Yet again...

God is so awesome!

I have had a rough patch lately, just a small one, but one nonetheless. I don't know what sparked it, but it was probably many things strung together. I love fall, school supplies, cool, crisp air, the changing and falling leaves, and football season. I love so many things about this season, and I was so surprised when I felt the all-too-familiar restlessness start to creep back into my heart. I thought I had moved past those feelings... feelings of anticipation of the unknown, feelings of unsettledness, feelings that something was missing, or not right, or about to be not right... But yet, there they were all over again. That funny, restless state that haunted me for so long.

The kids have started preschool, B has turned 4, C is now 3, and they are moving into a new season. B is enjoying her horseback riding lessons immensely, and she continues to be a sweetheart with an amazing love for people, helping, and God. She hits me with droves of questions, some of them impressively off the wall (where do the germs come out of when we sneeze?) and others impressively deep (how can God be in so many people at the same time?) C has decided to assert his independence and is pushing his boundaries every day. I am pushing back, but trying to do it in a loving but firm way that imparts discipline and a heart for God. It isn't always easy, trust me. Every day I question if I'm doing it right, or good enough, or even just enough to get by.

Work is going well, I'm enjoying my job, taking on new responsibilities, and enjoying opportunities to excel and share my knowledge and experience. The more I take on, though, the more I want to take on. Which is good, but not perfect. I do enjoy what I do, and I enjoy being a leader in informal as well as formal ways. But I know that left unchecked my ambition would run away with me and leave my true responisibilities behind. And that is what God wrote on my heart. Yet again...

I was driving along, minding my own business, only half paying attention to the music playing in my car. I was thinking about a conversation I had just overheard between two other respected leaders in my profession. They were talking about how much longer they each had before finishing their Master's Degrees, what their plans were beyond them, and how their career paths were shaping up. Part of me was, once again, longing for the chance to go back to school, to get started on my doctorate and start letting my formal education catch up with where my brain (and heart) think it already should be. I was starting to dream of ways I could balance it- going back to school- from financial and family/schedule perspectives. Then, out of the blue, suddenly the music in my car seemed louder. It really wasn't, I totally know that, but God shifted my focus and really made me hear what was being sung. This is what I heard.

I'm leting go of this life I've planned for me, and my dreams
I'm loosing control of my destiny,
it feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe.

This is a giant leap of faith
trusting and trying to embrace
the fear of the unknown
beyond my comfort zone.
But I'm letting go

Suddenly a song I've heard, sung, and really learned from in the past took on a new meaning in my heart. Well, it isn't a new lesson by any means. But it is one of the ones that God has to teach me over and over. I'm a pretty quick learner and I remember things very well. But there are a few things God has to beat over my head repeatedly, and even then I sometimes don't really get it for good. But this is one of them: It isn't all about me. My purpose is not to make Rachel happy. My purpose is not to prove how big I am, how smart I am, how much I can do, or how far I can go. God's design is for me to serve... to look beyond my own stubborn ego and truly focus on what is in front of me. My home, my husband, my family. It isn't about my own dreams for higher education (or the letters I can put after my name). It isn't about knowing what is coming every minute of every day in every week ahead. It isn't even about feeling comfortable in every situation. To truly live for God means to get over myself, let go of whatever fantasy idea I dreamed up, and to give my life for those around me. It is to walk with Him, wherever that leads, even when I can't see past the footfalls in front of me. It is to trust that His ways are so much bigger, His plan so much better, and His reward so much sweeter. And although it may be scary and uncomfortable sometimes, I keep walking, keep looking to Him, and keep trusting Him to bring this work to completion.

The peace is back... the peace of letting go of my dreams, and opening my heart to whatever God sends my way. And it is so sweet.