What a funny thing. And why is it so consuming to us sometimes?
Lately my C has been pushing his boundaries. For the past 3 years he's been pretty dependent and accepting of me. He let me do things for him, clean him, feed him, take care of him. Don't get me wrong, he has started taking on these tasks as he is physically able- but for the most part he trusts me to take care of him. He knows I will be there when he wakes up in the morning, that there will be clothes for him to wear that fit him well and keep him warm. He knows I will fix something for him to eat for breakfast, that I will clean up the dishes, do his laundry, drive him places, keep him safe... you know, the basic neccesities of life will be handled responsibly. And yet he has reached that age where he wants more control over his moments. He is resisting some of the boundaries, pushing the limits, trying to wrestle control and authority away- one decision at a time. Suddenly the oatmeal that he would have eaten happily without question a week ago is detestable to him and he demands Cheerios today instead. Out of the blue he wants to put his own shoes on, and furthermore he wants to wear the most ridiculous, too small, non-matching pair he can find- mainly because it is not the pair I had set out for him. He doesn't want to put his toys away when I say it is time to clean up, and he doesn't care that I think it is bath time because HIS schedule doesn't allow for bath at that particular moment.
It has been a bit frustrating to say the least- in case you couldn't tell. I know it is a normal part of life, a part of growing up, stretching his wings, and turning into a little guy who will (hopefully) eventually turn into an amazing man. So I try to take a deep breath, extend grace and mercy while still instilling discipline, and help guide and direct him. My heart's truest hope is that I can help him fill his heart with a desire to be Christ-like, and to properly direct this independent energy towards a life of love and service for God. That I can every so gently and (VERY) gradually start to let him lean less on me, and learn to turn to his heavenly Father for the details.
And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. God must feel like this every day He looks at me. Like I'm feeling now. I am C's Mom, I know what is best and I want everything life offers to be available to him. I want him to be the best he can be, to do all he can do, and to love his life every step of the way. I want him to trust me, to continue to rely on me, to let me help him and love him and keep him safe. I know that I will start letting go a little at a time, and I know even more poignantly that I can only hold on so tight. But I want his little eyes to keep turning to me, his little heart to keep reaching for me, and his little hands to keep holding onto me. And how much more does God want that for my life. He takes care of even the sparrow, so I know He will do so much more for me, if only I let Him. If only I trust Him, rely on Him, live for Him, how much more will he bless me, care for me, and truly enrich my life beyond any earthly measure. He will not force me into anything I won't choose for myself. But He is longing for me to keep turning my eyes to Him, resting in Him when I am weary, and running to Him when my forays into independence leave me flat on my back.
So why is it so hard for me to learn this lesson and make it stick. Why do I keep trying to wrestle back control of my own world? Why do I continually stomp my feet, let out a whine, and assert my own stubborn independence? Maybe that is my area of weakness, or my greatest struggle, or my cross to bear. However you want to see it, I realize now that I need to be alert to my own independence. I know that I need to constanly remember to submit to His will, to seek His comfort, and to trust in His provision. For when I am contently resting in Him, snuggled deep into His arms with my face buried in His chest... that is when I am truly at peace. Like a babe in his mother's arms, that is when my soul truly finds rest.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Yet again...
God is so awesome!
I have had a rough patch lately, just a small one, but one nonetheless. I don't know what sparked it, but it was probably many things strung together. I love fall, school supplies, cool, crisp air, the changing and falling leaves, and football season. I love so many things about this season, and I was so surprised when I felt the all-too-familiar restlessness start to creep back into my heart. I thought I had moved past those feelings... feelings of anticipation of the unknown, feelings of unsettledness, feelings that something was missing, or not right, or about to be not right... But yet, there they were all over again. That funny, restless state that haunted me for so long.
The kids have started preschool, B has turned 4, C is now 3, and they are moving into a new season. B is enjoying her horseback riding lessons immensely, and she continues to be a sweetheart with an amazing love for people, helping, and God. She hits me with droves of questions, some of them impressively off the wall (where do the germs come out of when we sneeze?) and others impressively deep (how can God be in so many people at the same time?) C has decided to assert his independence and is pushing his boundaries every day. I am pushing back, but trying to do it in a loving but firm way that imparts discipline and a heart for God. It isn't always easy, trust me. Every day I question if I'm doing it right, or good enough, or even just enough to get by.
Work is going well, I'm enjoying my job, taking on new responsibilities, and enjoying opportunities to excel and share my knowledge and experience. The more I take on, though, the more I want to take on. Which is good, but not perfect. I do enjoy what I do, and I enjoy being a leader in informal as well as formal ways. But I know that left unchecked my ambition would run away with me and leave my true responisibilities behind. And that is what God wrote on my heart. Yet again...
I was driving along, minding my own business, only half paying attention to the music playing in my car. I was thinking about a conversation I had just overheard between two other respected leaders in my profession. They were talking about how much longer they each had before finishing their Master's Degrees, what their plans were beyond them, and how their career paths were shaping up. Part of me was, once again, longing for the chance to go back to school, to get started on my doctorate and start letting my formal education catch up with where my brain (and heart) think it already should be. I was starting to dream of ways I could balance it- going back to school- from financial and family/schedule perspectives. Then, out of the blue, suddenly the music in my car seemed louder. It really wasn't, I totally know that, but God shifted my focus and really made me hear what was being sung. This is what I heard.
I'm leting go of this life I've planned for me, and my dreams
I'm loosing control of my destiny,
it feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe.
This is a giant leap of faith
trusting and trying to embrace
the fear of the unknown
beyond my comfort zone.
But I'm letting go
Suddenly a song I've heard, sung, and really learned from in the past took on a new meaning in my heart. Well, it isn't a new lesson by any means. But it is one of the ones that God has to teach me over and over. I'm a pretty quick learner and I remember things very well. But there are a few things God has to beat over my head repeatedly, and even then I sometimes don't really get it for good. But this is one of them: It isn't all about me. My purpose is not to make Rachel happy. My purpose is not to prove how big I am, how smart I am, how much I can do, or how far I can go. God's design is for me to serve... to look beyond my own stubborn ego and truly focus on what is in front of me. My home, my husband, my family. It isn't about my own dreams for higher education (or the letters I can put after my name). It isn't about knowing what is coming every minute of every day in every week ahead. It isn't even about feeling comfortable in every situation. To truly live for God means to get over myself, let go of whatever fantasy idea I dreamed up, and to give my life for those around me. It is to walk with Him, wherever that leads, even when I can't see past the footfalls in front of me. It is to trust that His ways are so much bigger, His plan so much better, and His reward so much sweeter. And although it may be scary and uncomfortable sometimes, I keep walking, keep looking to Him, and keep trusting Him to bring this work to completion.
The peace is back... the peace of letting go of my dreams, and opening my heart to whatever God sends my way. And it is so sweet.
I have had a rough patch lately, just a small one, but one nonetheless. I don't know what sparked it, but it was probably many things strung together. I love fall, school supplies, cool, crisp air, the changing and falling leaves, and football season. I love so many things about this season, and I was so surprised when I felt the all-too-familiar restlessness start to creep back into my heart. I thought I had moved past those feelings... feelings of anticipation of the unknown, feelings of unsettledness, feelings that something was missing, or not right, or about to be not right... But yet, there they were all over again. That funny, restless state that haunted me for so long.
The kids have started preschool, B has turned 4, C is now 3, and they are moving into a new season. B is enjoying her horseback riding lessons immensely, and she continues to be a sweetheart with an amazing love for people, helping, and God. She hits me with droves of questions, some of them impressively off the wall (where do the germs come out of when we sneeze?) and others impressively deep (how can God be in so many people at the same time?) C has decided to assert his independence and is pushing his boundaries every day. I am pushing back, but trying to do it in a loving but firm way that imparts discipline and a heart for God. It isn't always easy, trust me. Every day I question if I'm doing it right, or good enough, or even just enough to get by.
Work is going well, I'm enjoying my job, taking on new responsibilities, and enjoying opportunities to excel and share my knowledge and experience. The more I take on, though, the more I want to take on. Which is good, but not perfect. I do enjoy what I do, and I enjoy being a leader in informal as well as formal ways. But I know that left unchecked my ambition would run away with me and leave my true responisibilities behind. And that is what God wrote on my heart. Yet again...
I was driving along, minding my own business, only half paying attention to the music playing in my car. I was thinking about a conversation I had just overheard between two other respected leaders in my profession. They were talking about how much longer they each had before finishing their Master's Degrees, what their plans were beyond them, and how their career paths were shaping up. Part of me was, once again, longing for the chance to go back to school, to get started on my doctorate and start letting my formal education catch up with where my brain (and heart) think it already should be. I was starting to dream of ways I could balance it- going back to school- from financial and family/schedule perspectives. Then, out of the blue, suddenly the music in my car seemed louder. It really wasn't, I totally know that, but God shifted my focus and really made me hear what was being sung. This is what I heard.
I'm leting go of this life I've planned for me, and my dreams
I'm loosing control of my destiny,
it feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe.
This is a giant leap of faith
trusting and trying to embrace
the fear of the unknown
beyond my comfort zone.
But I'm letting go
Suddenly a song I've heard, sung, and really learned from in the past took on a new meaning in my heart. Well, it isn't a new lesson by any means. But it is one of the ones that God has to teach me over and over. I'm a pretty quick learner and I remember things very well. But there are a few things God has to beat over my head repeatedly, and even then I sometimes don't really get it for good. But this is one of them: It isn't all about me. My purpose is not to make Rachel happy. My purpose is not to prove how big I am, how smart I am, how much I can do, or how far I can go. God's design is for me to serve... to look beyond my own stubborn ego and truly focus on what is in front of me. My home, my husband, my family. It isn't about my own dreams for higher education (or the letters I can put after my name). It isn't about knowing what is coming every minute of every day in every week ahead. It isn't even about feeling comfortable in every situation. To truly live for God means to get over myself, let go of whatever fantasy idea I dreamed up, and to give my life for those around me. It is to walk with Him, wherever that leads, even when I can't see past the footfalls in front of me. It is to trust that His ways are so much bigger, His plan so much better, and His reward so much sweeter. And although it may be scary and uncomfortable sometimes, I keep walking, keep looking to Him, and keep trusting Him to bring this work to completion.
The peace is back... the peace of letting go of my dreams, and opening my heart to whatever God sends my way. And it is so sweet.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Wow!
I suddenly realized it had been a rather LONG time since I had posted here! Sorry!
So I have been in an unsettled place lately. The fun of summer had worn thin, the anticipation of a new school year was large on the horizon, the fun of a big vacation still to come, the uncertainty of some adjustments and tough weeks loomed ahead. C turned three and decided he was suddenly very independent and cared very little what I had to say. This also led to some sibling squabbles that I had been blessed to avoid thus far. So far they are minimal and easily abated, but yes, the day has finally come. They still adore each other and profess to be best friends, but they have figured out what it is to disagree with each other.
School is back in swing, which means more consistent patterns in the neighborhood. Families are back at home, and the faces we know as our community are once again familiar sights. B and C are both in preschool this year, and so far are absolutely loving it. They literally JUMP out of the van during drop off, and trot into school happily exclaiming, "bye mom!" without a second thought. This is good, I know, but I can't say I wouldn't mind a little more remorse as they leave me behind. ;) Having them both in preschool, and knowing that B will be ready for Kindergarten next year, has left me very anxious about how and where they will be schooled. I have started looking into many options, some of which I never would have dreamed of pursuing, but I know God will guide the process. It does prompt some serious anxiety if I allow myself to really think about it!
B is in preschool M,W,F and C goes on M,W. I am still on MOPs leadership, which fills up my 'free' time on Wednesdays. But I am thrilled that I will be free on Monday mornings. Now, mind you, I work pretty much every other Monday, but I don't have to go in until 10:30- which will give me about an hour free on those days. And the Mondays that I don't work I will have a few hours. Today I sent C in since Monday was a holiday this week, so today was officially my first day with "free" time. I came home, got dinner in the crock-pot, aired up the tires on my bike, and went for a 10.8 mile ride. I know. Insane. I haven't ridden my bike in probably 2 years or more. I just eased back in, right? The worst part was that I was on a pretty major road with a pretty nonexistent shoulder and some hills that didn't seem so impressive until I had to pedal up them. Wow. Anyway, this is all part of my figuring out of that triathlon dream will ever come to fruition. I'm certainly not getting any younger! :)
Okay, enough random ramblings. I guess I should go check the crock pot and play a few rounds of Chutes and Ladders before Dad gets home. I'm so glad we're starting to settle into yet another "new normal" around here. I hope it helps allay this restlessness... Uh oh... I hear shouts of "No, sissy!" Better run!
So I have been in an unsettled place lately. The fun of summer had worn thin, the anticipation of a new school year was large on the horizon, the fun of a big vacation still to come, the uncertainty of some adjustments and tough weeks loomed ahead. C turned three and decided he was suddenly very independent and cared very little what I had to say. This also led to some sibling squabbles that I had been blessed to avoid thus far. So far they are minimal and easily abated, but yes, the day has finally come. They still adore each other and profess to be best friends, but they have figured out what it is to disagree with each other.
School is back in swing, which means more consistent patterns in the neighborhood. Families are back at home, and the faces we know as our community are once again familiar sights. B and C are both in preschool this year, and so far are absolutely loving it. They literally JUMP out of the van during drop off, and trot into school happily exclaiming, "bye mom!" without a second thought. This is good, I know, but I can't say I wouldn't mind a little more remorse as they leave me behind. ;) Having them both in preschool, and knowing that B will be ready for Kindergarten next year, has left me very anxious about how and where they will be schooled. I have started looking into many options, some of which I never would have dreamed of pursuing, but I know God will guide the process. It does prompt some serious anxiety if I allow myself to really think about it!
B is in preschool M,W,F and C goes on M,W. I am still on MOPs leadership, which fills up my 'free' time on Wednesdays. But I am thrilled that I will be free on Monday mornings. Now, mind you, I work pretty much every other Monday, but I don't have to go in until 10:30- which will give me about an hour free on those days. And the Mondays that I don't work I will have a few hours. Today I sent C in since Monday was a holiday this week, so today was officially my first day with "free" time. I came home, got dinner in the crock-pot, aired up the tires on my bike, and went for a 10.8 mile ride. I know. Insane. I haven't ridden my bike in probably 2 years or more. I just eased back in, right? The worst part was that I was on a pretty major road with a pretty nonexistent shoulder and some hills that didn't seem so impressive until I had to pedal up them. Wow. Anyway, this is all part of my figuring out of that triathlon dream will ever come to fruition. I'm certainly not getting any younger! :)
Okay, enough random ramblings. I guess I should go check the crock pot and play a few rounds of Chutes and Ladders before Dad gets home. I'm so glad we're starting to settle into yet another "new normal" around here. I hope it helps allay this restlessness... Uh oh... I hear shouts of "No, sissy!" Better run!
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