Talk to me!

My poor Caleb had a really rough day today. I am not sure why, if he were a few years younger I'd swear he was teething. Maybe the pollen has his ears draining or his sinuses aching. I never did figure out why, but he was grouchy, moody, and angry a lot of the day today. I went in to get him up this morning and he greeted me with "I'm not READY to get up yet!" This is after he's been awake for a good 15 minutes, at least. So I cheerfully give him a good morning kiss and tell him that he's welcome to join the rest of us when he's ready to start his day. After tinkering around a bit upstairs, getting the kids' outfits for the day picked out, putting away the pile of laundry that my amazing husband washed the day before (thanks sweetie!), and getting Brianna ready to head downstairs, Caleb was still sitting in his bed. In the dark. In silence. Odd, coming from my little Mr. Smiley who usually enthusiastically greets his sister with, "Mornin' Belle!" as he runs out of his room every day.

So, I gently nudged him out of his bed and enticed him to join us downstairs for some breakfast. I think it was the promise of pancakes that helped, but that is beside the point. We had a decent breakfast hour, all things considered. He actually ate all of his pancakes, wolfed down his strawberries, then asked for bacon. After 5 minutes of debating with him about the fact that we were, regrettably, OUT of bacon, he insisted on checking for himself. At which point I said "Go ahead, check!" He popped over to the fridge, opened the drawer, found no bacon (shocker!), then quickly decided to have turkey pepperoni for breakfast. Ewww. But oh well, protein is good in the morning, right? After breakfast we were all getting dressed, shod, and combed for church when Caleb decided that it just wasn't for him. He wanted nothing to do with putting his clothes on, so he stripped off his pajamas and ran away from me. Repeatedly. The first time I made a joke of it, you know, a little game, thinking maybe he just wanted to play. He didn't. He really didn't want his clothes on- which is unusual since we have never been the "bare bottom" type of household. I think he was just too interested in his remote controlled digging truck. But I digress... so I chased him down and began to show him just how NOT joking I had become. He slithered away one too many times and after a stern warning he was taken straight to time out. As I was telling him "You are in time out for..." he reared back and slapped my face. Oh. My. Stars. Ummm, this is NOT okay, and this is very NOT normal for him. I was FUMING. So I said "You will get an extra punishment for that when your time out is over." And I went to the garage to quickly figure out what that extra punishment would be. After I put out the flames in my ears.

And that was just before church. During Sunday School he refused to do the craft. After church he hid between the door and the wall, just watching through the crack and not socializing like he normally does. After lunch he threw a HUGE tantrum resisting his nap. Thankfully he slept fabulously for over 2.5 hours at nap time, and I was SO hopeful that his evening would turn around and be SO much better than his morning had been. Oh, but was I wrong. Once again I cheerfully greeted him once I heard evidence on his monitor that he was awake. Once again he firmly planted his bottom on his pillow and refused to leave his bed. I tried to cheer him up, entice him out, but to no avail. He wanted to "stay in bed still sleeping" at all costs. Eventually I got busy making dinner and Brianna went outside to help Daddy wash the car, and at some point Caleb heard that there *might* be motorcycles at the neighbor's house. Which FINALLY got him out of his room. But once outside he must have put in ear plugs because there was nothing telling me he could hear a thing I said to him. And even better, at dinner time Caleb decided he didn't want to eat, he was ready for bath. So he refused to come to the table. Now, I really don't have a problem with my kids going to bed hungry if they refuse to eat the food I put in front of them. But I do feel strongly about the fact that we sit down together as a family around the dinner table. So yet another struggle ensued, landing Caleb back in time out. After his time was served and his apologies offered I buckled him into his booster back at the table. At which point he smacked his plate, sending it into his sister's lap and launching his dinner across the room. Yes, he went back to time out, this time bawling. I was pulling out my hair (figuratively of course) at this point, so frustrated and confused. What is going on with him!?!? I wondered. Why has he been so angry and disobedient and contradictory today? I just couldn't figure it out. Something had his mood soured and I didn't know what it was. I was frustrated. I was worn out from the constant disciplining. I was saddened to see him acting this way. I was hurting for him, feeling his frustration and displeasure, but truly unable to figure out why he felt this way. I was questioning my parenting, searching for where I went wrong.

You know, in retrospect, today's outbursts may have been largely about control. He is two. He wants it. I am his mom. I have it. He is trying to wrestle it away. I will not give in. Sure, I give him reasonable choices and allow him some levels of independence. But at the core of it, his Daddy and I are the authority. Or maybe that wasn't it at all. At one point during dinner- in between his many trips to time out- I bluntly asked him, "Caleb, what is wrong, buddy? Why are you having such a rough day?" He wouldn't answer. All he would say was, "No me want to talk about it." And most of the time he'd just ignore me and whine or moan. Now, rationally, I know that I was unlikely to get an emotionally mature response from a frustrated 2 year old. But my instinct was to beg him to talk to me. To implore him to open up, tell me what was wrong so I could help him fix it. He had no way to understand that I could probably fix whatever was irritating him with something completely simple. If he was hurting, I could medicate him. If he needed snuggles, I could curl him up on my lap. If he was hot, I could turn the air on. If he was tired, I could offer him rest. If only he'd tell me what was wrong... if only he'd talk to me!

As I was cuddling him this evening and reading him a book before bed (our night DID finally end on a happy, snuggly, loving note), I got the message loud and clear. And it has been refined and enhanced to me as I take the time to write. God whispered in my ear... sweetheart... talk to me! You see, prayer has never been my strongest gift. I admit, I have struggled with it and need to constantly work on it. But the times that I have deepened my prayer life have been the times I was closest to my Lord... and the times I was at most peace in my heart. Lately I've been letting life get by me. I've kept up with my Bible reading and with my devotionals. But my prayer time has been slacking. At the same time I've been overwhelmed with commitments, expectations, deadlines, and emotional drains. I've gotten into a rut of just "surviving" instead of truly living. And I presume that my mood hasn't exactly been all roses and sunshine. But those of you who have noticed don't have to confirm that too emphatically, please. I can imagine God, looking down at me. First saying "sweetheart... I am your Father. I will always have control." Oh, isn't that a lesson I've had to learn about 15 million times. And then when I get increasingly frustrated, when I start losing it and acting ridiculously like a 2 year old, I can just hear God whispering, "talk to me. Tell me what you need. Ask for my help. I can heal you. I can calm you. I can strengthen you. I can carry you. Just talk to me." Wow. How amazing. My problems are nothing for Him. He can make them disappear with a wave of His hand. And He can carry me through anything He chooses to let me endure. And if I just lean on Him, reach for His hand, I don't have to feel out of control. For His control is far more perfect than mine could ever be.