Temper tantrums

I just love how God meets me right when I need him.

I had one of those mornings today. You know the kind- somehow you don't get enough coffee on board quite early enough, everyone seems to have their own agenda, none of which mesh well together, and several tired, impatient people end up with miscommunications and miffed feelings. So I was driving to church, alone in my car, with my family in the van in front of me. I was feeling mad, I was feeling hurt, I was feeling self righteous indignation about who knows what. I had let frustration creep in and convince me that I was unloved, unimportant, and disrespected. I was vaccillating between tears and anger, screaming harsh words as loud as I could, so much that my throat got sore. I wallowed in self pity, in anger, and in my own selfishness. I was in the midst of a full blown temper tantrum. And I didn't want out. I wanted apologies. I didn't want God to soften my heart, ease my pain- not at all. I wanted groveling, foot kissing, "I'm wrong" spouting apologies, and furthermore I wanted doting appreciation for everything I had done all week- no- all month long.

Well. God knew better. He knew that I didn't need that. He knew that if I started getting that kind of treatment, then I would start thinking I deserved it. And honestly, the impatience and the griping and the misunderstandings of the morning were as much my fault as anyone elses. I started to feel my anger simmering down, my heart softening like butter set on a warm stovetop. Wait a second! No way! Not this time. My anger flared up again and I wrestled with God. Come on! I've come so far! I'm so much less selfish these days. My expectations are so much fewer and I really do try hard all the time to serve, to love, to act for everyone except me... doesn't that earn me a day of moping. Doesn't that buy me at least one groveling apology!?!? I shook my fists in my mind and stomped my feet like a 2 year old. I could just see in my mind's eye how my heart must have looked to God. Do you remember the troll dolls with the wild hair in bright neon colors? I bet right then God looked at my heart and saw a pink-haired troll doll, shaking her fists and stomping her feet, yelling, "Me me me me me!!!"

But God is good. And He knows what we need, even when it isn't what we think we need. I wanted an earthly apology. I wanted appreciation and acknowledgement from people- people who, like me, are imperfect and incapable of meeting my every desire or need. My radio suddenly became quite clearly audible, as Third Day sang Call My Name loudly through the speakers of my car.

"It's been so long since you felt like you were loved
so what went wrong
but do you know there's a place where you belong
here in my arms
when you feel like you're alone in your sadness
it seems like no one else in this whole world cares
and you want to get away from the madness
you just call my name and i'll be there
you just call my name and i'll be there
the pain inside has erased your hope for love
soon you will find
that i'll give you all that your heart could ever want
and so much more."

My temper tantrum soon turned to tears. At first they were tears of frustration, that once again the things I swore I deserved and would hold onto in anger until I received... once again these things were melting away in importance. Once again God was softening my heart and I would be the one to give in. But the frustration over these realities soon turned to praise. To elation that God is so good that He can fill me up with His love and His presence, that He can meet my every need in a way that is so much deeper than words spoken by earthly lips can ever match. To tears of overwhelming thanks, that God could use words I have heard sung dozens of times to reach into a lonely part of my heart and fill me up with what He knew I needed. My temper tantrum was over. I didn't like letting go of the selfish, angry, indignation that my mind had so neatly justified. But the fullness that God put in it's place was so much sweeter, so much more comforting, and so much more lasting. And the peace it brings will never fail me. His love will sustain me, despite my tantrums.