What do they see?

I was recently spending some time in reflection, worship, and prayer, and something was on my heart. I was considering how I have changed in one particular area- my feelings about what people think of me. It used to be that I really worried about what others thought of me. I was concerned with being liked, with people thinking I was smart or funny or talented, with people respecting or admiring me. I truly yearned for human acceptance and affirmation. Well, God has brought me far, and although I'm not completely freed from wanting to be liked in this world, I am much less affected and driven by the need for human acceptance and praise. This is such a freeing and delightful blessing.

So anyway, suddenly, during my quiet time with God I was hit with the question: "what do people see when they look at me." And suddenly, this question took on a new purpose in my heart. I no longer want to be able to answer things like "they like me" or "they think I'm smart" or "they think I'm talented." Suddenly I want them to see much less of me and more of Jesus in me. I don't want them to notice the gifts God has given me, but instead to see how God is glorified by how I use those gifts. I want to truly honor God with every thing I do.

I realized that it doesn't matter what other people see when they look at me, but at the same time it does matter what people see when they look at me- maybe now more than ever. It no longer matters to who I am, but it matters to who God is. It no longer matters to my heart what others see, but it matters many times more to God's kingdom. The opinions of others no longer have control of my life, they won't change a thing about me or about how I see myslef. I will no longer allow them to make a difference to my heart, but I want them to make every difference in their hearts. I want them to see what God has done for me, and what he continues to do for me every day. I want them to see Him glorified when they look at me, and to see how amazing his gifts can be when put to good use. I want them to see more of Him, and less of me. I want them to see His peace, His glory, His strength, His grace, His gifts, and His love to shine through, so that they will want to feel those same things in their own lives, and to discover and use the talents they have been blessed with for His glory too.

So it no longer matters what they see, but strangely, it now matters more than ever. It doesn't matter to who I am, but it is all important to who God is. Praise the Lord, for his goodness and mercy endure forever.

Miserable

Not me!
But there has been much misery around our home the past 2 days. Out of nowhere yesterday morning, my Brianna announced, "Mommy, the snot is in my nose and I don't like it!!!" She was so sincere, even to the point of being angry at said snot. How cute! Poor little bug just felt miserable the rest of the day. She still played hard, as she is known to do, but whenever there was down time, she was snuggled on a pillow, in my arms, or in her bed, often whining or crying. I took advantage of the chance to snuggle her as much as I could. I want her to remember feeling comforted, enveloped in hugs, and snuggled close whenever she feels miserable. I want her to know all of the earthly love I can give her, so that she gets but a glimpse of God's awesome comforting love from above.

Well, as life would have it, today Caleb has been a bit "off." He's cried more tears today than in the past month, and most without good reason. Every little thing has set him off, just making him moan and bawl. So today is his day to snuggle. Except when his sister, who is still not 100%, is in my arms. Then a "discuusion" ensues over who gets which side of Mama's lap. What a sweet argument to referee! :) I'm so blessed.

Funny story- we're planning a trip in September (I'll write more about it at some point, I'm sure) that entails a flight for the four of us. We're debating the stroller issue. We'll definitely want one at our destination, but P isn't sure he'll want to deal with bringing one through the airport, dealing with it during security searches, and checking it at the plane. So we're trying to sort through how we would manage in the airport with 2 adults, 2 preschoolers (having just turned 3 and 4), and 4 carry-on bags. Without anyone or anything getting trampled. Or stolen. Or lost in the chaos. So, to get back to my point, I was talking about how the last time Brianna flew she was 8 weeks old, and she and I flew to Florida, just us two. I was saying how easy it was then because I just wore her on my chest and my hands were totally free for luggage, etc. Well, that got me thinking... last time I vacuumed Caleb was upset, so I put him in my ABC in a back carry. It worked great! Well, that wasn't so long ago, and if we could vacuum in it, then why couldn't we traverse an airport together? He won't grow that much between now and September, will he? So I decided to give it a try and see how he did in it, and if I could find a reasonable carry that could get us through an airport. Well, Caleb was not interested in cooperating with various ways of me wearing him, but fortunately his sister was dying to be strapped to my back. So... after trying several different options I decided that I could easily wear either of them through the airport with very little difficulty! And the best part is that my ABC balls up smaller than a sweatshirt, so it will be easy to stuff into my carry-on when not in use. So yes, my daughter (who is almost 4) got worn all over the house on a day she is sick. Indulgent. We were both in heaven. :)

Little mirrors

I have heard it dozens of times, "She looks just like you!" I have to admit, I beam inside when I hear that. She is a gorgeous, delightful little girl and I am proud to hear it said that she resembles me in any small way. But lately I've learned more and more how watching my little ones can be like looking into little mirrors... in so many ways. When I am going about my daily routine I am never doing it in secret. Even in the comfort and privacy of my own home, I always have someone (well two someones actually) watching me. My little ones are learning, each and every day, how to act by watching me. They watch what I do, they watch what I say, they watch my attitude, my interactions, my moods, and my reactions. I am constantly under scrutiny- and not for criticism's sake, but as a model to two of the most important people in my life.

I saw it even more clearly this past Sunday. It was a fabulous day where we got to celebrate my wonderful hubby for the awesome Father that he is. I am truly blessed to have him on my team in this parenting adventure- he has proved more than once lately that he helps me be what I am all the time. But I digress... so all morning I was telling the kids, "tell Daddy happy Father's Day! Don't forget it is a special day, we need to give him lots of extra love today!" I prompted and urged them, and they would say it whenever prompted, but I was hoping they'd just do it spontaneously, without encouragement. Finally I gave up. It didn't seem to mean the same thing when it was prompted and scripted for them, so I stopped forcing them to say it. But it was still Father's Day, and I was determined to make it special for P. We had a great day together, doing whatever he wanted to do and eating what he wanted to eat. I prayed over our meals and always included a thanks to our heavenly Father for the amazing earthly father who leads our home. I thanked and praised him over and over for specific ways he keeps our family going, and for being the great father that he is. Well, before long the kids were doing it too, without me asking! They saw me lavishing him with praise and thanks and love, and they joined right in. It was awesome, and I hope P felt loved and appreciated.

But the thing I realized most of all out of that day was how much more important it is to model good character than it is to talk about good character. They are watching. They are learning more from what they see me than from what I tell them to do. Wow. What an honor. And what pressure! The Bible says that what is in the heart will come out when your guard is down, and I pray every day that God will grow and change and perfect my heart so that it is completely true to Him. I pray that I can heal and release all of the negative, hurtful, and unGodly things in my heart, so that my little loves will never see them modeled. I pray that, even under pressure, I can be an example of how to live, how to love, and how to serve. So that the scrutiny that I live under every day can be a testimony to God's healing, awesome, uplifting power and the amazing life that comes along with it.

I'm really growing up these days. You know, I thought I was all grown up. But I was wrong. The older my kids get and the more I grow as a Mom, the more I realize how important it is for me to be the best me that I can- the real me that God designed. At home is where my heart is truly growing, changing, and becoming more like God intended. And I am really liking it.

My Whirlwind...

Wow, I've been going, going, going since last Tuesday! I'm exhausted, WAY behind on my household stuff, and just plain ready for a break.

It all started with a wonderful visit with our dear Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin here in Richmond. We spent Wednesday at their home playing, fellowshipping, eating, and just having fun. We unfortunately had to rush home in time for me to have a phone conference that afternoon, and then we spent the evening packing. Thursday morning we loaded up and hit the road early and headed up to Springfield for 7 dentist appointments in under 24 hours. Yes, we do go to Springfield to go to the dentist (some things are worth driving for!) and yes, the four of us did have 7 appointments in under 24 hours- count with me. We all had checkups/cleanings Thursday morning (the first 4 appointments), then we headed back to my mother-in-law's house for lunch. We put the kids down for naps and got things settled there and then P and I headed back to the dentist for appointments #5 & 6. From our last visit to the dentist we knew that I had two fillings that needed attention, and my dear P had 3.What we found out in the morning visit was that P had another 4 areas of concern. So that afternoon I got my 2 spots taken care of and P got 3 of his fixed. We took his Mom out for dinner for her birthday, then got the kids in bed and took a long walk down memory lane for P and his Mom. It was neat to see pictures, toys, and videos of his childhood. Friday morning P got up bright and early again and headed back to the dentist to get 2 more spots taken care of (appointment #7!) Luckily the other two areas are minor enough that they think they may resolve on their own, so my poor husband was finally ready to have feeling back in his face. While he was in the dental chair, the kids, mother-in-law, and I headed out to the stables where she keeps her horse and teaches lessons. On the way I was yawning incessantly, and I couldn't figure out why... other than the fact that I'd been up way late fixing a computer for MIL, but I had a cup of coffee with breakfast just as I always do... until dear MIL announced that she had switched to drinking decaf! Well, I drink half-caff at home, and let me tell you, there is a difference! :)

We had a blast at the stables. MIL arranged for two of the lesson ponies to be available for us to put the kids on, and hubby met us there and got to ride his horse again. This sweet horse has really become his mother's now, but it was the one he rode and showed in competitions during his high school years. The kids took many walks around the ring on those two ponies, and they had so much fun. Brianna even got to sit up on "daddy's horse" and walk a bit. It was a fabulous morning, but a lot of work for a mama to keep up with two preschoolers and groom, tack, and hold onto two ponies at the same time. I was exhausted and a little tense by the time we left. But we all made it home safely, except for my big toe that got squished by a pony, but that's okay.

We got home Friday just in time for dinner, and put the tired kids to bed in their own rooms. We spent Friday night unloading, unpacking, and sorting through the boxes of toys P had brought back with us. Saturday I headed off to work and spent my typical 12 hours of fun in the ER. Sunday morning brought Father's day, and we headed to the early 9am service at church. Afterwards, P wanted to do something fun, so we decided to check out a local pool/water park. Caleb preferred to people-watch from my lap, so I relaxed in the sun while Brianna and P splashed, swam, and took the slides dozens of times all day. We all had a LOT of fun and came home wet, tired, and happy. Sunday evening we spent some time unloading the waterlogged clothes and towels, cleaned up a bit, and visited with our neighbors, enjoying the beautiful summer night on the back porch.

Yesterday morning Brianna and I headed out to her Monday morning horseback riding lesson where we were joined by a friend and her little girl who were previewing the lesson. Brianna had a FABulous ride. I was just so proud of her and amazed at how beautiful she looks up on horseback. After lessons we had to rush home so I could take a quick shower before heading to work. I don't think my patient's would have liked it if I came in smelling like horse dung and hay. Just a guess. I had 17 minutes to clean up, quick change, and get on the road to work. I worked a short 8 hour shift yesterday, then headed straight to a meeting of the church leadership team. I got home around 10:30... and had to spend a long time weeding through my Inbox. I finally headed to bed, just to hear the phone ring around 4:30, poor P got called out by work, and I hope he's still wide awake enough to make it through his day.

Wow... I'm tired just writing it all. And glad to have NOTHING on my calendar today. Now my To-Do list... that is another story. :)

Phew!

Well, we just returned home from an exhausting, whirlwind trip. After 7 dental appointments, a trip to the barn, a dinner out, and a birthday celebration, we're all beat.

I'll update as soon as I can, but for now, just know I'm not abandoning blogging- just tuckered out!
:)

Not me! Tuesday?!?

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! MckMama hosts this fabulous blog carnival every week, and to get myself posting again I thought I'd join in!

First of all, I have to say that I most certainly did not wait until Tuesday to post a Not Me! post! Never! I would never procrastinate and totally miss the point of a carnival by jumping on board way late. And even if I did, I would not wait until almost bedtime on Tuesday night to write said post!

And since we're on the topic of procrastination, I did not wait until the last minute to work on Father's Day gifts... and I did not lock myself in my closet this afternoon, reportedly "reading" while I scrambled to get it done.

I did not walk out to check on my garden in my pajamas today, and I most certainly did not run into my neighbor while wearing those pajamas.

I absolutely did not get off the treadmill and head straight for the fridge tonight, and I certainly did not sit and snack for the rest of the evening. I would never!

Well, this is a totally lame post, one which I would never publish. No! Not Me!

The first fruit...

Well, it is official. I have now eaten something that my garden grew. Today I plucked the first, juicy, ripe tomato off of the vine and devoured it with my lunch! I am, of course, the only one in my house who eats tomatoes, so let's hope that the harvest is plenty enough to keep my voracious tomato appetite satisfied, without overwhelming me. I have 4 tomato plants total: one that will make big yellow tomatoes (the first one to bear a ripened, edible fruit), one that will make big red tomatoes, and two that will make smaller, yellow, pear-shaped fruit. I'm hoping the variety will keep me from getting overwhelmed. Here is the beauty that I ate today:

I'm pretty psyched about my garden. I have always wanted to have one, to grow things that I can actually eat and enjoy. I bought the Square Foot Gardening book many years ago, and tried a few of the ideas in it. But I thought I could still do it my own way, so that attempt really didn't go far. That was my last try for a while, until this year. I decided I was ALL in this time, and I was going to give it a go. So, I bought some wood, built raised boxes for beds, sectioned them off, and started much of my current crop from seed. I did buy the tomatoes, cukes, and peppers already established, but everything else came from seed packets. I have lettuce, spinach, carrots, radishes, marigolds, basil, beans, and sunflowers, all seemingly doing pretty well so far! I am a bit impatient (you'd have never guessed, would you?!?) so it is slow going in my mind, but I guess God knew I needed that "patience" lesson yet again when He prompted me to plant and tend this garden. Hmmm. When will I ever really get that one? :)

It has been fun for all of us to enjoy this garden. Even the kids get excited to see things growing and they thought it was amazing to watch me eat the tomato that they had just seen hanging from the vine moments before. They weren't impressed enough to actually eat some themselves... but that is another story.

In other news, I'm feeling much better today, thank you very much. It is funny how just when you think things are going along great, all of the sudden you get smacked in the face with a no-good, totally awful, exceedingly frustrating, very bad day. Well, at least I do. I don't know if it is Satan knocking at my door, or if it is my own tendency towards pessimism, or if it is just a fact of life here on earth... but I'm definitely subject to getting knocked down every once in a while. The amazing part is that God always helps me back up. He picks me up, brushes off the dirt, cleans up whatever wound I suffered, wraps me in a huge hug, and scoots me back on my way again. New every morning... His love and mercy let me start over every day, fresh and renewed.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it here, but I start my day in the closet every morning. I try to wake up before the rest of the house, I fix my morning cup of coffee (I know, gotta have a vice, and especially now that I'm not pregnant or nursing), and sneak back into my closet. That is where I sit, read my Bible, pray, and study God's word. That is my time with God, my time to recharge, my time to start off on the right foot. It isn't a habit that I developed until recently, but God knows how MUCH I have needed it for too long before I started it. And I am thankful that God has given me the discipline and commitment to do it faithfully. Mornings without my closet would just be a bad start to the day. I have a huge window in my closet, and where I sit the rising sun shines right in to greet me. I see it as it peeks through the clouds and streams through the trees. And as it brightens my little closet, it lights up my mind, chases the darkness and cobwebs of sleep away, and gives me a bright outlook on whatever the day holds. God meets me there, every morning, cheering my soul in a way only He can. Since I've started giving God the "first fruits" of my day, He has multiplied the blessings He showers me with throughout the rest of my waking hours. He truly is so good.

Well, this has turned into a bit of a rambling little post, so before I take you on another tangent, I'll just go enjoy the sun a little. I have some books that have been begging to be read, and some bills that didn't get paid yesterday when I chose sleep over productivity. Have a fruitful day!

I can't do it...

I am sitting here, completely blah.
I am tired. I am frustrated. I am totally unmotivated. I have no less than a half dozen things I could or should be doing, but I can't kick myself into doing a single one of them. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to clean. I don't want to work. I don't want to balance the checkbook. I can't even bring myself to pick up the phone and call a girlfriend who I've been dying to chat with for weeks. All I really want to do is curl up on the couch and close my eyes.

I don't know why. I haven't had a particularly overwhelming week. I haven't had any excessive pressures or demands the past few days. I actually have a dinner out with old friends to look forward to tomorrow night. But, right now, right here, I'm drained. All of the sudden I'm left feeling wiped out.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity," and for me, this time, right now, is for rest. So, my dear friends: happy naptime.

I want to be her...

I was reading Angie's blog today, specifically her post entitled Her, here. Now just to set the record straight, I don't want to be Angie. Let's just get that out there. But I want to be the her that she talks about in that post. I want to make that her a part of my everday life. To be "odd" as my pastor spoke about this past Sunday- to have people around me say "there's just something different about you." To be a voice of encouragement, a touch of love, a song of hope, a breath of peace to the lives that surround me every day- the hearts that I have the honor of touching as I go about my daily activities.

You see, my eyes have been opened a lot lately, to many hurts and needs all around me. I have realized that people I work with are facing struggles that I had no idea existed. Some of them the everyday battles of being a working wife and mother, some of them the temptations and demands of keeping a hectic pace, and yet others the deep, heart wrenching pain and uncertainty of life altering decisions. I have become more tuned in to the heart worries of some of my mommy-friends- feeling the weight of their struggles, the ache of their pains, and the frustrations of their battles. I have had my eyes opened to these and many more places in my daily walk where I can reach out, dig in, set an example, share a story, or offer hope. I have been faced with the realization that there are pains all around me, and that God needs hands here on this earth to work through, mouths to speak through, words to move through.

I want to be used. I want to be her as Angie said... to let God use my hands to touch someone and let them feel His healing power. I want to be a vessel for Him, a witness, an example, an encourager, a healer, a helper, a lover. I want to tell everyone around me how amazing His love is, how strong His power is, how healing His mercy is, and how perfect His will is. I want His light, His love, His heart to shine through me and touch everyone within my reach. I pray that He would take the me away, and fill me with her. Fill me with the her that He designed me to be so much that the me no longer has a place in my heart. I want to be the selfless servant that God intended for me, so that His will is best reflected in my actions and in my life. What an honor, to be the hands and feet of our precious Lord. I want to be her!

Nevermind

I was just going to write this huge long story about my day yesterday. I was going to tell you all about how I got my feelings hurt and had a tough day. I was going to whine about things other people did and said, and how I let them get to me and bug me.

But I changed my mind. I have to do that sometimes. Change my mind. If I don't I will find myself wallowing in self pity or sinking into a state of maudlin mood and woe. So I changed my mind. Not only about writing out the (really insignificant) story, but about how it affected me. I will not let something so earthly and meaningless make me question myself.

So... I had a great day today! The drama at church went FANtastic (if I do say so myself- which is probably really wrong since it was a monologue. Done by me. But it did go really well!) I got to spend some time with my family while they had lunch, tuck my kids into their beds for naps, and then I spent some time visiting with some amazing women from MOPs and eating (waaay too much) yummy food. Afterwards I came home and had a spectacular time playing with my own two kids AND my two beautiful nieces! I have the pleasure of enjoying my sister's two girls while she and her husband, her in-laws, and her two sons go on a fishing trip! The kids LOVED playing with their cousins, they delighted in a bath together, and now they are all tucked in and sleeping soundly. Ahhhh...

God is so good. He reminds me day after day that His love is all that I need. His grace is enough. His delight in me sustains me, and the hurts of this world fall away.

Every day

So I have really grown a lot over the past few years. The whole motherhood thing has shaken up my life and rearranged my perspective. God has used it, and many other things in my life, to help me really see some truths that I had been ignoring for so long. I have healed, I have grown, I have learned, I have cried, I have rejoiced. And it is barely getting started. I know so well now that God is molding and shaping me every day into what He wants in me. And some of the lessons are hard, some are recurrent, some are painful, but some are beautiful. Like this one.

You see, I've always known that when things got rough I should get on my knees. It is easy to need God and reach out to Him in the trials and the heartaches of life. That part I got many years ago. But what God had to reveal to me in a joyful little "ah-ha!" recently was that I need Him every day! And not only do I need Him, but He is right there with me, an ever present friend, all day, every day. Now don't get me wrong. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and knew all along that He was living in me. I kinda got that whole thing. But I never got the closeness, the comraderie, the every day deep seated very real need to have an intimacy and dialogue with Him every step of the way.

Maybe I'm not really doing this justice because it seemed so clear and so exciting when God revealed it to me, but as I type it just seems like 'duh!' But it is amazing to me to live my every day knowing that God loves me, that He is watching my every move, that I can turn to Him with a whisper or a shout, a song or a cry, and that He is right there ready to pick me up and dance me around the room. Isn't that amazing?! This big, awesome God doesn't wait until we're in crisis to check on us. He doesn't get too busy with other things to look down on us. He takes time to enjoy our happy days as well as our sad ones, our busy days and our lazy days, our ups and our downs. He's right there. He wants to be my best friend, and yours.

I need Him, every day, every step, every moment, every milestone. And He meets me right where I am. How awesome is that?!

Not Me! Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! MckMama has this fabulous habit of making me feel more human. So for the first time, I decided to join in the Not Me! Monday! carnival.

First of all, I do not ever have anything to say in this type of carnival. I would never be anything less than a perfect, flawless creature.

So you would completely understand that I definitely did not tell my son yesterday to wait until I had the flour mixed in before licking the cookie dough straight from the bowl. I would not allow him to stick his fingers in there, flour or no flour! And this morning when we arrived at the barn I did not allow my 3 year old to use the port-a-john because I did not forget to make her pee before we left our own home, a mere 10 minutes away. Furthermore I would have never had to go so bad that I couldn’t wait for her to finish, and I did not drop trou and squat over the urinal part of said port-a-john to relieve myself because I would never forget to go at home myself! And since we’re on the topic of her riding lessons, I did not, by any means, compare the “safety knot” used to tie the horse in her stall to the “quick release knot” I had tied two days before to restrain a ventilated patient’s hands. Never! Not me!

After riding lessons I certainly did not allow my kids to have a race down the aisle of the grocery store while using boxes of pasta as maracas. And it certainly was not me who stood in the doorway of the grocery store bathroom with my cart while I did not allow my three year old to use a stall without help or supervision. No way, not me!

I do not think I will start keeping a list of my favorite stories because I have not said out loud, “this belongs on Not Me! Monday” during the week. I would never have stories that would be at all interesting for that sort of thing!

The name says it all.

Well, God is good. And his mercies truly are new every morning. Just ask Caleb, who is back to his charming, sweet self today. :)

We've had a pretty fantastic day so far. The weather is beautiful, the kids have been happy, and I'm feeling pretty good overall. I am quite over my own lack of motivation for all things remotely resembling exercise, so pray that I get past this slump. I would SO much rather sit out on my patio in the sun with a great book than go sweat on the treadmill. I have about 4 or 5 books that I am currently reading, and I would so much rather spend time on one of them instead of working out. But... as I looked through pictures of Brianna's horseback riding lessons that were taken this morning, I couldn't help but notice how my own rump is rivaling that of the pony she rides. Ewww. I suppose the treadmill will somehow have to fit into my afternoon nap-time activities. Maybe right between mopping the kitchen and paying the bills. I guess time in the sun will have to come once the kids are awake (which means no relaxing and no reading, but hey, they're more fun anyway!)

My gardens are coming along nicely. Today I noticed that I officially have 4 tomatoes so far. Two are pretty big and will be ripening soon, one is about the size of a ping pong ball, and the other is marble sized. And there are multiple other flowering fruit-bearing shoots that will hopefully start producing soon too! How exciting. I harvested my first crop of radishes this weekend- the ones that grew on the front porch. It was a pretty pitiful grouping, only 3 worth eating out of a handful of plants. But I actually ate something I grew from seed! And Brianna just finished off the last of her cherries from her tree- she got a whole THREE this year! The garlic has sent up central shoots, so it will soon be time for me to read up on harvesting and drying that. I'm praying for a nice harvest of garlic, I'd like to replant some and still have plenty to cook with this summer.

Well, I suppose that is enough random musings for the day. I am off to start one of the naptime chores. Hmmmm, where to begin. Happy afternoon!