So I feel a bit crazy. Like I'm riding this out of control roller coaster, cresting these hills only to plummet once again. Hoping for the safety of the turnstiles while still thrilled by the excitement of the ride (well, excitement coupled with sheer terror, if that makes any sense at all). I'm holding on, white knuckled, eyes wide in anticipation, fear, excitement, adrenaline. As I think through the experience of riding a coaster and how it seems to correlate with my life, I come to some interesting realizations.
First and foremost, I want my life to be more progressive than a coaster. Not that zipping along at high speeds isn't "moving." It certainly is movement at it's most exhilarating. But movement doesn't always imply progress, unfortunately. If you think about it, you can really enjoy a coaster. You can enjoy it over and over. But it will never change. The track takes you back to the same station every time. You crest the same hills, fly over the same track. Over and over you will circle, never really going anywhere. Even the most exciting coaster would start to get old, boring, complacent even after a couple dozen loops, don't you think? I don't want infinite circles of the same track for my life. I want to go somewhere. Mentally, physically, spiritually... I want to be transformed continually, becoming more and more like what God wants me to be every day. Sure, I am who I am, and there is such JOY in being me (when I remember to BE... see yesterday's post). And there are things about me - talents, gifts, habits, hurts, characteristics that God molded into me that will always be a part of the very fiber of my being. But I am so imperfect, and God knows it. He told me that He'd be spending a lifetime working on me, if only I'd let Him- and that He would carry on that work until the day of completion in Christ. So I don't want to be stuck in an endless loop. I want to be learning, growing, stretching, morphing into His plan for my life.
The second lesson (and this one slapped me across the face... and trust me, it hurt- but aren't those the best kind?) that God placed on my heart was about trust. When that roller coaster gets terrifying (in a thrilling way... sick, huh), I never question whether or not I'll make it back to the station. I never try to steer the car in another direction, or find a way to apply brakes to the train. Sure, I may hold on for dear life. I may scream a little or even give the restraint a quick tug-check. But I just believe in the safety of the design. I trust that the car will stay on track, that I will stay in my seat, that the brakes will work when they are supposed to, and that the forces at work will all come together to make for a thrilling but safe ride. So why is it so hard for me to trust God with the same child-like faith? Why do I try to manipulate my position to find a place that feels "safer" to me? Why do I try to slam on brakes that don't exist or that I have no control over? Why do I look all around me for reassurances that the track will still be there and my car will stay on it? Why can't I just sit tight, hold on to Him for dear life, and enjoy the thrill and terror and exhiliration and blessing of life here on earth. When I'm riding that roller coaster, I just know that I am safe. My mind doesn't question it. And when I'm sitting in my closet at 6:30am every day with my coffee and my Bible I know I am safe. It is the safest, most peaceful, most fulfilling, most essential part of my day. If only I could carry that same faith and peace and trust with me in all hours of my life. I wouldn't have to look anywhere else for safety or fulfillment or affirmation... because there is only one place where I am safe. One place to be fulfilled. One power that can affirm me. And He's with me all the time.
So as I do this thing we call life, my prayer is that I learn to live my life like a roller coaster... with unquestioning faith and trust. But that I never let myself live like a roller coaster... repeating the same mistakes and habits or becoming complacent in my walk. And hopefully I'll learn to enjoy the terrifying thrills with sheer abandon, while always seeking the next coaster along the way.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
No matter what...
God has a funny way of keeping me straight. And I have a bad habit of needing to be taught the same thing over and over...
So lately I've had a lot going on. Needless to say anyone would agree that I've had good right to be overwhelmed, anxious, moody. But several things have really come together for me recently and my perspective has opened up so beautifully. You see, I'm finally realizing that worrying about something, being anxious or overwhelmed is just a futile attempt to wrestle control of my circumstances from God. Who am I to think that any worry I have will change a minute of my future. God has it all mapped out already. Sure, it may be tough. Of course there will be hard times, painful times, frustrating times. But God planned those too. And He will not move through them. He will be right by my side, walking with me, carrying me through each of those moments- if only I will wrap my arms around his neck and hold on tight.
You see, I have allowed myself to over analyze, to evaluate and plan, to estimate and manipulate as much as I possibly could to try to make things easier. Or to try to figure out what is coming next, or where I will end up next year. I have worried, and stressed, and complained, and cried over things that I had no control over and no influence on... and not one ounce of my effort made any difference in the outcome. I've prayed and cried and pleaded my case before God, begging Him to take away my pain, or to at least give me a glimpse of hope for what lies ahead beyond it. And sure, He could take it all away in a blink. He could spare me the tough times and get rid of my challenges. But I would miss the lessons learned in living through the struggles. I'd miss an opportunity to grow closer to Him as I learn to trust in His provision and keep my faith in His providence. I would never be able to say "I know" because I really wouldn't. So I rejoice in the plans He has for me.
And I am me. I am who He made me. I am everything He planned for me to be... and there is great JOY in that. I bake cookies and feed my kids the cookie dough. I sing songs at the top of my lungs and giggle with my kids as we dance around the kitchen with cleaning supplies. I take pictures all the time with any quality, size, or output camera I can get my hands on. I snuggle with all that I have and I breathe deeply when I'm holding someone I love, trying to let their scent permeate my soul, leaving an imprint of my love for them deep in my senses. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the busy, or the worry, or the trying... that I forget to just BE. I forget the things that make me ME... the little things that make up my every day.
So I'm remembering to trust in Him. To know He's got it. To believe and trust and love Him no matter what. And to always BE the me He made me... for there is joy in me.
So lately I've had a lot going on. Needless to say anyone would agree that I've had good right to be overwhelmed, anxious, moody. But several things have really come together for me recently and my perspective has opened up so beautifully. You see, I'm finally realizing that worrying about something, being anxious or overwhelmed is just a futile attempt to wrestle control of my circumstances from God. Who am I to think that any worry I have will change a minute of my future. God has it all mapped out already. Sure, it may be tough. Of course there will be hard times, painful times, frustrating times. But God planned those too. And He will not move through them. He will be right by my side, walking with me, carrying me through each of those moments- if only I will wrap my arms around his neck and hold on tight.
You see, I have allowed myself to over analyze, to evaluate and plan, to estimate and manipulate as much as I possibly could to try to make things easier. Or to try to figure out what is coming next, or where I will end up next year. I have worried, and stressed, and complained, and cried over things that I had no control over and no influence on... and not one ounce of my effort made any difference in the outcome. I've prayed and cried and pleaded my case before God, begging Him to take away my pain, or to at least give me a glimpse of hope for what lies ahead beyond it. And sure, He could take it all away in a blink. He could spare me the tough times and get rid of my challenges. But I would miss the lessons learned in living through the struggles. I'd miss an opportunity to grow closer to Him as I learn to trust in His provision and keep my faith in His providence. I would never be able to say "I know" because I really wouldn't. So I rejoice in the plans He has for me.
And I am me. I am who He made me. I am everything He planned for me to be... and there is great JOY in that. I bake cookies and feed my kids the cookie dough. I sing songs at the top of my lungs and giggle with my kids as we dance around the kitchen with cleaning supplies. I take pictures all the time with any quality, size, or output camera I can get my hands on. I snuggle with all that I have and I breathe deeply when I'm holding someone I love, trying to let their scent permeate my soul, leaving an imprint of my love for them deep in my senses. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the busy, or the worry, or the trying... that I forget to just BE. I forget the things that make me ME... the little things that make up my every day.
So I'm remembering to trust in Him. To know He's got it. To believe and trust and love Him no matter what. And to always BE the me He made me... for there is joy in me.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Take two
So I've been learning a lot lately about how things don't always go as I had planned them. Someone told me once that every time you make a 5-year plan God throws you a curve ball. I am learning more and more how true this is. I'm learning that walking by faith means trusting that God has so much more for me than a 5-year plan. That He has a future for me where I live a life of fullness. Living each day trying to control or manipulate or figure out my own life is pointless, frustrating, detrimental even. But looking moment by moment to Him and living in His plans will bring me freedom from being responsible for my own tomorrows, and confident that my life will be all He designed it to be.
But this lesson isn't easy. I have made many plans for my life through the years. I've lived with expectations, with goals, with dreams of what I thought life should look like. And times have come and gone where I felt like I've failed in some goal, or fallen short in my accomplishments, or missed out on something I expected to come. Often this makes me try harder, fight tougher, manipulate and control things to try to stuff my current situation into the framework of my own flawed ideas for how things should be. You see, I read recently that God is most powerfully present even when he seems most apparently absent. So instead perhaps I should have been accepting this deviation from my own plan as God's message that it is not my plans, but His that will guide my life. He told me that He has plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a future. So why should I try to force my life to fit some picture my small, earthly brain envisioned?
But it can be heartbreaking to let go of a dream, frustrating to fall short of a goal, disappointing to experience an unmet expectation. Sometimes our ideas of life seem so good, so happy, so perfect, that we want to believe they came straight from Him. We want to see them come to fruition, to let them play out the way we imagine them to. And when we get the message, no matter how clear, that this isn't exactly how God planned it, we can have trouble letting go of what we believed was our destiny. We can let our circumstances cause us to question God... "why CAN'T I have it this way God?" "Can't you see that this would make me happy?" "What else could be better than this, just let me do it my way!" One response is to blame God, to pull away, to pull into ourselves and avoid hearing His message. But I learned recently that we have the opportunity to chose intimacy with God over our circumstances in every situation. Only in letting go of our own ideas and turning to God, truly trusting Him, drawing into Him, and letting Him lead the way, can we be free from our own disappointment.
Our other problem is that we want to hide. We don't want anyone to see that we failed. We don't want to admit that we had misguided dreams or unrealistic expectations. We want to put the happy face on for the world, and pretend like we have it all together. We want everyone around us to think we are already walking in the peace and confidence that we can only dream of. So we hide, we cover up, we bear our burdens alone. We don't talk about our dreams, especially when they are shattered. We don't share our hurts or or hopes, we don't admit our weaknesses or our wounds. We fight vulnerability and we pretend to need noone. But we can't ever expect to build authentic community with other believers without opening up our hearts, tearing down the walls, and living openly. Once we admit that we've had broken dreams, it frees everyone around us to admit that they have too. It opens up a pathway of communicaton that can only draw us closer together. And God wants community here on earth. He wants us to help one another, to draw from each other's strengths, to support and encourage each other. He said a cord of three strands is not easily broken. In breaking down the walls and entwining our hearts with other believers we can become stronger in our faith.
But this lesson isn't easy. I have made many plans for my life through the years. I've lived with expectations, with goals, with dreams of what I thought life should look like. And times have come and gone where I felt like I've failed in some goal, or fallen short in my accomplishments, or missed out on something I expected to come. Often this makes me try harder, fight tougher, manipulate and control things to try to stuff my current situation into the framework of my own flawed ideas for how things should be. You see, I read recently that God is most powerfully present even when he seems most apparently absent. So instead perhaps I should have been accepting this deviation from my own plan as God's message that it is not my plans, but His that will guide my life. He told me that He has plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a future. So why should I try to force my life to fit some picture my small, earthly brain envisioned?
But it can be heartbreaking to let go of a dream, frustrating to fall short of a goal, disappointing to experience an unmet expectation. Sometimes our ideas of life seem so good, so happy, so perfect, that we want to believe they came straight from Him. We want to see them come to fruition, to let them play out the way we imagine them to. And when we get the message, no matter how clear, that this isn't exactly how God planned it, we can have trouble letting go of what we believed was our destiny. We can let our circumstances cause us to question God... "why CAN'T I have it this way God?" "Can't you see that this would make me happy?" "What else could be better than this, just let me do it my way!" One response is to blame God, to pull away, to pull into ourselves and avoid hearing His message. But I learned recently that we have the opportunity to chose intimacy with God over our circumstances in every situation. Only in letting go of our own ideas and turning to God, truly trusting Him, drawing into Him, and letting Him lead the way, can we be free from our own disappointment.
Our other problem is that we want to hide. We don't want anyone to see that we failed. We don't want to admit that we had misguided dreams or unrealistic expectations. We want to put the happy face on for the world, and pretend like we have it all together. We want everyone around us to think we are already walking in the peace and confidence that we can only dream of. So we hide, we cover up, we bear our burdens alone. We don't talk about our dreams, especially when they are shattered. We don't share our hurts or or hopes, we don't admit our weaknesses or our wounds. We fight vulnerability and we pretend to need noone. But we can't ever expect to build authentic community with other believers without opening up our hearts, tearing down the walls, and living openly. Once we admit that we've had broken dreams, it frees everyone around us to admit that they have too. It opens up a pathway of communicaton that can only draw us closer together. And God wants community here on earth. He wants us to help one another, to draw from each other's strengths, to support and encourage each other. He said a cord of three strands is not easily broken. In breaking down the walls and entwining our hearts with other believers we can become stronger in our faith.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
He loves me outrageously
So another year of MOPs comes to a close today. We had our final MOPs meeting this morning in the form of a fantastic waffle brunch with some amazing time of fellowship and sharing. As we bid farewell to this year, we also bid farewell to our precious mentor mom, Beth. Beth has been an amazing source of genuine, authentic, God-inspired love and support to every one of us this year. She has blessed us over and over again with her wisdom and her messages (that have often spoken straight into the depths of my heart), and beyond that with her true love and concern for each of us. She will be missed tremendously... but she didn't leave without blowing our minds (and speaking to my soul) one last time. And this time she didn't even use her own words. She shared two videos with us, but the one that really shook me up was one with words by Graham Cooke from "Inheritance." In this powerful message I was reminded that God loves me 100%. He loves me exactly as I am, right now. Not the way I want to be, not the way I see myself. But just as I am. He won't love me any more or any less if I change the way that I am, or look, or act. He loves me 100%. Not because of anything I've done. There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more, and nothing I can do that will make Him love me less. Isn't that amazing? He loves me 100%... because He loves me, because He loves me, because He loves me. Because it is His nature to love. He loves me with a radical love that I can not even understand, He loves me outrageously, and He wants me to overflow with that outrageous love and love Him back. But, and this is the part that really struck me, I can only love Him as much as I love myself. Wow.... what terrible limits to set on the outrageous love I could otherwise give back to Him. How can I let my own insecurities and negative self images stand between me and loving my God, who loves me 100%, outrageously, because He just DOES. But the good news is that He wants to set me free from myself. Graham reminds me that God wants to free me from how I see myself, from the smallness of my thinking about myself, from shame, and low self esteem, and despair... He wants to break down every barrier and in His love, to make me feel good about myself.
How amazing is that message? That my God- who has plenty to keep Him busy, wants to take the time to delight in me. He makes Himself available to me, completely, any day, all the time, in every way. He wants to hold me close, to shake up my world, to chase away the things that hold me back. He wants me to call on Him, so that He can shower me with his 100%, unconditional, always in abundance love. Because He just loves me. And in the self loathing, in the despair, in the sorrow that I allow myself to wallow in, I am only cheating Him by limiting the love I can return to Him. I am hurting Him by not appreciating and rejoicing in His love and His delight in me. And if only I will allow Him in, He'll chase away all of the fear, dobut, insecurity, and pain. He'll fill me up as only He can, and He'll show me how to receive His outrageous love. He'll widen my ability to acecpt it, and He'll expand my area to share it. And His outrageous, life-changing love will flow freely through me, in a way I have yet to even imagine. Wow.
How amazing is that message? That my God- who has plenty to keep Him busy, wants to take the time to delight in me. He makes Himself available to me, completely, any day, all the time, in every way. He wants to hold me close, to shake up my world, to chase away the things that hold me back. He wants me to call on Him, so that He can shower me with his 100%, unconditional, always in abundance love. Because He just loves me. And in the self loathing, in the despair, in the sorrow that I allow myself to wallow in, I am only cheating Him by limiting the love I can return to Him. I am hurting Him by not appreciating and rejoicing in His love and His delight in me. And if only I will allow Him in, He'll chase away all of the fear, dobut, insecurity, and pain. He'll fill me up as only He can, and He'll show me how to receive His outrageous love. He'll widen my ability to acecpt it, and He'll expand my area to share it. And His outrageous, life-changing love will flow freely through me, in a way I have yet to even imagine. Wow.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Dreams
So I've been thinking lately about dreaming. About how wonderful it is to imagine the things God has in store, to anticipate and eagerly await the wonders that He has planned for us. Not to forget about the joys of today, but to rest in the promises that tomorrow will come anew and that His love for us and his joy for us will grow with each day. But there is an inherent problem here for me. You see, too often in this world my dreams turn quickly into hopes. I start to imagine how I would see my future- what I would choose for my tomorrow, and my dream turns into a hope for that specific thing or situation. Any sign that this hope may be fulfilled excites me, encourages me, fuels my desire. And soon my hopes turn to expectations. Expectations that my plan for the next step will come to fruition, that my desires will be met in the way I think they should be, that my agenda will be followed as I set it. Then the tide turns, my expectations go unmet, my hopes unfulfilled, and my dreams that once brought me joy and anticipation now bring me nothing more than disappointment and despair. My heart breaks, my hopes are shattered, I question my worth, my abilities, even my security in God's promises. And I'm left pondering if it was ever worth dreaming to begin with...
But the problem is not in the dreaming. You see, I believe that God wants us to dream. He wouldn't have promised us hope, a future, joy, life to the fullest if He didn't want us to believe that it would come, look forward to it with anticipation and excitement. But for me I think the problems start when I begin to replace my dreams of God's plans with hopes in my own ideas. When I start thinking I can see past the next minute, when I start pretending I have any control over what tomorrow will bring, when I start setting up my own guidelines for how that joy should look or how that fullness should feel. Once I have put my hopes in my own ideas, then I am walking outside of His promises. I am expecting something that He never told me He'd give. And worse, this often involves putting my hopes and expectations into something or someone here on this earth. And I've learned too many times that we are all human. We WILL all fail. I will fail, and so will everyone I come into contact with. Only God is God, and when I start putting hope in things or people instead of fully in Him I WILL be let down. I will fall, because the things of this earth were not meant to hold me up. People will come and go. They will surprise, and encourage, and love, and lift up. But they will also fail. Because only God can hold the gigantic expanse of my insecurities. Only God can fill the enormous void in my heart. Only God can heal the depths of my wounded soul.
So I'm praying hard right now. My initial response is to just give up, stop dreaming. To settle for the mundane, never hoping for "fullness." For if we never dream we can never be disappointed. It is safe to just accept things as they are, to just "get by" and never take the risk for something more. It has worked before, for me and for many others in this life. But no matter how many times I try to ignore the dreams, they still stir in my heart. God brings them back to the surface, whispers gently to me, nudges me to delight in them. I'm praying that I would learn to dream without allowing my own hopes and expectations to take over. To dream only of what God reveals to me, to continually gaze into His eyes as he slowly tells me the story of my life, to hold tight to His hand as He walks (and sometimes dances) me through it. For only in letting go of the responsibility of making my own agenda can I relax and enjoy the one He has already made for me. And I'm quite sure that His is much more fun anyway.
But the problem is not in the dreaming. You see, I believe that God wants us to dream. He wouldn't have promised us hope, a future, joy, life to the fullest if He didn't want us to believe that it would come, look forward to it with anticipation and excitement. But for me I think the problems start when I begin to replace my dreams of God's plans with hopes in my own ideas. When I start thinking I can see past the next minute, when I start pretending I have any control over what tomorrow will bring, when I start setting up my own guidelines for how that joy should look or how that fullness should feel. Once I have put my hopes in my own ideas, then I am walking outside of His promises. I am expecting something that He never told me He'd give. And worse, this often involves putting my hopes and expectations into something or someone here on this earth. And I've learned too many times that we are all human. We WILL all fail. I will fail, and so will everyone I come into contact with. Only God is God, and when I start putting hope in things or people instead of fully in Him I WILL be let down. I will fall, because the things of this earth were not meant to hold me up. People will come and go. They will surprise, and encourage, and love, and lift up. But they will also fail. Because only God can hold the gigantic expanse of my insecurities. Only God can fill the enormous void in my heart. Only God can heal the depths of my wounded soul.
So I'm praying hard right now. My initial response is to just give up, stop dreaming. To settle for the mundane, never hoping for "fullness." For if we never dream we can never be disappointed. It is safe to just accept things as they are, to just "get by" and never take the risk for something more. It has worked before, for me and for many others in this life. But no matter how many times I try to ignore the dreams, they still stir in my heart. God brings them back to the surface, whispers gently to me, nudges me to delight in them. I'm praying that I would learn to dream without allowing my own hopes and expectations to take over. To dream only of what God reveals to me, to continually gaze into His eyes as he slowly tells me the story of my life, to hold tight to His hand as He walks (and sometimes dances) me through it. For only in letting go of the responsibility of making my own agenda can I relax and enjoy the one He has already made for me. And I'm quite sure that His is much more fun anyway.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Right?
So what defines right anyway? I mean, in most situations that we face in this life there are many different approaches we could take, many various decisions we could make, and several potential outcomes that could be realized. And sure, there are some societal expectations for what is acceptable or good, or conversely unacceptable or frowned upon. But when you really think about it, who defines what is the "right" answer in any situation? Who gets to choose which road is the best one, which outcome is the correct one. And is there really a "correct" answer to most of what we face in life? I'm starting to realize as I get deeper into this life God gave me, that we don't get to decide for anyone but ourselves. I mean, really: who knows the intricate details of any given situation as well as the person(s) involved? Who knows the past influences that each party is affected by, who knows the current challenges that each one faces, who knows the future hopes, dreams, fears that rest on a decision except the one(s) making it. So we can look from the outside of someone else's choice, and we can label it "wrong" or "bad" or any other adjective (including "right" or "smart") all we want. But do we have the authority to judge anyone else? You see, I am learning more personally that the right to judge really doesn't exist here on this earth. God is the one who is in control. He is the only one who knows the plans He has for us, and how they will come to be. He is the one who gave us the free will to make choices, and He is the only one who sits on His throne with the authority to judge our actions.
So I pray now that as I see decisions people have made or are making, that I would be slow to judge, quick to accept, and persistent in loving no matter what the outcome or affect on my life. But moreso, I pray that as I face decisions, choices, changes, that God would hold me close to His heart. That I would look only to Him for guidance in my actions, that I would seek affirmation only in His love, approval only in His law, and that I would yield only to His judgement as each decision passes. For only He knows the deepest desires of my heart, only He can see the darkest corners of my soul, only He knows where He is leading me and the joyful, glorious future He has planned for me. And only He can decide how I will get there. I pray that He brings me through, protected and strong, to the joy and peace that He has waiting for me on the other side of this life.
So I pray now that as I see decisions people have made or are making, that I would be slow to judge, quick to accept, and persistent in loving no matter what the outcome or affect on my life. But moreso, I pray that as I face decisions, choices, changes, that God would hold me close to His heart. That I would look only to Him for guidance in my actions, that I would seek affirmation only in His love, approval only in His law, and that I would yield only to His judgement as each decision passes. For only He knows the deepest desires of my heart, only He can see the darkest corners of my soul, only He knows where He is leading me and the joyful, glorious future He has planned for me. And only He can decide how I will get there. I pray that He brings me through, protected and strong, to the joy and peace that He has waiting for me on the other side of this life.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Fly a kite...
Life is sailing along, like a kite soaring in the breeze. Sometimes I feel like I'm flying higher than I ever dreamed, caught up in a glorious gust, looking out over the beautiful world, the wind rushing by me and the sun on my back. Then, in an instant the wind shifts, the swell slows, and the kite starts to dive. Sometimes just a little dip, perhaps a fun little spin or two, and then back up to soaring height. Other times a full nose dive ensues... my kite plummeting dangerously towards the sandy beach below, holding tight to the string that both keeps it grounded and helps it soar. But my God is faithful, and just as a crashing impact with the hard ground seems inevitable, the wind shifts again, He blows life into the folds of the kite, and the nose turns upward to soar once again. His grace appears fresh and new, the wind lifts and spreads the fabric, and my kite sails upwards into the breezes of hope, joy, and faith.
Sometimes my faith feels as fragile as that tiny kite string seems, holding the kite as it flies higher and higher. It provides the stability against the wind that keeps the kite high in the air. It provides the tether, the anchor that keeps me from floating aimlessly into the clouds. Yet it is so much smaller than it seems it should be. I would rather hold on to a thick, tough rope, something that would reassure me that it would not break, something that would seem substantial and secure. But a thick heavy rope would weigh the kite down and keep it from flying. It would hinder, yay even prevent what it is designed to help accomplish. But don't we often want more reassurance than what a tiny strand seems to offer? But as we start to trust, allow our kite to fly, we see that this tiny, seemingly fragile strand can, and does, hold us firmly. That it does not snap under the strength of the wind and the twists, turns, and flips life takes us through. It is enough to hold us, if we trust that it will.
Sometimes it is so easy, so glorious to get caught up in the soaring that we want to let go of the strand. To soar up higher, and higher, reaching for the next gust of wind, aiming for the next level of height. But without that tether our kite couldn't stay afloat. Without the anchor God provides, we wouldn't be able to soar. Sure, we'd get blown around by the wind for a time, perhaps even climbing a bit higher. But soon enough the kite would get tossed about by the wind, collapsing onto itself, dropping dangerously from the sky, completely at the whim of the worldly forces. And with no counter resistance to pull it back afloat, our kite would crash into the rocky earth below and shatter into a broken heap. Without holding on to the promises of His word we risk floating off dangerously on our own. You see the thread that seems to sometimes hold us back, really keeps us alive.
So I pray that God helps me soar. That I trust enough to let out lots of kite string and fly higher and higher, reach the peaks of joy while trusting in Him to keep me soaring. But that I would never let go of Him as my anchor, that I would stay tethered in His will. That I can truly enjoy the exhiliration of flying so high that my heart races, while remaining secure in my faith that He is holding me safely in His hands.
Sometimes my faith feels as fragile as that tiny kite string seems, holding the kite as it flies higher and higher. It provides the stability against the wind that keeps the kite high in the air. It provides the tether, the anchor that keeps me from floating aimlessly into the clouds. Yet it is so much smaller than it seems it should be. I would rather hold on to a thick, tough rope, something that would reassure me that it would not break, something that would seem substantial and secure. But a thick heavy rope would weigh the kite down and keep it from flying. It would hinder, yay even prevent what it is designed to help accomplish. But don't we often want more reassurance than what a tiny strand seems to offer? But as we start to trust, allow our kite to fly, we see that this tiny, seemingly fragile strand can, and does, hold us firmly. That it does not snap under the strength of the wind and the twists, turns, and flips life takes us through. It is enough to hold us, if we trust that it will.
Sometimes it is so easy, so glorious to get caught up in the soaring that we want to let go of the strand. To soar up higher, and higher, reaching for the next gust of wind, aiming for the next level of height. But without that tether our kite couldn't stay afloat. Without the anchor God provides, we wouldn't be able to soar. Sure, we'd get blown around by the wind for a time, perhaps even climbing a bit higher. But soon enough the kite would get tossed about by the wind, collapsing onto itself, dropping dangerously from the sky, completely at the whim of the worldly forces. And with no counter resistance to pull it back afloat, our kite would crash into the rocky earth below and shatter into a broken heap. Without holding on to the promises of His word we risk floating off dangerously on our own. You see the thread that seems to sometimes hold us back, really keeps us alive.
So I pray that God helps me soar. That I trust enough to let out lots of kite string and fly higher and higher, reach the peaks of joy while trusting in Him to keep me soaring. But that I would never let go of Him as my anchor, that I would stay tethered in His will. That I can truly enjoy the exhiliration of flying so high that my heart races, while remaining secure in my faith that He is holding me safely in His hands.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
To Quiet my Quiet...
I've begun to realize that I'm too busy. Ok, news flash this is NOT... anyone who knows me knows that I'm always too busy. But lately even my quiet time in the mornings isn't as quiet as it used to be. Now don't get me wrong, if you stand outside the door to my closet you won't hear a thing. But inside my head the gears are flying and my thoughts hit near warp speed. Sure, I read my daily devotional. And yes, I still spend time in The Word. But I'm distracted, preoccupied, consumed with thoughts, stressors, worries, plans, lists... all of the pressing needs of the day haunt me before I even get it started. So I want to quiet my quiet time.
I want to settle those thoughts, postpone the anxieties, release the fears... I want to spend time delighting in my Heavely Father, rejoicing at His feet, and dancing in his presence. If you pray, would you ask that God calm the storm in my mind, settle the waves in my heart, and allow me to refocus on Him, throughout my day, but especially during that precious hour I spend with Him every morning? I no longer want my quiet to be so loud...
I want to settle those thoughts, postpone the anxieties, release the fears... I want to spend time delighting in my Heavely Father, rejoicing at His feet, and dancing in his presence. If you pray, would you ask that God calm the storm in my mind, settle the waves in my heart, and allow me to refocus on Him, throughout my day, but especially during that precious hour I spend with Him every morning? I no longer want my quiet to be so loud...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Memories
Some good, comforting, encouraging, uplifting.
Some clouds of opression.
Sweeping in when you least expect: with a song. A smell. A feeling.
Reminders of different times. Unmet expectations. Lost dreams. Failed attempts. Broken trust.
Helpful? Encouraging? Convicting? Exposing? Reminding?
Memories...
Some clouds of opression.
Sweeping in when you least expect: with a song. A smell. A feeling.
Reminders of different times. Unmet expectations. Lost dreams. Failed attempts. Broken trust.
Helpful? Encouraging? Convicting? Exposing? Reminding?
Memories...
Monday, March 15, 2010
Vulnerable
I'm realizing more and more as time goes on that I hide way too much. Sure, here on this blog I share some things that are more personal. And occasionally one of my posts gets shared with a group of friends during a meeting or some other gathering. But to really open up my heart, even to a few of my closest friends, has been a tough thing to do. Sure, there is my sister (who I will talk to about ANYTHING). And my bff from high school (again... she gets the nitty gritty). But even those relationships ebb and flow. And time pressures and kid distractions get in the way, and sometimes I go days without opening up to anyone here on earth. Thankfully I have gotten much better in my morning time with God, and my "closet time" keeps me going. But I'm starting to realize that even the girlfriends who I meet occasionally for coffe don't truly *know* me the way they should. And it isn't their fault. I hide, even from them.
I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to feel lonely when I need a friend. I don't want to pretend to have it all together because when I need to I want to be able to fall apart. I shared my desire and prompting to more transparency with a group of friends, and then more in depth with one in particular recently. She agreed that I have been really good at projecting the "together" image... she had NO idea the pain, insecurity, and hurt that lies beneath my mask. She encouraged me to open up more, to deepen friendships, to share my story in a whole new way. I'm excited at the idea. Sure, I'm scared to death. I am scared nobody will have time to listen, or nobody will care, or that whoever does will eventually decide I'm not worth the time. Or that I'll invest in deepening a friendship, making myself vulnerable and open, and then that friendship will come to a sudden end for some unforseen reason. But if, in the meantime, it means that I will be able to show His strength through my own weakness... if it means that He will be able to shine through my pain, to speak through my tears... then I will rip off whatever shroud I've been wrapping. I will move every brick, and I will bare my heart for the world to see and learn from. It may take some time. And I may backslide. But I want the world to know that I'm not "fantastic."
I'm imperfect.
I'm broken.
I'm a sinner.
I'm hurting.
I'm learning.
I'm making mistakes.
I'm saved by grace. Forgiven. Loved.
I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to feel lonely when I need a friend. I don't want to pretend to have it all together because when I need to I want to be able to fall apart. I shared my desire and prompting to more transparency with a group of friends, and then more in depth with one in particular recently. She agreed that I have been really good at projecting the "together" image... she had NO idea the pain, insecurity, and hurt that lies beneath my mask. She encouraged me to open up more, to deepen friendships, to share my story in a whole new way. I'm excited at the idea. Sure, I'm scared to death. I am scared nobody will have time to listen, or nobody will care, or that whoever does will eventually decide I'm not worth the time. Or that I'll invest in deepening a friendship, making myself vulnerable and open, and then that friendship will come to a sudden end for some unforseen reason. But if, in the meantime, it means that I will be able to show His strength through my own weakness... if it means that He will be able to shine through my pain, to speak through my tears... then I will rip off whatever shroud I've been wrapping. I will move every brick, and I will bare my heart for the world to see and learn from. It may take some time. And I may backslide. But I want the world to know that I'm not "fantastic."
I'm imperfect.
I'm broken.
I'm a sinner.
I'm hurting.
I'm learning.
I'm making mistakes.
I'm saved by grace. Forgiven. Loved.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
More about me...
Wanna know more about me?
I'm totally insane. Really! I'm definitely whacked. Especially when I'm tired, or scared, or nervous, or some combination of the above. For me, life hasn't exactly been "charmed" or "easy." I've gotten good at hiding a lot, and good or bad, it works (most of the time... or at least I can pretend that it does). I'm terribly imperfect and considerably flawed. I try to believe that it's okay, but my own expectations for myself are higher than they should be, and I never meet them. I can't even meet the expecation to go easier on myself. The things I've faced in my lifetime I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but they've made me who I am. Many of them unpleasantly, but I try to let them make me stronger. Except that I don't believe that I am.
The things I enjoy I tend to do alone, privately, because I don't want to be judged or to let anyone see that I'm not as good at them as I'd like to be. That would take the joy away. But sometimes it gets lonely. Safe. But lonely.
I'm passionate, but most of the time I don't let it show. I make mistakes, and some days I admit them. But other days I do my best to hide them. I hate being wrong, but I love when someone learns from my mistakes- because then maybe they won't have to feel the pain of making them themselves. I know that it is okay to screw up, and that where it really matters I will be forgiven. But I too often let the fear of being judged by humans keep me from opening up and being real.
Music makes me silly. I sing as loud as I can when I'm alone in the car. Sometimes a song I've sung 100 times suddenly speaks right to my heart with a message I've never before heard. And then I play it over and over again until the message hurts, then heals. I don't cry often, but when I do it is usually because of a memory that something evokes more than what is going on in the present. And I have too many memories that I want to forget. But I have joy and hope and peace so most of the time they don't matter...
I get bored easily. If I'm doing fewer than 3 things at a time I may daydream. And some days I never stop daydreaming...
or just dreaming...
I'm totally insane. Really! I'm definitely whacked. Especially when I'm tired, or scared, or nervous, or some combination of the above. For me, life hasn't exactly been "charmed" or "easy." I've gotten good at hiding a lot, and good or bad, it works (most of the time... or at least I can pretend that it does). I'm terribly imperfect and considerably flawed. I try to believe that it's okay, but my own expectations for myself are higher than they should be, and I never meet them. I can't even meet the expecation to go easier on myself. The things I've faced in my lifetime I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but they've made me who I am. Many of them unpleasantly, but I try to let them make me stronger. Except that I don't believe that I am.
The things I enjoy I tend to do alone, privately, because I don't want to be judged or to let anyone see that I'm not as good at them as I'd like to be. That would take the joy away. But sometimes it gets lonely. Safe. But lonely.
I'm passionate, but most of the time I don't let it show. I make mistakes, and some days I admit them. But other days I do my best to hide them. I hate being wrong, but I love when someone learns from my mistakes- because then maybe they won't have to feel the pain of making them themselves. I know that it is okay to screw up, and that where it really matters I will be forgiven. But I too often let the fear of being judged by humans keep me from opening up and being real.
Music makes me silly. I sing as loud as I can when I'm alone in the car. Sometimes a song I've sung 100 times suddenly speaks right to my heart with a message I've never before heard. And then I play it over and over again until the message hurts, then heals. I don't cry often, but when I do it is usually because of a memory that something evokes more than what is going on in the present. And I have too many memories that I want to forget. But I have joy and hope and peace so most of the time they don't matter...
I get bored easily. If I'm doing fewer than 3 things at a time I may daydream. And some days I never stop daydreaming...
or just dreaming...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I need my friends.
I know it. I need my friends. For accountability, for a break from the monotony, for someone to laugh with, smile with, cry with... Even more than ever I realize it now. Now, when I feel like so many of them have drifted away... when I feel a chasm between me and the rest of the world. I know that it is largely imagined, but it feels real to my heart.
I was driving along today and I heard "There is a Way" playing. The part that keeps replaying in my mind says:
What if love became a man
if the word had flesh and bones
Would you recognize His face
if He came to bring you home
You think you're all alone
gotta do it on your own
riding solo....
At first I thought I was being prompted to lean on my girlfriends more. To turn to them, to continue to nurture those relationships. To draw them close and stop "riding solo" so much. And that is true, I KNOW that I need to do that, to be intentional about keeping those friendships in place and healthy. But as much as I need my friends, the message is clear to me now. The rest of the song clearly talks about The Way... The Truth... The Life. The One who has been there all along, waiting for me, yearning for me to turn to Him. Like I've had to learn over and over... He is the only One who will bring fullness. He is the lifeline, come to the rescue, and all I need to do is reach for Him. Lord, continue to turn my heart to You alone, to remind me of the truth that You alone will satisfy, and You alone will never fail, and that only in You will I have an ever present hope.
I was driving along today and I heard "There is a Way" playing. The part that keeps replaying in my mind says:
What if love became a man
if the word had flesh and bones
Would you recognize His face
if He came to bring you home
You think you're all alone
gotta do it on your own
riding solo....
At first I thought I was being prompted to lean on my girlfriends more. To turn to them, to continue to nurture those relationships. To draw them close and stop "riding solo" so much. And that is true, I KNOW that I need to do that, to be intentional about keeping those friendships in place and healthy. But as much as I need my friends, the message is clear to me now. The rest of the song clearly talks about The Way... The Truth... The Life. The One who has been there all along, waiting for me, yearning for me to turn to Him. Like I've had to learn over and over... He is the only One who will bring fullness. He is the lifeline, come to the rescue, and all I need to do is reach for Him. Lord, continue to turn my heart to You alone, to remind me of the truth that You alone will satisfy, and You alone will never fail, and that only in You will I have an ever present hope.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Getting over myself...
That is my goal. To learn how to get over myself. Again. And again, until it finally sticks. It is so hard to shake the human tendency towards selfishness, and when you do it slowly creeps back in until it is all consuming once again. Now don't get me wrong... for the most part I'm a pretty selfless person. I honestly tend to think of others first, and I will forgo or give up many things in the interest of making someone I care about happy. On the selfish scale I'm pretty mild in my interactions. But in my mind, in my heart, I can't seem to stop coming back to the realization that I'm too focused on me. Too worried about my own wants and needs. Too anxious for my praise or affirmation. Too focused on how I look, or come across, or act. Too interested in making myself happy. And that's backwards. I shouldn't worry about making myself happy, I should instead seek to help those around me. And I can't be responsible for my own happiness, for there is only One who can secure that peace.
You see, there is so much hurt in this world, so much pain, so much heartache. My life, although not without troubles, is a dream compared to what some others around me face. The pain, the devastation, the struggles, the challenges, the hurt that is everywhere in our world should make me thrilled that my life is as blessed as it is. Yet, I too often lose sight of the pain around me because I'm too focused on my own inconveniences. God doesn't want me looking at my own hangnails when my neighbor's arm is hanging by a tendon. If I can see the pain around me and focus my energy on bringing God's light to a hurting world, how much less significant will my own worries be? How much more will I appreciate the love, and grace, and mercy that He extends to me every day? And how much more awesome will the blessings I'm already enjoying seem?
The other side of this same equation is trying to improve my own mood. I can't make myself happy. Tried. Failed. Repeatedly. It isn't within my own power or control to fill up my own heart with joy. And although things, people, situations here on earth can occasionally bring a smile to my face, none can truly fill my heart with happiness. For true joy comes only from my heavenly Father, who loves me and delights in me. True happiness and fulfillment can only come from Him, for He is the one who will never let me down. Flowers will fade, people will come and go (and fail), music will stop, and the sun will set. But God will never leave me or forsake me, His love is everlasting, and His grace and mercy will greet me anew every day. If I choose to let Him bring me joy, He'll always provide in abundance. And my days of bearing the weight of being responsible for my own moods will be over. I'll rest in His joy, His peace, and be truly free.
You see, there is so much hurt in this world, so much pain, so much heartache. My life, although not without troubles, is a dream compared to what some others around me face. The pain, the devastation, the struggles, the challenges, the hurt that is everywhere in our world should make me thrilled that my life is as blessed as it is. Yet, I too often lose sight of the pain around me because I'm too focused on my own inconveniences. God doesn't want me looking at my own hangnails when my neighbor's arm is hanging by a tendon. If I can see the pain around me and focus my energy on bringing God's light to a hurting world, how much less significant will my own worries be? How much more will I appreciate the love, and grace, and mercy that He extends to me every day? And how much more awesome will the blessings I'm already enjoying seem?
The other side of this same equation is trying to improve my own mood. I can't make myself happy. Tried. Failed. Repeatedly. It isn't within my own power or control to fill up my own heart with joy. And although things, people, situations here on earth can occasionally bring a smile to my face, none can truly fill my heart with happiness. For true joy comes only from my heavenly Father, who loves me and delights in me. True happiness and fulfillment can only come from Him, for He is the one who will never let me down. Flowers will fade, people will come and go (and fail), music will stop, and the sun will set. But God will never leave me or forsake me, His love is everlasting, and His grace and mercy will greet me anew every day. If I choose to let Him bring me joy, He'll always provide in abundance. And my days of bearing the weight of being responsible for my own moods will be over. I'll rest in His joy, His peace, and be truly free.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
One life, that's all I am...
Right now I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are
won't you come close, and hold my heart?
If you're everything you say you are
won't you come close, and hold my heart?
Sunday, February 28, 2010
He is SO good!
I have very little time right now. Well, today. Well, this week... oh heck, this month! But despite my schedule being ridiculously packed and over the top full, God has met me right where I am. He blesses my every day, and He helps me keep my mind focused and my priorities straight. He provides the support, love, and assurances that I need, and He catches me when I stumble. And just when I need to hear from Him, He opens up heaven and pours down a message all over my heart. He is so good... despite what I am.
:)
Enjoy these lyrics from Tenth Avenue North, this is
One tear in the driving rain
:)
Enjoy these lyrics from Tenth Avenue North, this is
Hold my Heart
How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for you?
How long ‘til I see your face
See you shining through
I'm on my knees
Begging you to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father will you turn to me?
One tear in the driving rain
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are
Would you come close, and hold my heart?
I've been so afraid,
afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away
before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
I'm on my knees
Begging you to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father will you run to me?
So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
You look great!
I spent most of the night back and forth between half asleep delirium and bolting for the bathroom, only to end up repeatedly cleaning up the toilet after C threw up. Every hour on the hour he was back in there, coughing, gagging, and miserable. I felt so bad for him that I barely noticed my own exhaustion. By 6am he was pale, dazed, and dragging himself limply around. Obviously he wasn't going to school, and my plans for the day succumbed to the need to stay at home with him. We got set for a day of snuggling on the couch and made plans to stop by the store after taking B to preschool to stock up on popsicles, gatorade, and saltines. As we dropped B off at preschool and let the teachers know the deal, the sweet school director said, "well for the night you had you look great!" Bwaahaaaahaaa! I was dressed in an oversized hoodie sweatshirt, and a ratty pair of jeans, and my bushy hair was held back by an elastic in an attempt to hide the damp places where puke had been wiped out only hours before. My contacts weren't a consideration, and my glasses didn't even begin to hide the sunken circles under my tired eyes. Great was the farthest thing from how I felt. I looked pretty rotten, and I went out in public that way. Wow... how I've changed.
You see, there was a time in my life (actually more recently than I care to admit) that I would have been mortified for anyone to find me at home looking that way, let alone out in public. I feel insecure enough, inadequate enough, imperfect enough on my own without giving the world evidence to hold against me. So I clean up, I get dressed, I try to fix the outside. I try to look like I have it all together. I try to appear to be cool, calm, competent, confident even. But really, on the inside I'm filled with fear, insecurity, and just general ugliness. God is so good, though. He is working on my issues. He's changing my perspective and helping me realize that what is on the outside isn't really important. In 1 Samuel 16:7 we learn that He doesn't look at what man looks at. Man looks at the outside, but He looks at the heart. And He wants us to fill our heart with His love. To get rid of the sin, the untrue thoughts, the impure attitudes, the lies the enemy wants us to believe about ourselves. And He wants us to let Him be the center of our lives. He wants us to be filled with His love, His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness that were secured through His perfect sacrifice. He wants the cross to be the center of our hearts, and if we focus on that, His love will shine through in all we do.
So my new goal is to find a balance. I still don't want to look like I'm falling apart on the outside, but I also don't want to always feel the need to hide my inside. I want to share my imperfections so that I can come to grips with the need to surround myself with friends, fellowship, and mutual support. I want to admit my struggles so that I can find His healing. I want to be imperfect and weak, for it is in my weakness that His power is made perfect. I pray for transparency in my life, so that I may be a witness to His amazing power. And I pray that He continue to fill me with the cross, so that I may never forget who I am in Him.
You see, there was a time in my life (actually more recently than I care to admit) that I would have been mortified for anyone to find me at home looking that way, let alone out in public. I feel insecure enough, inadequate enough, imperfect enough on my own without giving the world evidence to hold against me. So I clean up, I get dressed, I try to fix the outside. I try to look like I have it all together. I try to appear to be cool, calm, competent, confident even. But really, on the inside I'm filled with fear, insecurity, and just general ugliness. God is so good, though. He is working on my issues. He's changing my perspective and helping me realize that what is on the outside isn't really important. In 1 Samuel 16:7 we learn that He doesn't look at what man looks at. Man looks at the outside, but He looks at the heart. And He wants us to fill our heart with His love. To get rid of the sin, the untrue thoughts, the impure attitudes, the lies the enemy wants us to believe about ourselves. And He wants us to let Him be the center of our lives. He wants us to be filled with His love, His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness that were secured through His perfect sacrifice. He wants the cross to be the center of our hearts, and if we focus on that, His love will shine through in all we do.
So my new goal is to find a balance. I still don't want to look like I'm falling apart on the outside, but I also don't want to always feel the need to hide my inside. I want to share my imperfections so that I can come to grips with the need to surround myself with friends, fellowship, and mutual support. I want to admit my struggles so that I can find His healing. I want to be imperfect and weak, for it is in my weakness that His power is made perfect. I pray for transparency in my life, so that I may be a witness to His amazing power. And I pray that He continue to fill me with the cross, so that I may never forget who I am in Him.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Blessings
Have you ever had something that you were trying to do that kept getting mixed up. Rescheduled, cancelled, postponed. Did you let it frustrate you, upset you, disappoint you? I know I have been guilty of all of those reactions. And even now as I'm learning to see things as blessings instead of curses it can still be hard to avoid those emotions altogether. But I'm so impressed by how good God is. Without me even asking for it He is helping my perspective shift, helping me see how sometimes a change of plans can be an opportunity. He gave me a few unexpected moments of free time today, and they are turning into an amazing blessing. Plans that were cancelled only 13 hours ago would have otherwise upset and frustrated me, and instead He is showing me how He planned for my morning (and probably my entire day) to go. Even as much as waking up this morning... He is rewarding my desire to spend every morning with Him first, and blessing me with unexpected extra moments of sleep, time for exercise, for projects to get done, and for more focused time with Him.
I have been getting up at 6:30 lately. The kids know they aren't allowed to come out of their bedrooms until 7:30, so I set my coffee pot up in my bathroom, set the timer on it for 6:15, and by 6:30 I am greeted by a quiet house and a hot cup of coffee. I take that into my closet and have a full hour to spend with my God. We talk, I read, I study, and usually I cry. It is the best way to start my day, and it shapes my attitude for the rest of the day. Today I looked at the clock, saw 6:23 and decided I'd take advantage of that extra 7 minutes to keep my eyes closed. Mistake. Or was it? When I opened my eyes again it was 7:28 and I panicked. But just for a moment, as I felt that voice stirring in me, saying 'it's okay... I have other plans.' So I stopped panicking, and went about getting the kids up and ready for school. Once I had them dropped off I could come back home (because of my other plans that were just cancelled late last night) and spend as long as I wanted sitting in my closet, reading, praying, crying, reading some more, and calling out to my God with no hesitation, no worry about who would hear, or who I would disturb, no pressure that a little hand would open the door. It was an awesome, unexpected, unbridled time that I needed so desperately. I was rejuvenated by such an awesome time that I decided to go for a run. I rarely get to run past the end of my treadmill, so I put on my outdoor running shoes and a sweatshirt, and took off. After 2 miles and several songs on my mp3 player belted throughout my subdivision my neighbors might think I'm nuts, but I feel great. And now God continues to bless me as my Christian music rocks through the walls of my house, and I plan to spend some time working on a home project and reading over and prayerfully considering the agenda for tonight's meetings. Cancelled plans that would have otherwise left me disappointed and discouraged have turned into an extra hour of sleep, some priceless time with my Abba, an energizing 2 mile run, and some time to feel productive. What an awesome blessing.
So what has disappointed you lately. How could it have been a blessing in disguise? How can you look for God's surprises in your cancellations?
I have been getting up at 6:30 lately. The kids know they aren't allowed to come out of their bedrooms until 7:30, so I set my coffee pot up in my bathroom, set the timer on it for 6:15, and by 6:30 I am greeted by a quiet house and a hot cup of coffee. I take that into my closet and have a full hour to spend with my God. We talk, I read, I study, and usually I cry. It is the best way to start my day, and it shapes my attitude for the rest of the day. Today I looked at the clock, saw 6:23 and decided I'd take advantage of that extra 7 minutes to keep my eyes closed. Mistake. Or was it? When I opened my eyes again it was 7:28 and I panicked. But just for a moment, as I felt that voice stirring in me, saying 'it's okay... I have other plans.' So I stopped panicking, and went about getting the kids up and ready for school. Once I had them dropped off I could come back home (because of my other plans that were just cancelled late last night) and spend as long as I wanted sitting in my closet, reading, praying, crying, reading some more, and calling out to my God with no hesitation, no worry about who would hear, or who I would disturb, no pressure that a little hand would open the door. It was an awesome, unexpected, unbridled time that I needed so desperately. I was rejuvenated by such an awesome time that I decided to go for a run. I rarely get to run past the end of my treadmill, so I put on my outdoor running shoes and a sweatshirt, and took off. After 2 miles and several songs on my mp3 player belted throughout my subdivision my neighbors might think I'm nuts, but I feel great. And now God continues to bless me as my Christian music rocks through the walls of my house, and I plan to spend some time working on a home project and reading over and prayerfully considering the agenda for tonight's meetings. Cancelled plans that would have otherwise left me disappointed and discouraged have turned into an extra hour of sleep, some priceless time with my Abba, an energizing 2 mile run, and some time to feel productive. What an awesome blessing.
So what has disappointed you lately. How could it have been a blessing in disguise? How can you look for God's surprises in your cancellations?
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Song
Have you heard this song. It is by JJ Heller, called Your Hands
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
Messages
You know, it is funny. I always used to wonder when I was a kid how people said they heard God speak to them. I didn't really get it. Did some loud powerful voice boom down from above? Was there an audible noise that they heard, just as they heard me or any other human talking? Did the radio go static, then sputter in and out a bit before God's voice tuned in loud and clear for a conversation? I imagined all sorts of ways to hear God speak. But I never really understood how it worked, until I learned to listen. And God is even more creative than my wild imaginations ever were. And more faithful, and more powerful.
God speaks to me whenever I still myself enough to listen. Gentle murmurings to my heart that I can only feel, songs sung by someone else played at just the right moment, stories told, words spoken, writings that have been around for years surfacing at just the right moment. In so many amazing ways He speaks. He knows what is in my heart, the good and the bad. The joy and the struggle. And He speaks to both. He speaks even when He knows I probably won't listen. And the more I hear His voice, His message, the more I feel how intimately and personally He knows me, and wants me to know Him, and the more I long for more. More moments to listen, more messages from Him, more self-control to follow His plan and walk His paths, more of His amazing, life-changing, humbling, fulfilling, awesome grace and mercy. I am saved by the blood of Christ, a child of God, secure in my place with Him in heaven some day. But I don't want that to be it. I want to walk with Him every day that I'm here on earth. I don't want to wait for heaven to spend time adoring, loving, and drawing closer to Him... I want to hear his messages now. Pray that I will take more time to listen.
God speaks to me whenever I still myself enough to listen. Gentle murmurings to my heart that I can only feel, songs sung by someone else played at just the right moment, stories told, words spoken, writings that have been around for years surfacing at just the right moment. In so many amazing ways He speaks. He knows what is in my heart, the good and the bad. The joy and the struggle. And He speaks to both. He speaks even when He knows I probably won't listen. And the more I hear His voice, His message, the more I feel how intimately and personally He knows me, and wants me to know Him, and the more I long for more. More moments to listen, more messages from Him, more self-control to follow His plan and walk His paths, more of His amazing, life-changing, humbling, fulfilling, awesome grace and mercy. I am saved by the blood of Christ, a child of God, secure in my place with Him in heaven some day. But I don't want that to be it. I want to walk with Him every day that I'm here on earth. I don't want to wait for heaven to spend time adoring, loving, and drawing closer to Him... I want to hear his messages now. Pray that I will take more time to listen.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Timing
His timing is always perfect, isn't it?
I must admit I've had some struggles lately. Some things that I've fought with and some areas I've felt weak. I have felt like Paul: I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. I know that God desires more from me, and I know I am the only one who can make the necessary changes to give Him more. I feel weary with all that I am juggling, and I feel like I have no hope for rest.
I unexpectedly had some time to myself tonight, as P is out late at work. Exhausted, I got dinner accomplished and the kids put to bed on my own, and I totally wanted to collapse on the couch and take a nap. But for some reason I decided to have a cup of coffee (yes, that is the 4th one today! Ack!) and suddenly I felt infused with an energy and craving for some quiet time. Maybe it was God whispering at just the right moment, and my heart being open to hearing it. Or maybe it was just the smell of coffee that made me think of mornings and waking up with God and a cup of java. Either way, I took my cup to the closet and opened my Bible. I'm SO glad I did. God truly is good, and He has messages written in just the right words to meet every need and every situation. His living Word will always be the source.
As I worked through a lesson in my current study I felt closer to my God, encouraged by His provision in the story I was studying, humbled by His power and the faith of His people. And I thought I was learning more about His history, growing in knowledge of Him, His promises, His faithfulness, His dependability. Until I realized He had a message for me, now, tonight. Out of nowhere I ended up in a different chapter (heck, I went from Old Testament to New!) and landed in Acts, chapter 3 verses 19-20. And boy did I need to read these words tonight.
So you must change your hearts and lives! Come back to God and He will forgive your sins. Then the Lord will send the time of rest. And He will send Jesus, the One He chose to be the Christ.
Thank you, Father, for being slow to anger, quick to forgive, and full of mercies that are truly new every morning. Thank you for the time of rest, and for your Son, who secured our place with you, our identity in you, and welcomes us home when we've gone astray.
I must admit I've had some struggles lately. Some things that I've fought with and some areas I've felt weak. I have felt like Paul: I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. I know that God desires more from me, and I know I am the only one who can make the necessary changes to give Him more. I feel weary with all that I am juggling, and I feel like I have no hope for rest.
I unexpectedly had some time to myself tonight, as P is out late at work. Exhausted, I got dinner accomplished and the kids put to bed on my own, and I totally wanted to collapse on the couch and take a nap. But for some reason I decided to have a cup of coffee (yes, that is the 4th one today! Ack!) and suddenly I felt infused with an energy and craving for some quiet time. Maybe it was God whispering at just the right moment, and my heart being open to hearing it. Or maybe it was just the smell of coffee that made me think of mornings and waking up with God and a cup of java. Either way, I took my cup to the closet and opened my Bible. I'm SO glad I did. God truly is good, and He has messages written in just the right words to meet every need and every situation. His living Word will always be the source.
As I worked through a lesson in my current study I felt closer to my God, encouraged by His provision in the story I was studying, humbled by His power and the faith of His people. And I thought I was learning more about His history, growing in knowledge of Him, His promises, His faithfulness, His dependability. Until I realized He had a message for me, now, tonight. Out of nowhere I ended up in a different chapter (heck, I went from Old Testament to New!) and landed in Acts, chapter 3 verses 19-20. And boy did I need to read these words tonight.
So you must change your hearts and lives! Come back to God and He will forgive your sins. Then the Lord will send the time of rest. And He will send Jesus, the One He chose to be the Christ.
Thank you, Father, for being slow to anger, quick to forgive, and full of mercies that are truly new every morning. Thank you for the time of rest, and for your Son, who secured our place with you, our identity in you, and welcomes us home when we've gone astray.
The Appointment
Okay, let's face it. Life has just gotten busy. I know, the kids are still preschoolers. I can hear it now, "just wait until they are teenagers," "you know it is only going to get worse," "you haven't seen anything yet!" But honestly, I'm just feeling busy. I have a lot on my plate, my dear hubby has a ton on his, and the kids are increasingly adding to the weekly schedule. I have found that it is becoming more and more difficult to juggle the collective "family" calendar, and that the one that holds my obligations is looking more and more jam-packed. I have lessons, meetings, classes, gatherings, outings, workdays, appointments, and commitments. But there is one appointment that keeps me sane through the others. And it is the one I've never written down. And the one I'm most likely to skip, unfortunately.
I've only recently gotten really disciplined at keeping this appointment (and by recently I mean in the past few years). And even today I miss it when I've worked a late night or have an early morning. It is my daily appointment with my closet. Well, I guess I should say in my closet, because my clothes are the farthest thing from my mind when I stumble in there around 6:30 am. I'm there to meet my Father, and if I make it there and spend time with Him, everything else about my day seems to go better. It started out with a book that I wanted to study, which led to a series of studies, a year of reading the Bible cover to cover, and many other books, reflections, exercises, and studies along the way. My time with God has become so vital that I feel lost without it. I get irritable, I make poor choices, and I'm more easily influenced by the sin and sway of the world. Starting my day in my closet gets me good and grounded for everything life throws at me for the next 23 hours.
It was so easy to make excuses, to say I didn't have time. And it still is. Sometimes I rationalize that I need the sleep or I can't stay awake enough to focus. But when I honestly look at how much that time changes my day (and my life) I can't afford to go without it. The benefit far outweighs the cost, and I would be stupid to miss that precious investment in my day. And God is pushing on my heart right now. Amidst the busyness, the chaos, the hectic pace I'm keeping, He's telling me I need to give Him more. He's asking for more time, more faithfulness in showing up, more delighting in Him and more purposeful devotions. But how can I manage that? How can I fit it in? How can I survive on even less sleep? Yet I can hear the whisper of His voice, begging me for more, promising me that He will fill the places I can't reach, asking me to give it all back to Him, reassuring me that He will work out the rest. How can I not? How can I go one more day without setting that alarm clock just a little earlier, without starting to look for how He wants my days to begin and following His design? If you pray, pray for me now. Pray for my mornings to be earlier, for my appointments to be deeper, for my coffee to be stronger, and for my faithfulness to endure. For this appointment is the one that can change my life. How can I not show up?
I've only recently gotten really disciplined at keeping this appointment (and by recently I mean in the past few years). And even today I miss it when I've worked a late night or have an early morning. It is my daily appointment with my closet. Well, I guess I should say in my closet, because my clothes are the farthest thing from my mind when I stumble in there around 6:30 am. I'm there to meet my Father, and if I make it there and spend time with Him, everything else about my day seems to go better. It started out with a book that I wanted to study, which led to a series of studies, a year of reading the Bible cover to cover, and many other books, reflections, exercises, and studies along the way. My time with God has become so vital that I feel lost without it. I get irritable, I make poor choices, and I'm more easily influenced by the sin and sway of the world. Starting my day in my closet gets me good and grounded for everything life throws at me for the next 23 hours.
It was so easy to make excuses, to say I didn't have time. And it still is. Sometimes I rationalize that I need the sleep or I can't stay awake enough to focus. But when I honestly look at how much that time changes my day (and my life) I can't afford to go without it. The benefit far outweighs the cost, and I would be stupid to miss that precious investment in my day. And God is pushing on my heart right now. Amidst the busyness, the chaos, the hectic pace I'm keeping, He's telling me I need to give Him more. He's asking for more time, more faithfulness in showing up, more delighting in Him and more purposeful devotions. But how can I manage that? How can I fit it in? How can I survive on even less sleep? Yet I can hear the whisper of His voice, begging me for more, promising me that He will fill the places I can't reach, asking me to give it all back to Him, reassuring me that He will work out the rest. How can I not? How can I go one more day without setting that alarm clock just a little earlier, without starting to look for how He wants my days to begin and following His design? If you pray, pray for me now. Pray for my mornings to be earlier, for my appointments to be deeper, for my coffee to be stronger, and for my faithfulness to endure. For this appointment is the one that can change my life. How can I not show up?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Firsts...
I was thinking today, and I just had to journal about what I came up with. It isn't really a new or astonishing revelation, but God really cemented a lesson in my heart today. I was thinking about how God blesses us when we bring Him our firsts. Like my quiet time. I used to think I was way too busy to spend an hour with God every day. If I had a minute to focus on prayer and quiet time, I was lucky! No matter how well I planned, something always came up or interrupted. But finally I just made a choice to get up early and spend time with God then. Sure, I work crazy hours, often until 3am (getting home closer to 4am!) - see the time stamp on this post for instance. And sure, I'm usually pretty grouchy if I haven't gotten my rest. And honestly I've never in my life been a morning person. But it kept coming back to me, that God deserved those first few moments of my day. That those were the times least likely to be interrupted, distracted, or shoved aside for some other chore or responsibility. So I decided to give it a try. There are many mornings that I'd much rather stay in bed when I smell the coffee brewing, or would much rather pull the blankets tighter around me than climb out from under them. But when I am faithful to my committment and I crawl out of bed and meet God in my closet for those first few moments of my day, He truly comes through for me. I am filled with a peace I otherwise couldn't imagine, a patience that comes from well beyond my capabilities, a strength that is far from my own. He blesses my socks off all day long, simply because I came to Him first. I gave Him my first moments, my first thoughts, my first fears and wishes and anxieties, and desires.
It worked the same way with money, really. We have never made as much money as our intelligence/earning potential says we should. We choose to be public servants instead, but that is another story. My point is that we've never had an excess of money to throw around. Things have been tight- at times tighter than others. There was a time before we decided to be a tithing family that we couldn't have dreamed of giving that much money "away." A series of messages were laid on our hearts that led to us taking the step to tithing. Trust me, we couldn't imagine how it would work, where the money would come from, what we'd miss or forfeit to make it happen. But we knew we were supposed to do it, that God expected His tithe, and that we needed to make it work. Really, we realized that everything we had we owed to Him anyway, so we rejoiced that He let us keep a full 90%! We went in a single day from throwing whatever extra cash we had in our pockets into the offering plate, to writing out a check for at least 10% every week. It was huge, and we were scared. But when we brought God the first, he blessed the daylights out of the rest. Suddenly things stretched farther, money just happened to come in unexpectedly at the same time as an unanticipated expense. Things just worked, in ways that we still to this day often don't understand. But I know that God's hand is all over it. He loves that we bring our first to Him, and He provides more than we need and then some with what we have left. His mercies overflow, his goodness endures, and our storerooms are filled abundantly.
So I want to learn to bring God my first in everything I do. I want to make it my goal to always give God the first of anything I have. My desires, my needs, my hopes, my dreams... I want to bring them to Him first and lay them at His feet. I know that He will meet me there, that He will be faithful to His promises, and that He will bless me in abundance. I pray that the earthly distractions will fall away, that my heart will be filled with His affection, and that I will rejoice in his goodness forever. To seek Him first in all that I do, that is my prayer.
It worked the same way with money, really. We have never made as much money as our intelligence/earning potential says we should. We choose to be public servants instead, but that is another story. My point is that we've never had an excess of money to throw around. Things have been tight- at times tighter than others. There was a time before we decided to be a tithing family that we couldn't have dreamed of giving that much money "away." A series of messages were laid on our hearts that led to us taking the step to tithing. Trust me, we couldn't imagine how it would work, where the money would come from, what we'd miss or forfeit to make it happen. But we knew we were supposed to do it, that God expected His tithe, and that we needed to make it work. Really, we realized that everything we had we owed to Him anyway, so we rejoiced that He let us keep a full 90%! We went in a single day from throwing whatever extra cash we had in our pockets into the offering plate, to writing out a check for at least 10% every week. It was huge, and we were scared. But when we brought God the first, he blessed the daylights out of the rest. Suddenly things stretched farther, money just happened to come in unexpectedly at the same time as an unanticipated expense. Things just worked, in ways that we still to this day often don't understand. But I know that God's hand is all over it. He loves that we bring our first to Him, and He provides more than we need and then some with what we have left. His mercies overflow, his goodness endures, and our storerooms are filled abundantly.
So I want to learn to bring God my first in everything I do. I want to make it my goal to always give God the first of anything I have. My desires, my needs, my hopes, my dreams... I want to bring them to Him first and lay them at His feet. I know that He will meet me there, that He will be faithful to His promises, and that He will bless me in abundance. I pray that the earthly distractions will fall away, that my heart will be filled with His affection, and that I will rejoice in his goodness forever. To seek Him first in all that I do, that is my prayer.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Weary
So I got in bed at a reasonable hour last night (well... reasonable as compared to the 4:20am hour of the night before). I got a decent night's sleep. I woke up at a respectable hour this morning. I had my usual cup of morning coffee. Yet I'm still exhausted. I think things have just caught up with me today, and I need to rest. I'm weary of holding my eyes open, but I'm weary of the pressures and burdens I feel I am carrying. I know in my head what I need to do, but my shoulders need a break from the weight of it all.
So, I'm going to log off of this computer, turn on my local Christian radio station, flip on the gas-log fireplace, and curl up under my blanket. I'm hoping God sends some sweet, heart-changing tunes my way, and rocks me off to some much-needed sleep.
I hope your afternoon is equally peaceful.
So, I'm going to log off of this computer, turn on my local Christian radio station, flip on the gas-log fireplace, and curl up under my blanket. I'm hoping God sends some sweet, heart-changing tunes my way, and rocks me off to some much-needed sleep.
I hope your afternoon is equally peaceful.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Hey, pictures are a post at least, right? Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Insecurity
I'm doing an amazing Bible Study with an amazing group of women. God really knew what He was doing when he led me to this group. I'm constantly challenged, inspired, molded, and encouraged by this awesome group of Godly women. We're in the middle of Beth Moore's Esther study (have I mentioned that already? Sorry!) I've studied Esther before, but Beth's study is turning out to be an awesome fresh look at this amazing story.
One thing that stood out to me last night during our gathering was Beth's message about meanness, about how it is usually preceded by a feeling of threat, and that it is often based in insecurity. She said that anger is a source of power for those who feel they have none otherwise. And she said that we should identify the source of threat and address our insecurities. One thing that really touched me was when she talked about healing our insecurities in a God way. She expounded that we should be careful not to look for earthly approval, affirmation, or assurances to meet these insecurities. Beth reminded me that we can't look to anyone on this earth to meet our emotional needs or heal our personal insecurities. For if we do, we will want and need more earthly healing, will push to find it, and will be disappointed. Because humans are imperfect, and human reassurances will fade, human supports will fail, and human relationships will disappoint us. Every one of them at least once, and most more than once. Unfortunately, nobody on this earth is or can be perfect. Only one source can bring true and lasting healing, only one friend can be an unfailing support, only one ear will always be there to listen. And that one is The One, the I Am, the One and Only, the Beginning and the End, the Almighty God. He is the only one we should look to for healing, for meeting our needs, for filling up our hearts, and for covering our insecurities. For any moment we spend searching for earthly help and hope is one less moment we spend seeking Him fully. And that is the only way we'll truly be found- in seeking Him wholly.
One thing that stood out to me last night during our gathering was Beth's message about meanness, about how it is usually preceded by a feeling of threat, and that it is often based in insecurity. She said that anger is a source of power for those who feel they have none otherwise. And she said that we should identify the source of threat and address our insecurities. One thing that really touched me was when she talked about healing our insecurities in a God way. She expounded that we should be careful not to look for earthly approval, affirmation, or assurances to meet these insecurities. Beth reminded me that we can't look to anyone on this earth to meet our emotional needs or heal our personal insecurities. For if we do, we will want and need more earthly healing, will push to find it, and will be disappointed. Because humans are imperfect, and human reassurances will fade, human supports will fail, and human relationships will disappoint us. Every one of them at least once, and most more than once. Unfortunately, nobody on this earth is or can be perfect. Only one source can bring true and lasting healing, only one friend can be an unfailing support, only one ear will always be there to listen. And that one is The One, the I Am, the One and Only, the Beginning and the End, the Almighty God. He is the only one we should look to for healing, for meeting our needs, for filling up our hearts, and for covering our insecurities. For any moment we spend searching for earthly help and hope is one less moment we spend seeking Him fully. And that is the only way we'll truly be found- in seeking Him wholly.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Winter Wonderland
Wow, this has been quite the winter for snow and icy weather! We had our first big snow back in December, coinciding with my family's Christmas party. It was crazy fun to sled and tromp togeher with Aunts, Uncles, and cousins in the snow, and crazy insane to drive home in the madness. But we survived and fun was had by all. The second big snow came last weekend, while I was working and P and the kids stayed home to play. I camped out with friends in town after working late, then came home and shoveled and played in the snow. Weekend snow storm take 2 was this weekend, and again I was working, camping out, and working during the worst of the weather. The kids haven't been to school in a week and a half, and the only time they've been away from our yard or house was for a brief 45 minute gymnastics class on Thursday. I think cabin fever is common among our friends, but we're actually doing pretty well around here. I am hopeful that this is a sign that we may actually survive homeschooling next year! (Yes, we're still leaning towards that as our schooling choice!) We've done workbook pages, colored, written Christmas thank-you's (yes, a little behind, but they're done!), taken adventure walks through the woods, built a (now flattened) snowman, done music and reading lessons, painted, read LOTS of books, and done geography studies with our new globe. The kids are actually behaving better overall than I would say they had in weeks past, and my sanity is as secure as ever (not saying much, but hey, what do you want!?!) :)
I'm excitedly looking forward to my women's Bible Study group tonight, we're doing Beth Moore's Esther study. We had a week of because of the weather, during which time I've been devouring Becky Tirabassi's Let Prayer Change your Life. I'm feeling confident that God is moving in my heart, getting ready to launch me into a new season of drawing nearer to Him and leaning on Him in all things. I am filled with nervous anticipation, self doubt, and excitement. Funny how these things work, huh!?!
On another note, this weather isn't very conducive to outdoor exercise! I have recently been considering moving forward in my goal of finishing a sprint-distance triathlon. I have researched local races, looked into training programs, and talked with my big sis about doing it together. (Well, she'll smoke me time-wise, but we'll at least go to the same race on the same day!) I still need to do more research about bikes, find a place to swim, and get outside and do it! I'll train with my mountain bike for now, and watch for opportunities to get a street bike. I'm hoping to find a reasonably priced way to swim (and a time of the week to accomplish this! Ha Ha Ha!) Running is always possible on the treadmill, but I KNOW that I'll have to fit in some street runs sooner than later. Meanwhile I stay on the treadmill alternating hills with speed work.
Okay, so this has been more rambling thoughts than really a post about our winter weather, but hey... you're still reading! *giggle* Okay, this meets my goal of posting more. Like I said, quantity will precede quality. But hopefully someday God will facilitate both hand in hand. For now... have a fantastic day!
I'm excitedly looking forward to my women's Bible Study group tonight, we're doing Beth Moore's Esther study. We had a week of because of the weather, during which time I've been devouring Becky Tirabassi's Let Prayer Change your Life. I'm feeling confident that God is moving in my heart, getting ready to launch me into a new season of drawing nearer to Him and leaning on Him in all things. I am filled with nervous anticipation, self doubt, and excitement. Funny how these things work, huh!?!
On another note, this weather isn't very conducive to outdoor exercise! I have recently been considering moving forward in my goal of finishing a sprint-distance triathlon. I have researched local races, looked into training programs, and talked with my big sis about doing it together. (Well, she'll smoke me time-wise, but we'll at least go to the same race on the same day!) I still need to do more research about bikes, find a place to swim, and get outside and do it! I'll train with my mountain bike for now, and watch for opportunities to get a street bike. I'm hoping to find a reasonably priced way to swim (and a time of the week to accomplish this! Ha Ha Ha!) Running is always possible on the treadmill, but I KNOW that I'll have to fit in some street runs sooner than later. Meanwhile I stay on the treadmill alternating hills with speed work.
Okay, so this has been more rambling thoughts than really a post about our winter weather, but hey... you're still reading! *giggle* Okay, this meets my goal of posting more. Like I said, quantity will precede quality. But hopefully someday God will facilitate both hand in hand. For now... have a fantastic day!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Letting go... and holding on
So, plans change, things shift, then something happens and they change again. It is funny how I've stopped stressing about the details so much and am learning to just go with the flow. Take this week, for instance. P had been planning to pick up a much needed dog crate from the southside, but got called away yesterday. Initially I planned to make the 1 hour trip down with the kids and get it myself, until the kind friend we're picking it up from offered for P to just reschedule for today. Great! So this morning I was planning to drop the kids at school, run a quick errand, have an hour or so to myself, then visit with my friend for an hour before heading back to pick the kids up. Change of plans #1 (for today) hit with a phone call from the kids' teacher telling me school had been closed because of weather. Okay. I can deal, the kids will just have to come with me to my girlfriend's house, and the errand can easily wait. Meanwhile, the phone rings again and it is P. He's gotten called away again and doesn't think he'll make it to pick up the crate. No problem. The kids and I have some free time before heading to my girlfriend's house, so we'll head down today. I rouse them up and am hurrying to get them warmly dressed and ready to hit the road, knowing the drive might take a bit longer because of weather, and am hoping to get this done a bit early before things get too scary out there. In the back of my mind I have a small feeling of hesitation, knowing it may not be the safest idea to hit the road with the rain/sleet falling and my two precious angels in the car, but poor puppy simply can not fit in his current abode another night. So I prepare to press on. I call my girlfriend and we plan to play it by ear, but possibly meet a little later than originally scheduled, but to include lunch together at her place. Until... yet another phone call. P reports (to my delight) that he may actually be able to make it after all. He's handled the call he had and is able to swing by and pick up the crate himself as originally planned. Phew. By now my plans have changed many times, but I'm still not at all stressed. What happened to me? Anyway, I get the kids back out of their jackets and into warm socks and snuggly clothes, and let them settle down with an activity to pass some time while I regroup. I glance outside and see something falling, something that looks suspiciously like snow but sounds and feels more like icy rain. Yeah, God knew we shouldn't be out driving an hour down and an hour back in this weather. And I still don't know whether or not we'll try to go visit with our friend, or if we'll call another friend in the neighborhood instead. (One in walking distance!) Either way, I'm learning to let go of my own plans, my own ideas and rigid schedules. I'm learning to let God work things out, to hold on to His hand, and to listen to His nudgings.
I still have so far to go but the desire is growing within me to draw closer to God. I know I need to. I know I want to. I'm just working out exactly how to. God has placed some ideas, resources, tools in my hands, and I'm on the verge of using them to the fullest potential. I pray that God helps me make the committment needed to really make it work.
I still have so far to go but the desire is growing within me to draw closer to God. I know I need to. I know I want to. I'm just working out exactly how to. God has placed some ideas, resources, tools in my hands, and I'm on the verge of using them to the fullest potential. I pray that God helps me make the committment needed to really make it work.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wow!
So I realized that I've been journaling privately a LOT lately- on paper and in private. I guess there have been some things I just couldn't bring myself to "put out there" if you will. I have been facing some insecurities, trudging through some knee-deep muck of life, and just withdrawing. I guess in some ways it is good to be private and introspective at times, to really connect with God alone and quietly seek His words on things. But what I'm realizing more and more as time goes on that I lose a level of accountability. I know that there are few (if any) people who read this blog. That is fine. It is really here for me, and for whatever plans God has for it. But knowing it is out there, public, and available to anyone God might want it to reach does tend to add a certain layer of accountability for me. I can't put it into words well, but I know what I mean, so that is what matters.
So, I'm going to try to do better. I'm going to set a goal to post something on here at least 3 times a week. Sure, I'd love to say I'll post every day! But realistically... I would probably fail and be left feeling more inadequate than I already have lately. So I'm setting a smaller goal, one more attainable and reasonable. And one that is definitely open for revision once it is consistently met. :) So... look out below, because some days you may pop in here and find random, rambling, insanity! But at least it will be current! :)
So, I'm going to try to do better. I'm going to set a goal to post something on here at least 3 times a week. Sure, I'd love to say I'll post every day! But realistically... I would probably fail and be left feeling more inadequate than I already have lately. So I'm setting a smaller goal, one more attainable and reasonable. And one that is definitely open for revision once it is consistently met. :) So... look out below, because some days you may pop in here and find random, rambling, insanity! But at least it will be current! :)
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