Oh how He loves us...

My heart has been heavy lately. I have struggled with grief, with loneliness, with sadness. I have filled my moments with commitments, obligations, errands, anything to fill up the emptiness I have felt inside. But it hasn't worked. For there is only one thing that can calm the hurt in my heart right now, and He's been there all along. You see, pressing in to God is the only way to soothe the loneliness. I've learned that before, but I forget it time and time again. Every time I start feeling lonely I turn to something else to fill up the space. Phone calls. Committees. Projects. Anything, everything I can think up to keep me busy and not able to acknowledge or truly feel the hurt. But God doesn't want me to fill the empty space. He wants me to turn to Him, press in to Him, let Him fill those spaces and make me more truly whole.

I truly believe that God made us for community with each other. That he wants us to have earthly friends, relationships to sustain us here on earth. That we can do so much more in His name when we come together and help and encourage each other. But He said first to "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all of your soul, all of your mind, and all of your strength." Leaning on Him first is the only way to live. Our husbands, friends, sisters here on earth are just human. They will let us down. They don't want to, they don't mean to, but they will. And we will let them down too, because we are imperfect and fallen. But God will never let us down. He is there today, tomorrow, and always. He is ever present help and comfort.

So maybe God uses loneliness not to hurt us, but to remind us to run to Him. Maybe He is teaching me, over and over again (as His lessons for me often have to be) that He is the one to look to first when my heart is hurting, when I ache with loneliness. My prayer today is that I would pray more. That when I want to reach for my phone to call a friend that I would stop and call out to my God first. That I would look to Him first for comfort, peace, strength, and encouragement. That I would rely on Him to meet me where I am, see me at my worst, and love me anyway.

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves...

Giving Thanks

As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches I feel the need to refocus on the reasons for the upcoming seasons. Too often the hustle and bustle of this time of year can blur the real purpose for the holidays. So I am going to focus as much as I can these next few weeks on being thankful, noticing the blessings and miracles around me, and praising our awesome God for all He does.

Today I am thankful that I have a job. A job that allows us to maintain our lifestyle- living where we do and with comfortable means while at the same time keeping me home with the kids 5 days out of each week. A job that recognizes initiative and accomplishments and allows me to feel like I can maintain a level of professional acheivement. A job where I can make a difference in people's lives, no matter how small.

I am thankful for a beautiful home, fabulous neighbors, the food to eat every day, the furniture to hold my tired bones when I need to cuddle up and read, or when I need to crash and sleep. I am thankful for two cars that are reliable, clothes that keep us covered and warm, a dog and a cat and five fish to make us smile, and lots of toys for the kids, books for Mom, and movies for Dad.

I am thankful for friends, near and far, who care enough to reach out. Friends who offer words of comfort when I'm hurting most, who extend invitations when I'm at my least sociable, and care about my struggles. I'm thankful for family who love me no matter what, for the way they forgive my imperfections as if they don't even exist. For the people who surround me every day and make life less lonely.

There are so many things I am thankful for. Yet somehow my selfish, earthly heart tends to forget or overlook these bountiful blessings until I intentionally start to list them. Once I start looking for things worthy of gratitude and praise, my heart overflows with the abundance of blessings my God has showered me with. So I will continue to be looking, noticing, appreciating the things in life that I have, not because of what I've done to deserve them, but through the grace of my Father, from whom all things come. Feel free to join me, and see how it lifts your mood!

Focus

It is funny how the mere act of shifting your focus can change everything. One day you're walking around, noticing how dead, lifeless, sad, hopeless your flowers are. The arrangement that was meant to bring you comfort and joy in a time of grief is looking sadder than your heart has felt.

That's pretty much how I've been lately. Focused on what I thought I needed or deserved that I didn't find. Moping around lamenting the wilting petals, the fallen leaves. I have been letting the negative rule my thoughts, consume my emotions, and keep me feeling lost, alone, hurt, angry, and just plain sad. It built, it spiraled, and before long I realized I was sitting there, unsure of why I felt as sad as I did. I mean, I have a right to grieve. I have lost someone I love dearly, and that loss hurts. But I also have a real peace about it. I have also known from long ago that death isn't something to fear, but to rejoice. I will miss Aunt Boo dearly, but I know she is dancing with our Jesus. So the depths of my sadness were inexplicable at this point.

So I've been trying to refocus. I've been naming (and praising God for) the wonderful things He's done these past few weeks. I've been rejoicing in how He showed up in the details, and gave me the opportunity to be there for my Mom in amazing ways. I've been thanking Him for allowing me to share this experience with several other friends who are grieving their own losses, and how it has helped me truly relate and build bridges that may not have otherwise been built. I have been looking at the things I've learned, the things He has changed and is still changing, and the ways He truly has this in His hands and will use it for His good. And I'm humbly praising Him for being my calm, my support, my ever present help in the storm. For carrying me through as He has always done before, and reminding me that I truly can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

And suddenly my load seems lighter, my mood brighter, my day more manageable, and my tommorrow more appealing. Suddenly the obstacles don't seem so insurmountable, and the hurts don't seem so intentional. The things that angered and frustrated me are forgiveable, and my hope is renewed. God is good, and He will see me through. He will provide and He will supply and He will support and He will comfort. And everything else will fade away. If I keep my eyes on Him, all things are new.

Grief

It is well documented that grief comes in stages. Although everyone has a somewhat different experience, we all know we can expect certain emotions to hit us, and in a predictable pattern. That should make it easier, right? Wrong. It is not easier to me, even though I've studied (on many occasions) grief, death, dying, and the associated emotions. I have examined them from many perspectives, but living through it brings a whole new experience.

It is funny how it takes something big to make you realize how very alone you are. In your darkest moments, you wonder how there is nobody you feel you can call (or nobody that answers when you do). In your deepest pain you realize there is nobody there to offer a shoulder or a tissue. Now don't get me wrong. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who has been an unbelievable rock lately. He has picked me up (over and over), kept me going, changed his schedule, worked, helped, loved, and just done whatever it took to be whatever I needed. And my family is amazing. But we're ALL grieving right now. Each in our own way. And sometimes, in that time of pain, you just want someone who you are certain won't fall apart beside you. Someone who will help you bear that burden, though it wasn't theirs before you brought it to them, they will take it on to help you. Someone who isn't hurting and struggling and grieving already and can offer a different kind of comfort, support.

It is pretty funny. I am no stranger to death. I have a real peace about it, actually. I am comfortable with death, with dying, with the promise of a future that salvation offers us. But somehow the enormity of these past few weeks has overcome me. The financial responsibilities. The physical labor of moving furniture, and the finality of taking apart the surroudings and possessions that are all that is left of an earthly life and boxing them up, getting rid of them in a matter of days. The emotional burden of being strong for everyone around me. The exhaustion of repeated travel and disrupted routine. I need to rest in my savior's arms and surrender it to Him. For ONLY He has been there from the beginning. Only He will bear any burden. And although I will still long for arms around me, only He can truly give me comfort.

This has been disjointed, rambling, disconnected, and maudlin... but that is my heart right now.

Faith

I was reading in my Bible today in the eighth chapter of Luke. I came across the story where Jesus falls asleep on the boat, and a storm comes along. The boat begins to fill with water and the followers are afraid. They wake Jesus, yelling, "Master, we will drown!" Jesus wakes up, calms the wind and waves, and says, "Where is your faith?"

It really got me thinking. You know, if I had lived back then, seen what Jesus- God in flesh- could do every day, watched miracles, healings, resurrections... faith may not have been so hard. If I could touch His hand, then watch that hand heal the sick, if I could be there to see the waves subside and feel the wind die away, if I could hear His voice with my ears, speaking His truth and peace every day, then perhaps believing would be simple. For then I'd be believing in something tangible, something I could perceive with my senses. Yet, even those with Him, his closest followers, lacked faith to some degree. He asked even them, "Where is your faith?"

So I started thinking, even though they could see the miracles He did every day, why didn't they have the faith He expected of them? Perhaps because they lacked the same abilities to control the wind and waves, because their own power wasn't sufficient to heal every disease or return life to the dead at any time. Perhaps because even as they watched, they didn't understand the truth in what they were seeing, or grasp the magnitude of what they were experiencing. Perhaps they were looking for some power or authority of their OWN to believe in, rather than resting in the assurances and the authority of their God.

So what did Jesus mean when He asked, "Where is your faith?" Was he implying that they could have calmed the storm themselves? Was he saying that they were equal to Him in ability to perform miracles? Should I believe that I, in my own power, want to will a storm to end that I will have that ability? Now, don't get me wrong. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that God can intervene in amazing ways. But in my own power, in my own authority, I can control nothing. Nothing at all. I have to believe that God is in control. Because the thing I DO know for certain is that my God will show up. Really, He's always been there anyway. I know that He wrote the story, and He controls the outcome. So if a storm comes, should I have faith that I can stop the storm? Personally, I don't think so. But I can rest in the faith that God will greet me on the other side of the waves. That He will hold my hand until the wind dies down. That something bigger and greater is lying on the other side of the rain clouds, and He will show it to me in His time. I don't have to pretend that I can stop the rain or calm the winds. I just have to believe that God will complete the work He started in me, and that because He has a plan for my life, and my future, I don't have to fear the storms that overtake me.

Tuesdays Unwrapped

I realize that as of late I have been remiss at posting much of anything on here. There are many varied excuses, some related to the sheer speed at which life seems to by passing by, some piggybacking on recent illnesses that circulated through our home, even one alluding to more personal private journaling taking precedence lately. But alas, the fact remains that I have been remiss. So I'm sorry. In an attempt to restimulate my blogging I have decided to start trying to participate in blog gatherings (aka carnivals) for a while, just to get myself writing here again. I'll start today!

Every Tuesday women gather over at chattingatthesky.com to celebrate the little things, to be grateful for the everday, to practice appreciation for the moments that make up life. So today, I join in. (If you want to learn more click here. )

Today I am pausing to celebrate the way God truly shows up in the details. Even amidst the chaos, the unexpected, the painful, and the challenging moments of life, He is there orchestrating a perfect plan. He looks past the hang ups that slow us down, He works out the details that we overlook, and He provides in a way that we never thought possible. Some skeptics may call it coincidence, or fate, or even good luck. But I know that the God I serve has me in the palm of His hand, He knows my every thought, and He knows the way my week will come together, the way I will work through things that I don't yet even know are coming. I celebrate that as I've grown closer to Him, as I've learned to trust in His ways (that are so much higher than my own), as I've learned to claim the promises of His word, that He has always shown up in the details of my life. He has laid the path for me, removed the obstacles, and some days even picked up my feet for me and kept me walking. What an amazing blessing to serve a God who is so intimately concerned with the moments of my life.