He is SO good!

I have very little time right now. Well, today. Well, this week... oh heck, this month! But despite my schedule being ridiculously packed and over the top full, God has met me right where I am. He blesses my every day, and He helps me keep my mind focused and my priorities straight. He provides the support, love, and assurances that I need, and He catches me when I stumble. And just when I need to hear from Him, He opens up heaven and pours down a message all over my heart. He is so good... despite what I am.
:)

Enjoy these lyrics from Tenth Avenue North, this is

Hold my Heart

How long must I pray

Must I pray to You?

How long must I wait

Must I wait for you?

How long ‘til I see your face

See you shining through

I'm on my knees

Begging you to notice me

I'm on my knees

Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain

One voice in the sea of pain

Could the maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am

Right now I can barely stand

If you're everything you say you are

Would you come close, and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid,

afraid to close my eyes

So much can slip away

before I say goodbye

But if there's no other way

I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees

Begging you to turn to me

I'm on my knees

Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers

Your promises remain

I can't see but I'll take my chances

To hear you call my name

To hear you call my name

You look great!

I spent most of the night back and forth between half asleep delirium and bolting for the bathroom, only to end up repeatedly cleaning up the toilet after C threw up. Every hour on the hour he was back in there, coughing, gagging, and miserable. I felt so bad for him that I barely noticed my own exhaustion. By 6am he was pale, dazed, and dragging himself limply around. Obviously he wasn't going to school, and my plans for the day succumbed to the need to stay at home with him. We got set for a day of snuggling on the couch and made plans to stop by the store after taking B to preschool to stock up on popsicles, gatorade, and saltines. As we dropped B off at preschool and let the teachers know the deal, the sweet school director said, "well for the night you had you look great!" Bwaahaaaahaaa! I was dressed in an oversized hoodie sweatshirt, and a ratty pair of jeans, and my bushy hair was held back by an elastic in an attempt to hide the damp places where puke had been wiped out only hours before. My contacts weren't a consideration, and my glasses didn't even begin to hide the sunken circles under my tired eyes. Great was the farthest thing from how I felt. I looked pretty rotten, and I went out in public that way. Wow... how I've changed.

You see, there was a time in my life (actually more recently than I care to admit) that I would have been mortified for anyone to find me at home looking that way, let alone out in public. I feel insecure enough, inadequate enough, imperfect enough on my own without giving the world evidence to hold against me. So I clean up, I get dressed, I try to fix the outside. I try to look like I have it all together. I try to appear to be cool, calm, competent, confident even. But really, on the inside I'm filled with fear, insecurity, and just general ugliness. God is so good, though. He is working on my issues. He's changing my perspective and helping me realize that what is on the outside isn't really important. In 1 Samuel 16:7 we learn that He doesn't look at what man looks at. Man looks at the outside, but He looks at the heart. And He wants us to fill our heart with His love. To get rid of the sin, the untrue thoughts, the impure attitudes, the lies the enemy wants us to believe about ourselves. And He wants us to let Him be the center of our lives. He wants us to be filled with His love, His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness that were secured through His perfect sacrifice. He wants the cross to be the center of our hearts, and if we focus on that, His love will shine through in all we do.

So my new goal is to find a balance. I still don't want to look like I'm falling apart on the outside, but I also don't want to always feel the need to hide my inside. I want to share my imperfections so that I can come to grips with the need to surround myself with friends, fellowship, and mutual support. I want to admit my struggles so that I can find His healing. I want to be imperfect and weak, for it is in my weakness that His power is made perfect. I pray for transparency in my life, so that I may be a witness to His amazing power. And I pray that He continue to fill me with the cross, so that I may never forget who I am in Him.

Blessings

Have you ever had something that you were trying to do that kept getting mixed up. Rescheduled, cancelled, postponed. Did you let it frustrate you, upset you, disappoint you? I know I have been guilty of all of those reactions. And even now as I'm learning to see things as blessings instead of curses it can still be hard to avoid those emotions altogether. But I'm so impressed by how good God is. Without me even asking for it He is helping my perspective shift, helping me see how sometimes a change of plans can be an opportunity. He gave me a few unexpected moments of free time today, and they are turning into an amazing blessing. Plans that were cancelled only 13 hours ago would have otherwise upset and frustrated me, and instead He is showing me how He planned for my morning (and probably my entire day) to go. Even as much as waking up this morning... He is rewarding my desire to spend every morning with Him first, and blessing me with unexpected extra moments of sleep, time for exercise, for projects to get done, and for more focused time with Him.

I have been getting up at 6:30 lately. The kids know they aren't allowed to come out of their bedrooms until 7:30, so I set my coffee pot up in my bathroom, set the timer on it for 6:15, and by 6:30 I am greeted by a quiet house and a hot cup of coffee. I take that into my closet and have a full hour to spend with my God. We talk, I read, I study, and usually I cry. It is the best way to start my day, and it shapes my attitude for the rest of the day. Today I looked at the clock, saw 6:23 and decided I'd take advantage of that extra 7 minutes to keep my eyes closed. Mistake. Or was it? When I opened my eyes again it was 7:28 and I panicked. But just for a moment, as I felt that voice stirring in me, saying 'it's okay... I have other plans.' So I stopped panicking, and went about getting the kids up and ready for school. Once I had them dropped off I could come back home (because of my other plans that were just cancelled late last night) and spend as long as I wanted sitting in my closet, reading, praying, crying, reading some more, and calling out to my God with no hesitation, no worry about who would hear, or who I would disturb, no pressure that a little hand would open the door. It was an awesome, unexpected, unbridled time that I needed so desperately. I was rejuvenated by such an awesome time that I decided to go for a run. I rarely get to run past the end of my treadmill, so I put on my outdoor running shoes and a sweatshirt, and took off. After 2 miles and several songs on my mp3 player belted throughout my subdivision my neighbors might think I'm nuts, but I feel great. And now God continues to bless me as my Christian music rocks through the walls of my house, and I plan to spend some time working on a home project and reading over and prayerfully considering the agenda for tonight's meetings. Cancelled plans that would have otherwise left me disappointed and discouraged have turned into an extra hour of sleep, some priceless time with my Abba, an energizing 2 mile run, and some time to feel productive. What an awesome blessing.

So what has disappointed you lately. How could it have been a blessing in disguise? How can you look for God's surprises in your cancellations?

Song

Have you heard this song. It is by JJ Heller, called Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

Messages

You know, it is funny. I always used to wonder when I was a kid how people said they heard God speak to them. I didn't really get it. Did some loud powerful voice boom down from above? Was there an audible noise that they heard, just as they heard me or any other human talking? Did the radio go static, then sputter in and out a bit before God's voice tuned in loud and clear for a conversation? I imagined all sorts of ways to hear God speak. But I never really understood how it worked, until I learned to listen. And God is even more creative than my wild imaginations ever were. And more faithful, and more powerful.

God speaks to me whenever I still myself enough to listen. Gentle murmurings to my heart that I can only feel, songs sung by someone else played at just the right moment, stories told, words spoken, writings that have been around for years surfacing at just the right moment. In so many amazing ways He speaks. He knows what is in my heart, the good and the bad. The joy and the struggle. And He speaks to both. He speaks even when He knows I probably won't listen. And the more I hear His voice, His message, the more I feel how intimately and personally He knows me, and wants me to know Him, and the more I long for more. More moments to listen, more messages from Him, more self-control to follow His plan and walk His paths, more of His amazing, life-changing, humbling, fulfilling, awesome grace and mercy. I am saved by the blood of Christ, a child of God, secure in my place with Him in heaven some day. But I don't want that to be it. I want to walk with Him every day that I'm here on earth. I don't want to wait for heaven to spend time adoring, loving, and drawing closer to Him... I want to hear his messages now. Pray that I will take more time to listen.

Timing

His timing is always perfect, isn't it?

I must admit I've had some struggles lately. Some things that I've fought with and some areas I've felt weak. I have felt like Paul: I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. I know that God desires more from me, and I know I am the only one who can make the necessary changes to give Him more. I feel weary with all that I am juggling, and I feel like I have no hope for rest.

I unexpectedly had some time to myself tonight, as P is out late at work. Exhausted, I got dinner accomplished and the kids put to bed on my own, and I totally wanted to collapse on the couch and take a nap. But for some reason I decided to have a cup of coffee (yes, that is the 4th one today! Ack!) and suddenly I felt infused with an energy and craving for some quiet time. Maybe it was God whispering at just the right moment, and my heart being open to hearing it. Or maybe it was just the smell of coffee that made me think of mornings and waking up with God and a cup of java. Either way, I took my cup to the closet and opened my Bible. I'm SO glad I did. God truly is good, and He has messages written in just the right words to meet every need and every situation. His living Word will always be the source.

As I worked through a lesson in my current study I felt closer to my God, encouraged by His provision in the story I was studying, humbled by His power and the faith of His people. And I thought I was learning more about His history, growing in knowledge of Him, His promises, His faithfulness, His dependability. Until I realized He had a message for me, now, tonight. Out of nowhere I ended up in a different chapter (heck, I went from Old Testament to New!) and landed in Acts, chapter 3 verses 19-20. And boy did I need to read these words tonight.

So you must change your hearts and lives! Come back to God and He will forgive your sins. Then the Lord will send the time of rest. And He will send Jesus, the One He chose to be the Christ.

Thank you, Father, for being slow to anger, quick to forgive, and full of mercies that are truly new every morning. Thank you for the time of rest, and for your Son, who secured our place with you, our identity in you, and welcomes us home when we've gone astray.

The Appointment

Okay, let's face it. Life has just gotten busy. I know, the kids are still preschoolers. I can hear it now, "just wait until they are teenagers," "you know it is only going to get worse," "you haven't seen anything yet!" But honestly, I'm just feeling busy. I have a lot on my plate, my dear hubby has a ton on his, and the kids are increasingly adding to the weekly schedule. I have found that it is becoming more and more difficult to juggle the collective "family" calendar, and that the one that holds my obligations is looking more and more jam-packed. I have lessons, meetings, classes, gatherings, outings, workdays, appointments, and commitments. But there is one appointment that keeps me sane through the others. And it is the one I've never written down. And the one I'm most likely to skip, unfortunately.

I've only recently gotten really disciplined at keeping this appointment (and by recently I mean in the past few years). And even today I miss it when I've worked a late night or have an early morning. It is my daily appointment with my closet. Well, I guess I should say in my closet, because my clothes are the farthest thing from my mind when I stumble in there around 6:30 am. I'm there to meet my Father, and if I make it there and spend time with Him, everything else about my day seems to go better. It started out with a book that I wanted to study, which led to a series of studies, a year of reading the Bible cover to cover, and many other books, reflections, exercises, and studies along the way. My time with God has become so vital that I feel lost without it. I get irritable, I make poor choices, and I'm more easily influenced by the sin and sway of the world. Starting my day in my closet gets me good and grounded for everything life throws at me for the next 23 hours.

It was so easy to make excuses, to say I didn't have time. And it still is. Sometimes I rationalize that I need the sleep or I can't stay awake enough to focus. But when I honestly look at how much that time changes my day (and my life) I can't afford to go without it. The benefit far outweighs the cost, and I would be stupid to miss that precious investment in my day. And God is pushing on my heart right now. Amidst the busyness, the chaos, the hectic pace I'm keeping, He's telling me I need to give Him more. He's asking for more time, more faithfulness in showing up, more delighting in Him and more purposeful devotions. But how can I manage that? How can I fit it in? How can I survive on even less sleep? Yet I can hear the whisper of His voice, begging me for more, promising me that He will fill the places I can't reach, asking me to give it all back to Him, reassuring me that He will work out the rest. How can I not? How can I go one more day without setting that alarm clock just a little earlier, without starting to look for how He wants my days to begin and following His design? If you pray, pray for me now. Pray for my mornings to be earlier, for my appointments to be deeper, for my coffee to be stronger, and for my faithfulness to endure. For this appointment is the one that can change my life. How can I not show up?

Firsts...

I was thinking today, and I just had to journal about what I came up with. It isn't really a new or astonishing revelation, but God really cemented a lesson in my heart today. I was thinking about how God blesses us when we bring Him our firsts. Like my quiet time. I used to think I was way too busy to spend an hour with God every day. If I had a minute to focus on prayer and quiet time, I was lucky! No matter how well I planned, something always came up or interrupted. But finally I just made a choice to get up early and spend time with God then. Sure, I work crazy hours, often until 3am (getting home closer to 4am!) - see the time stamp on this post for instance. And sure, I'm usually pretty grouchy if I haven't gotten my rest. And honestly I've never in my life been a morning person. But it kept coming back to me, that God deserved those first few moments of my day. That those were the times least likely to be interrupted, distracted, or shoved aside for some other chore or responsibility. So I decided to give it a try. There are many mornings that I'd much rather stay in bed when I smell the coffee brewing, or would much rather pull the blankets tighter around me than climb out from under them. But when I am faithful to my committment and I crawl out of bed and meet God in my closet for those first few moments of my day, He truly comes through for me. I am filled with a peace I otherwise couldn't imagine, a patience that comes from well beyond my capabilities, a strength that is far from my own. He blesses my socks off all day long, simply because I came to Him first. I gave Him my first moments, my first thoughts, my first fears and wishes and anxieties, and desires.

It worked the same way with money, really. We have never made as much money as our intelligence/earning potential says we should. We choose to be public servants instead, but that is another story. My point is that we've never had an excess of money to throw around. Things have been tight- at times tighter than others. There was a time before we decided to be a tithing family that we couldn't have dreamed of giving that much money "away." A series of messages were laid on our hearts that led to us taking the step to tithing. Trust me, we couldn't imagine how it would work, where the money would come from, what we'd miss or forfeit to make it happen. But we knew we were supposed to do it, that God expected His tithe, and that we needed to make it work. Really, we realized that everything we had we owed to Him anyway, so we rejoiced that He let us keep a full 90%! We went in a single day from throwing whatever extra cash we had in our pockets into the offering plate, to writing out a check for at least 10% every week. It was huge, and we were scared. But when we brought God the first, he blessed the daylights out of the rest. Suddenly things stretched farther, money just happened to come in unexpectedly at the same time as an unanticipated expense. Things just worked, in ways that we still to this day often don't understand. But I know that God's hand is all over it. He loves that we bring our first to Him, and He provides more than we need and then some with what we have left. His mercies overflow, his goodness endures, and our storerooms are filled abundantly.

So I want to learn to bring God my first in everything I do. I want to make it my goal to always give God the first of anything I have. My desires, my needs, my hopes, my dreams... I want to bring them to Him first and lay them at His feet. I know that He will meet me there, that He will be faithful to His promises, and that He will bless me in abundance. I pray that the earthly distractions will fall away, that my heart will be filled with His affection, and that I will rejoice in his goodness forever. To seek Him first in all that I do, that is my prayer.

Weary

So I got in bed at a reasonable hour last night (well... reasonable as compared to the 4:20am hour of the night before). I got a decent night's sleep. I woke up at a respectable hour this morning. I had my usual cup of morning coffee. Yet I'm still exhausted. I think things have just caught up with me today, and I need to rest. I'm weary of holding my eyes open, but I'm weary of the pressures and burdens I feel I am carrying. I know in my head what I need to do, but my shoulders need a break from the weight of it all.

So, I'm going to log off of this computer, turn on my local Christian radio station, flip on the gas-log fireplace, and curl up under my blanket. I'm hoping God sends some sweet, heart-changing tunes my way, and rocks me off to some much-needed sleep.
I hope your afternoon is equally peaceful.

Today...

Hey, pictures are a post at least, right?

:)

Insecurity

I'm doing an amazing Bible Study with an amazing group of women. God really knew what He was doing when he led me to this group. I'm constantly challenged, inspired, molded, and encouraged by this awesome group of Godly women. We're in the middle of Beth Moore's Esther study (have I mentioned that already? Sorry!) I've studied Esther before, but Beth's study is turning out to be an awesome fresh look at this amazing story.

One thing that stood out to me last night during our gathering was Beth's message about meanness, about how it is usually preceded by a feeling of threat, and that it is often based in insecurity. She said that anger is a source of power for those who feel they have none otherwise. And she said that we should identify the source of threat and address our insecurities. One thing that really touched me was when she talked about healing our insecurities in a God way. She expounded that we should be careful not to look for earthly approval, affirmation, or assurances to meet these insecurities. Beth reminded me that we can't look to anyone on this earth to meet our emotional needs or heal our personal insecurities. For if we do, we will want and need more earthly healing, will push to find it, and will be disappointed. Because humans are imperfect, and human reassurances will fade, human supports will fail, and human relationships will disappoint us. Every one of them at least once, and most more than once. Unfortunately, nobody on this earth is or can be perfect. Only one source can bring true and lasting healing, only one friend can be an unfailing support, only one ear will always be there to listen. And that one is The One, the I Am, the One and Only, the Beginning and the End, the Almighty God. He is the only one we should look to for healing, for meeting our needs, for filling up our hearts, and for covering our insecurities. For any moment we spend searching for earthly help and hope is one less moment we spend seeking Him fully. And that is the only way we'll truly be found- in seeking Him wholly.

Winter Wonderland

Wow, this has been quite the winter for snow and icy weather! We had our first big snow back in December, coinciding with my family's Christmas party. It was crazy fun to sled and tromp togeher with Aunts, Uncles, and cousins in the snow, and crazy insane to drive home in the madness. But we survived and fun was had by all. The second big snow came last weekend, while I was working and P and the kids stayed home to play. I camped out with friends in town after working late, then came home and shoveled and played in the snow. Weekend snow storm take 2 was this weekend, and again I was working, camping out, and working during the worst of the weather. The kids haven't been to school in a week and a half, and the only time they've been away from our yard or house was for a brief 45 minute gymnastics class on Thursday. I think cabin fever is common among our friends, but we're actually doing pretty well around here. I am hopeful that this is a sign that we may actually survive homeschooling next year! (Yes, we're still leaning towards that as our schooling choice!) We've done workbook pages, colored, written Christmas thank-you's (yes, a little behind, but they're done!), taken adventure walks through the woods, built a (now flattened) snowman, done music and reading lessons, painted, read LOTS of books, and done geography studies with our new globe. The kids are actually behaving better overall than I would say they had in weeks past, and my sanity is as secure as ever (not saying much, but hey, what do you want!?!) :)

I'm excitedly looking forward to my women's Bible Study group tonight, we're doing Beth Moore's Esther study. We had a week of because of the weather, during which time I've been devouring Becky Tirabassi's Let Prayer Change your Life. I'm feeling confident that God is moving in my heart, getting ready to launch me into a new season of drawing nearer to Him and leaning on Him in all things. I am filled with nervous anticipation, self doubt, and excitement. Funny how these things work, huh!?!

On another note, this weather isn't very conducive to outdoor exercise! I have recently been considering moving forward in my goal of finishing a sprint-distance triathlon. I have researched local races, looked into training programs, and talked with my big sis about doing it together. (Well, she'll smoke me time-wise, but we'll at least go to the same race on the same day!) I still need to do more research about bikes, find a place to swim, and get outside and do it! I'll train with my mountain bike for now, and watch for opportunities to get a street bike. I'm hoping to find a reasonably priced way to swim (and a time of the week to accomplish this! Ha Ha Ha!) Running is always possible on the treadmill, but I KNOW that I'll have to fit in some street runs sooner than later. Meanwhile I stay on the treadmill alternating hills with speed work.

Okay, so this has been more rambling thoughts than really a post about our winter weather, but hey... you're still reading! *giggle* Okay, this meets my goal of posting more. Like I said, quantity will precede quality. But hopefully someday God will facilitate both hand in hand. For now... have a fantastic day!

Letting go... and holding on

So, plans change, things shift, then something happens and they change again. It is funny how I've stopped stressing about the details so much and am learning to just go with the flow. Take this week, for instance. P had been planning to pick up a much needed dog crate from the southside, but got called away yesterday. Initially I planned to make the 1 hour trip down with the kids and get it myself, until the kind friend we're picking it up from offered for P to just reschedule for today. Great! So this morning I was planning to drop the kids at school, run a quick errand, have an hour or so to myself, then visit with my friend for an hour before heading back to pick the kids up. Change of plans #1 (for today) hit with a phone call from the kids' teacher telling me school had been closed because of weather. Okay. I can deal, the kids will just have to come with me to my girlfriend's house, and the errand can easily wait. Meanwhile, the phone rings again and it is P. He's gotten called away again and doesn't think he'll make it to pick up the crate. No problem. The kids and I have some free time before heading to my girlfriend's house, so we'll head down today. I rouse them up and am hurrying to get them warmly dressed and ready to hit the road, knowing the drive might take a bit longer because of weather, and am hoping to get this done a bit early before things get too scary out there. In the back of my mind I have a small feeling of hesitation, knowing it may not be the safest idea to hit the road with the rain/sleet falling and my two precious angels in the car, but poor puppy simply can not fit in his current abode another night. So I prepare to press on. I call my girlfriend and we plan to play it by ear, but possibly meet a little later than originally scheduled, but to include lunch together at her place. Until... yet another phone call. P reports (to my delight) that he may actually be able to make it after all. He's handled the call he had and is able to swing by and pick up the crate himself as originally planned. Phew. By now my plans have changed many times, but I'm still not at all stressed. What happened to me? Anyway, I get the kids back out of their jackets and into warm socks and snuggly clothes, and let them settle down with an activity to pass some time while I regroup. I glance outside and see something falling, something that looks suspiciously like snow but sounds and feels more like icy rain. Yeah, God knew we shouldn't be out driving an hour down and an hour back in this weather. And I still don't know whether or not we'll try to go visit with our friend, or if we'll call another friend in the neighborhood instead. (One in walking distance!) Either way, I'm learning to let go of my own plans, my own ideas and rigid schedules. I'm learning to let God work things out, to hold on to His hand, and to listen to His nudgings.

I still have so far to go but the desire is growing within me to draw closer to God. I know I need to. I know I want to. I'm just working out exactly how to. God has placed some ideas, resources, tools in my hands, and I'm on the verge of using them to the fullest potential. I pray that God helps me make the committment needed to really make it work.

Wow!

So I realized that I've been journaling privately a LOT lately- on paper and in private. I guess there have been some things I just couldn't bring myself to "put out there" if you will. I have been facing some insecurities, trudging through some knee-deep muck of life, and just withdrawing. I guess in some ways it is good to be private and introspective at times, to really connect with God alone and quietly seek His words on things. But what I'm realizing more and more as time goes on that I lose a level of accountability. I know that there are few (if any) people who read this blog. That is fine. It is really here for me, and for whatever plans God has for it. But knowing it is out there, public, and available to anyone God might want it to reach does tend to add a certain layer of accountability for me. I can't put it into words well, but I know what I mean, so that is what matters.

So, I'm going to try to do better. I'm going to set a goal to post something on here at least 3 times a week. Sure, I'd love to say I'll post every day! But realistically... I would probably fail and be left feeling more inadequate than I already have lately. So I'm setting a smaller goal, one more attainable and reasonable. And one that is definitely open for revision once it is consistently met. :) So... look out below, because some days you may pop in here and find random, rambling, insanity! But at least it will be current! :)