You look great!

I spent most of the night back and forth between half asleep delirium and bolting for the bathroom, only to end up repeatedly cleaning up the toilet after C threw up. Every hour on the hour he was back in there, coughing, gagging, and miserable. I felt so bad for him that I barely noticed my own exhaustion. By 6am he was pale, dazed, and dragging himself limply around. Obviously he wasn't going to school, and my plans for the day succumbed to the need to stay at home with him. We got set for a day of snuggling on the couch and made plans to stop by the store after taking B to preschool to stock up on popsicles, gatorade, and saltines. As we dropped B off at preschool and let the teachers know the deal, the sweet school director said, "well for the night you had you look great!" Bwaahaaaahaaa! I was dressed in an oversized hoodie sweatshirt, and a ratty pair of jeans, and my bushy hair was held back by an elastic in an attempt to hide the damp places where puke had been wiped out only hours before. My contacts weren't a consideration, and my glasses didn't even begin to hide the sunken circles under my tired eyes. Great was the farthest thing from how I felt. I looked pretty rotten, and I went out in public that way. Wow... how I've changed.

You see, there was a time in my life (actually more recently than I care to admit) that I would have been mortified for anyone to find me at home looking that way, let alone out in public. I feel insecure enough, inadequate enough, imperfect enough on my own without giving the world evidence to hold against me. So I clean up, I get dressed, I try to fix the outside. I try to look like I have it all together. I try to appear to be cool, calm, competent, confident even. But really, on the inside I'm filled with fear, insecurity, and just general ugliness. God is so good, though. He is working on my issues. He's changing my perspective and helping me realize that what is on the outside isn't really important. In 1 Samuel 16:7 we learn that He doesn't look at what man looks at. Man looks at the outside, but He looks at the heart. And He wants us to fill our heart with His love. To get rid of the sin, the untrue thoughts, the impure attitudes, the lies the enemy wants us to believe about ourselves. And He wants us to let Him be the center of our lives. He wants us to be filled with His love, His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness that were secured through His perfect sacrifice. He wants the cross to be the center of our hearts, and if we focus on that, His love will shine through in all we do.

So my new goal is to find a balance. I still don't want to look like I'm falling apart on the outside, but I also don't want to always feel the need to hide my inside. I want to share my imperfections so that I can come to grips with the need to surround myself with friends, fellowship, and mutual support. I want to admit my struggles so that I can find His healing. I want to be imperfect and weak, for it is in my weakness that His power is made perfect. I pray for transparency in my life, so that I may be a witness to His amazing power. And I pray that He continue to fill me with the cross, so that I may never forget who I am in Him.