Grief

It is well documented that grief comes in stages. Although everyone has a somewhat different experience, we all know we can expect certain emotions to hit us, and in a predictable pattern. That should make it easier, right? Wrong. It is not easier to me, even though I've studied (on many occasions) grief, death, dying, and the associated emotions. I have examined them from many perspectives, but living through it brings a whole new experience.

It is funny how it takes something big to make you realize how very alone you are. In your darkest moments, you wonder how there is nobody you feel you can call (or nobody that answers when you do). In your deepest pain you realize there is nobody there to offer a shoulder or a tissue. Now don't get me wrong. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who has been an unbelievable rock lately. He has picked me up (over and over), kept me going, changed his schedule, worked, helped, loved, and just done whatever it took to be whatever I needed. And my family is amazing. But we're ALL grieving right now. Each in our own way. And sometimes, in that time of pain, you just want someone who you are certain won't fall apart beside you. Someone who will help you bear that burden, though it wasn't theirs before you brought it to them, they will take it on to help you. Someone who isn't hurting and struggling and grieving already and can offer a different kind of comfort, support.

It is pretty funny. I am no stranger to death. I have a real peace about it, actually. I am comfortable with death, with dying, with the promise of a future that salvation offers us. But somehow the enormity of these past few weeks has overcome me. The financial responsibilities. The physical labor of moving furniture, and the finality of taking apart the surroudings and possessions that are all that is left of an earthly life and boxing them up, getting rid of them in a matter of days. The emotional burden of being strong for everyone around me. The exhaustion of repeated travel and disrupted routine. I need to rest in my savior's arms and surrender it to Him. For ONLY He has been there from the beginning. Only He will bear any burden. And although I will still long for arms around me, only He can truly give me comfort.

This has been disjointed, rambling, disconnected, and maudlin... but that is my heart right now.