Letting go

I am a very forgiving person. I don't typically hold grudges, and I am usually very quick to forgive and forget. I even avoid confrontation and just let things slide off of me rather than seething or grumbling about them repeatedly. But sometimes, every once in a while, something gets to me. It hadn't happened in a while, fortunately, and I didn't really have any one person or event that came to mind when asked "what is bugging you?" But right now... there is something. Well, I guess I should say: recently, there was something. Because I pray that God has truly changed my heart about this and helped me let it go for good.

You see, there once was a girl who I got to know. Not a "best friend" by any means, but someone I began to chat with, relate to, and even trust in many ways. We had a lot in common, and shared similar views on some things. We helped each other out and I even began to enjoy having the chance to be around this girl. At one point during our growing friendship she made me a promise. A promise that I believed, as I had seen her keep the same promise to someone else. Somewhere along the way she decided that it was okay to break this promise. And she did. And when she did it left me feeling used, betrayed, and disrespected. I felt like my feelings, my life was so unimportant to her that she could just walk away from this promise without a second thought. It hurt, and I won't deny it. And the emotional impact of her decision was far worse than the undelivered goods of the promise. It was no longer about what I didn't get, it was suddenly about what I meant (or didn't mean) to her. And that hurt.

This promise was broken quite some time ago. Way longer ago than I care to admit, even to myself. But the pain is still there. And every once in a while, like these past few days, the pain resurfaces- usually because of a comment or an action that remind me of my unimportance in her world. I struggled horribly this weekend. I let anger seethe in my heart. I let my soul wrench with the repeated experience of the pain of betrayal. I let my heart ache, once again, over hurts that should have long since been healed. I cried, I yelled, and I cried some more, begging God to take away these destructive, rotting feelings in my heart. Little by little I started feeling it loosen up, I started feeling the iceberg melt, started letting the anger subside. But at the core, the pain was still there. Until today. I was reading a book about parenting and discipline and teaching to the very heart of our children. I was thumbing through a section filled with scripture that is useful for speaking God's will to their hearts, for adding validity to the rules and expectations our discipline is to enforce. And just when I thought I was trying to be a better parent to my kids, God once again reminded me that becoming a better mother is as much about becoming a better ME. Scriptures began assaulting the anger in my heart. I was flooded with Proverbs 11:24, Luke 6:30-31, Ephesians 4: 26-27, Proverbs 19:11, Romans 12:18, and most importantly, Proverbs: 20:22 : Do not say, 'I'll pay you back for this wrong!' Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you.

I was overcome by God's grace, filled with His love, and assaulted with His convicting words. I pray that He continues to use these words to soften my heart, to help me find that (usually so freely available) forgiveness that He expects from me, to end the bitterness that this situation has brought to my life. For only He can heal me. Only He can give peace to my heart. And ultimately, only He can judge.