Focus

It is funny how the mere act of shifting your focus can change everything. One day you're walking around, noticing how dead, lifeless, sad, hopeless your flowers are. The arrangement that was meant to bring you comfort and joy in a time of grief is looking sadder than your heart has felt.

That's pretty much how I've been lately. Focused on what I thought I needed or deserved that I didn't find. Moping around lamenting the wilting petals, the fallen leaves. I have been letting the negative rule my thoughts, consume my emotions, and keep me feeling lost, alone, hurt, angry, and just plain sad. It built, it spiraled, and before long I realized I was sitting there, unsure of why I felt as sad as I did. I mean, I have a right to grieve. I have lost someone I love dearly, and that loss hurts. But I also have a real peace about it. I have also known from long ago that death isn't something to fear, but to rejoice. I will miss Aunt Boo dearly, but I know she is dancing with our Jesus. So the depths of my sadness were inexplicable at this point.

So I've been trying to refocus. I've been naming (and praising God for) the wonderful things He's done these past few weeks. I've been rejoicing in how He showed up in the details, and gave me the opportunity to be there for my Mom in amazing ways. I've been thanking Him for allowing me to share this experience with several other friends who are grieving their own losses, and how it has helped me truly relate and build bridges that may not have otherwise been built. I have been looking at the things I've learned, the things He has changed and is still changing, and the ways He truly has this in His hands and will use it for His good. And I'm humbly praising Him for being my calm, my support, my ever present help in the storm. For carrying me through as He has always done before, and reminding me that I truly can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

And suddenly my load seems lighter, my mood brighter, my day more manageable, and my tommorrow more appealing. Suddenly the obstacles don't seem so insurmountable, and the hurts don't seem so intentional. The things that angered and frustrated me are forgiveable, and my hope is renewed. God is good, and He will see me through. He will provide and He will supply and He will support and He will comfort. And everything else will fade away. If I keep my eyes on Him, all things are new.