatedly, and even then I sometimes don't really get it for good. But this is one of them: It isn't all about me. My purpose is not to make Rachel happy. My purpose is not to prove how big I am, how smart I am, how much I can do, or how far I can go. God's design is for me to serve... to look beyond my own stubborn ego and truly focus on what is in front of me. My home, my husband, my family. It isn't about my own dreams for higher education (or the letters I can put after my name). It isn't about knowing what is coming every minute of every day in every week ahead. It isn't even about feeling comfortable in every situation. To truly live for God means to get over myself, let go of whatever fantasy idea I dreamed up, and to give my life for those around me. It is to walk with Him, wherever that leads, even when I can't see past the footfalls in front of me. It is to trust that His ways are so much bigger, His plan so much better, and His reward so much sweeter. And although it may be scary and uncomfortable sometimes, I keep walking, keep looking to Him, and keep trusting Him to bring this work to completion.

The peace is back... the peace of letting go of my dreams, and opening my heart to whatever God sends my way. And it is so sweet.

Wow!

I suddenly realized it had been a rather LONG time since I had posted here! Sorry!

So I have been in an unsettled place lately. The fun of summer had worn thin, the anticipation of a new school year was large on the horizon, the fun of a big vacation still to come, the uncertainty of some adjustments and tough weeks loomed ahead. C turned three and decided he was suddenly very independent and cared very little what I had to say. This also led to some sibling squabbles that I had been blessed to avoid thus far. So far they are minimal and easily abated, but yes, the day has finally come. They still adore each other and profess to be best friends, but they have figured out what it is to disagree with each other.

School is back in swing, which means more consistent patterns in the neighborhood. Families are back at home, and the faces we know as our community are once again familiar sights. B and C are both in preschool this year, and so far are absolutely loving it. They literally JUMP out of the van during drop off, and trot into school happily exclaiming, "bye mom!" without a second thought. This is good, I know, but I can't say I wouldn't mind a little more remorse as they leave me behind. ;) Having them both in preschool, and knowing that B will be ready for Kindergarten next year, has left me very anxious about how and where they will be schooled. I have started looking into many options, some of which I never would have dreamed of pursuing, but I know God will guide the process. It does prompt some serious anxiety if I allow myself to really think about it!

B is in preschool M,W,F and C goes on M,W. I am still on MOPs leadership, which fills up my 'free' time on Wednesdays. But I am thrilled that I will be free on Monday mornings. Now, mind you, I work pretty much every other Monday, but I don't have to go in until 10:30- which will give me about an hour free on those days. And the Mondays that I don't work I will have a few hours. Today I sent C in since Monday was a holiday this week, so today was officially my first day with "free" time. I came home, got dinner in the crock-pot, aired up the tires on my bike, and went for a 10.8 mile ride. I know. Insane. I haven't ridden my bike in probably 2 years or more. I just eased back in, right? The worst part was that I was on a pretty major road with a pretty nonexistent shoulder and some hills that didn't seem so impressive until I had to pedal up them. Wow. Anyway, this is all part of my figuring out of that triathlon dream will ever come to fruition. I'm certainly not getting any younger! :)

Okay, enough random ramblings. I guess I should go check the crock pot and play a few rounds of Chutes and Ladders before Dad gets home. I'm so glad we're starting to settle into yet another "new normal" around here. I hope it helps allay this restlessness... Uh oh... I hear shouts of "No, sissy!" Better run!

The Umbrella

I was using an object lesson with my kids the other day, one I read about in a book. It seemed to make sense, and I thought I'd try it out as a way to help them understand why there are rules and why they have to follow them. The basic lesson is this: parents are like an umbrella, and the rain is bad things happening. As long as you follow the rules and stay under the umbrella of your parent's protection, then you, for the most part, will stay dry and safe. But when you disobey and step outside of the protetction of the umbrella, you are opening yourself up to the rain- the consequences- the negative in the world. Well... you know how God works in my heart. For every lesson I think I'm teaching my children, God throws at least one back in my heart.

You see, as I was drawing the picture of the umbrella, the rain, and the kids standing safely under cover, it decided I had to draw another, bigger umbrella above the one that I had first drawn. I had to draw the "God" umbrella, because parents are accountable to and protected by Him. It made sense, and the kids seemed to get the idea. But God wrote it more deeply on my heart. You see, He will protect us, and He will keep us safe. We, as Christians, just need to draw near to Him, stay under the umbrella of His protection and obey His laws and He will keep us from getting soaked in the rainstorms of life. There WILL be storms, rain WILL come, difficult times WILL appear. And sometimes, even if we are under the umbrella, the hems of our pants may get a little damp. But the closer we draw to Him, the one holding the handle of the umbrella, the less the waters of the worlds' crisis will soak us. Conversely, if we decide to step out from under His cover, we run the risk of getting hosed.

It may not seem bad at first. It may be a bright sunny day without a cloud in sight. We may think it is okay to just push the envelope a little, peek out from under the edge, enjoy the warm, sunny weather. And honestly, it may be nice out there in the sun. The warmth of sunshine may feel good on our skin, the breeze more refreshing on our faces without that umbrella in the way. So we start walking along, still near to His will, but not quite in it. We can see exactly how He would like us to stay close, right up against Him, but we're having fun out here in the sun! We still know He's there, and we're not even too far away. But suddenly, the storm hits. The rain comes without warning, and the clouds darken the sky. We're left standing on our own- soaking wet, not able to clearly see the umbrella past the torrents of rain between us. We run around, searching for that safety, wishing we hadn't stepped outside of that protection to begin with, crying for Him to save us.

And He is good. He is still there, and His umbrella always has room for us to come running back. He will take us back into his arms, brush our wet hair from our eyes, and dry us with his mercy. Sure, He wishes that we never left to begin with. But the miracle of his gift of salvation is that He offers it over and over to anyone who will take it. But for me, I'm tired of the mayhem of running in the rain. Sure, the sun is fun to play in, but the safety of being in His arms during the storms is worth missing out on any earthly pleasure I can imagine. So I make it my goal to ignore the temptations of the world, to turn my eyes to Him, even when the world seems sunny. To keep my focus on staying at His side, so that when the rains come, I need just jump into his arms, right at the center of the umbrella.

Letting go

I am a very forgiving person. I don't typically hold grudges, and I am usually very quick to forgive and forget. I even avoid confrontation and just let things slide off of me rather than seething or grumbling about them repeatedly. But sometimes, every once in a while, something gets to me. It hadn't happened in a while, fortunately, and I didn't really have any one person or event that came to mind when asked "what is bugging you?" But right now... there is something. Well, I guess I should say: recently, there was something. Because I pray that God has truly changed my heart about this and helped me let it go for good.

You see, there once was a girl who I got to know. Not a "best friend" by any means, but someone I began to chat with, relate to, and even trust in many ways. We had a lot in common, and shared similar views on some things. We helped each other out and I even began to enjoy having the chance to be around this girl. At one point during our growing friendship she made me a promise. A promise that I believed, as I had seen her keep the same promise to someone else. Somewhere along the way she decided that it was okay to break this promise. And she did. And when she did it left me feeling used, betrayed, and disrespected. I felt like my feelings, my life was so unimportant to her that she could just walk away from this promise without a second thought. It hurt, and I won't deny it. And the emotional impact of her decision was far worse than the undelivered goods of the promise. It was no longer about what I didn't get, it was suddenly about what I meant (or didn't mean) to her. And that hurt.

This promise was broken quite some time ago. Way longer ago than I care to admit, even to myself. But the pain is still there. And every once in a while, like these past few days, the pain resurfaces- usually because of a comment or an action that remind me of my unimportance in her world. I struggled horribly this weekend. I let anger seethe in my heart. I let my soul wrench with the repeated experience of the pain of betrayal. I let my heart ache, once again, over hurts that should have long since been healed. I cried, I yelled, and I cried some more, begging God to take away these destructive, rotting feelings in my heart. Little by little I started feeling it loosen up, I started feeling the iceberg melt, started letting the anger subside. But at the core, the pain was still there. Until today. I was reading a book about parenting and discipline and teaching to the very heart of our children. I was thumbing through a section filled with scripture that is useful for speaking God's will to their hearts, for adding validity to the rules and expectations our discipline is to enforce. And just when I thought I was trying to be a better parent to my kids, God once again reminded me that becoming a better mother is as much about becoming a better ME. Scriptures began assaulting the anger in my heart. I was flooded with Proverbs 11:24, Luke 6:30-31, Ephesians 4: 26-27, Proverbs 19:11, Romans 12:18, and most importantly, Proverbs: 20:22 : Do not say, 'I'll pay you back for this wrong!' Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you.

I was overcome by God's grace, filled with His love, and assaulted with His convicting words. I pray that He continues to use these words to soften my heart, to help me find that (usually so freely available) forgiveness that He expects from me, to end the bitterness that this situation has brought to my life. For only He can heal me. Only He can give peace to my heart. And ultimately, only He can judge.

The Potter

"Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand." Jeremiah 18:6

I have struggled over the years with my faults. Accepting myself for who, what, and how I am. I can list many "flaws," too many to even begin to start laying out. I have been frustrated with my emotional weaknessess, discouraged by my physical imperfections, and embarrased by my social shortcomings. I have often wished to be more. More beautiful, more intelligent, more graceful, more cheerful, more intentional, more likeable. If I allow myself to be, I will inevitably be my own worst critic. I will wish that my flaws would just melt away, and that I could be more "ideal." I have even found myself weeping over what I see as an impossible fault. But God doesn't see it that way. He doesn't ever shed a tear about any aspect of who I am. He doesn't look at me with disappointment or discouragement over what He made me to be.

God made me this way. He put dimples in the surface of my heart. He put ridges in the contour of my emotions, gave shape to the intricacies of my unique personality. He built my body, bones, flesh, and all, exactly how He intended. He is the Potter, and He had a unique, specific purpose in mind when He shaped me. He knew exactly what my life would hold, how it may be a reservoir of hope, a vessel of courage, a basin of belief to the world around me. He knows every aspect of my life, even the ones I label "flawed" or "imperfect" or "irregular." But He doesn't agree. His hand shaped each of those places in my life, and He purposefully designed each and every one. I am starting to get the feeling that He is heartbroken when He hears me discounting and despairing over my imperfections. That He hopes I can someday see the amazing purpose that He had in mind when He uniquely and fearfully made ME. me. I get so excited at that possibility.

Temper tantrums

I just love how God meets me right when I need him.

I had one of those mornings today. You know the kind- somehow you don't get enough coffee on board quite early enough, everyone seems to have their own agenda, none of which mesh well together, and several tired, impatient people end up with miscommunications and miffed feelings. So I was driving to church, alone in my car, with my family in the van in front of me. I was feeling mad, I was feeling hurt, I was feeling self righteous indignation about who knows what. I had let frustration creep in and convince me that I was unloved, unimportant, and disrespected. I was vaccillating between tears and anger, screaming harsh words as loud as I could, so much that my throat got sore. I wallowed in self pity, in anger, and in my own selfishness. I was in the midst of a full blown temper tantrum. And I didn't want out. I wanted apologies. I didn't want God to soften my heart, ease my pain- not at all. I wanted groveling, foot kissing, "I'm wrong" spouting apologies, and furthermore I wanted doting appreciation for everything I had done all week- no- all month long.

Well. God knew better. He knew that I didn't need that. He knew that if I started getting that kind of treatment, then I would start thinking I deserved it. And honestly, the impatience and the griping and the misunderstandings of the morning were as much my fault as anyone elses. I started to feel my anger simmering down, my heart softening like butter set on a warm stovetop. Wait a second! No way! Not this time. My anger flared up again and I wrestled with God. Come on! I've come so far! I'm so much less selfish these days. My expectations are so much fewer and I really do try hard all the time to serve, to love, to act for everyone except me... doesn't that earn me a day of moping. Doesn't that buy me at least one groveling apology!?!? I shook my fists in my mind and stomped my feet like a 2 year old. I could just see in my mind's eye how my heart must have looked to God. Do you remember the troll dolls with the wild hair in bright neon colors? I bet right then God looked at my heart and saw a pink-haired troll doll, shaking her fists and stomping her feet, yelling, "Me me me me me!!!"

But God is good. And He knows what we need, even when it isn't what we think we need. I wanted an earthly apology. I wanted appreciation and acknowledgement from people- people who, like me, are imperfect and incapable of meeting my every desire or need. My radio suddenly became quite clearly audible, as Third Day sang Call My Name loudly through the speakers of my car.

"It's been so long since you felt like you were loved
so what went wrong
but do you know there's a place where you belong
here in my arms
when you feel like you're alone in your sadness
it seems like no one else in this whole world cares
and you want to get away from the madness
you just call my name and i'll be there
you just call my name and i'll be there
the pain inside has erased your hope for love
soon you will find
that i'll give you all that your heart could ever want
and so much more."

My temper tantrum soon turned to tears. At first they were tears of frustration, that once again the things I swore I deserved and would hold onto in anger until I received... once again these things were melting away in importance. Once again God was softening my heart and I would be the one to give in. But the frustration over these realities soon turned to praise. To elation that God is so good that He can fill me up with His love and His presence, that He can meet my every need in a way that is so much deeper than words spoken by earthly lips can ever match. To tears of overwhelming thanks, that God could use words I have heard sung dozens of times to reach into a lonely part of my heart and fill me up with what He knew I needed. My temper tantrum was over. I didn't like letting go of the selfish, angry, indignation that my mind had so neatly justified. But the fullness that God put in it's place was so much sweeter, so much more comforting, and so much more lasting. And the peace it brings will never fail me. His love will sustain me, despite my tantrums.

Perspective

It is funny how something can really feel so very different depending on what your perspective is when you approach it. Looking at something with a doubtful, negative eye can really make it hard to accept or appreciate. But seeing the good in the same situation and making the best of what is left can really change the way you feel about it.

For instance, there was recently an opportunity for some career changes around here. The hope was that they would improve our financial situation, give us more flexibility in our family schedule, and relieve a little frustration that currently exists. The possibility was very good that this change would happen, and we allowed ourselves to dream a little and get quite excited about what it would mean for us. As with anything, there were some "cons" (if you will) to this opportunity, but while we were dreaming those weren't as apparent. Well, the opportunity didn't end up becoming all we had hoped for, and the change won't be coming anytime soon. At first it was a tough blow, we were both disappointed, let down, even a little angry that our hopes had been yanked from us. But after a few days, a lot of prayer, and a little hindsight it is easy to see that things as they are right now are still pretty good. We have both accepted fully that the change wasn't meant to be, and we have an amazing peace about it. Now it would be easy to focus on the lost dreams, the things we were looking forward to that now won't become reality, to pout about missed opportunities. There was a time in my life that I would have gotten stuck there, probably for quite some time, and I would have moped around for days, miffed that it fell through. But God has changed my heart, and He truly helps me accept that His ways are higher than my ways. And when I look at the things of this earth with my own eyes, they sometimes might not make sense. But God can see so much more. He can see the whole picture, the missing pieces that He has yet to drop into place. He knows the plans He has for us, and He will carry them through. So I'm trying to look at things from God's perspective. Sometimes that means I may not be able to see where I'm going or what is coming.

Like last night, when I got called into work. It was 11pm and I was heading into the ER instead of sleeping soundly in my bed. I was thrown together, my contacts at home in their case, and my glasses sported sleepily on the bridge of my nose. I stepped out of my air-conditioned car into the muggy, humid night and headed for the door of the ER. Within seconds the moisture in the air completely fogged up my lenses. I couldn't see more than shadows and movements, barely able to see anything beyond the inch between my eyeballs and my glasses. But I knew where the ER was and I trusted that it would still be there. So I kept walking. It was a bit disconcerting, trekking along in the dark parking lot, unable to really see where I was going, relying on the noises around me to tell me if the ambulance I spotted on the way in was moving towards me or still parked in my path. But I knew that the ER would be right where I last knew it to be. I knew where the curbs in the parking lot were, and where the access panel to the doors is mounted. So I kept walking, and eventually I made it through the doors and into the familiar walls of the ER. Sometimes it is like that with God. I know He is there, I know He will take me down the path that He designed for my life. I just have to trust and walk, using His word and the reassurance of the many fulfilled promises He has already blessed me with as my guide. And when the humidity fogs my lenses and I can't see more than glimpses and shadows of what is in front of me, I can keep walking, knowing that He never moves, He never changes, and He will never let me down.

So I praise Him, for this ever growing ability to stop looking at my life circumstances through flawed, shielded, earthly eyes. I praise Him for the way He is continually growing and stretching my ability to see things with a God perspective- even when that means I can't see more than an inch in front of my face. I praise Him for the peace that He brings me and the trust that grows through these perspectives.

Busy...

So life seems to just be running on without my consent. Every day I turn around and something else has found it's way onto my calendar. I feel like I can't even keep up some days. The good news is that most of it is fun, happy, rewarding stuff. The bad news is that I'm exhausted. I need a break, yet again. And the possibility that loomed just ahead that may have offered that break... well, it isn't happening. So onward I plug. Back to more of the same.

I'm just going to have to start writing more. It usually keeps me sane ;)

Everyday Rewards

Do you ever feel like your days are just pointless repetition? Like you lost yourself somewhere along the way of laundry, vacuum cleaners, sippy cups, and toy boxes. And lets not forget the seemingly daily frustration of discipline. Don’t you sometimes feel like a recording, saying over and over, “pick up your clothes,” “take your plate to the sink,” “don’t run in the house,” “be gentle with the dog’s ears,” “no fighting!” Does it ever leave you feeling worn out, run down, craving something that feels like success, hoping for something to make you feel proud? And yet, as you look into the little eyes of the kids who you adore, somehow you can find the strength to get up and do it all over again.
I know that I have struggled through the years I’ve called ‘motherhood’ thus far. It all seemed like such a great idea. I would have kids, I’d be a great mom, they’d love me, and listen, and obey, and we’d play and have fun together, and life would be grand. But somehow the chores piled up, the struggles seemed to start outnumbering the successes, and the frustrations of life started to blur my view of this “perfect family” that I was building. I have tried many different times to find ways to fix these frustrated or discouraged times: taking on a new responsibility in hopes that I’d be able to feel proud of some success; looking for a new friendship or group to join to feel more like I belonged and mattered; immersing myself in reading everything I could find that was remotely related to my perceived faults to try to “better” myself. Don’t get me wrong, none of these things have been bad. All of them are probably good, honorable efforts that shouldn’t be discounted as strategies for improvement. But none of them brought the peace and fulfillment that I was truly searching for.
Until one day: Psalm 119: 37 jumped into my heart and really shook it up. “Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word” (NIV). God’s word says that to truly live we should serve. We should put ourselves, our dreams, our perceptions last, and truly seek his heart. If we can somehow find a way to stop looking at ourselves through our own warped and twisted eyes, and start looking at God’s world through His eyes, then maybe we wouldn’t feel so lost in our own shortcomings, frustrated by our own mishaps, and disappointed in our own unmet expectations. You see, God wants us to serve. To be His hands and feet, to be Christ here on earth and live out the love, compassion, and outreach that He modeled while He was here. When we take our focus off ourselves, and start turning it towards those around us who we can serve, then God is not only thrilled by our actions, but glorified through our life. Suddenly the dishes and laundry aren’t hopeless chores, but ways we can bless our husbands and children by keeping their home welcoming and peaceful. And acting as referee in yet another sibling squabble isn’t a sign of my failure, it is a perfect opportunity to teach life skills and talk about God’s grace, forgiveness, and mercy.
I am starting to learn an amazing lesson: that I can seek fulfillment in many different ways, but they usually leave me feeling just as empty. But when I start seeking God, my heart is blessed with the most amazing, brimming over, never-ending fulfillment that only He can provide. Oh what sweet reward.

"Definining" moments... and healing

I had the opportunity last night to have a great chat with my Bible study buddy, Marla. We talked about "defining" moments or issues or comments that we endured that have affected the way we are as people. Specifically, we looked at things that hurt us or wounded us that have shaped how we see ourselves and the thoughts and feelings that have come from them.

One thing that spoke to me was the concept of not wanting to be "defined" by these issues. Sure, they shaped who we are, and they have had lasting effects on our personalities, coping skills, and self talk. But should we just say "that is who I am" and move on in life, allowing them the power to continually keep a door open for attack? I think not. I think the true goal is to first become aware of how these issues developed, acknowledge their contribution to our past and present, and then find a way to heal those wounds and replace them with the truths of God's love. That is where I think I am right now. I have really become painfully aware of some of my hangups, and when/why they began. I am still working on the "heal and replace" part. It is a tough road, as some of my issues have a long and deep rooted past in my life story. It isn't easy to undo that. But as much as they have shaped who I am today, I refuse to let them warp who I will be tomorrow. I am committed to turning back to God's words, His promises, His affirmations, His comfort and truly speaking that truth to my heart, so that tomorrow I can grow in His way alone.

Another whirlwind week!

And still going.
I have to say that it has been an amazing, awesome, absolutely blessed week.
We had our wonderful 10-year anniversary getaway. We had SO much fun and came hope intact (with quite a few bumps, scrapes, and bruised that we proudly wear as battle scars.) I've made P into a Rock-climbing lover, a dream I've had since we met! Wooo hooo!! Neither of us can wait for our next chance at an adventure getaway, but we're SO glad to be home with our little loves. Brianna's birthday is in full swing, and she's crashed out napping after her fabulous party this morning. She had school friends over this morning and they had SO much fun. It was a great morning, and we're looking forward to the rest of the day.
A few more days of chaos left (meetings, Dr appointments, etc) and hopefully we'll settle down again soon.
For now... we keep on keeping on!

Not ME! Monday!

This let-it-all-out blog carnival was created by MckMama. I love to read her blog and feel more human! But just so you know, I would never have anything to post on a topic like this! Not ME!

If you were watching me make cookies with my two kiddos, you would NEVER hear me say, "wait a second, I gotta put the cocoa in before you lick it- it will taste so much better!" Not me! I would never encourage kids to put their fingers in the bowl.

And my daughter most certainly did NOT fall off of a kitchen chair, while she was NOT standing on it stirring a bowl of cherry-flax-bran muffins. And when she didn't fall, taking the entire glass mixing bowl with her, my first thought was certainly NOT, "I hope she doesn't break my favorite mixing bowl!" Furthermore, as I gathered her up onto my lap and comforted her after she didn't fall, I most certainly did not use my finger to scoop up a big dollop of batter off the cabinet and drop it back into the (not broken) mixing bowl. Not me! I'm WAY too sanitary for that.

I definitely did NOT steal my neighbor's internet connection this morning when mine was mysteriously down for an hour or so. I would never do such a thing! Not ME!

I am NOT leaving my kids with my sister for two nights this week. Even if it is my 10th wedding anniversary on Friday, I would NEVER saddle my sister with that responsibility- she has enough on her plate with her own four kids. And I definitely did NOT buy a wild, wet, crazy yard sprinkler toy and get my kids all pumped up about "sharing it with their cousins" this week. I'd never set my sweet sister up for a house full of 6 wet, dirty kids!

When I caught a squirrel pilfering from my garden, I definitely did not sic my pets, the rodent killing dog and cat, on it. My cat has never brought me (3) dead squirrels, and my dog certainly doesn't kill mice, moles, and voles. We are humane lovers of all creatures here! And I have never heard my 3 year old say "look, another dead animal" while we're enjoying dinner! Not ME!

Finally, I would never sit and laugh and blog while my kids nap instead of packing for my 10th anniversary trip. Not ME!

And on, and on, and on...

Sometimes I feel like that is how my to-do list goes. On. And on. And on.
It is funny, I say "yes" to little things. Oh, that's easy. No problem! I can take care of that. And before long, the little things are piling up. A mountain stares me in the face. And I don't even know where to start. Amazing how "little" things can suddenly feel amazingly crushing. I shouldn't be surprised. I've done it a thousand times. I resolve to keep my calendar clear, to keep days open, to try to simplify and do less. And then I turn around and my calendar is suddenly more ink than bare page. And each little activity, each obligation, each committment is wonderful. Joyful. Rewarding. Each, in and of itself, is a blessing. But the sum of the parts is insurmoutable. Alone, that is. Because once again, I am reminded that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. No, I'm not saying it is okay to over-commit. But I can climb this again-way-too-high hill ahead of me, because He is behind me. And I really CAN do "it" - even if "it" means saying no and letting go of a few things. :)

So suddenly...

There have been several big things in my family lately that have made me realize just how suddenly life can change. Someone get sick, someone makes a mistake, someone reaches a breaking point, or someone gets horrible news. Any number of things can happen that have the potential to completely change life as we know it into something outside of our wildest imagination. It can be heartbreaking, hope shattering, overwhelming, and desolation inducing. Our only hope is to turn to our Lord, to reach to him with every fiber of our being, to lean on his strength and trust in His promises. To rest in the knowledge that "all things work together for the good of those called according to His purpose."

Just a Mom! *warning* some gross content ahead!

So, one joy we're experiencing this week is the task of taking a stool sample to the pediatrician's office. Brianna was SO excited, "I get to poop in that hat!" she gleefully explained to her brother. Finally the moment came and the job was done. Now for the task of moving it (with gloves and specimen sticks) to the specimen cup. She was SO curious and absolutely begged to do it herself, and she's pretty dexterous, so I let her have at it. Yes. I did. I set a 3 year old loose with two popsicle-like sticks and a turd, and let her try to move it to a cup. I am proud to say that she did an amazing job. She transferred that poo more skillfully than many of the ER nurses I've worked with over the years. Not a smear outside of the cup, turd totally intact with minimal smushage. Yes, she did great. What a proud mommy moment! HA!

So I said to my able-handed, brilliant, adventurous little angel, "you did a great job with that sweetie! Are you going to be a doctor when you grow up?" To which she matter-of-factly replied, "nope, just a Mom!" How insightful my little love. :)

Whirlwind

It is amazing how sometimes a week that seems pretty void on the calendar can so quickly fill up and fly by! That is how this week has been for us. One day after another, one thing spinning to the next, chores piling up - waiting to be done, running from one obligation to the next appointment, to yet another surprise trip somewhere... Suddenly it is Thursday and my week is almost over and somehow I have to find the time to finish some of the chores so that the house is in decent shape for me to work 3 of the next 4 days.

We're amidst a bit of a mystery around here, hoping to get good news, or at least some answers. We're gearing up for a trip in a few weeks, leaving the kids overnight for the first time ever, and I should be preparing, making lists, or even packing. I should be planning a little birthday party for my girl, getting ready to invite some of her friends over for a get-together. We should be relaxing, doing a whole lot of nothing, and just enjoying the summer days... but somehow the freight train of life has been barreling through and we can't jump off.

I feel like I just need a break. I need to catch up. I need to catch my breath. I need to feel like I have some grip of control on something. But I'm just running, best I can, trying to keep up, trying not to get left behind, trying to do a halfway decent job in the process, but constantly feeling like I'm lagging just behind where I want to be. I need a sabbatical. From life. Or maybe a maid. Or both.

What do they see?

I was recently spending some time in reflection, worship, and prayer, and something was on my heart. I was considering how I have changed in one particular area- my feelings about what people think of me. It used to be that I really worried about what others thought of me. I was concerned with being liked, with people thinking I was smart or funny or talented, with people respecting or admiring me. I truly yearned for human acceptance and affirmation. Well, God has brought me far, and although I'm not completely freed from wanting to be liked in this world, I am much less affected and driven by the need for human acceptance and praise. This is such a freeing and delightful blessing.

So anyway, suddenly, during my quiet time with God I was hit with the question: "what do people see when they look at me." And suddenly, this question took on a new purpose in my heart. I no longer want to be able to answer things like "they like me" or "they think I'm smart" or "they think I'm talented." Suddenly I want them to see much less of me and more of Jesus in me. I don't want them to notice the gifts God has given me, but instead to see how God is glorified by how I use those gifts. I want to truly honor God with every thing I do.

I realized that it doesn't matter what other people see when they look at me, but at the same time it does matter what people see when they look at me- maybe now more than ever. It no longer matters to who I am, but it matters to who God is. It no longer matters to my heart what others see, but it matters many times more to God's kingdom. The opinions of others no longer have control of my life, they won't change a thing about me or about how I see myslef. I will no longer allow them to make a difference to my heart, but I want them to make every difference in their hearts. I want them to see what God has done for me, and what he continues to do for me every day. I want them to see Him glorified when they look at me, and to see how amazing his gifts can be when put to good use. I want them to see more of Him, and less of me. I want them to see His peace, His glory, His strength, His grace, His gifts, and His love to shine through, so that they will want to feel those same things in their own lives, and to discover and use the talents they have been blessed with for His glory too.

So it no longer matters what they see, but strangely, it now matters more than ever. It doesn't matter to who I am, but it is all important to who God is. Praise the Lord, for his goodness and mercy endure forever.

Miserable

Not me!
But there has been much misery around our home the past 2 days. Out of nowhere yesterday morning, my Brianna announced, "Mommy, the snot is in my nose and I don't like it!!!" She was so sincere, even to the point of being angry at said snot. How cute! Poor little bug just felt miserable the rest of the day. She still played hard, as she is known to do, but whenever there was down time, she was snuggled on a pillow, in my arms, or in her bed, often whining or crying. I took advantage of the chance to snuggle her as much as I could. I want her to remember feeling comforted, enveloped in hugs, and snuggled close whenever she feels miserable. I want her to know all of the earthly love I can give her, so that she gets but a glimpse of God's awesome comforting love from above.

Well, as life would have it, today Caleb has been a bit "off." He's cried more tears today than in the past month, and most without good reason. Every little thing has set him off, just making him moan and bawl. So today is his day to snuggle. Except when his sister, who is still not 100%, is in my arms. Then a "discuusion" ensues over who gets which side of Mama's lap. What a sweet argument to referee! :) I'm so blessed.

Funny story- we're planning a trip in September (I'll write more about it at some point, I'm sure) that entails a flight for the four of us. We're debating the stroller issue. We'll definitely want one at our destination, but P isn't sure he'll want to deal with bringing one through the airport, dealing with it during security searches, and checking it at the plane. So we're trying to sort through how we would manage in the airport with 2 adults, 2 preschoolers (having just turned 3 and 4), and 4 carry-on bags. Without anyone or anything getting trampled. Or stolen. Or lost in the chaos. So, to get back to my point, I was talking about how the last time Brianna flew she was 8 weeks old, and she and I flew to Florida, just us two. I was saying how easy it was then because I just wore her on my chest and my hands were totally free for luggage, etc. Well, that got me thinking... last time I vacuumed Caleb was upset, so I put him in my ABC in a back carry. It worked great! Well, that wasn't so long ago, and if we could vacuum in it, then why couldn't we traverse an airport together? He won't grow that much between now and September, will he? So I decided to give it a try and see how he did in it, and if I could find a reasonable carry that could get us through an airport. Well, Caleb was not interested in cooperating with various ways of me wearing him, but fortunately his sister was dying to be strapped to my back. So... after trying several different options I decided that I could easily wear either of them through the airport with very little difficulty! And the best part is that my ABC balls up smaller than a sweatshirt, so it will be easy to stuff into my carry-on when not in use. So yes, my daughter (who is almost 4) got worn all over the house on a day she is sick. Indulgent. We were both in heaven. :)

Little mirrors

I have heard it dozens of times, "She looks just like you!" I have to admit, I beam inside when I hear that. She is a gorgeous, delightful little girl and I am proud to hear it said that she resembles me in any small way. But lately I've learned more and more how watching my little ones can be like looking into little mirrors... in so many ways. When I am going about my daily routine I am never doing it in secret. Even in the comfort and privacy of my own home, I always have someone (well two someones actually) watching me. My little ones are learning, each and every day, how to act by watching me. They watch what I do, they watch what I say, they watch my attitude, my interactions, my moods, and my reactions. I am constantly under scrutiny- and not for criticism's sake, but as a model to two of the most important people in my life.

I saw it even more clearly this past Sunday. It was a fabulous day where we got to celebrate my wonderful hubby for the awesome Father that he is. I am truly blessed to have him on my team in this parenting adventure- he has proved more than once lately that he helps me be what I am all the time. But I digress... so all morning I was telling the kids, "tell Daddy happy Father's Day! Don't forget it is a special day, we need to give him lots of extra love today!" I prompted and urged them, and they would say it whenever prompted, but I was hoping they'd just do it spontaneously, without encouragement. Finally I gave up. It didn't seem to mean the same thing when it was prompted and scripted for them, so I stopped forcing them to say it. But it was still Father's Day, and I was determined to make it special for P. We had a great day together, doing whatever he wanted to do and eating what he wanted to eat. I prayed over our meals and always included a thanks to our heavenly Father for the amazing earthly father who leads our home. I thanked and praised him over and over for specific ways he keeps our family going, and for being the great father that he is. Well, before long the kids were doing it too, without me asking! They saw me lavishing him with praise and thanks and love, and they joined right in. It was awesome, and I hope P felt loved and appreciated.

But the thing I realized most of all out of that day was how much more important it is to model good character than it is to talk about good character. They are watching. They are learning more from what they see me than from what I tell them to do. Wow. What an honor. And what pressure! The Bible says that what is in the heart will come out when your guard is down, and I pray every day that God will grow and change and perfect my heart so that it is completely true to Him. I pray that I can heal and release all of the negative, hurtful, and unGodly things in my heart, so that my little loves will never see them modeled. I pray that, even under pressure, I can be an example of how to live, how to love, and how to serve. So that the scrutiny that I live under every day can be a testimony to God's healing, awesome, uplifting power and the amazing life that comes along with it.

I'm really growing up these days. You know, I thought I was all grown up. But I was wrong. The older my kids get and the more I grow as a Mom, the more I realize how important it is for me to be the best me that I can- the real me that God designed. At home is where my heart is truly growing, changing, and becoming more like God intended. And I am really liking it.

My Whirlwind...

Wow, I've been going, going, going since last Tuesday! I'm exhausted, WAY behind on my household stuff, and just plain ready for a break.

It all started with a wonderful visit with our dear Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin here in Richmond. We spent Wednesday at their home playing, fellowshipping, eating, and just having fun. We unfortunately had to rush home in time for me to have a phone conference that afternoon, and then we spent the evening packing. Thursday morning we loaded up and hit the road early and headed up to Springfield for 7 dentist appointments in under 24 hours. Yes, we do go to Springfield to go to the dentist (some things are worth driving for!) and yes, the four of us did have 7 appointments in under 24 hours- count with me. We all had checkups/cleanings Thursday morning (the first 4 appointments), then we headed back to my mother-in-law's house for lunch. We put the kids down for naps and got things settled there and then P and I headed back to the dentist for appointments #5 & 6. From our last visit to the dentist we knew that I had two fillings that needed attention, and my dear P had 3.What we found out in the morning visit was that P had another 4 areas of concern. So that afternoon I got my 2 spots taken care of and P got 3 of his fixed. We took his Mom out for dinner for her birthday, then got the kids in bed and took a long walk down memory lane for P and his Mom. It was neat to see pictures, toys, and videos of his childhood. Friday morning P got up bright and early again and headed back to the dentist to get 2 more spots taken care of (appointment #7!) Luckily the other two areas are minor enough that they think they may resolve on their own, so my poor husband was finally ready to have feeling back in his face. While he was in the dental chair, the kids, mother-in-law, and I headed out to the stables where she keeps her horse and teaches lessons. On the way I was yawning incessantly, and I couldn't figure out why... other than the fact that I'd been up way late fixing a computer for MIL, but I had a cup of coffee with breakfast just as I always do... until dear MIL announced that she had switched to drinking decaf! Well, I drink half-caff at home, and let me tell you, there is a difference! :)

We had a blast at the stables. MIL arranged for two of the lesson ponies to be available for us to put the kids on, and hubby met us there and got to ride his horse again. This sweet horse has really become his mother's now, but it was the one he rode and showed in competitions during his high school years. The kids took many walks around the ring on those two ponies, and they had so much fun. Brianna even got to sit up on "daddy's horse" and walk a bit. It was a fabulous morning, but a lot of work for a mama to keep up with two preschoolers and groom, tack, and hold onto two ponies at the same time. I was exhausted and a little tense by the time we left. But we all made it home safely, except for my big toe that got squished by a pony, but that's okay.

We got home Friday just in time for dinner, and put the tired kids to bed in their own rooms. We spent Friday night unloading, unpacking, and sorting through the boxes of toys P had brought back with us. Saturday I headed off to work and spent my typical 12 hours of fun in the ER. Sunday morning brought Father's day, and we headed to the early 9am service at church. Afterwards, P wanted to do something fun, so we decided to check out a local pool/water park. Caleb preferred to people-watch from my lap, so I relaxed in the sun while Brianna and P splashed, swam, and took the slides dozens of times all day. We all had a LOT of fun and came home wet, tired, and happy. Sunday evening we spent some time unloading the waterlogged clothes and towels, cleaned up a bit, and visited with our neighbors, enjoying the beautiful summer night on the back porch.

Yesterday morning Brianna and I headed out to her Monday morning horseback riding lesson where we were joined by a friend and her little girl who were previewing the lesson. Brianna had a FABulous ride. I was just so proud of her and amazed at how beautiful she looks up on horseback. After lessons we had to rush home so I could take a quick shower before heading to work. I don't think my patient's would have liked it if I came in smelling like horse dung and hay. Just a guess. I had 17 minutes to clean up, quick change, and get on the road to work. I worked a short 8 hour shift yesterday, then headed straight to a meeting of the church leadership team. I got home around 10:30... and had to spend a long time weeding through my Inbox. I finally headed to bed, just to hear the phone ring around 4:30, poor P got called out by work, and I hope he's still wide awake enough to make it through his day.

Wow... I'm tired just writing it all. And glad to have NOTHING on my calendar today. Now my To-Do list... that is another story. :)

Phew!

Well, we just returned home from an exhausting, whirlwind trip. After 7 dental appointments, a trip to the barn, a dinner out, and a birthday celebration, we're all beat.

I'll update as soon as I can, but for now, just know I'm not abandoning blogging- just tuckered out!
:)

Not me! Tuesday?!?

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! MckMama hosts this fabulous blog carnival every week, and to get myself posting again I thought I'd join in!

First of all, I have to say that I most certainly did not wait until Tuesday to post a Not Me! post! Never! I would never procrastinate and totally miss the point of a carnival by jumping on board way late. And even if I did, I would not wait until almost bedtime on Tuesday night to write said post!

And since we're on the topic of procrastination, I did not wait until the last minute to work on Father's Day gifts... and I did not lock myself in my closet this afternoon, reportedly "reading" while I scrambled to get it done.

I did not walk out to check on my garden in my pajamas today, and I most certainly did not run into my neighbor while wearing those pajamas.

I absolutely did not get off the treadmill and head straight for the fridge tonight, and I certainly did not sit and snack for the rest of the evening. I would never!

Well, this is a totally lame post, one which I would never publish. No! Not Me!

The first fruit...

Well, it is official. I have now eaten something that my garden grew. Today I plucked the first, juicy, ripe tomato off of the vine and devoured it with my lunch! I am, of course, the only one in my house who eats tomatoes, so let's hope that the harvest is plenty enough to keep my voracious tomato appetite satisfied, without overwhelming me. I have 4 tomato plants total: one that will make big yellow tomatoes (the first one to bear a ripened, edible fruit), one that will make big red tomatoes, and two that will make smaller, yellow, pear-shaped fruit. I'm hoping the variety will keep me from getting overwhelmed. Here is the beauty that I ate today:

I'm pretty psyched about my garden. I have always wanted to have one, to grow things that I can actually eat and enjoy. I bought the Square Foot Gardening book many years ago, and tried a few of the ideas in it. But I thought I could still do it my own way, so that attempt really didn't go far. That was my last try for a while, until this year. I decided I was ALL in this time, and I was going to give it a go. So, I bought some wood, built raised boxes for beds, sectioned them off, and started much of my current crop from seed. I did buy the tomatoes, cukes, and peppers already established, but everything else came from seed packets. I have lettuce, spinach, carrots, radishes, marigolds, basil, beans, and sunflowers, all seemingly doing pretty well so far! I am a bit impatient (you'd have never guessed, would you?!?) so it is slow going in my mind, but I guess God knew I needed that "patience" lesson yet again when He prompted me to plant and tend this garden. Hmmm. When will I ever really get that one? :)

It has been fun for all of us to enjoy this garden. Even the kids get excited to see things growing and they thought it was amazing to watch me eat the tomato that they had just seen hanging from the vine moments before. They weren't impressed enough to actually eat some themselves... but that is another story.

In other news, I'm feeling much better today, thank you very much. It is funny how just when you think things are going along great, all of the sudden you get smacked in the face with a no-good, totally awful, exceedingly frustrating, very bad day. Well, at least I do. I don't know if it is Satan knocking at my door, or if it is my own tendency towards pessimism, or if it is just a fact of life here on earth... but I'm definitely subject to getting knocked down every once in a while. The amazing part is that God always helps me back up. He picks me up, brushes off the dirt, cleans up whatever wound I suffered, wraps me in a huge hug, and scoots me back on my way again. New every morning... His love and mercy let me start over every day, fresh and renewed.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it here, but I start my day in the closet every morning. I try to wake up before the rest of the house, I fix my morning cup of coffee (I know, gotta have a vice, and especially now that I'm not pregnant or nursing), and sneak back into my closet. That is where I sit, read my Bible, pray, and study God's word. That is my time with God, my time to recharge, my time to start off on the right foot. It isn't a habit that I developed until recently, but God knows how MUCH I have needed it for too long before I started it. And I am thankful that God has given me the discipline and commitment to do it faithfully. Mornings without my closet would just be a bad start to the day. I have a huge window in my closet, and where I sit the rising sun shines right in to greet me. I see it as it peeks through the clouds and streams through the trees. And as it brightens my little closet, it lights up my mind, chases the darkness and cobwebs of sleep away, and gives me a bright outlook on whatever the day holds. God meets me there, every morning, cheering my soul in a way only He can. Since I've started giving God the "first fruits" of my day, He has multiplied the blessings He showers me with throughout the rest of my waking hours. He truly is so good.

Well, this has turned into a bit of a rambling little post, so before I take you on another tangent, I'll just go enjoy the sun a little. I have some books that have been begging to be read, and some bills that didn't get paid yesterday when I chose sleep over productivity. Have a fruitful day!

I can't do it...

I am sitting here, completely blah.
I am tired. I am frustrated. I am totally unmotivated. I have no less than a half dozen things I could or should be doing, but I can't kick myself into doing a single one of them. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to clean. I don't want to work. I don't want to balance the checkbook. I can't even bring myself to pick up the phone and call a girlfriend who I've been dying to chat with for weeks. All I really want to do is curl up on the couch and close my eyes.

I don't know why. I haven't had a particularly overwhelming week. I haven't had any excessive pressures or demands the past few days. I actually have a dinner out with old friends to look forward to tomorrow night. But, right now, right here, I'm drained. All of the sudden I'm left feeling wiped out.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity," and for me, this time, right now, is for rest. So, my dear friends: happy naptime.

I want to be her...

I was reading Angie's blog today, specifically her post entitled Her, here. Now just to set the record straight, I don't want to be Angie. Let's just get that out there. But I want to be the her that she talks about in that post. I want to make that her a part of my everday life. To be "odd" as my pastor spoke about this past Sunday- to have people around me say "there's just something different about you." To be a voice of encouragement, a touch of love, a song of hope, a breath of peace to the lives that surround me every day- the hearts that I have the honor of touching as I go about my daily activities.

You see, my eyes have been opened a lot lately, to many hurts and needs all around me. I have realized that people I work with are facing struggles that I had no idea existed. Some of them the everyday battles of being a working wife and mother, some of them the temptations and demands of keeping a hectic pace, and yet others the deep, heart wrenching pain and uncertainty of life altering decisions. I have become more tuned in to the heart worries of some of my mommy-friends- feeling the weight of their struggles, the ache of their pains, and the frustrations of their battles. I have had my eyes opened to these and many more places in my daily walk where I can reach out, dig in, set an example, share a story, or offer hope. I have been faced with the realization that there are pains all around me, and that God needs hands here on this earth to work through, mouths to speak through, words to move through.

I want to be used. I want to be her as Angie said... to let God use my hands to touch someone and let them feel His healing power. I want to be a vessel for Him, a witness, an example, an encourager, a healer, a helper, a lover. I want to tell everyone around me how amazing His love is, how strong His power is, how healing His mercy is, and how perfect His will is. I want His light, His love, His heart to shine through me and touch everyone within my reach. I pray that He would take the me away, and fill me with her. Fill me with the her that He designed me to be so much that the me no longer has a place in my heart. I want to be the selfless servant that God intended for me, so that His will is best reflected in my actions and in my life. What an honor, to be the hands and feet of our precious Lord. I want to be her!

Nevermind

I was just going to write this huge long story about my day yesterday. I was going to tell you all about how I got my feelings hurt and had a tough day. I was going to whine about things other people did and said, and how I let them get to me and bug me.

But I changed my mind. I have to do that sometimes. Change my mind. If I don't I will find myself wallowing in self pity or sinking into a state of maudlin mood and woe. So I changed my mind. Not only about writing out the (really insignificant) story, but about how it affected me. I will not let something so earthly and meaningless make me question myself.

So... I had a great day today! The drama at church went FANtastic (if I do say so myself- which is probably really wrong since it was a monologue. Done by me. But it did go really well!) I got to spend some time with my family while they had lunch, tuck my kids into their beds for naps, and then I spent some time visiting with some amazing women from MOPs and eating (waaay too much) yummy food. Afterwards I came home and had a spectacular time playing with my own two kids AND my two beautiful nieces! I have the pleasure of enjoying my sister's two girls while she and her husband, her in-laws, and her two sons go on a fishing trip! The kids LOVED playing with their cousins, they delighted in a bath together, and now they are all tucked in and sleeping soundly. Ahhhh...

God is so good. He reminds me day after day that His love is all that I need. His grace is enough. His delight in me sustains me, and the hurts of this world fall away.

Every day

So I have really grown a lot over the past few years. The whole motherhood thing has shaken up my life and rearranged my perspective. God has used it, and many other things in my life, to help me really see some truths that I had been ignoring for so long. I have healed, I have grown, I have learned, I have cried, I have rejoiced. And it is barely getting started. I know so well now that God is molding and shaping me every day into what He wants in me. And some of the lessons are hard, some are recurrent, some are painful, but some are beautiful. Like this one.

You see, I've always known that when things got rough I should get on my knees. It is easy to need God and reach out to Him in the trials and the heartaches of life. That part I got many years ago. But what God had to reveal to me in a joyful little "ah-ha!" recently was that I need Him every day! And not only do I need Him, but He is right there with me, an ever present friend, all day, every day. Now don't get me wrong. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and knew all along that He was living in me. I kinda got that whole thing. But I never got the closeness, the comraderie, the every day deep seated very real need to have an intimacy and dialogue with Him every step of the way.

Maybe I'm not really doing this justice because it seemed so clear and so exciting when God revealed it to me, but as I type it just seems like 'duh!' But it is amazing to me to live my every day knowing that God loves me, that He is watching my every move, that I can turn to Him with a whisper or a shout, a song or a cry, and that He is right there ready to pick me up and dance me around the room. Isn't that amazing?! This big, awesome God doesn't wait until we're in crisis to check on us. He doesn't get too busy with other things to look down on us. He takes time to enjoy our happy days as well as our sad ones, our busy days and our lazy days, our ups and our downs. He's right there. He wants to be my best friend, and yours.

I need Him, every day, every step, every moment, every milestone. And He meets me right where I am. How awesome is that?!

Not Me! Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! MckMama has this fabulous habit of making me feel more human. So for the first time, I decided to join in the Not Me! Monday! carnival.

First of all, I do not ever have anything to say in this type of carnival. I would never be anything less than a perfect, flawless creature.

So you would completely understand that I definitely did not tell my son yesterday to wait until I had the flour mixed in before licking the cookie dough straight from the bowl. I would not allow him to stick his fingers in there, flour or no flour! And this morning when we arrived at the barn I did not allow my 3 year old to use the port-a-john because I did not forget to make her pee before we left our own home, a mere 10 minutes away. Furthermore I would have never had to go so bad that I couldn’t wait for her to finish, and I did not drop trou and squat over the urinal part of said port-a-john to relieve myself because I would never forget to go at home myself! And since we’re on the topic of her riding lessons, I did not, by any means, compare the “safety knot” used to tie the horse in her stall to the “quick release knot” I had tied two days before to restrain a ventilated patient’s hands. Never! Not me!

After riding lessons I certainly did not allow my kids to have a race down the aisle of the grocery store while using boxes of pasta as maracas. And it certainly was not me who stood in the doorway of the grocery store bathroom with my cart while I did not allow my three year old to use a stall without help or supervision. No way, not me!

I do not think I will start keeping a list of my favorite stories because I have not said out loud, “this belongs on Not Me! Monday” during the week. I would never have stories that would be at all interesting for that sort of thing!