So I feel a bit crazy. Like I'm riding this out of control roller coaster, cresting these hills only to plummet once again. Hoping for the safety of the turnstiles while still thrilled by the excitement of the ride (well, excitement coupled with sheer terror, if that makes any sense at all). I'm holding on, white knuckled, eyes wide in anticipation, fear, excitement, adrenaline. As I think through the experience of riding a coaster and how it seems to correlate with my life, I come to some interesting realizations.

First and foremost, I want my life to be more progressive than a coaster. Not that zipping along at high speeds isn't "moving." It certainly is movement at it's most exhilarating. But movement doesn't always imply progress, unfortunately. If you think about it, you can really enjoy a coaster. You can enjoy it over and over. But it will never change. The track takes you back to the same station every time. You crest the same hills, fly over the same track. Over and over you will circle, never really going anywhere. Even the most exciting coaster would start to get old, boring, complacent even after a couple dozen loops, don't you think? I don't want infinite circles of the same track for my life. I want to go somewhere. Mentally, physically, spiritually... I want to be transformed continually, becoming more and more like what God wants me to be every day. Sure, I am who I am, and there is such JOY in being me (when I remember to BE... see yesterday's post). And there are things about me - talents, gifts, habits, hurts, characteristics that God molded into me that will always be a part of the very fiber of my being. But I am so imperfect, and God knows it. He told me that He'd be spending a lifetime working on me, if only I'd let Him- and that He would carry on that work until the day of completion in Christ. So I don't want to be stuck in an endless loop. I want to be learning, growing, stretching, morphing into His plan for my life.

The second lesson (and this one slapped me across the face... and trust me, it hurt- but aren't those the best kind?) that God placed on my heart was about trust. When that roller coaster gets terrifying (in a thrilling way... sick, huh), I never question whether or not I'll make it back to the station. I never try to steer the car in another direction, or find a way to apply brakes to the train. Sure, I may hold on for dear life. I may scream a little or even give the restraint a quick tug-check. But I just believe in the safety of the design. I trust that the car will stay on track, that I will stay in my seat, that the brakes will work when they are supposed to, and that the forces at work will all come together to make for a thrilling but safe ride. So why is it so hard for me to trust God with the same child-like faith? Why do I try to manipulate my position to find a place that feels "safer" to me? Why do I try to slam on brakes that don't exist or that I have no control over? Why do I look all around me for reassurances that the track will still be there and my car will stay on it? Why can't I just sit tight, hold on to Him for dear life, and enjoy the thrill and terror and exhiliration and blessing of life here on earth. When I'm riding that roller coaster, I just know that I am safe. My mind doesn't question it. And when I'm sitting in my closet at 6:30am every day with my coffee and my Bible I know I am safe. It is the safest, most peaceful, most fulfilling, most essential part of my day. If only I could carry that same faith and peace and trust with me in all hours of my life. I wouldn't have to look anywhere else for safety or fulfillment or affirmation... because there is only one place where I am safe. One place to be fulfilled. One power that can affirm me. And He's with me all the time.

So as I do this thing we call life, my prayer is that I learn to live my life like a roller coaster... with unquestioning faith and trust. But that I never let myself live like a roller coaster... repeating the same mistakes and habits or becoming complacent in my walk. And hopefully I'll learn to enjoy the terrifying thrills with sheer abandon, while always seeking the next coaster along the way.

No matter what...

God has a funny way of keeping me straight. And I have a bad habit of needing to be taught the same thing over and over...

So lately I've had a lot going on. Needless to say anyone would agree that I've had good right to be overwhelmed, anxious, moody. But several things have really come together for me recently and my perspective has opened up so beautifully. You see, I'm finally realizing that worrying about something, being anxious or overwhelmed is just a futile attempt to wrestle control of my circumstances from God. Who am I to think that any worry I have will change a minute of my future. God has it all mapped out already. Sure, it may be tough. Of course there will be hard times, painful times, frustrating times. But God planned those too. And He will not move through them. He will be right by my side, walking with me, carrying me through each of those moments- if only I will wrap my arms around his neck and hold on tight.

You see, I have allowed myself to over analyze, to evaluate and plan, to estimate and manipulate as much as I possibly could to try to make things easier. Or to try to figure out what is coming next, or where I will end up next year. I have worried, and stressed, and complained, and cried over things that I had no control over and no influence on... and not one ounce of my effort made any difference in the outcome. I've prayed and cried and pleaded my case before God, begging Him to take away my pain, or to at least give me a glimpse of hope for what lies ahead beyond it. And sure, He could take it all away in a blink. He could spare me the tough times and get rid of my challenges. But I would miss the lessons learned in living through the struggles. I'd miss an opportunity to grow closer to Him as I learn to trust in His provision and keep my faith in His providence. I would never be able to say "I know" because I really wouldn't. So I rejoice in the plans He has for me.

And I am me. I am who He made me. I am everything He planned for me to be... and there is great JOY in that. I bake cookies and feed my kids the cookie dough. I sing songs at the top of my lungs and giggle with my kids as we dance around the kitchen with cleaning supplies. I take pictures all the time with any quality, size, or output camera I can get my hands on. I snuggle with all that I have and I breathe deeply when I'm holding someone I love, trying to let their scent permeate my soul, leaving an imprint of my love for them deep in my senses. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the busy, or the worry, or the trying... that I forget to just BE. I forget the things that make me ME... the little things that make up my every day.

So I'm remembering to trust in Him. To know He's got it. To believe and trust and love Him no matter what. And to always BE the me He made me... for there is joy in me.