Dreams

So I've been thinking lately about dreaming. About how wonderful it is to imagine the things God has in store, to anticipate and eagerly await the wonders that He has planned for us. Not to forget about the joys of today, but to rest in the promises that tomorrow will come anew and that His love for us and his joy for us will grow with each day. But there is an inherent problem here for me. You see, too often in this world my dreams turn quickly into hopes. I start to imagine how I would see my future- what I would choose for my tomorrow, and my dream turns into a hope for that specific thing or situation. Any sign that this hope may be fulfilled excites me, encourages me, fuels my desire. And soon my hopes turn to expectations. Expectations that my plan for the next step will come to fruition, that my desires will be met in the way I think they should be, that my agenda will be followed as I set it. Then the tide turns, my expectations go unmet, my hopes unfulfilled, and my dreams that once brought me joy and anticipation now bring me nothing more than disappointment and despair. My heart breaks, my hopes are shattered, I question my worth, my abilities, even my security in God's promises. And I'm left pondering if it was ever worth dreaming to begin with...

But the problem is not in the dreaming. You see, I believe that God wants us to dream. He wouldn't have promised us hope, a future, joy, life to the fullest if He didn't want us to believe that it would come, look forward to it with anticipation and excitement. But for me I think the problems start when I begin to replace my dreams of God's plans with hopes in my own ideas. When I start thinking I can see past the next minute, when I start pretending I have any control over what tomorrow will bring, when I start setting up my own guidelines for how that joy should look or how that fullness should feel. Once I have put my hopes in my own ideas, then I am walking outside of His promises. I am expecting something that He never told me He'd give. And worse, this often involves putting my hopes and expectations into something or someone here on this earth. And I've learned too many times that we are all human. We WILL all fail. I will fail, and so will everyone I come into contact with. Only God is God, and when I start putting hope in things or people instead of fully in Him I WILL be let down. I will fall, because the things of this earth were not meant to hold me up. People will come and go. They will surprise, and encourage, and love, and lift up. But they will also fail. Because only God can hold the gigantic expanse of my insecurities. Only God can fill the enormous void in my heart. Only God can heal the depths of my wounded soul.

So I'm praying hard right now. My initial response is to just give up, stop dreaming. To settle for the mundane, never hoping for "fullness." For if we never dream we can never be disappointed. It is safe to just accept things as they are, to just "get by" and never take the risk for something more. It has worked before, for me and for many others in this life. But no matter how many times I try to ignore the dreams, they still stir in my heart. God brings them back to the surface, whispers gently to me, nudges me to delight in them. I'm praying that I would learn to dream without allowing my own hopes and expectations to take over. To dream only of what God reveals to me, to continually gaze into His eyes as he slowly tells me the story of my life, to hold tight to His hand as He walks (and sometimes dances) me through it. For only in letting go of the responsibility of making my own agenda can I relax and enjoy the one He has already made for me. And I'm quite sure that His is much more fun anyway.